Calvin & Hobbes

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Monday, December 6th, 1993  •  book
"14... 52... POW! WAAUGH! YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO WAIT UNTIL I HIKE THE BALL!! Oops. Sorry. Darn tigers. You can explain the rules to 'em, but you can't suppress their surprise pounce instinct. Calvin and Hobbes are playing football. Calvin calls signals. Hobbes pounces on Calvin. Calvin protests that Hobbes is supposed to wait until he snaps the ball. Calvin picks himself up from the ground saying you can explain the rules to a tiger, but you can't suppress their surprise pounce instinct."
Tuesday, December 7th, 1993  •  book
"Yesterday Dad went to buy a hardcover novel. He said he wanted to read something long, rich and thought-provoking for a change, and he wanted a cloth binding so his book could be carried around and reread later. Then he said he was going to buy the book with cash, so nobody could trace the purchase to him and exploit his interest for commercial purposes. You Dad's going into the guture kicking and screaming, isn't he? What if he's turning me into some kind of subversive? Calvin says Dad went to buy a hardback novel. He tells Hobbes Dad wanted something thought-provoking and that had a cloth binding. Dad said he was guying the book with cash so nobody could trace the purchase and exploit his interests for commercial purposes. Hobbes asks Calvin if Dad's going into the future kicking and screaming. Calvin wonders what happens if Dad is turning into some kind of subversive."
Wednesday, December 8th, 1993  •  book
"Mom, can I get a big tattoo? I want a winged serpent coiling around one arm, clutching a ship on my chest, with... ...um... I mean... ...well... ...sighhhh... Did you know Mom can communicate telepathically? Calvin asks Mom if he can get a tattoo of a serpent clutching a ship. Mom looks at him with a frown. Calvin sighs and walks away. He asks Hobbes if he knew Mom can communicate telepathically."
Thursday, December 9th, 1993  •  book
"I'm gonna pound you at recess, Twinky. You'd better be nice to me, Moe. Haw! Why? Because someday my tax dollars will be paying for your prison cell. POW! My whole problem is my lips move when I think. Moe threatens to pound Calvin at recess. Calvin tells Moe to be nice to him, since his tax dollars will one day pay for Moe's prison cell. Moe punches him. Calvin says his problems is his lips move when he thinks."
Friday, December 10th, 1993  •  book
"You know, everything I am... my unique spirit and personality... everything that makes me ME... ...is dependent on the proper functioning of this complex, fagile and miraculous chunk of meat that is my body. Interesting observation. Well, it just occurred to me. WAHOOOOOOO. Calvin and Hobbes sit in the wagon near the cliff. Calvin tells Hobbes that everything that makes him unique is dependent on proper functioning of his complex body. Hobbes says that's an interesting observation. Hobbes jumps off the wagon as it hurtles down the cliff."
Saturday, December 11th, 1993  •  book
They say the world is a stage. But obviously the play in unrehearsed and everybody is ad-libbing his lines. Maybe that's why it's hard to tell if we're in a tragedy or a farce. We need more special effects and dance numbers. Calvin tells Hobbes that all the world is a stage. But he says the play is unrehearsed and everybody ad-libs. Hobbes thinks that's why it's hard to tell whether we're in a tragedy or a farce. Calvin suggests more special effects and dance numbers.
Sunday, December 12th, 1993  •  book
"POW! SMACK! Hobbes throws a snowball to Calvin, who hits it with a bat. He takes off on his sled, going down the hill. Hobbes makes a snowball as Calvin goes around a tree and a bush. Hobbes throws the snowball and knocks Calvin off the sled. Hobbes says there are two outs. Calvin says he should have stayed at second base. Hobbes reminds him he has a snowman at third. Calvin loves a good game of speed sled base snow ball."
Monday, December 13th, 1993  •  book
"Yep, Christmas is just around the corner. And what better way to celebrate a religious holiday than with a month of frenzied consumerism! I'm surprised other religions haven't picked up on that. Getting loads of loot is a very spiritual experience for me. Calvin says Christmas is around the corner. He asks what better way to celebrate a religious holiday than with a month or frenzied consumerism. Hobbes is surprised other religions haven't picked up on that. Calvin says getting loads of loot is a spiritual experience for him."
Tuesday, December 14th, 1993  •  book
"Dear Santa, Every year at this time I send you a list of what I want for Christmas. And every year you callously ignore it and bring me practical things I don't want at all. What's the deal?! Are you insane? Have you gone senile?? Can't you read?? Or are you just a vindictive, twisted elf, bent on destroying kids' dreams?!?! You might want to sleep on this one. I know, but it felt good to write it. Calvin writes Santa a letter. He writes Santa ignores his list every year and brings practical things he doesn't want. He asks if Santa is insane, gone senile, or can't read. He asks if he's a vindictive elf destroying little kids' dreams. Hobbes reads the letter and suggests sleeping on it. Calvin knows, but he says he felt good writing it."
Wednesday, December 15th, 1993  •  book
"Dear Santa, Last year I did not receive the 15,000 items I requested for Christmas. I can only conclude that your secretarial staff must be a bunch of underpaid and woefully unprepared temps, and my letter was misfiled. To avoid a similar disaster this year, just write me a check for five million dollars, and I'll buy the stuff myself. See, THIS year I won't be disappointed. I'd leave out the part about the temps. Calvin writes Santa a letter complaining he didn't receive the 15000 items he requested last year. He concludes Santa's secretarial staff is a bunch of underpaid and unprepared temps, with his letter being misfiled. He offers Santa the option of writing a check to him for five million dollars, so that he can buy the stuff himself. Calvin tells Hobbes that he won't be disappointed this year. Hobbes suggests leaving out the part about the temps."
Thursday, December 16th, 1993  •  book
"Dear Santa, Hello, I am Calvin's new baby brother, Melville. Enclosed is a list of what I want for Christmas. Please don't confuse MY list with Calvin's. There are TWO kids at this house now. Man, if Santa falls for this, I'll add a new brother every year! 'Melville'? Calvin writes Santa a letter, saying he's Calvin's brother, Melville. He encloses a list, telling Santa not to confuse his list with Calvin's. He says there are two kids at the house now. Calvin tells Hobbes that if Santa falls for this, he'll add a new brother every year."
Friday, December 17th, 1993  •  book
"No snow. ...which means I can't paste anyone with a snowball... which means I'm good... which means I'll get lots of Christmas presents! Ha! Nothing in life is ever easy. Calvin stands outside with no snow. He says he can't paste anyone with a snowball, which means he's good and will get lots of Christmas presents. Then it starts snowing. He says nothing is life is ever easy."
Saturday, December 18th, 1993  •  book
"Look at all this snow! I'm being tested. We got this snow so I'd be tempted to smack Susie with a slushball and forfeit all my Christmas presents. To evaluate my chatacter, my immediate pleasure is being pitted against my future greed! Poor Susie. IT'S NOT A FOREGONE CONCLUSION! Hobbes notices all the snow. Calvin tells Hobbes he's being tempted to smack Susie with a slushball and forfeiting all his presents. His immediate pleasure is being pitted against his future greed. Hobbes laments for poor Susie. Calvin protests that it's not a foregone conclusion."
Sunday, December 19th, 1993  •  book
"There. Now we need to get this on the roof. SANTA --- WEIGHTED DOWN WITH EXTRA TOYS? DROP 'EM OFF HERE! --- CALVIN. I've been thinking. They say Santa knows if you've been bad or good, right? Right. But think how many kids there are in the whole world! Nobody could be watching every kid every single minute! I mean, Santa's OLD! He probably takes naps! THe way I figure it, Santa must just make a few random checks on us once or twice a week. That's all? Sure. He'd catch enough bad kids that way to scare everyone else into being good most of the time. He'd create the impression he's watching more than he really is! Pretty shrewd. Yeah, but now that I'm on to him, I'm going to smack Susie with a snowball! If I do it quick, the odds of Santa watching me at that exact moment are virtually nil! What if Susie tells on you? Ooh, I didn't think of that! She's a girl, so she probably WOULD snitch! Phoeey. Well, I sure hope Santa's watching now, seeing as I'm being so good. Unwillingly good, but good nonetheless. Calvin reads a letter he received from Santa. It's written in verse, to the pattern of 'Night before Christmas'. Santa writes that he's repealed his laws and suggests Calvin be vulgar and crude. Santa writes for Calvin to burp and never say 'thank you' or 'you're welcome'. He suggests talking back to his parents and to act like a jerk, anytime,"
Monday, December 20th, 1993  •  book
The day after Christmas is going to be epic. Calvin builds snowballs. He keeps adding to his pile. Hobbes comes over and looks up at the mountain of snowballs. Calvin tells him the day after Christmas is going to be epic.
Tuesday, December 21st, 1993  •  book
"Throwing these snowballs would give me immediate and certain pleasure. Refraining from throwing these snowballs in the hope of being rewarded at Christmas is delayed and Uncertain pleasure. As usual, goodness hardly puts up a fight. Calvin has a snowball and comments throwing it would give him certain pleasure. Refraining from throwing the snowballs in hope of being rewarded at Christmas is delayed and uncertain pleasure. Calvin looks at the mountain of snowballs. He says that as usual, goodness hardly puts up a fight."
Wednesday, December 22nd, 1993  •  book
"What if there is no Santa Claus? You know, a lot of this Santa stuff is hard to believe. The flying reindeer, going around the world in one night, the whole chimney bit... What if it's all some cruel hoax and I'm being good for NOTHING? You've ALWAYS been good for nothing! If he exists, Santa will forgive this one. Calvin wonders what if there isn't a Santa Claus. He says this Santa stuff is hard to believe. The flying reindeer, going around the world in a night, the chimney bit. He asks Hobbes what if it's a hoax and he's being good for nothing. Hobbes laughs that he's always been good for nothing. Calvin makes a snowball and says that if he exists, Santa will forgive this one."
Thursday, December 23rd, 1993  •  book
"I'm not bad. I'm just... um... ...exuberant! There's nothing wrong with being exuberant! Heads up! POW! Go on, explain the semantics to your Mom. Yikes, she got her wind back and she's gaining! Calvin has a snowball. He says he's not bad. He's exuberant! He tells Hobbes there's nothing wrong with being exuberant. He throws the snowball and hits someone. He and Hobbes run. Hobbes tells Calvin to explain the semantics to Mom. Calvin notices Mom got her wind back and is gaining on them."
Friday, December 24th, 1993  •  book
"Piff. SANTA'S GONNA SKIP YOUR HOUSE FOR THAT, CALVIN! I figure this doesn't really count against me, since she's so sanctimonious and I keep missing. A snowball barely misses Susie. She yells that Santa's going to skip Calvin's house for that. More snowballs fly toward Susie, but none hit her. Calvin tells Hobbes that this doesn't count against him, since she's so sanctimonious and he keeps missing."
Saturday, December 25th, 1993  •  book
"HA HA! ACQUITTAL ON ALL CHARGES! COMPLETE EXONERATION! HA HA HA! Merry Christmas to you too, dear. Phew, what's that smell? Has someone been eating tuna fish at this horrible hour?! Calvin sees his gifts under the Christmas tree. He grabs one and shouts that he's gotten acquittal on all charges and complete exoneration. He laughs. Mom and Dad hug each other. Mom tells Dad Merry Christmas. Dad asks what that smell is. He asks if someone has been eating tuna fish at that hour."
Sunday, December 26th, 1993  •  book
"I asked Dad if he wanted to see some new year's resolutions I wrote. He said he'd be glad to, and he was pleased to see I was taking an interest in self-improvement. I told him the resolutions weren't for ME, they were for HIM. That's why we're outside now. I WONDERED what the rush was. I'm getting disillusioned with these new years. They don't seem very new at all! Each new year is just like the old year! Here another year has gone by and everything's still the same! There's still pollution and war and stupidity and greed! Things haven't changed! I say what kind of future IS this?! I thought things were supposed to improve! I thought the future was supposed to be better! The problem with the future is that it keeps turning into the present. Hobbes asks if Calvin is making New Year's resolutions. Calvin wants everything to stay the same as it was this year. Calvin says the year was lousy, but familiar. Calvin hates change. You have to think about change and deal with it. He wants to take everything for granted. Calvin says things always change for the worse. Things get more complicated every year. He wants to stop now. No more change. They stand there for a little while. Calvin says he's bored and wants to do something different. Hobbes says some things don't change, as they run to play."
Monday, December 27th, 1993  •  book
Z. Y-YAWNN. There's no sedative like seeing a tiger lying in the sun. Calvin walks by a sleeping Hobbes. Calvin suddenly yawns. He says there's no sedative like seeing a tiger lying in the sun.
Tuesday, December 28th, 1993  •  book
"Hey Dad, why don't you cut down all the trees in our hill and put in a ski lift? Because a ski lift would be ugly, noisy, and completely unnecessary. The problem with Dad is he doesn't know progress when he hears it. Calvin asks Dad why he doesn't cut down all the trees on their hill and put in a ski lift. Dad tells Calvin a lift would be ugly, noisy, and unnecessary. Calvin walks off, grumbling that Dad doesn't know progress when he hears it."
Wednesday, December 29th, 1993  •  book
"AAUGHH. I meant to do that. Then it worked very well. Calvin has a huge snowball on a plank, held up by a log. He jumps on the other end of the plank. The snowball barely climbs up and falls on top of him. He tells Hobbes he meant to do that. Hobbes tells him it worked very well."
Thursday, December 30th, 1993  •  book
"I've lost my marbles. Everyone suspected as much. Well, I hope somebody finds them again. HEY!! Calvin looks under the chair. He tells Hobbes he lost his marbles. Hobbes says everyone suspected as much. Calvin walks off saying he hopes somebody finds them. That night, in bed, he realizes what Hobbes said. He gets up and yells 'Hey'. Hobbes peeks over his shoulder at Calvin."
Friday, December 31st, 1993  •  book
"I need a new toboggan. What for? Mine is outdated. I'm sure the '94 models have all sorts of new features, colors and options. Toboggans don't come in model years. They don't?? I tell you, Hobbes, there's a fortune to be made!"
Saturday, January 1st, 1994  •  book
"What the...?? I'm not playing with a full deck! That's what some people say. Really? Then why didn't somebody go buy some new cards?! HEY!! Calvin looks through his playing cards and tells Hobbes he isn't playing with a full deck. Hobbes agrees. Calvin walks off, saying someone should buy new cards. Later that night, in bed, Calvin realizes what Hobbes' comment indicated."
Sunday, January 2nd, 1994  •  book
"Ready? OFF WE GO-O!! WEEEEE AAAAAA WHOAAAA OOH AH EE ACK OW WAAUGH! OOMFF UGH HOOF HUHH YAAAAAA WO WO WO WO WO unggg. I think that was our best ride EVER! I kept closing my eyes. Let's do it again. Calvin sleds down the hill. At the bottom, he straps on a rocket pack and blasts back to the top of the hill. Calvin pulls his sled back up the hill with a sigh."
Monday, January 3rd, 1994  •  book
"I resent the quality of network programming! It's all fluff, violence, sensationalism and sleaze! I hunger for serious, tasteful entertainment that respects my intelligence! So turn off the stupid TV and read a book. All right, I lied. Sue me. Calvin sits watching television. He says he resents the quality of network programming. He says it's all violence and sleaze. He hungers for tasteful entertainment that respects his intelligence. Dad comes by and tells Calvin to turn off the TV and read a book. Calvin continues to watch television. He says he lied, sue him."
Tuesday, January 4th, 1994  •  book
Why does he have a hot water bottle on his head? He's committing suicide. Hobbes asks Calvin why his snowman has a hot water bottle on his head. Calvin replies he's committing suicide.