Why should I take a bath? I'm just going to get dirty again. Why should I brush my teeth? I'm just going to eat again. Why should I comb my hair? It's just going to get messed up again. I'd rather be efficient than hygienic. Calvin asks why he should take a bath if he's just going to get dirty again. He asks why he should brush his teeth if he's going to eat again. He asks why he should comb his hair if it's going to get messed up again. He decides he'd rather be efficient than hygienic.
"I'm bored. Let's go in. But we've only been out here a few minutes. This is taking too long. What's the hurry? We've got all day! Yeah, but it's kind of cold, and the sun's too bright, and my gloves are getting wet. And when you think about it, building a snowman is a lot of work. I didn't come here to do something hard. Besides," "what if the snowman doesn't come out very good? We'd be failures! Who wants to be a failure?! Or even if it's good, what's the point? It's just going to melt in a few weeks anyway! It's all futile! So instead of wasting my time, I'm going to go inside, pull down the shades and watch TV. That way, in complete physical comfort, I can vicariously experience the activity of actors pretending to do things! Are you sure it's not too much trouble to turn on the TV? That's why we have a remote control. Virtual reality is already here. I can't believe the only way to get inside is by WALKING. Calvin asks Hobbes what he'd wish for if he could have anything in the world. Hobbes says a sandwich. Calvin asks what kind of stupid wish that is. Calvin says he'd wish for a trillion dollars, a private continent, and his own space shuttle. In the house, Hobbes is eating a sandwich. He tells Calvin he got his wish."
"Hi, it's me, your big accomplishment in life! I'm depressed. Calvin walks past Mom and says hello. He calls himself her big accomplishment in life. Later, Mom is slumped on the sofa. She tells Dad that she's depressed."
Did you check the pockets of my pants before you washed them? Yes. Did you find anything... um... surprising? Like what? Let's just say we need some big gloves and a heavy stick... FAST. Do you mean you don't know where this thing IS?! Calvin asks Mom if she checked the pockets of his pants before she washed them. He asks if she found anything surprising. Mom asks what he means. Calvin hides behind Mom's leg saying they need some big gloves and a heavy stick...fast. Mom asks if Calvin doesn't even know where this thing is at.
"Oh no! Mom packed me a piece of PIE in my lunch! She hates me! I refuse to eat it! You don't like pie? Not this kind. What kind is it? Cow pie. MISS WORMWOOD! Want it? It's fresh. Calvin sees Mom packed a piece of pie in his lunch. He refuses to eat it. Susie asks if he doesn't like pie. He tells her he doesn't like that kind. When she asks what kind it is, Calvin tells her cow pie. Susie calls for Miss Wormwood. Calvin pinches his nose and asks if she wants it. It's fresh."
"I wish I had a heavier coat. Theatrics notwithstanding, the thermostat stays where it is. Calvin comes into the living room bundled in his cap, scarf, and coat. He sits on the chair. He wishes he had a heavier coat. Mom is reading a book. She says that theatrics notwithstanding, the thermostat is staying where it is."
"... and so, in 1654... HKGHHKKGHH. Mysterious planet Zartok-3 appears from... KHGHHKGGH. PAY ATTENTION! When you change the channel, I don't think the original program should be able to change it back. Miss Wormwood is lecturing the class. The picture scrambles and mysterious planet Zartok-3 appears. The picture scrambles again, and Miss Wormwood is right in front, pointing, and saying to pay attention. Calvin says when you change the channel, he doesn't think the original channel should be able to change it back."
"Mom, what was I like as a baby? Stinky. Stinky?? Stinky. It's always shocking to see one's existence reduced to a blurb. Calvin asks what he was like as a baby. Mom says 'stinky'. Calvin walks away saying it's shocking to see one's existence reduced to a blurb."
"Brrrr! I'm freezing! You need a nice fur coat like mine. I'm all toasty. I'll just put my feed on your back, OK? Ooh, you ARE warm! GAAA! Quit thrashing around! You're letting in cold air! Well keep your icy feet on your own side of the bed then! They WERE! Your big behind was on MY side! THAT's your side! THIS is the demilitarized zone and THIS is MY side! All THAT?! No way, you hog! In fact, the whole bed is my side! Animals should sleep on the floor! Oh, THAT does it! You and your hairless pink monkey suit can freeze solid! I'm leaving! HEY! Don't take the blanket! COME BACK HERE! I'LL GET YOU! GIMME THAT! ...now where'd he go?? AAAAAA GAAAA! SOMEBODY'S FEET ARE LIKE ICE!! Calvin had another nightmare. If it's two crowded, you guys are welcome to sleep downstairs. Calvin plays with a toy truck. He stops, looks around, listens, then carries his toy further away. He resumes playing. Hobbes pounces on him. Hobbes pins Calvin down telling him he moved upwind. He says human senses aren't worth beans. Calvin tells Hobbes to get off him. Mom asks if Calvin wants to watch his nature program. Calvin shouts no."
"I need some help with my homework, Hobbes. What's the assignment? I'm supposed to write a paper that presents both sides of an issue and then defends one of the arguments. What's your issue? That's the problem. I can't think of anything to argue. That's hard to believe. I'm always right and everybody else is always wrong! What's to argue about?! Calvin asks Hobbes for some help with his homework. He's supposed to write a paper with two points of view, then defend one of them. He can't think of anything to argue. Hobbes says that's hard to believe. Calvin says he's always right, and everybody else is wrong. He wonders what there is to argue about."
"Help me think of an issue to debate for this dumb paper. Well, what issues do you care about? I don't care about issues! I've got better things to do than argue with every wrong-headed crackpot with an ignorant opinion! I'm a busy man! I say, either agree with me or take a hike! I'm right, period! End of discussion! Um... right. There, see? Everybody's happy. Calvin wants help with thinking of an issue for a debate paper. Calvin doesn't care about issues. He says he's got better things to do than argue with every wrong-headed crackpot with an ignorant opinion. He says he's a busy man. Calvin says either agree with him or take a hike. He's right, period. Hobbes rolls his eyes and says Calvin's right. Calvin says everybody's happy."
"So what am I going to write about? Hmm... we'll need to put on our thinking caps. HEY! Thinking caps! THAT'S what we need! C'mon! This is a GREAT idea! Boy, where would I be without you? Conceivably, you might be working on your assignment. Hobbes suggests they put on thinking caps to come up with a writing topic. As they run to get thinking caps, Calvin asks where he would be without Hobbes' suggestion. Hobbes replies that conceivably, he might be working on his assignment."
"We'll use this colander for the thinking cap! Its metal surface can conduct electrical brain impulses and reflect brain waves! Next we'll need to attach those input and output strings and a grounding string. Why a grounding string? It's like a lightning rod for brainstorms... I want to keep my ideas grounded in reality. I think you're too late. We'll also need to build a transformer for the atomic cerebral enhance-o-tron. Calvin uses a colander as a thinking cap. Its metal surface will conduct brain waves. Hobbes attaches input and output strings, and a grounding string. Hobbes asks why a grounding string. Calvin replies he wants to keep his ideas grounded in reality. Hobbes thinks he's too late. Calvin says they also must build a transformer for the atomic cerebral enhance-o-tron."
"The thinking cap is all set! Let's turn it on! Click. Brzap. Did it work? I think so. I feel smarter already. Calvin's thinking cap is ready. Hobbes turns it on. He asks if it worked. Calvin takes off the thinking cap, and his head is bigger."
"What happened to your head?? Evidently, an unanticipated physiological consequence of cerebral augmentation. My brain swelled. If your hats don't fit, will you give them to me? My powerful brain is unraveling the mysteries of the universe. It's amazing! All natural laws can be reduced to one simple, unifying equation! Really? What is it? Already my powerful brain is bored with such simple problems and is now working on why girls are so obnoxious. Calvin says a consequence of his cerebral augmentation is that his brain swelled. Hobbes asks if he can have Calvin's hats. Calvin says his brain is unraveling all the mysteries of the universe. He says natural laws can be reduced to one simple, unifying equation. Hobbes asks what that is. Calvin says his powerful brain is bored with such simple problems. He's now working on why girls are so obnoxious."
"Sighhh... I wish I could go to the moon. I wish I could too. Dear... Calvin paints a lunch bag white, to look like a snowman's head. He puts it on. He dresses up with a hat and coat, puts a pipe in his mouth, then stands outside saying it's a perfect day for snowmen. He says a snowman could be real happy there. He stands, then looks up into the sky, then sighs. Hobbes asks if the decoy is working. Calvin says ducks are easier to fool than snow."
"Now that the thinking cap has enlarged your brain, you can write your homework paper. I concur. CALVIN, DINNER TIME. Uh oh. Wait until your parents see your head! I am applying my powerful brain to the"
"Calvin, come down for dinner! I'm not calling you again! Hurry up with the turban! There. Sorry I'm late. I was unavoidably detained. Calvin, we don't eat at the table looking like that. Take off the sheet. Uh... heh heh... um... Thank you. I don't know why I worry. They never notice anything. Mom calls Calvin to dinner again. Calvin has a turban on his head made from his sheet. He tells Dad he was unavoidably detained. Dad tells him to take the sheet off at the table. Calvin does, and Dad thanks him. Calvin, with his larger head, says they never notice anything."
"I brought you some fish from dinner. Obviously I don't need to eat brain food now. Oh boy. OK, let's get down to business. I'll apply my powerful brain to the problem of my homework. ...hmmmmmm... How's it going? Good! I just remembered what the assignment was. Calvin brings some fish to Hobbes. Calvin doesn't need brain food with his enlarged brain. He applies his brain to the homework problem. Hobbes asks how it's going. Calvin says he just remembered what the assignment was."
"My powerful brain has come up with a topic for my paper. Great. I'll write about the debate over tyrannosaurs. Were they fearsome predators or disgusting scavengers? Which side will you defend? Oh, I believe they were fearsome predators, definitely. How come? They're SO much cooler that way. Calvin comes up with a topic for his paper. He'll debate whether tyrannosaurs were predators or scavengers. Hobbes asks which side he'll defend. Calvin tells Hobbes he believes they were predators. They're so much cooler that way."
"Let's see... to argue that tyrannosaurs were predators and not scavengers, we'll need to write a brief overview of carnosaur evolution. Then we'll delve into skeletal structure, skull design, arm strength, potential running speed, and environmental factors. ...but first, we'll draw some pictures of a T.Rex eating people in the natural history museum. I notice your head is shrinking back to normal size. Calvin says he'll start with carnosaur evolution. He'll delve into skeletal structure, skull design, and environmental factors. First, he'll draw pictures of a T-rex eating people at the museum. Hobbes notices Calvin's head shrinking back to its normal size."
"Your forehead is back to normal. The brain enhancement must have worn off. But you haven't written your paper yet. Oh, that's the easy part. The HARD part was getting a topic and making these funny drawings. Now all I have to do is write everything I know about tyrannosaurs. It'll be a breeze. For once I'm GUARANTEED a good grade! CALVIN, TIME FOR BED. Hobbes says Calvin's head is back to normal, but Calvin hasn't written his paper yet. Calvin says the hard part was getting a topic. He says he'll write everything he knows about tyrannosaurs. It's a breeze. He says he's guaranteed a good grade. Mom tells him it's time for bed."
"This sculpture will be called 'The spirit of compromise'. We'll each make a snowman and have them shanking hands. This will be very insprational! People will weep to see two snowmen overcoming their differences and cooperating! Soon we'll be rolling in public commissions! Make your snowman's arm longer. His hand won't reach my snowman's hand. Why should I make a new arm? Just make YOURS longer. Then it will look like my snowman had to reach farther than yours did. They should be equal. Then build your snowman closer over here! I'm not going to start all over! Just make your arm longer! I refuse. You can't tell me what to do! In that case, my snowman refuses to shake with your snowman! So what?? My snowman won't even TALK to yours! I'm turning his head the other way! Ha! While he's looking over there, MY snowman will kick YOUR snowman in his big white butt! Oh yeah, well, mine knocks your snowman's head off! Fine! My snowman feeds your snowman his own nose! Why you...!! Leggo OW OOF Stop it! I don't think this sculpture is very good. It's a compromise. A robot doctor looks at Calvin. It slices his head open to look at the brain. The doctor puts more brains into Calvin's skull. The robot doctor asks how Calvin feels. Calvin says 'smart'. The doctor says the knowledge"
TIME FOR BED?? That's what I said. But I haven't finished my paper for school yet! I need more time! How much more do you have to do? I just have to write it. Calvin tells Mom he hasn't finished his school paper yet. She asks how much more he has to do. Calvin tells her he just has to write it.
"You mean it's bedtime and you haven't even started writing your paper for school?! What have you been DOING all evening?? Well first, Hobbes and I invented and constructed a thinking cap that augmented my brain so I could think up a good topic, and then we drew illustrations of... That doesn't sound like a very good time budget to me. I wasn't expecting to get audited so soon. Mom asks what Calvin has been doing all night. Calvin tells Mom he built a thinking cap that augmented his brain to think of a topic. Mom says that doesn't sound like a good time budget to her. Calvin wasn't expecting to get audited so soon."
"Great! Just great! Mom lets us stay up for half an hour longer to finish this paper. How am I supposed to do a good job in so little time?! Your Mom says you wasted the whole evening. But now she's making me do a rushed, slipshod job! I'll have to compromise the qualitY! I won't get the 'A' I deserve! Especially since you've used up 15 minutes complaining about it. It'll tell the teacher it's Mom's fault. Calvin gripes to Hobbes that Mom is only giving him an extra half hour to write the paper. He asks how he's supposed to do a good job in such little time. Hobbes reminds him that Mom said he wasted the whole evening. Calvin complains Mom is making him to a rushed, sloppy job. He won't get the 'A' he deserves. Hobbes tells him he's used up 15 minutes complaining about it."
"What a rotten evening that was. At least you finished your paper. Yeah, but it could've been a lot better. I finally get a chance to write about something I know backward and forward and I have to rush the whole thing. Well, with the time available, you did the best you could. ...sort of. I think geniuses should be given special considerations. Calvin crawls into bed. Hobbes tells him at least he's finished with the paper. Calvin says it could have been better. He gets a chance to write about something he knows, and he has to rush the whole thing. Hobbes says he did the best he could with the time he had.....sort of. Calvin thinks geniuses should be given special considerations."
"My paper is entitled, 'Tyrannosaurus Rex: Fearson Predator or Loathsome Scavenger?' Ahem... 'I say tyrannosaurs were predators, because it would be so bogus if they just ate things that were already dead. The end.' I'M A CONCISE WRITER, OK?!? Calvin reads his paper in front of the class. He reads that tyrannosaurs were predators, because it would be bogus if they ate things that were already dead. He grins at the class. He yells that he's a concise writer."
"Miss Wormwood was going to give me a 'D-' on my paper, but I talked to her after class and told her how I ran out of time and couldn't write all I knew about tyrannosaurs. She said I'd had plenty of time to do the assignment, but she admitted that maybe I'd picked too complex a subject. So she raised my grade to a 'D' and told me I should try to pick realistic goals and plan my time better. I guess we learned a lesson, huh? I'll say. Smooth-talking the teacher really pays off! Calvin tells Hobbes he got a 'D-' on his paper. He talked to Miss Wormwood about having run out of time. He tells Hobbes that Miss Wormwood admitted that maybe he'd picked too complex a subject. She raised his grade to a 'D' and said to pick realistic goals and plan his time better. Hobbes asks if he learned a lesson. Calvin says he did. Smooth-talking the teacher really pays off."
"That's strange. I don't remember a door being here before. Here's your breakfast! M-MOM?? Eat up! Mmm! It looks yummy! Y-YOU'RE NOT MY MOM! Yes I am! Eat your oatmeal! What's going on? This isn't my house an dyou're not my Mom!! Oh no! That's not our yard outside! It's a CAGE! NAUGH!! I'm trapped in a lab and they're trying to get me to imprint on my own species before they return me to the wild! He's on to us, Wayne. There goes our funding. Here's your breakfast. What's the matter? Prove you're my Mom."