"Buttons... check. Dials... check. Switches... check. Little colored lights... check. Calvin, the airline pilot, is tenth in life for takeoff. His patience is at an end! Ignoring the control tower's protests, Calvin guns the engines and passes the other planes, cutting across less crowded runways! Rounding a corner, he opens the throttle! Stewardesses explaining the aircraft's safety features are hurled to the rear of the plane by the sudden acceleration! All the other planes watch with envy as Calvin takes off ahead of schedule! But what is this?! Another plane has already recieved clearance to land! It's headed for the same runway! It looks like a mid-air collission over a crowded super highway at rush hour! Oh, what a price to pay for his hurry! I'm back! Thanks for waiting so patiently. I could wait even longer if you'd buy me a THIRD plane."
"Good! Susie's still playing on the sidewalk! We'll stroll by and 'accidentally' drop the coded message. Yes Hobbes, I have a TOP SECRET, CODED letter for you here! Verrrry mysterious! Verrry secret! Just make sure the note doesn't fall into a GIRL'S hands! If the code is broken and read, our plans will be ruined! We did it! Ha! Everything is going perfectly! ...Except she's not picking up the letter. Calvin sees Susie still playing. He and Hobbes will walk past Susie and drop the top secret, coded letter for Hobbes. They walk past, drop the note, and Calvin says if it falls into a girl's hands, their plans will be ruined. Behind a tree, Calvin says everything is working perfectly. Hobbes says except she isn't picking up the letter."
Why isn't Susie picking up the coded message?! Doesn't she SEE it?? What's WRONG with her?! Doesn't she know enough to intercept somebody else's secret letter when it's dropped right in front of her?? Maybe she wasn't paying attention to us. That's inconceivable! Who wouldn't be interested in everything we do?! Calvin wonders why Susie doesn't pick up the letter. Calvin is frustrated. Hobbes wonders if she wasn't paying attention to them. Calvin thinks it's inconceivable anyone wouldn't be interested in everything they do.
"Look! Susie sees the letter! She's picking it up! She's reading the envelope! ... she's walking over here... You dropped this letter for Hobbes. Here. Um... gee, thanks. Well, that was awfully decent of her. It's no use! It's no use! Everybody gets good enemies except ME! Hobbes sees Susie picking up the letter. She walks over, and returns the letter to Calvin. Hobbes says that was awfully decent of her. Calvin bangs his hands on the tree, saying everybody gets good enemies except him."
"Let's stroll over THIS way ONCE AGAIN, Hobbes! Yes, lets! It's a good think you have that TOP SECRET, CODED letter, Hobbes! It would be awful if you happened to DROP it near SUSIE one more time! If I were SUSIE, and I FOUND THE LETTER, I'd PICK IT UP AND DECODE IT, so I could RUIN ALL OUR PLANS! That would sure be BAD for US! It worked! She's opening the letter! Good. I was afraid we'd have to hit her on the head and read it to her. Calvin and Hobbes walk by Susie again. They mention the top secret note again. Calvin mentions Susie finding the letter and spoiling their plans again. Behind the tree, Hobbes sees Susie opening the letter. Calvin was worried he'd have to hit her on the head and read it to her."
"This must be the coded letter Calvin's trying to get me to read. Hmph, not much of a code... just backward letters! I can read it through the back of the page. 'Dear Hobbes, if Susie goes behind our house at noon, all our secret plans will be ruined. Calvin.' Gosh, it's almost noon! I'd better hurry over to Calvin's house if I want to spoil his plans! Wheee! Ha ha! She fell for it! C'mon Hobbes, hurry! Susie reads the coded note. She's suspicious. She yells that she better hurry over to spoil their plans. Calvin says she fell for it, so off they go."
"Oh boy, this is going to be great! Get the water balloons! Hurry! We've got to hide before Susie gets here. Ha ha! She swallowed that fake letter hook, line and sinker! She thinks she's tricking US, but we'll trick HER! We're geniuses, Hobbes! Hee hee! Man, is she in for a surprise! I wonder what's keeping her. She probably got lost. Calvin and Hobbes grab water balloons. They hide behind a bush. Hobbes wonders what's keeping her. Calvin thinks she got lost."
"Calvin? Calvin? Calvin! Hmm... the engine's making funny noises. Spaceman Spiff is going down over Planet Gork! Zounds! The planet is inhabited! An alien metropolis opens up before our hero's eyes! Spiff's stabilizers refuse to respond! Our hero is going to crazh! THIS SPELLS DISASTER! CALVIN! ..uh... D... I... S... A... S... T... E... R. Very good. I'm glad you were paying attention. YES! Once again the incredible Spaceman Spiff beats all odds to save the day! You may sit down, Calvin. Calvin and Hobbes hop out of bed. They read the paper, run outside to play, dig for dinosaurs, look under rocks for bugs, play Calvinball, fight, hit Susie with a water balloon, run from a snake, look at the moon, and catch fireflies. Mom drags Calvin inside to bed. Calvin says summer days are supposed to be longer, but they seem shorter to him. Hobbes says they didn't get to do half their itinerary."
"It's past noon! Why isn't Susie walking into our brilliant ambush?! Where is she?! You stay here and guard the water balloons. I'll go on a reconnaissance mission and find out what she's doing. Wait a minute. Why can't I go on the reconnaissance mission? Because if you get captured, you'll tell Susie anything for a tummy rub. I MIGHT not! Calvin wonders why Susie isn't walking into their ambush. Calvin is going on a reconnaissance mission to find out what she's doing. Hobbes wonders why he can't go. Calvin says if Susie captured him, he'd tell Susie anything for a tummy rub."
"You can't trust a girl to do anything right! We go to all this trouble to lure Susie into this trap, and she doesn't shop up! As soon as I find out where she is, I'll get Hobbes and the water balloons and we'll let her have it! If she won't come to the ambush, we'll bring the ambush to her! Five... four... three... two... Calvin says you can't trust a girl to do anything right. When he finds her, he'll get Hobbes and they'll hit her with the water balloons. As he approaches the corner of the house, he says if Susie won't come to the ambush, they'll bring it to her. Around the corner stands Susie, with the water hose in her hand. She starts a countdown."
"AAUGGH! OH NO! AIEE! ACKPTH! BLUBPLUB PLPPTTB! This doesn't go in the club log, understood? It never happened. Since you're already wet, it would be a shame not to use these water balloons. Hobbes hears the sounds of Calvin being soaked by Susie. Calvin walks over to him and sits down. He tells Hobbes this doesn't go into the club log. It never happened. Hobbes says since he's already wet, it seems a shame to waste their water balloons."
"It's a dark day for the Get Rid Of Slimy girlS club. Our great plan backfired and I'M the one who got soaked! Oh, the shame! The ignominy! ...sighhhh... If you resign, can I be dictator-for-life? I DIDN'T SAY I WAS RESIGNING! Calvin says it's a dark day for G.R.O.S.S. His plan backfired, and he got soaked. Hobbes asks if he can be dictator-for-life if Calvin resigns."
"Well Hobbes, the battle may have been lost, but the war goes on! This afternoon, we'll devise a bigger, better, and even more complicated scheme, and revenge will be ours! The spirit of G.R.O.S.S.ness cannot be extinguished! ...and for courage in the face of setbacks, I award us bottle caps of valor! Yayy! A good meeting always ends with us getting new medals! This is SUCH a great club! Calvin says the battle was lost, but the war goes on. He says the spirit of G.R.O.S.S. will not be extinguished. He awards bottle caps of valor for their courage in the face of temporary setbacks. Hobbes says a good meeting always ends with them getting medals."
"Here Calvin, I brought some lunch for you and Hobbes. Gee thanks, Mom. What do you say we break out the comic books while we think up our big plans? Oh boy! It's looking like a good afternoon, ol' buddy. I love summer. Mom brings Calvin some lunch. They decide to read comic books in their treehouse. Calvin says it's looking like a good afternoon."
"Uh oh. Here comes Susie. Try not to breathe in. Here, Calvin. What's this? It's an invtiation. Mr. Bun is hosting a milk and cookie party in ten minutes, and you and Hobbes are invited. WE DECLINE! We wouldn't attend if you PAID us! We've got better things to do than sit around with GIRLS and dumb toy animals! Fine! DON'T come! Who cares? What a jerk. ...I went to all this trouble, too. Don't be disappointed, Mr. Bun. We can have a nice party all by ourselves. Phooey. Ha! We showed HER! All girls should be shipped to Pluto - that's what I say. I wonder what kind of cookies they were. YOU CAME! We don't ATTEND parties. We just CRASH 'em! Going down the hill in the wagon, Calvin wishes he could stop summer and leave days like they are. He says life rolls along with speed you can't control. Fun experiences go roaring by, as they blaze past trees. Calvin adds that bad experiences never pass quickly enough, as they fly off the cliff. As they lie in the stream below, Calvin wants to speed up childhood and get to driving age. Hobbes doesn't mind the pace of life. It's the sudden stop at the end."
"This is Dad's idea of taking us to the beach. Hobbes sits in the sandbox, Calvin in the blowup pool. He tells Hobbes this is Dad's idea of taking them to the beach."
"Yep, that's a pretty good cow impression. From now on, that's how I eat salads. Calvin slowly moves his mouth in a chewing motion. Hobbes says that's a pretty good cow impression. Calvin says that's how he's eating salads from now on."
"All right, here's a nickel. What do I get? Nothing. I just ripped you off. WHAT?! That's life! Sitting at a box labeled 'Life' and costing five cents, Susie gives Calvin the nickel and asks what she gets. Calvin says nothing. He just ripped her off. Susie is outraged. Calvin says 'that's life'. Off to the side of the crushed box, Susie pounds Calvin."
"Oh, Mom? I just remembered. Some lady called you about an hour ago. Did you get her name and number? No... Well how am I supposed to call her back?! You don't need to. She's still on the line. Calvin remembers to tell Mom someone called an hour ago. Mom asks if he got her name and number. Calvin says no. Mom asks how she's supposed to call her back. Calvin says she doesn't need to. The person is still on the line."
"Nothing for me... nothing for me... Phooey. The mail's here. Calvin checks the mail. There's nothing for him, so he puts the letters back in the mailbox. He goes inside and tells Mom the mail's there."
"Yesterday Dad told me not to eat a pepper because it was hot, ... so I ate the whole thing in two bites. Man, was I ever in agony! I was ricocheting off the walls all night! I thought I was going to explode! I gotta get a stunt double. Calvin tells Hobbes that Dad told him not to eat a pepper because it was hot. Calvin ate the thing in two bites. He was in agony and thought he was going to explode. He says he has to get a stunt double."
"Well! Peanut butter! ... or so it SEEMS. Did you see that? Hmm? What? My sandwich wiggled! There's something ALIVE in it! Oh stop it, Calvin. I'm not kidding! Mom must be trying to kill me! I bet there's a slug in my peanut butter! Eww! Hmm... I don't FEEL any slugs in here. What could it be? I'd better smell it. AUGH! AUGH! IT'S GOT MY NOSE!! THE PEANUT BUTTER ITSELF IS ALIVE! IT'S OOZING UP MY FACE! IT'S GOING TO SUCK OUT MY EYEBALLS! HELP! RRGH! MMF! BLRGHGH! I got it off! Quick! Drown it in chocolate milk! Boy, what a close call THAT was! Won't MOM be disappointed to see her little plot FAILED! Look at you! I've never SEEN anything so revolting! What's wrong with you?! I'm eating somewhere else. Girls are so weird. Calvin read an article about how much violence is on television. As he watches TV, Calvin says he's seen a few thousand homicides. He says it's his right to watch violence on TV. It's people like him who make those programs profitable. He says the customer is always right, and the shows have to pander to his tastes. He likes shootouts, car wrecks, and grisly murders. He likes to be entertained. Hobbes asks if he doesn't think all that violence is desensitizing. Calvin says no. He'd like to shoot the idiots who think this stuff affects him."
"If I could just lead to ride that bicycle, I could go all sorts of places. I could cover miles in no time at all! I could go anywhere! I could... AAAAAAAAA I could go to heaven. You? I doubt it. Calvin tells Hobbes that if he could learn to ride his bicycle, he could go anywhere. He could cover miles in no time. The bicycle chases Calvin as he runs off. Later, Calvin is run over. Calvin says he could go to heaven. Hobbes doubts it."
"OK bike, listen up! I don't like you and you don't like me. But I'VE got the tools to reduce you to piles of pipes, sprockets, and ball bearings! Do we understand each other? AAAAAAA. Maybe altogether too well. Calvin tells the bike to listen up. He says he has the tools to reduce the bike to pipes, sprockets, and ball bearings. He asks the bike if they understand each other. The bike chases Calvin. After he's run over, Calvin says 'maybe altogether too well'."
"Dad, Will You Put A Bell On My Bike? I Think You Should Learn How To Ride Before You Worry About Having A Bell To Ring. Not THAT Kind Of Bell! I Want One That'll Warn Me When The Darn Bike's Sneaking Up On Me!"
"I know why Dad got me that bike! He's trying to bump me off! He knows the bike will stop at nothing to kill me. Dad figures pretty soon I'll have my head through a tree trunk and he'll have some peace and quiet! I'M on to him! I suppose that's easier than sending you to camp and moving. Well sure, what if the house didn't sell? Calvin tells Hobbes that Dad got the bike to bump Calvin off. Calvin says Dad figures the bike will have Calvin's head through a tree trunk and he'll have peace and quiet. He says he's on to Dad. Hobbes supposes that's easier than sending Calvin to camp and moving. Calvin agrees. He asks what would happen if the house didn't sell."
"Calvin, would you set the table for me please? Mm... I don't think so. I'm not enthusiastic about setting the table. I don't think you should have to do something unless you're enthusiastic about it. Mom asks Calvin to help her set the table. Calvin doesn't think so. He's not enthusiastic about setting the table. As Calvin helps set the table, he says he doesn't think you should have to do something unless you're enthusiastic about it."
"OK, I opened the door to your room. Now what's the big surprise? Uh... nothing. Try my closet. The numeral '3' turns into a pterodactyl. It flies past a brontosaurus, whose neck forms the numeral '2'. Calvin sits at his school desk while the teacher asks what three plus two is."
"I originally thought I was going to be a teen idol. Oh? Then I thought, why wait until I'm a teen-ager?! I want to be idolized NOW! Then you should probably blow your nose more regularly. Want an autographed 8x10 glossy? Calvin tells Hobbes he originally thought he'd be a teen idol. Calvin doesn't want to wait. He wants to be idolized now. Hobbes suggests he should blow his nose more regularly. Calvin hands Hobbes an autographed 8 x 10 glossy."