What assurance do I have that parenting isn't screwing me up? Mom and Dad are sitting on the sofa. Calvin asks what assurance he has that their parenting isn't screwing him up.
"Where are YOU going? Out. Did you pick up your room? I tried. But I couldn't lift it! GET IT?? AH HA HA HA HA HA! For some reason, the sound of children's laughter doesn't make Mom sentimental. Mom asks where Calvin is going, and he tells her outside. Mom asks if he picked up his room. Calvin says he tried, but he couldn't lift it. He laughs. Upstairs, Calvin tells Hobbes the sound of children's laughter doesn't make Mom sentimental."
"How long till you're done? At least 15 minutes. Plus drying. ...sighhhh... I'm bored. There's nothing to do. Nothing to do?!? It's a beautiful summer day! You've got the whole outdoors to play in! If you can't find something to do, it's because you haven't tried. Go on! Use some imagination! My upbringing is filled with inconsistent messages. There are several pictures of Calvin and Hobbes floating in the air, dancing. Hopping down from a bed, he says there's nothing like a big bed for dancing. Hobbes hopes Mom and Dad don't mind bad springs."
"Gorgeous morning. Huh Dad? Mm. These summer days sure slip by, don't they? Too bad the daily drudgery of making a living has to keep you from appreciating these sublime moments of life. Well, best not to think about it! If you stay healthy, you can enjoy days like this when you retire! See you tonight! Ahhh. Summer! Calvin tells Dad summer days sure slip by. He says too bad the daily drudgery of making a living keeps Dad from appreciating these sublime moments of life. As Dad leaves for work, Calvin tells him not to think about it. If he stays healthy, Dad can enjoy days like this when he retires. Later, under a tree, Calvin and Hobbes are lying. Calvin is glad it's summer."
"Look what I've got! What is it? It's the box a bar of soap comes in. It's a tradition that when you harangue the multitudes, you stand on a soap box. You'd probably be more impressive if you tried using the soap. Let me know if you see any multitudes. Calvin shows Hobbes the box a bar of soap comes in. Calvin says it's a tradition when you harangue the multitudes, you stand on a soap box. Hobbes says Calvin would be more impressive if he tried using the soap. Calvin tells Hobbes to let him know if he sees any multitudes."
I have a very sarcastic mother. Mom dresses Calvin in his raincoat and cap. Calvin goes to the kitchen to eat his soup. Calvin says he has a very sarcastic mother.
"My elbows are grass-stained, I've got sticks in my hair, I'm covered with bug bites and cuts and scratches... I've got sand in my socks and leaves in my shirt, my hands are sticky with sap, and my shoes are soaked! I'm hot, dirty, sweaty, itchy and tired. I say consider this day seized! Tomorrow we'll seize the day and throttle it! Calvin's elbows are grass-stained, he has bites and scratches, sand in his socks, and leaves in his shirt. His hands are sticky with sap. He's hot, dirty, itchy, and tired. With Calvin in the bathtub, Hobbes says to consider this day seized. Calvin says tomorrow, they'll seize the day and throttle it."
"I saw your teacher, Miss Wormwood, in the supermarket today. She said to say Hi. You saw Miss Wormwood?? She shops at the supermarket? Well certainly. What did you think? I dunno... I kinda figured teachers slept in coffins all summer. Mom tells Calvin she saw Miss Wormwood in the supermarket. Calvin asks if Miss Wormwood shops at the supermarket. Mom says yes, what did he think? Calvin figured teachers slept in coffins all summer."
"WHAP. Don't ask dumb questions. Just ring y doorbell, hold the bat, and yell, 'Ha ha!' Why is that worth ten cents to you? Calvin tosses a ball into the air, and he hits it with the bat. He looks startled. He pushes Susie to his door, telling her to ring the bell , hold the bat, and yell 'Ha, Ha'. Susie has the bat in her hand. She asks him why it is worth ten cents to him."
"Call it. Heads. You said 'Tails', right? I said HEADS. What a play! I'll bet it takes you four downs just to get back on the field! I think football is a sport the way ducks think hunting is a sport. In different colors, Hobbes makes comments on how something looks. Hobbes likes the green one. Mom asks what Calvin wants. She looks, then tells him to put them back. Grumpily, Calvin says Mom said no. Hobbes suggests grown-ups have no taste. They had been looking at different sunglasses."
We don't understand what really causes events to happen. History is the fiction we invent to persuade ourselves that events are knowable and that life has order and direction. That's why events are always reinterpreted when values change. We need new versions of history to allow for our current prejudices. So what are you writing? A revisionist autobiography. Calvin says history is the fiction they invent to persuade themselves events are knowable and that life has order. Calvin says that's why events are reinterpreted when values change. New versions of history are needed to allow for current prejudices. Hobbes asks what Calvin is writing. Calvin tells him it's a revisionist autobiography.
"A painting. Moving. Spiritually enriching. Sublime, ... 'high' art! The comic strip. Vapid. Juvenile. Commercial hack work, ... 'low' art. A painting of a comic strip panel. Sophisticated irony. Philosophically challenging. ... 'high' art. Suppose I draw a cartoon of a painting of a comic strip? Sophomoric. Intellectually sterile. ...'low' art. Calvin looks at a painting on the wall, calling it 'high' art. He looks at a comic strip, calling it 'low' art. He looks at a painting of a comic strip. He calls it sophisticated irony and 'high' art. Hobbes says to suppose a cartoon of a painting of a comic strip. Calvin calls is sophomoric and 'low' art as he starts drawing the picture."
"MOMM! HEY, MOM! Calvin, stop yelling across the house! If you want to talk to me, walk over to the living room, where I am! I stepped in dog doo. Where's the hose? Calvin yells into the house for Mom. Mom tells him to stop yelling across the house. She says if he wants to talk to her, he can walk to the living room where she is. He does it. He tells Mom he stepped in dog doo and asks where the hose is."
"Here's a bug plodding resolutely across the dirt. Put a rock in his way, and he just goes around it. Flip him on his back, and he rights himself and continues on his way. He's focused, determined, and steadfast. If he's mocking me, I'm gonna goosh him. Calvin looks at a bug walking on the dirt. Calvin puts a rock in its way, and he goes around it. If Calvin flips it on its back, it rights itself and continues on. The bug is steadfast, determined, and focused. Calvin looks at it. He says if the bug is mocking him, he's going to goosh it."
"YOWP! AHH! OOH! What a dumb ride, on the hottest days you need the heaviest pands. Calvin climbs the slide and sits down. It burns him, so he climbs down. He says it's a dumb ride. On the hottest days, you need the heaviest pants."
"I hate going to bed before it's dark out! It's not fair! I'll show Mom and Dad, though! They'll pay for this! If I have to go to bed while it's still light, then I'm going to get up when it's still dark! Calvin hates going to be before it's dark. He tells Hobbes that Mom and Dad will pay. He says if he has to go to bed while it's still light, he's going to get up when it's still dark."
"To make instant fun... ...just add water! Heh heh heh FWOOSH. Hee hee. Looking for someone? Uh, who? ME? Ha ha ha ha ha! Um, no-o. I mean, yes... but someone ELSE. Heh heh. Not you. Here's a hypothetical questionyou should ask yourself. If you knew today was your last day on earth, what would you do different? ... ESPECIALLY if, bu doing something DIFFERENT, today might NOT be your last day on earth. I don't think that question was very hypothetical at all. A Zokk circles above a planet where Spaceman Spiff's spacecraft has crashed. Spiff crawls across the sun-baked land. An alien comes over, tells him to put on sun screen and wear a hat if he's going to be outside. The alien walks off telling Spiff to have some common sense. Mom tells Calvin not to give him that look. Spiff survives, fixes his ship, and goes to find a more temperate climate with fewer aliens."
"Jump jump jump jump jump jump jump jump! Ahh, you've fallen into my trap! Maybe you'd like to take that move over! Your remaining piece must have one heck of a plan."
"These real-life video programs are great! Here are ordinary people having actual, horrible experiences, which are broadcast nationwide for the public's viewing amusement! It's intrusion, exploitation, and voyeurism all in one! You never know where a video camera will be! Everything's fair game! Who'd have guessed big brother would go commercial? I love to snicker at other people's tragedy. Calvin says real-life video programs are great. Ordinary people have horrible experiences, which are broadcast for everyone's viewing amusement. It's intrusion, exploitation, and voyeurism all in one. Hobbes asks who'd have thought Big Brother would go commercial. Calvin loves to snicker at other people's tragedy."
"Dad, what's a control freak? That's what lazy, slipshod, careless, cut-corner workers call anyone who cares enough to do something right. Am I in the presence of their king? Should I kneel? If anything works in this world, it's because one of us took charge. Calvin asks Dad what a control freak is. Dad tells him it's what lazy workers call anyone who cares enough to do something right. Calvin asks if he's in the presence of their king. Dad says if anything works in this world, it's because someone took charge."
"SPLOOSH! AAA! No! Wait! Think about it! Wasn't that refreshing?? I need to work on my salesmanship. Calvin hits Mom with a water balloon. As she chases him, he asks if that wasn't refreshing. In bed, Calvin says he needs to work on his salesmanship."
"Mom says if I stay up here for two hours, three days a week, I don't have to take any lessons this summer. In their treehouse, Calvin tells Hobbes that Mom told him if he stays up there for two hours, three days a week, he doesn't have to take any lessons this summer."
"I like people. I'm interested in people. YOU?? As an audience, I mean. Oh. Calvin says he likes people. Hobbes can't believe it. Calvin clarifies he likes people as an audience."
"I got a goal! OH, the score is oogy to boogy. I leady HAD oogy! You just ran into the invisible sector! You have to cover your eyes now, because everything is invisible to yoU! Invisible sector?? I didn't know we had an invisible sector! Where is it? You can't see it. It's invisible. How do I know I went in it then? You can't see anything, right? OK, so how do I get out? Somebody bonks you with the calvinball. I get another point! HEY! OW! WHY YOU... That was a rotten rule! I decree no more invisible sectors! ... in fact, I'll show YOU! YOU just ran into a vortex spot! You have to spin around until you fall down! Sorry, this vortex spot is in the boomerang zone, so the vortex turns to whoever calls it! YOU spin! THAT'S NOT FAIR! You know the calvinball rules. Yeah, yeah, anything we make up. Well, you'll pay for this. This game lends itself to certain abuses. Guess how you get out of the boomerang zone! At night, Mom calls for Calvin, who's outside with Hobbes. Calvin tells Hobbes to start the stopwatch. Hobbes asks if he shouldn't answer Mom. Calvin says she doesn't see them, so she can't prove they heard her. Calvin says the trick is to listen for the tone of voice and answer before she gets mad enough to come looking for them. Mom calls again. Calvin says they now act innocent. He yells back, asking if Mom is calling for him. Mom says to come in, it's getting dark. Calvin tells Hobbes that was a tactical error, because darkness is relative. Calvin says it's not dark, because he can still see his hands. Calvin asks for another ten minutes, and Mom says no. Calvin asks for five minutes, and Mom says no. Calvin tells Hobbes she guessed his five minutes were her half-hour. He says they'll go for a fake agreement. He yells that he's coming in. He tells Hobbes they can stay out until Mom figures out he lied. Hobbes says they've dragged it out 53 minutes so far. Calvin is going for the record. He throws his shoe and says he lost it. Hobbes says every minute outside and awake is a good minute."
"This meeting of the Get Rid Of Slimy girlS club will now come to order! First tiger Hobbes will read the minutes of our last meeting. Thank you. '9:30 - Meeting called to order. Dictator-for-life Calvin proposes resolution condemning existence of girls.' '9:35 - First tiger Hobbes abstains from vote. Motion fails. 9:36 Patriotism of first tiger called into question. 9:37 - Philosophical discussion. 10:15 - Bandages administered." "Dictator-for-life rebuked for biting.' Is this a great club or what? '10:16 - Forgot what the debate was about. Medals of bravery awarded to all parties.' The meeting of G.R.O.S.S. comes to order. Hobbes reads the minutes of the last meeting. Calvin proposed a resolution condemning existence of girls. First tiger abstains from vote. Patriotism of first tiger called into question. Philosophical discussion, followed by bandages being administered. Hobbes ends with reading they forgot what debate was about, so medals of bravery were awarded to all."
"Gentlemen, the purpose of today's meeting is to devise another brilliant plan to annoy our enemy! 'Dictator-for-life Calvin's bold proposal is greeted with huzzahs from membership.' We have tolerated the enemy's presence too long, I say! 'Shouts of asset, much pounding on tables. Three cheers erupt for club ideals. Membership reduced to tears. More huzzahs. Pandemonium ensues. Boy, leading a club is a heady experience. Good meetings always turn into riots. Today's meeting of G.R.O.S.S. is to devise a plan to annoy the enemy. Hobbes writes the proposal is greeted with huzzahs. Calvin says they've tolerated the enemy's presence too long. Hobbes writes there are shouts of assent, followed by pandemonium. Calvin says leading a club is a heady experience. Hobbes says good minutes turn into riots."
"Field scout Calvin reports the enemy was sighted. Engaged in emeny activity, on the sidewalk two doors down. As chief strategist, I suggest... Excuse me. A question from the floor. The chair recognizes first tiger Hobbes. Exactly what 'enemy activity' was the enemy engaged in? You know, girl stuff! Ah. Say no more. G.R.O.S.S. field scout Calvin reports the enemy has been sighted. Hobbes asks a question. Hobbes asks what activity the enemy was engaged in. Calvin replies 'girl stuff'. Hobbes says to say no more."
"All right, here's the plan! We make up a fake code with fake instructions and see that it 'accidentally' falls into Susie's hands! She decodes the message, which says we DON'T want her to go behind our house! Naturally, she'll go there, and we'll be waiting, ready to soak her with water balloons! Why don't we just hit her with water balloons right now, where she's sitting? You're a good officer, Hobbes. But let's face it, you don't have an executive mind. I still think my idea SORT of makes sense... G.R.O.S.S. makes a plan to write a fake code that 'accidentally' will fall into Susie's hands. She'll decode the message saying not to go behind the house, where they'll wait for her with water balloons. Hobbes asks why they just don't hit her with water balloons where she's sitting. Calvin says Hobbes is a good officer, but he doesn't have an executive mind."
"Now this is supposed to look like a coded message from me to you, but we'll leave it for Susie to find. Obviously, the code will have to be easy to break, so she can read the disinformation we're giving her. Who about if we write backwards? Yeah, that's good! Dear Hobbes. Gosh, I hope Susie's not too dumb to figure this out. Cracking codes is second nature to cool spies like us. Calvin writes a coded message. Calvin writes backwards. He hopes Susie isn't too dumb to figure out the code. Hobbes says cracking codes is second nature to cool spies like them."
"TOP SECRET. DEAR HOBBES, IF SUSIE GOES BEHIND OUR HOUSE AT NOON, ALL OUR SECRET PLANS WILL BE RUINED! CALVIN. There! Once Susie decodes this message, she'll be lured to our water balloon trap! What a great plan! My only regret is blowing the best day of my life while I'm so young. The coded message to Hobbes says their plans will be ruined if Susie goes behind the house at noon. Calvin's regret is blowing the best day of his life while he's so young."