"Hello? Hello. Is your mother home? What business is it of YOURS, jerk?! SLAM! Some people sure are nosy. I left three messages today, and nobody returned my call. How rude. Calvin answers the phone. When the caller asks if Mom is home, Calvin slams the phone down after asking what business is it of theirs. He walks off saying people are sure nosy. Mom says she left three messages, and nobody has returned her calls. Calvin says people are rude."
"I think we should get an answering machine. Ugh, I don't. If you have a machine, you feel obligated to return a bunch of calls you'd rather not have received in the first place. WITHOUT a machine, you can just let the phone ring, and eventually the caller gives up and you don't have to talk to him. That wasn't quite my point. That's the problem at work. The secretaries won't ignore the phone, so I'm always talking to people. Mom tells Dad she wants to get an answering machine. Dad doesn't. He'd feel obligated to return calls he didn't want in the first place. Without a machine, you let the phone ring and the caller gives up. Mom says that wasn't her point. Dad says that's the problem at work. The secretaries won't ignore the phone, so he's always talking to people."
"The more you think about things, the weirder they seem. Take this milk. Why do we drink COW milk?? Who was the guy who first looked at a cow and said, 'I think I'll drink whatever comes out of these things when I squeeze 'em!'? Isn't that weird? I think conversation should be kept to a minimum until afternoon. With breakfast cereal in hand, Calvin tells Hobbes the more you think of things, the weirder they seem. He asks who the first person was who looked at a cow and said he'd drink whatever comes out of these things when he squeezes them. He asks Hobbes if that isn't weird. Hobbes thinks conversation should be kept to a minimum until afternoon."
"I've been disempowered. My centering, self-actualizing anima has been impacted by toxic, codependent dysfunctionality! You've been temporarily inconvenienced. Take out the trash. ARE YOU SAYING THERE'S A DIFFERENCE?! Calvin yells that he's been disempowered. His self-actualizing anima has been impacted by toxic dysfunctionality. Mom says he's been temporarily inconvenienced to take out the trash. Calvin asks if she's saying there's a difference."
"Do re mi fa so la ti do. A sparrow alights upon a tree branch. But this is no ORDINARY sparrow. This is a SONG sparrow. Swaying gently in the breeze, he prepares to burst forth a rapturious melody! ON TOP OF SPAGHETTI ALL COVERED WITH CHEEEESE, I LOST MY POOR MEEEATBALLL, WHEN... Calvin puts on his cycling helmet. Calvin's bike sneaks around a tree and attacks him. He runs, but the bike catches up and runs him over. It chases him up a tree, then drags him along behind it. Calvin walks into the house, covered in scratches. He thanks Dad for the helmet. He asks if they sell offensive weapons."
"Dad, what causes wind? Trees sneezing. Really?? No, but the truth is more complicated. The trees are really sneezing today. Calvin asks Dad what causes wind. Dad tells him it's trees sneezing. Calvin asks if that's true. Dad says no, but the truth is more complicated. Later, outside in the wind, Calvin tells Hobbes the trees are really sneezing today."
"What do you think that cloud looks like? A bunch of suspended water and ice particles,... why? Everybody hates a literalist. Looking at the sky, Susie asks Calvin what that cloud looks like. Calvin replies a bunch of suspended water and ice particles. Susie walks away. Calvin says everybody hates a literalist."
"Mom, can I have the car keys? No. Can you believe the encyclopedia doesn't have an entry for 'hotwire'? Calvin asks Mom for the car keys. She says no. Calvin runs off, then returns. He tells Mom there isn't an entry in the encyclopedia for 'hotwire'."
"When I spit, I get pretty good saliva cohesion, but I'm still not getting much distance or accuracy. I think the problem lies in the mix of phlegm. If you don't get that critical mucus mass, you just... ...Hobbes? Nobody likes to hear about a hobby. Calvin tells Hobbes that when he spits, he gets good saliva cohesion, but not much distance. Calvin pushes his nose, saying he thinks the problem is in the mix of phlegm. He says if you don't get that critical mucus mass, it doesn't work. He looks around to find Hobbes gone. Calvin complains nobody likes to hear about a hobby."
"You know what I like to do when someone's talking to me? I stare at the person's chin. I'll nod and respond to whatever he's saying. But I keep looking at his chin and changing my expression. I look quizzical at first, then vaguely repulsed, and later, quietly amused. Then I'll suddenly arch my eyebrows and blink a lot, and then I look skeptical and disbelieving. You get bonus points every time the person loses his train of thought. I'll bet your natural charm has made you a good sprinter. Calvin tells Hobbes when someone's talking to him, he looks at the person's chin. He nods to whatever is being said, but he keeps looking at the person's chin. He looks quizzical at first, then repulsed. He arches his eyebrows, then looks skeptical and disbelieving. Calvin says you get bonus points when the person loses his train of thought. Hobbes thinks Calvin's natural charm has made him into a good sprinter."
"Oh Calvin, would you please empty this in the garage trash can? Boy, some vacation THIS summer is! Calvin tells Hobbes he loves summer. He has three months of nothing to do. As they climb a tree, Hobbes tells Calvin people say idle hands are the devil's workshop. Calvin resents that. Calvin says they work darn hard at this. In the tree, they have a bunch of water balloons. Below the tree is an 'X' marked on the grass. There are signs nearby directing someone to stand there for a big surprise."
"What if there's no afterlife? Suppose this is all we get? Oh, what the heck. I'll take it anyway. Yeah, but if I'm not going to be eternally rewarded for good behavior, I'd sure like to know NOW. Lying under a tree, Calvin asks Hobbes about what happens if there's no afterlife. What if this is all they get? Hobbes looks around and says he'll take it anyway. Calvin says if he's not going to be eternally rewarded for his behavior, he'd like to know now."
"Phup phupp phup PHBBTTB. Hey, that was a GOOD one! Thank you. It's funny how you never see Mom and Dad practice these. Phup phup. They're probably good at it already."
"I watched an old movie with Mom last night. It didn't have any violence, explosive action, or swearing. There was nothing shocking about it at all. Did you like it? It's hard to say. Not having my emotions manipulated is such a weird experience. Calvin tells Hobbes he watched an old movie with Mom last night. There was nothing shocking about the movie at all. Hobbes asks if he liked the movie. Calvin can't say. Not having his emotions manipulated is a weird experience."
"Thursday, Day 4. Light winds, good humidity. Progress slow, getting discouraged. I'm only burping not truly BELCHING. Mellow roundness remains elusive. Harmonics coming along with developing amplitude. Hang in there! They say you should keep a log when you take up a sport. Calvin makes a diary entry. He says he's only burping, not belching. The harmonics are coming with developing amplitude. He tells Hobbes that they say you should keep a log when you take up a sport."
"The literary world is abuzz about Mabel Syrup's sequel to 'Hamster Huey and the Gooey Kablooie.' We have to buy it! It's called 'Commander Coriander Salamander and 'er Singlehander Bellylander'! Achitects should be forced to live in the buildings they design, and children's book authors should be forced to read their stories aloud every single night of their rotten lives. Calvin tells Dad the literary world is abuzz with Mabel Syrup's sequel of 'Hamster Huey and the Gooey Kablooie'. Calvin says they have to buy it. It's called 'Commander Coriander Salamander and 'er Singlehander Bellylander'. Dad says architects should live in the buildings they design, and children's book authors should be forced to read their stories every single night of their rotten lives."
"Hobbes is laughing in his sleep. Hee hee he. Psst! What's so funny? Zzz... shh, I'm going to pounce on Calvin... zz... hee hee... RUN FOR YOUR LIFE, CALVIN! Calvin sees Hobbes laughing in his sleep. He whispers to Hobbes asking what's so funny. Hobbes mumbles back that he's going to pounce on Calvin. Calvin yells in Hobbes' ear for Calvin to run for his life. It shocks Hobbes awake, and Hobbes chases Calvin."
"Another one of THESE days. Uh oh! In another of life's mysterious quirks, Calvin finds himself an inch tall on the writing desk! His only hope is to tear off a sheet from a nearby pad of paper! At his tiny size, folding the sheet is difficult, but soon Calvin's patience is rewarded. He pushes off and catches a small thermal rising up the front of the desk! A gust from an open window sends Calvin soaring across the house! There's Dad! Lean! Lean! Yes! Calvin is able to steer! THIS should get Dad's attention! I don't need parents. All I need is a recording that says, 'Go play outside!' Spaceman Spiff hops out of his craft. There is indication of aliens. He crouches behind a boulder listening to aliens talk about him. He bursts into the open, shooting his death ray blaster. He yells he'll give the aliens something to talk about. Calvin has shot rubber-tipped darts at Mom, Dad, and their guests. Mom chases Calvin. Later in bed, Calvin says Spiff reflects on his miscalculation. He'll revisit the planet, this time with more ammo."
"Mom and Dad say I should make my life an example of the principles I believe in. But every time I do, they tell me to stop it. I'm not sure that total self-indulgence is really a principle. Calvin says Mom and Dad tell him to make his life an example of the principles he believes in. Every time he does, they tell him to stop it. Hobbes says he isn't sure total self-indulgence is a principle."
"Like delicate lace, so the threads intertwine, Oh, gossamer web of wond'rous design! Such beauty and grace wild nature produces... Ughh, look at the spider suck out that bug's juices! Calvin sees a spider web. He says a poem, praising the web's beauty. He ends the poem by commenting on the spider sucking out the bug's juices."
"I read that scientists are trying to make computers that THINK. Isn't that weird?? If computers can think, what will people be better at than machines? Irrational behavior. Maybe they'll invent a psychotic computer."
I need a push! Somebody come and give me a push! RRRGGHHH. Where the heck is the manual override?! Calvin sits on a swing. He yells out for someone to push him. No one comes. He tries rocking the swing himself to no avail. He gets off the swing and looks for the manual override.
"If you stick your tongue out for a long time, it dries up! Try it! Why would anyone want his tongue to dry up?! Because then it feels really weird when you touch it. I'll take your word for it. Some people just aren't open to revelatory experiences. Calvin says if you stick your tongue out long enough, it dries up. Hobbes wonders why anyone would want his tongue dried up. Calvin says it feels weird when you touch it. Hobbes says he'll take Calvin's word and walks off. Calvin says some people aren't open to revelatory experiences."
"ZZIZZZZ WHIPP FLIP ZZZZ ZZZZ FWAP! ZIPPPP ZZZZZ. The only skills I have the patience to learn are those that have no application in real life. Calvin has a yo-yo. He whips it around and around, ending up perfectly in his hand. Calvin says the only skills he has the patience to learn are things with no real application in life."
"Another day, another dollar... ...another irreplaceable chunk out of a finite and rapidly passing lifetime. What a beautiful summer day... and I've got to spend it in an office. Brother. It seems like I'm always rushing off and never taking the time to enjoy days like this. I'd sure like to have a quiet day around the house. No traffic, no schedule, no phone calls... boy, that would be great. I could spend some time with Calvin, read a book, go on a bike ride... Maybe I should take the day off. The world wouldn't end if I didn't go into the office today. Days like this don't come often and life is short. Hi Dad. Bye Dad. AUGHH. YOU GET BACK HERE AND PICK EVERY ONE OF THESE DEAD BUGS OUT OF MY SHAMPOO!! I MEAN NOW! Mom pulls an octopus out of the refrigerator. He plungers the creature into a pot, pours gasoline, a shrunken head, paint, and weed killer onto it, then mixes it. At dinner, Calvin pushes his plate away. Mom says she spent over an hour fixing it. Calvin says he saw what went into it, and he's not touching it."
"Can you make a living playing silly games? Actually, you can be among the most overpaid people on the planet. ...sighhh... Calvin tosses a baseball into the air, but misses his swing of the bat. He asks Dad if you can make a living playing silly games. Dad tells him you can be among the most overpaid people on the planet. Calvin sighs as he tries to hit the ball again."
"I am the world's most powerful computer. Ask me a question. Why does the world's most powerful computer wear little red sneakers? Calvin puts a box, which has drawings on it to look like a computer, over himself. He tells Hobbes he's the world's most powerful computer, and offers to answer any question. Hobbes wonders why the computer wears little red sneakers. Calvin chases Hobbes."
"I am the world's most powerful computer. Ask me a question. Did Calvin clean his room as I asked him to, or did he spend the whole morning playing with a cardboard box? Um... system error... delete question and try again. What happened? Mom booted me up here. Calvin puts the box over himself, then tells Mom to ask him a question. Mom asks if Calvin cleaned his room or spend the day playing with a cardboard box. Calvin says there was a system error. He says to delete the question and try again. Upstairs, Hobbes asks what happened. Calvin says Mom booted him up there."
"From now on, I'm not doing anything I don't want to do! The world OWES me happiniess, fulfillment and success. Well, lucky you! Yeah, I'm just here to cash in. Going down the hill in their wagon, Calvin says he won't do anything he doesn't want to. He says the world owes him happiness and fulfillment. Calvin says he's just here to cash in."