"I know more about the private lives of celebrities than I do about any governmental policy that will actually affect me. I'm interested in things that are none of my business, and I'm bored by things that are important to know. The media aim to please. Maybe the economy should be discussed in cheap motel rooms. Riding down the hill in the sled, Calvin tells Hobbes he knows more about celebrity lives than any governmental policy that will affect him. He says he's interested in things that aren't his business, and he's bored with things that are important to know. Hobbes tells him the media aim to please."
"A million things that bug me. 1. Dried-out catsup on the bottle rim. 2. Toast crumbs in the butter. 3. Mushy bananas. 4. Worms on the sidewalk. 5. Skin on pudding. 6. Making a hand gesture for quotation marks. 7. Raisins. How about 'excessively negative people'? Yeah, that's a good one. ...HEY! Calvin is making a list of a million things that bother him. Mushy bananas, skin on pudding, raisins, etc. Hobbes offers 'excessively negative people'. Calvin likes that. Then he realizes what Hobbes meant."
Want to see me juggle? I can keep a dozen eggs in the air at once! HUHH! ACKPTH! Notice I didn't say I could do it for very long. This rug must need a thicker pad. Calvin asks Hobbes if he wants to see him juggle. He can keep a dozen eggs in the air at once. He tosses them into the air. They all fall down on him and the carpet. Calvin says he didn't say he could do it very long. Hobbes thinks the carpet needs a thicker pad.
"This tiger is sprawled so still and so flat, a question arises when glancing thereat. Is he asleep? To be perfectly frank, he looks more as if he was creamed by a tank! AAAUGH Hobbes lies on the floor. Calvin says a poem about the tiger sprawled still and flat. He asks if he's asleep, and to be frank, he says Hobbes looks like he was creamed by a tank. Calvin walks off. Hobbes pounces."
Do you believe in evolution? No. You don't think humans evolved from monkeys? I sure don't see any difference. Woo hoo hoo! Calvin asks if Hobbes believes in evolution. Hobbes says no. Calvin asks if he doesn't think humans evolved from monkeys. Hobbes says he doesn't see any difference. He runs off laughing while Calvin chases him.
There's nothing good on TV. Then turn it off. Turn it OFF?? You mean I should just sit here staring at a blank screen all day?! Oh. Calvin complains there isn't anything good on television. Dad tells him to turn it off. Calvin asks if he should sit and stare at a blank screen all day. Dad kicks Calvin out of the house.
"I can't sleep. I think nighttime is dark so you can imagine your fears with less distraction. At nighttime, the world always seem so big and scary, and I always seem so small. I wish I could fall asleep, so it would be morning. Sighhhh... Look at Hobbes. HE'S asleep. Z. Heh heh... he sure looks funny when he sleeps. Tigers close their eyes so tight. I wonder what he's dreaming about. Good ol' Hobbes. What a friend. Z. Things are never quite as scary when you've got a best friend. Z Z Z Z Calvin puts some jelly on a slice of toast, then throws the toast. Hobbes leaps past Calvin to messily eat the toast on the floor. Hobbes says he likes breakfast on the run. Mom angrily drags Calvin, carrying a mop and bucket, to the mess. Calvin pleas that it's their nature. Mom wonders why he can't eat at the table like a civilized human being."
"Let's find some slugs and worms. Why do we want to find slugs and worms? Because they're gross. That's why one AVOIDS slugs and worms. If we avoid them, we can't dare each other to eat one. Toodle-oo. What's the matter with you?! You don't like FUN?! Calvin wants to dig for slugs and worms because they're gross. Hobbes thinks that's why they avoid them. Calvin explains that if they avoid them, they can't dare each other to eat one. Hobbes turns and runs away. Calvin asks if he doesn't like to have fun."
"Hey Susie! Do you dare me to eat this worm?? Just one? Um... well, yeah. Don't you think that's disgusting? See him wriggle? Eating five at once would be disgusting. I don't know about just one. You want me to eat FIVE?! Geeeez! Who'd have thought disgust would be so inflationary?! Calvin asks Susie if she dares him to eat a worm. Susie thinks eating five would be disgusting, but she doesn't know about just one. Calvin is shocked she wants him to eat five. He goes to dig more worms. He wonders who'd have thought disgust would be so inflationary."
"OK, Susie, I got five worms. But it will cost you 50 cents to see me eat them. 50 cents?! I'd only pay 50 cents if you ate 50 worms. That's a penny a worm. Right. I'll give you a nickel to eat those five. Five cents?! What if I have to go to the hospital because of this? Oh, all right. I'll throw in another nickel if you go to the hospital. ...not so fast! First, prove you even HAVE two nickels! Calvin has five worms and tells Susie she'll have to pay 50 cents to see him eat them. Susie says she'll pay a penny a worm. Calvin asks what happens if he goes to the hospital because of eating the worms. Susie offers another nickel if he goes to the hospital. Calvin wants to see the two nickels first."
"OK, give me the nickel and I'll eat the worms. No, you eat the worms and THEN I'll give you the nickel. How about two cents up front and the rest upon completing the job? Sorry! You don't get paid until you do the work. Man, you'd think the guy eating the worms would be calling the shots! Usually, if you're calling any shots, you're not eating worms. Calvin asks for the nickel to eat the worms. Susie says she'll pay after he eats the worms. He asks for two cents up front. Susie won't pay until he does the work. Calvin thinks the guy eating the worms would call the shots. Susie offers that if you're calling any shots, you're not eating worms."
"Ready? Five worms down the hatch! Here goes! Closer... closer... wriggling, squirming, dirty, slimy worms! Closer... closer! Boy, they're really close now! How revolting! Closer... closer! Um... feel free to run away screaming any time. Not with my nickel at stake. Calvin starts to eat the worms. He pauses, explaining how slimy and dirty the worms are. He peeks at Susie while saying how much closer he's getting to eating the worms. He tells Susie she can run away screaming at any time. Susie won't with her nickel on the line."
"Calvin, WHAT are you doing? I'm eating worms for a nickel! No you're not! Time for you to come home! And Susie, it's mean to take advantage of kids with no common sense. AW MOM, YOU SPOIL EVERYTHING! What a relief! Thanks Mom. Great timing. If I haven't seen you for two minutes, I figure there's trouble. Mom asks Calvin what he's doing. Calvin tells her he's eating worms for a nickel. Mom says he isn't, and she takes him home. Mom tells Susie it's mean to take advantage of kids with no common sense. Calvin is relieved. He thanks Mom. Mom says if she hasn't seen him in two minutes, there's trouble."
"How long till you're done? At least 15 minutes. Plus drying. ...sighhhh... I'm bored. There's nothing to do. Nothing to do?!? It's a beautiful summer day! You've got the whole outdoors to play in! If you can't find something to do, it's because you haven't tried. Go on! Use some imagination! My upbringing is filled with inconsistent messages. Hobbes hits Calvin's pitch. Calvin retrieves the ball to find out Hobbes hasn't started to run the bases yet. Calvin grabs the ball and comes running. Hobbes stops to 'tie his shoe'. He hops backwards, then crawls like a worm. Calvin is getting closer, running at top speed. Right before Calvin can tag Hobbes out, Hobbes touches home. Later, Mom is putting a bandage on Calvin. She asks what happened that he needs bandages and Hobbes needs stitching. Calvin says Hobbes deserved it."
"Little joys of life. 1. Reading a new comic book. 2. Petting a happy dog. 3. Getting a letter in the mail. 4. Eating the marshmallows in hot chocolate. 5. Smiling when a big kid calls you a nasty name... and then punching his teeth straight down his ugly neck. You really pull the ol' heartstrings. Some of these I haven't personally experienced, sad to say. Calvin writes the little joys of life. Petting a dog, reading a comic book, smiling when a kid calls you a nasty name and you punch his teeth down his neck. Hobbes reads Calvin's list and says he pulls the ol' heartstrings."
"Look, Hobbes. This world is kind of like TV. A casual observer might even confuse the two. But if you notice, here the colors are less intense and the people are uglier. Also, I see that several minutes can go by without a single car chase, explosion, murder or pat personal exchange. Why settle for less, hmm? Shh. This is my favorite deodorant commercial. Calvin says the world is like TV. He says the colors outside are less intense and the people are uglier. He can go minutes without a car chase, murder, or explosion. Hobbes asks why he would settle for less as Calvin watches his favorite deodorant commercial."
"You're a bat-faced, bug-eyed, booger-nosed, baloney-brained beetle-butt! This volunteer social work just isn't for me. Calvin sits behind a box reading 'Candid Opinions'. Susie walks by, and Calvin calls her a bug-eyed, baloneybrained, beetle-butt. Lying on his smashed box, Calvin suggests volunteer social work isn't for him."
"Today for show and tell, I've brought in some flash cards I made. Each card has a letter followed by several dashes. When I show you the card, you yell the vulgar, obscene or blasphemous word they stand for! ...Ready? She's such a hypocrite about building vocabulary. Calvin has some flash cards he made for show and tell. Each card has a letter with some dashes. The class is supposed to yell the vulgar word they stand for. At his desk, Calvin grouses about Miss Wormwood being such a hypocrite about building vocabulary."
"I believe personal greed justifies everything. Also, private lives are legitimate public entertainment. And the lowest common denominator is always right! Do I have career options or what? I think I need to start hanging around with other animals. Calvin believes greed justifies everything. He says private lives are legitimate public entertainment, and the lowest common denominator is always right. He asks Hobbes if he has career options, or what. Hobbes thinks he needs to start hanging around with other animals."
"Historical marker. 'Calvin's house'. In January, some 40 snowmen met a gruesome fate on this spot. Every day I look for a moving van here. Knock knock. Great moons of neptune! A fool mortal female! Calvin? I'M not Calvin! I'm Stupendous Man! Friend of freedom! Opponent of oppressions! Uh huh. What are you doing? I was just about to use my stupendous powers to liberate some cookies being held hostage on the top shelf of the pantry! Now if you'll excuse me, duty calls! SLAM! A blot of crimson streaks across the sky! The man of megamight is off to save the day! Did they have an egg you could borrow? No one was home, Mom. An alien beams down from his spaceship and talks to Calvin, but he doesn't understand. The alien attacks Calvin. Calvin runs into his house and hides in the corner while the alien comes to him. The alien notices the television, so Calvin turns it on for him. The alien is happy, and Calvin is relieved. The alien beams back to his spaceship. Dad turns off the television and complains to Calvin about it being on. Calvin tries to explain."
"I'm not going to school any more. Oh? Nope! I've decided to be a 'hunter-gatherer' when I grow up! I'll be living naked in a tropical forest, subsisting on berries, grubs, and the occasional frog, and spend my free time grooming for lice! All the experts say it's bad parenting to squelch a kid's ambitions. Calvin tells Mom he isn't going to school anymore. He's going to be a 'hunter-gatherer' when he grows up. He'll live in a forest, eating berries and grubs. Standing for the school bus, Calvin tells Hobbes the experts say it's bad parenting to squelch a kid's ambitions."
"Miss Wormwood, I have a question about this math lesson. Yes? Give that, sooner or later, we're all just going to die, what's the point of learning about integers? Turn to page 83, class. Nobody likes us 'big picture' people. Calvin asks Miss Wormwood what the point of learning integers is if they're all just going to die. Miss Wormwood ignores him. He grouses that nobody likes 'big picture' people."
"The problem with people is they don't look at the big picture. Eventually, we're going to die, our species will go extinct, the sun will explode, and the universe will collapse. Existence is not only temporary, it's pointless! We're all doomed, and worse, nothing matters! I see why people don't like to look at the big picture. Well, it puts a bad day in perspective. Calvin tells Hobbes people don't look at the big picture. He says everyone will die, the sun will explode, and they're all doomed. He says existence is temporary and nothing matters. Hobbes sees why people don't like to look at the big picture. Calvin says it puts a bad day in perspective."
"Miss Wormwood, could we arrange our seats in a circle and have a little discussion? Specifically, I'd like to debate whether cannibalism ought to be grounds for leniency in murders, since it's less wasteful. For some reason, they'd rather teach us stuff that any fool can look up in a book. Calvin asks Miss Wormwood if they can arrange their seats in a circle and have a discussion of whether cannibalism ought to be grounds for leniency in murders, since it's less wasteful. Sitting with a dunce cap in the corner, Calvin says they'd rather teach stuff any fool can look up in a book."
"I flunked a test today. But I don't mind. No? It's a question of priorities, Hobbes. A man's got to make room for what he cares about. These days are precious, and I'd rather spend them goofing around than studying. I never really thought of ignorance as a quality of life issue. Apparently, neither has Dad. Going down the hill on the sled, Calvin tells Hobbes he failed a test but doesn't mind. Calvin says a man has to make room for what he cares about. The days are precious, so he'd rather spend them goofing around than studying. Hobbes never thought of ignorance as a quality of life issue. Calvin tells him neither has Dad."
"You know why birds don't write their memoirs? Because birds don't lead epic lives, that's why! Who'd want to read what a bird does? Nobody, that's who! This is changing the subject, but have you ever noticed how somebody can say something totally loony and not be aware of it? What are you supposed to do, just let it slide?? Sometimes if you wait, he'll top himself. I say just punch 'im then and there! Calvin asks Hobbes why birds don't write their memoirs. Calvin says nobody would want to read what a bird does. Calvin then asks Hobbes if he's noticed how some people can say something loony and not be aware of it. He asks if you're supposed to do. Hobbes offers that if you wait, he'll top himself."
"Oh no! Everything has suddenly turned neo-cubist! It all started when Calvin engaged his Dad in a minor debate! Soon Calvin could see both sides of the issue! Then poor Calvin began to see both sides of EVERYthing! The traditional single viewpoint has been abandoned! Perspective has been fractured! The multiple views provide too much information! It's impossible to move! Calvin quickly tries to eliminate all but one perspective! It works! The world falls into recognizable order! You're still wrong, Dad. Calvin is writing a self-help book. He tells Hobbes you convince people there's something wrong with them, and that the problem isn't their fault. Lastly, you convince them that with your guidance, they can conquer their problem and be happy. Hobbes asks what problem he's going to help people solve. Calvin says their addiction to self-help books. His book is called 'Shut Up and Stop Whining: How to Do Something With Your Life Besides Think About Yourself'. Hobbes thinks he should wait for the advance before buying anything. Calvin says if his program works, he can't write a sequel."
"THIS IS A BIG, FAT WASTE OF MY TIME! HELLPP!! IT'S THE THOUGHT POLICE! In class, Calvin shouts that this is a big waste of his time. Later, he yells it's the thought police as hands try to grab him back into the classroom."
"Want to hear a joke? Sure! OK, this guy goes into a bar. No, wait, he doesn't do that yet. Or maybe it's a grocery store. OK, it doesn't matter. Let's say it's a bar. He's somewhere in the vicinity of a bar, right? So anyway, there's this dog and he says something odd, I don't remember, but this other guy says, um, well, I forget, but it was funny. I'll try to imagine it. Yeah, you'll really laugh. Calvin tells Hobbes a joke, or tries to. He starts it with a guy going into a bar. Calvin stops, then says it's a grocery store. Then, he decides it doesn't matter. Calvin says it's in the vicinity of a bar. He continues by saying there's a dog who says something odd, but Calvin doesn't remember what it was. Then the guy says something Calvin can't remember. He tells Hobbes it was funny. Hobbes offers to try to imagine it."