"No sense putting it off. It's time for spring cleaning. Good for you. What about the HOUSE? What ABOUT the house? Dad says he's not putting off spring cleaning. Later, Mom sees him cleaning his bicycle. She asks what about the house. Dad doesn't know what she's talking about."
"I'M HOME! YAHHHH SLAM! What a chump! KNOCK KNOCK Forget it, you moron! I'm not opening the door! You can just stay out there all night! Oh, I can't WAIT to here THIS one explained. An airliner's engines explode. The aircraft plummets out of control. A train jumps the tracks. Both the jet and train are converging on one spot where the tectonic plates in the earth's crust are shifting. At that spot is Farmer Brown,"
"It's a funny world, Hobbes. True. But it's not a hilarious world. ...unless you like sick humor. The world is probably funnier to people who don't live here. Going down the hill in the wagon, Calvin says it's a funny world. They fly into the air. Calvin says it's not a hilarious world. Hobbes says 'unless you like sick humor'. Lying smashed up on the ground, Calvin says the world is funnier to people who don't live here."
"Oh good, a true or false test! At last, some clarity! Every sentence is either pure, sweet truth or a vile, contemptible lie! One or the other! Nothing in between! Calvin gets a true or false test. He's glad there is clarity. Each sentence is either the truth or a lie. He looks at the questions. He tosses a coin."
"I'm at peace with the world. I'm completely serene. Why is that? I've discovered my purpose in life. I know why I was put here and why everything exists. Oh really? Yes, I am here so everybody can do what I want. It's nice to have that cleared up. Once everyone accepts it, they'll be serene too. Calvin tells Hobbes he's at peace with the world and is serene. He has discovered his purpose in life. He's here so everybody can do what Calvin wants. Calvin says once everyone accepts it, they'll be serene too."
"Ahh, spring! I say let's move on to summer. Calvin is happy it's spring. Suddenly, the wind blows, and it starts to rain. Calvin runs inside the house. He grabs his comic book and says they should move on to summer."
"I thrive on change. YOU?! You threw a fit this morning because your Mom put less jelly on your toast than yesterday! I thrive on making OTHER people change. In the wagon, Calvin says he thrives on change. Hobbes says Calvin had a fit that morning because Mom put less jelly on his toast than yesterday. Calvin clarifies he thrives on making other people change."
"Eww, mud. Look at this gooshy, dirty, slimy, thick wet muck. Blecchh. Talk about a kid magnet. Calvin sees a mud puddle and says 'Eww'. He pokes it with a stick, saying it's dirty and slimy. He walks off. He turns around saying it's a kid magnet."
"True friends are hard to come by. I need more money. I wish people were more like animals. Animals don't try to change you or make you fit in. They just enjoy the pleasure of your company. Animals aren't conditional about friendships. Animals like you just the way you are. They listen to your problems, they comfort you when you're sad, and all they ask in return is a little kindness. WHOOONK! *SOB* It's so... so TRUE! HOOOOT! THBPBTPTH! ... and speaking of 'a little kindness', I'd have a tuna fish sandwich any time soon that you happen to make one. Of course, SOME animals get on your nerves once in a while. Going down the hill in the wagon, Calvin says some people are born lucky and some unlucky. He says you can't fight luck. Hobbes points out they're heading for the cliff. Calvin says that's bad luck. Hobbes jumps out. Calvin says you go along, minding your own business, and your luck runs out. As he bounces over the cliff, he says if you're unlucky, you're condemned to suffer. From the top of the cliff, Hobbes says he landed in the pricker bushes, just like yesterday. Calvin says maybe his luck will change tomorrow."
"Susie, I think it's only fair to tell you that there is absolutely no way I would even CONSIDER asking you to the senior prom. That's eleven YEARS from now! I figure that might give you enough time to find somebody who will. If I'd known her longer, I could've given her more notice. Calvin tells Susie there is no way he'd consider asking her to the senior prom. Susie says that's eleven years away. Calvin figures that will give her enough time to find somebody who will. Lying upside down against his locker, Calvin says if he'd known her longer, he'd have given her more notice."
Z. I think tigers are actually classified as liquids. Har har. Calvin sees Hobbes sprawled sleeping on the chair. He tells Hobbes that tigers are actually classified as liquids.
'"F'?! It seems to me that if I'm not learning this material, you must not be a very good teacher! Wogga muk gubba pum wup! Boo! Gop! What?? Calvin gets a grade of 'F'. He complains that if he's not learning the material, Miss Wormwood must not be a very good teacher. She says something, but Calvin imagines Spaceman Spiff facing a horrible alien. After she's finished, Calvin asks what she just said."
"Is this milk spoiled? Smell it and see. I'M not going to smell it! YOU smell it! Oh, for goodness' sake. Here... it's fine. I don't take chances with a product that prints the date you might expire. Calvin asks if the milk is spoiled. Mom tells him to smell it to find out. He won't. Mom checks it, and she says it's fine. Calvin says he doesn't take chances on products that print the date you might expire."
"Curiosity is the essence of the scientific mind. For example, you know how milk comes out your nose if you laugh while drinking? Well, I'm going to see what happens when I inhale milk INTO my nose and laugh! Idiocy is the essence of the male mind. I'm guessing it will shoot out my ears. Don't you want to see?? Calvin tells Susie that curiosity is the essence of the scientific mind. He asks Susie if she knows how milk comes out your nose when you laugh while drinking. He puts straws into his nostrils and says he's going to see what happens when he inhales milk into his nose, then laughs. Susie says idiocy is the essence of the male mind."
"I think I'll count all the rocks I can find. 400 trillion and three, 400 trillion and four, 400 trillion and five...Wow, I bored myself awake. Calvin starts to count all the rocks he can find. He gets to 400 trillion and five, then wakes up. He says he bored himself awake."
"Mild-mannered Calvin is stuck inside doing math problems on a beautiful Sunday. No one is watching! He dashes into his closet! THIS is a job for .... STUPENDOUS MAN! Defender of freedom! Advocate of liberty! A bright crimson streak blasts up through the atmosphere and then turns back toward Earth! Gaining stupendous momentum, STUPENDOUS MAN strikes the ground at an acute angle with stupendous force! The Earth slowly stops rotating... and begins to turn in the opposite direction! Pushing with all his might, STUPENDOUS MAN turns the planet all the way around backwards! The sun sets in the east and rises in the west! Soon it's 10A.M. the previous day! What are you doing outside? Did you finish your homework already? It's Saturday! I don't need to do it until tomorrow... thanks to STUPENDOUS MAN! Calvin gets out of bed and runs past Mom saying he's up. She chases Calvin, telling him to go to bed. He climbs under the chair and around an end table. Mom grabs him and takes him to bed. Calvin yells that he's not tired and wants to stay up. Mom collapses, exhausted, on the chair downstairs. Calvin, in bed, says Mom has to earn a night's respite from him."
"Want to help me make a poster? Sure. What's it for? It's a school contest. We're supposed to do traffic safety posters. The winner gets five bucks! Wow! Think of it! We'll be rich! And then there's the fame and glory! I tell you, this could be our ticket out of this two-bit dump! Sounds good. What's our winning poster going to say? That's where YOU come in. Calvin asks Hobbes to help with a safety poster he's doing for school. The winner gets five dollars. Calvin says they'll be rich. This could be the ticket to fame and glory. Hobbes asks what the poster will say. Calvin informs Hobbes that's where he comes in."
"Our traffic safety poster needs a catchy slogan that promotes awareness and caution. Any ideas? How about, 'Don't look into car headlights and freeze, because you'll either get run over or shot!' I'll check the statistics, but I don't think that happens to many people. There's more to this world than just people, you know. Calvin says the safety poster has to promote awareness. Hobbes suggests not looking at headlights and freezing, because you'll get run over or shot. Calvin says he'll check the statistics, but he doesn't think that happens to many people. Hobbes informs him there is more in the world than just people."
"Hey Dad, I'm doing a traffic safety poster. Do you have any ideas for a slogan? Sure! 'Cyclists have a right to the road too, you noisy, polluting, inconsiderate maniacs! I hope gas goes up to eight bucks a gallon!' Thanks, Dad. I'll go ask Mom. Why? That's a GREAT slogan! Calvin asks Dad for a poster suggestion. Dad, putting his cycling helmet on for a ride, suggests cyclists have a right to the road, you polluting maniacs. Calvin says he'll go ask Mom."
"Mom suggested the slogan, 'Before you cross, look each way... and you'll get home safe each day.' That's kind of catchy. Yeah, but I like MY idea better. 'Be careful, or be roadkill!' I suppose that lends itself more to your particular brand of illustration. I hope I have enough cadmium red. Calvin tells Hobbes that Mom suggested looking both ways before crossing. Hobbes likes it, but Calvin likes his idea better. Be careful, or be roadkill. Hobbes supposes that lends itself to Calvin's brand of illustration. Calvin looks at his crayons and hopes he has enough cadmium red."
"With my great slogan and your great artwork, this traffic safety poster is a shoe-in for first prize! A solid foundation of anatomical study is essential for the artist. What should we spend the prize money on? Of course, technical skill alone isn't enough. A picture needs depth of feeling. I think I'll blog it all on jaw breakers and comic books. I'll draw some stars to show pain and human suffering. When you've got talent like ours, the world is your oyster. As Hobbes draws the poster, Calvin figures they'll win first prize. Hobbes says a solid foundation of anatomical study is essential for the artist. Calvin wonders what to spend the prize money on. Hobbes says a picture also needs depth of feeling. Calvin thinks he'll spend it all on jaw breakers and comic books. Hobbes will draw stars to show pain and human suffering. Calvin says with talent like theirs, the world is their oyster."
"There! Finished! Hey, that's terrific! When we win first prize, I'll give you 25% of the winnings. WHAT?! I did all the drawing! YOU should get 25% But it was MY great idea! We'll split 60-40. 50-50. Oh, all right, BE selfish! A good compromise leaves everybody mad. Hobbes is finished drawing the safety poster. Calvin says he'll give Hobbes 25% of the winnings. Hobbes says since he did all the drawing, Calvin should get 25%. Calvin said it was his idea. Hobbes offers a 50/50 split. Calvin calls him selfish. As he walks off, Calvin says a good compromise leaves everybody mad."
"ATCHOO! Booger balls are illegal! Whap! First base! Fifth! Ninth! Puff puff ELEVENTH! puff TWENTY-FIFTH! Calvin's going for home! Too late! You're out! I think we need to change the rules. Oh, you want to play the sissy way now, I bet. Calvin's meal attacks him and swallows him. It chews Calvin up, then spits out a skull and bone. Mom says it was revolting, but Dad says it worked. They dance. Calvin looks at a plate of food and claims they're trying to kill him with that stuff. Mom says he doesn't have to eat it, but she's not making anything else."
"Hi Calvin. I see you wasted your time drawing a safety poster for the school contest. I didn't waste my time! Sure you did. The winning entry is right here. The prize is as good as mine. 'Be careful or be roadkill!' That's really disgusting. Thank you. What IS that all over the drawing? Chunky spaghetti sauce! Calvin tells Susie that he's going to win the safety poster contest. He shows Susie the poster. She thinks it's disgusting. She asks what is on his poster. He tells her it's chunky spaghetti sauce."
"Who would like to show his or her traffic poster first? I WOULD! I WOULD! All right, Calvin. Step up front. Thank you! My poster says, 'Be careful, or be roadkill!' Drawn in patent-pending '3-D gore-o-rama', this picture will actually attract flies, because the drawing is splattered with spaghetti sauce! I can see you're all just sick about your chances of winning. Miss Wormwood asks who would like to show his poster first. Calvin volunteers. Calvin announces it's drawn in '3-D Gore-o-rama'. He says the poster will actually draw flies because of the spaghetti sauce. Calvin can see the class is just sick about their chances of winning."
"Well Hobbes, all we have to do now is wait for the judges to award our poster first prize, and we'll be rolling in moolah and prestige. You know, we really ought to enter more contests. I never realized how much fun it is to win! But we haven't won YET. But we WILL, and then everyone will know how great we are. Don't they already? Oh, you know how people are. They only recognize greatness when some authority confirms it. Calvin tells Hobbes they just have to wait for the judges to award them first prize. Calvin thinks they should enter more contests. He didn't realize how much fun it would be to win. Hobbes reminds him they haven't won yet. Calvin says they will, then people will know how great they are. He says people only recognize greatness when an authority confirms it."
"Our poster didn't win? I still can't believe it. What a miscarriage of justice! This contest was a joke! Obviously the judges were biased against us from the start! Well, the important thing is that we tried our best. The IMPORTANT thing is that we LOST! Oops, I always forget the purpose of competition is to divide people into winners and losers. What's the point of trying if you can't be a winner? Calvin can't believe he didn't win. He claims the judges were biased. Hobbes tells him the important thing was they tried their best. Calvin retorts the most important thing was that they lost. Hobbes says he forgets the purpose of competition is to divide people into winners and losers."
"Dad, my poster didn't win the contest! I think the judges were on the take and the whole thing was rigged! I want you to call the school board, have them declare a fraud, and make them take the prize away from Susie and give it to ME! Calvin, losing is a part of life. You should learn to be a good sport about it and keep things in perspective. After all, winning isn't everything. Is that really what they believe on the planet you're from? You've been watching athletic shoe ads again, haven't you? Calvin complains to Dad that the poster contest was rigged. Calvin wants Dad to call the school board and make Susie give the prize to him. Dad explains losing is a part of life. He tells Calvin to be a good sport and keep things in perspective. He says winning isn't everything. Calvin asks if that's really what they believe on the planet he's from."
"The late Cretaceous period ... when dinosaurs ruled the Earth! And Calvin ruled the dinosaurs! The terrible Tyrannosaurus sinks it teeth into a triceratops! Triumphant again, the undisputed king of dinosaurs let's out a mighty roar! With savage ferocity, the monster begins it's feast! Limb-severing, bone-crushing, and tendonsnapping, he ... Calvin! That's disgusting! For heaven's sake, slow down and chew quietly! The terrible Tyrannosaurus resumes eating, mortified that someone might see him. Hobbes pounces on Calvin. Right before impact, Calvin stoops down to pick up a dime. Hobbes tumbles over him, stops, scratches himself, stretches, then walks off. Calvin says Hobbes would love for him to believe that somersault was intentional and innocent."