Calvin & Hobbes

"OK, you've all read the chapter, so let's review. Calvin, where was the Byzantine Empire? I'll take 'Outer Planets' for $100. Miss Wormwood starts the class review of the chapter. She asks Calvin where the Byzantine Empire was. Calvin thinks, then answers that he'll take 'Outer Planets' for $100."

"MOM! WAKE UP! COME QUICK! What's wrong? What's the matter? Do you think love is nothing but a biochemical reaction designed to make sure our genes get passed on? Whatever it is, it's all that's keeping me from strangling you right now. Mom's midnight assurances are never very reassuring. At night, Calvin yells for Mom to come quick. When she gets to his room, he asks her if she thinks love is a biochemical reaction designed to make sure genes get passed on. Sleepily, she says whatever it is, it's keeping her from strangling him right now. After she leaves, Calvin says Mom's midnight reassurances are never very reassuring."

"When you're a kid, you don't have much variety of experience. You live with your parents and that's all you know. You grow up thinking whatever they do is 'normal'. Ahh, what a day! Up at 6:00, a 10-mile run in the sleet, and NOW a big bowl of plain oatmeal! How I love the crazy hedonism of weekends! Well, maybe 'normal' is too strong a word. I think we'd know normal if we saw it. Calvin and Hobbes are playing with toys on the floor. Calvin says when you're a kid, you don't have much variety of experience. You grow up thinking whatever your Mom and Dad do is normal. Dad comes in from outside. He says he finished a 10 mile run in the sleet after getting up at 6:00. He's going to get a bowl of oatmeal. His cheeks are flushed, and there is snow on his wool cap. Calvin tells Hobbes that maybe 'normal' is too strong a word."

"Get up, Calvin! I'm not going to call you again! I bet. You're going to miss the bus! Now get out of bed! You don't know the answer? Then sit down. Hey, Twinky, want to see if there's an afterlife? No, you can't go play until you finish your homework. Just eat your food. You don't need to play with it. Stop stalling and get into the bathtub. No, you can't stay up a little longer. Go to bed. Have a good night's sleep. Tomorrow's another big! ... sighhhhhhh... Calvin runs after cows in a chute, runs around a wheel like a hamster, walks like a robot, and is a fish gasping for air. Going down the hill in the wagon, Calvin tells Hobbes he's glad to see him. Hobbes asks if he had another typical school day."

"Rrgggh... 125... Oof. Rrrggh... 5,200! Exercise is a lot more gratifying if you count what it FEELS like. Calvin is doing a pushup. He counts 125. He does another, and he counts 5200. He says exercise is a lot more gratifying if you count what it feels like."

"I don't want to get up. I don't want to get dressed. I don't want to wait for the bus. I don't want to go to school. I don't want to listen to the teacher. I don't want to study. I don't want any tests. I don't want any homework. How was your day? It pitched a perfect no-hitter. In bed, Calvin doesn't want to get up or wait for the bus. Standing for the bus, he doesn't want to go to school or listen to the teacher. At school, he doesn't want to study or get homework. When he gets back home, Mom asks how his day was. Calvin says it pitched a perfect no-hitter."

"You know, ther emust be thousands of animal species, and of ALL of them, only humans wear clothes. Isn't that weird? I wonder why other animals don't wear clothes. If our naked pink butts showed, we probably would. Our butts are just fine! As Calvin gets undressed for a bath, he tells Hobbes of all the animal species, only humans wear clothes. He wonders why other animals don't wear clothes. Hobbes thinks if their naked pink butts showed, they would."

"I'm going outside. Are you done with your homework? Yes. You read the whole chapter? Let's just leave it that I'm done. Back to your room, buster. Calvin tells Mom he's going outside. She asks if he's done with his homework. He says yes. She asks if he read the whole chapter. Calvin replies they should just leave it that he's done. Mom tells him to go back to his room."

"I'll bet SOME kids walk around corners without even thinking about it. That was a rotten trick. In the house, Calvin walks along, then stops to take off his shirt. When he gets to a corner, he holds his shirt out and Hobbes pounces on it. Calvin says some kids walk around corners without thinking about it. Hobbes, chewing and tearing the shirt, says that was a rotten trick."

"Gravity must pull especially hard on tigers. That's an impression we like to cultivate. Calvin sees Hobbes lying on the floor. He says gravity must pull especially hard on tigers. Hobbes is in the air behind Calvin, on his way to pouncing. Hobbes thinks that's an impression they like to cultivate."

"Three... two... one... LIGHT SPEED! Blasting across the galaxy in hyper light drive, it's Spaceman Spiff, interplanetary explorer extraordin... Since Calvin seems to be enjoying the lesson, let's have him demonstrate the next problem. ZOONDS! A Zok death sloop appears out of nowhere and fries Spiff's stabilizers! Our hero hurls out of control towar his imminent doom! The situation is desperate! This could be the end! What can our hero do?? His mind racing furiously, Spiff springs into action! He downshifts his spacecraft and ... stalls. RINGG! Oh, darn, out of time. Once again Spaceman Spiff beats all odds to save the day! Calvin wakes up thirsty, so he heads for a drink of water. Hobbes follows and stalks Calvin. Calvin sleepily returns to the bedroom, but Hobbes pounces. Calvin has a horrified expression on his face. Mom and Dad turn on the light to find him on the floor. They think he was sleepwalking, but Calvin says it was a homicidal psycho jungle cat. In bed, Hobbes laughs about how Calvin's face looked. Calvin says if Mom and Dad cared about him at all, they'd buy some infrared nighttime vision goggles."

"Look at these TV commercials. Each one is a jumble of lightning quick, unrelated images and film techniques. It duplicates the effect of rapidly flipping through channels. It's a barrage of non-linear free association. I guess they're admitting that a 15-second commercial exceeds the American attention span by a good 14 seconds. Huh? Are you still talking about that? Calvin watches TV and tells Hobbes the commercials are quick, unrelated images. He says it's a barrage of nonlinear free association. Hobbes says it looks like they're admitting a 15 second commercial exceeds the American attention span by 14 seconds. Calvin asks if he's still talking about that."

"Scientific names? Sure. Scientists come up with great, wild theories, but then they give them dull, unimaginative names. For example, scientists think space is full of mysterious, invisible mass, so what do they call it? 'DARK matter'! Duhh! I tell you, there's a fortune to be made here! I like to say 'quark'! Quark, quark, quark, quark! Instead of making an idiot of yourself, why don't you go find me some scientists? Calvin is selling scientific names for a dollar. He tells Hobbes scientists are great for theories, but they give them dull names. He tells Hobbes scientists think space is full of mysterious, invisible mass. They call it 'dark matter'. Calvin says there's a fortune to be made. Hobbes says he likes to say 'quark'. He says it several times. Calvin tells him that instead of making an idiot of himself to go find him some scientists."

"Miss Wormwood, I protest this 'C' grade! That's saying I only did an 'average' job! I got 75% of the answers correct, and in today's society, doing something 75% right is outstanding! If government and industry were 75% competent, we'd be ecstatic! I won't stand for this artificial standard of performance! I demand an 'A' for this kind of work! I think it's really gross how she drings Mallox straight from the bottle. Calvin protests his 'C' grade to Miss Wormwood. He says he got 75% of the answers correct, and in today's society that's doing outstanding. He says if industry was 75% competent, they'd be ecstatic. He demands an 'A'. Calvin thinks it's really gross that she drinks Maalox straight from the bottle."

"History will thank me for keeping this journal at such a young age. As one of those rare individuals destined for true greatness, this record of my thoughts and convictions will provide invaluable insight into budding genius. Think of it! A priceless historical document in the making! Wow! ... so who ELSE should I add to my list of total jerks? Who else do you even know? Calvin is keeping a journal. As a person destined for greatness, his thoughts and convictions will be invaluable insight into budding genius. He tells Hobbes it's a priceless historical document in the making. He asks Hobbes who else he should add to his list of jerks. Hobbes asks who else he even knows."

"Wait, Dad! I've got a great idea! Don't shave next to your mouth, OK? Let the whiskers grow about a foot long and then wax 'em so they stick straight out! Then you'll look like a big cat! Dad didn't think the firm would go for it. Preposterous! Dad is shaving, and Calvin suggests he doesn't shave next to his mouth. He should let his whiskers grow, then wax them so they stick straight out. He'll look like a big cat. Dad just looks at him. Calvin tells Hobbes that Dad didn't think the firm would go for it. Hobbes thinks that's preposterous."

'"Tiger! Tiger! Burning bright, in the forests of the night.' Blake wrote that. Apparently the tiger was on fire. Maybe his tail got struck by lightning or something. Flammable felines -- what a weird subject for poetry. That is why I try to sleep through most of the day. Calvin tells Hobbes a line from the poet Blake that talks about tigers burning bright in the forests of the night. Calvin thinks the tiger was on fire, probably from lightning. He walks away thinking flammable felines are a weird subject for poetry. Hobbes lies back down and says that's why he tries to sleep through most of the day."

"Whenever I need to do some serious thinking, I go for a walk in the woods. There are always a million distractions out here. I don't believe in ethics any more. As far as I'm concerned, the ends justify the means. Get what you can while the getting's good - that's what I say! Might makes right! The winners write the history books! It's a dog-eat-dog world, so I'll do whatever I have to, and let others argue about whether it's 'right'or not. HEYY! WHY'D YOU DO THAT?!? You were in my way. Now you're not. The ends justify the means. I didn't mean for EVERYONE, you dolt! Just ME! Ahh... Calvin is snatched from bed by a robot. He's dropped into a cleaning machine, then he's sent to the kitchen by turbo chute. Dad takes off for work on his jet pack. He says he'll be home for dinner unless the shuttle is late from his moon meeting. Mom asks Calvin to put on his jacket. She asks why he's standing there. As Mom puts a jacket on Calvin, she wishes he'd try to stay in the present. Calvin sighs."

"BORRRING. Yeah, yeah... Kill the messenger. Calvin sits at his school desk, fighting off sleep. He finally yells 'borrring'. On his way to the principal's office, he says they're killing the messenger."

"Hello, county library? Reference desk, please. Thank you. Hello? Yes, I need a book on painting theory and technique. Specifically, I'm interested in graffiti. Is there a book that explains the proper use of materials and lists popular dirty words and slogans? What on earth do they spend their money on over there? Calvin calls the library reference desk. He needs a book on painting theory. He's specifically interested in graffiti. He asks for a book that explains use of materials and lists popular dirty words and slogans. He walks off wondering what on earth they spend their money on over there."

"Calvin: Memoirs of a Six-Year-Old. My life has been a fascinating series of amazing exploits, about which I have many profound insights. But frankly, none of it is any of your darn business, so butt out! The end. Do publishers demand that manuscripts be typed? I wouldn't sweat it. Calvin writes his memoirs. He writes his life is a series of amazing exploits, about which he has profound insights. But none of it is their business, so butt out. The end. Calvin asks if it's true publishers demand that manuscripts be typed. Looking at the memoirs, Hobbes says he wouldn't sweat it."

"AAUGH! The peanut butter is ruined! You're supposed to scoop one half straight down and then dig out the other side from the bottom, so part of the top remains undisturbed until the very end! What on earth for? It's a ritual! You have to keep the top of the peanut butter smooth! Maybe you should make your own sandwiches. If you can't control your peanut butter, you can't expect to control your life. Did you cut the bread diagonally? Calvin looks at the peanut butter jar and says it's ruined. He says you're supposed to scoop half straight down, then dig the other side from the bottom. Mom asks why. Calvin says it's a ritual to keep the top of the peanut butter smooth. She suggests he make his own sandwiches. Calvin says if you can't control your peanut butter, you can't expect to control your life. He asks if she cut the bread diagonally."

"AAAUGH! AAUGHH! Something's crawling down my left! Get it out! ... oh, it's just a couple of pennies. I've got a hole in my pocket. *Whew* You never know when some crazed rodent with cold feet might be running lose in your pants. Another reason not to wear 'em." "Walking along, Calvin yells that something's crawling down his leg. He finds it's just a couple of pennies. He has a hole in his pocket. Calvin tells Hobbes you never know when a crazed rodent with cold feet might be running loose in your pants. Hobbes says that's another reason not to wear them."

"Do you think babies are born sinful? That they come into the world as sinners? No, I think they're just quick studies. Whenever you discuss certain things with animals, you get insulted. Calvin asks Hobbes if he thinks babies are born sinful. Hobbes says he thinks they're just quick studies. Calvin says whenever you discuss certain things with animals, you get insulted."

"Z Z. Boy, rough life, huh? What have YOU done today?! People! Calvin has a lemonade stand, charging $15 a glass. Susie asks how he justifies that. Calvin says supply and demand. Susie doesn't see any demand. Calvin explains that as stockholder in the enterprise, he demands monstrous profit. As CEO of the company, he demands an exorbitant salary. As an employee, he demands a high wage and lots of benefits. Susie complains it looks like he threw a lemon in some sludge water. Calvin had to cut expenses somewhere to stay competitive. Susie asks what happens if she got sick from it. Calvin says he stands behind the motto 'caveat emptor'. Susie walks away. Calvin complains anti-business types like her who ruin the economy. Later, Calvin tells Mom he needs to be subsidized."

"The TV listings say this movie has 'adult situations'. What are adult situations? Probably things like going to work, paying bills and taxes, taking responsibilities... Wow! They don't kid around when they say 'For mature audiences.' I've never understood how those movies make any money. Looking at TV listings, Calvin asks Hobbes what 'adult situations' are. Hobbes thinks they're probably going to work, paying bills, and taking responsibilities. Calvin says they don't kid around when they say 'for mature audiences'. Hobbes never understood how those movies ever made money."

BANG WHANG CLANG ZANG PANG BLANG. WILL YOU STOP THAT AWFUL RACKET?! YOU'RE DRIVING ME CRAZY! ... and a check mark for Tuesday! Calvin bangs on a pot with a spoon. He keeps doing it. Mom yells for him to stop that racket. He's driving her crazy. Calvin puts another check mark on his calendar for the day.

"Miss Wormwood? Yes, Calvin? My generation doesn't absorb information this way. Could you reduce everything to factoids? Turn to page 21, class. At least televisions understand us. Calvin asks Miss Wormwood that since his generation doesn't absorb information this way, could she reduce everything to factoids. Miss Wormwood goes on. Calvin says at least their televisions understand them."

"I hate it when it's this windy. You know what I hate? I hate when I'm talking and someone turns the conversation to himself! It's so rude! Why do they think I'm talking?! It's so they can hear about ME! Who cares what THEY have to say! If I start a conversation, it should stay on the subject of ME! I also hate it when people look at me all bug-eyed. That must happen a lot. Walking in the wind, Hobbes says he hates it when it's so windy. Calvin says he hates when he's talking and someone turns the conversation to himself. It's so rude. He's talking about himself, so who cares what they have to say. Hobbes looks at him. Calvin also hates it when people look at him bug-eyed."