"What are you doing? I'm throwing people off my trail with deceptive footprints. See everyone will think these tracks were made by a one-legged kid going THAT way, and they'll be completely wrong! Who exactly is on your trail? Look, it doesn't hurt to take precautions. Calvin hops backward in the snow. He's making deceptive footprints. He tells Hobbes people will think the tracks were made by a one-legged kid going the other way. Hobbes asks who's on his trail. Calvin says it doesn't hurt to take precautions."
"Nobody can make me go inside! I've got 200 snowballs that say I'm staying OUT! No one's gonna make ME come in the house! DOESN'T ANYBODY MISS ME?!? Calvin has 200 snowballs in his snow fort. He says nobody's going to make him come in the house. He waits, and waits. He opens the door to the house, asking if anybody misses him."
"I used to hate writing assignments, but now I enjoy them. I realized that the purpose of writing is to inflate weak ideas, obscure poor reasoning and inhibit clarity. With a little practice, writing can be an intimidating and impenetrable fog! Want to see my book report? 'The Dynamics of Interbeing and Monological Imperatives in Dick and Jane: A Study in Psychic Transrelational Gender Modes.' Academia, here I come! Calvin now enjoys writing assignments. He realizes the purpose is to inflate weak ideas, obscure poor reasoning, and inhibit clarity. He asks Hobbes if he wants to see his book report. 'The Dynamics of Interbeing and Monological Imperatives in Dick and Jane: A Study in Psychic Transrelational Gender Modes'."
"Here we are, high on Rigor Mortis Ridge, steeling ourselves for the terrifying descent into Grim Reaper Gorge! Why do we risk life and limb in a vertical free fall, when we could be safe at home by the fire? Because it is man's indominable nature to scare himself silly for no good reason! If you make it home to the fire, you can tell me how it was. See? This is why there were never any great animal explorers! On Rigor Mortis Ridge, Calvin and Hobbes sit on the toboggan. Calvin asks why they risk life and limb when they could be safe by the fire at home. He says it's man's nature to scare himself silly for no good reason. Hobbes gets off the toboggan. As Calvin goes down, Hobbes says if he makes it home to the fire, he can tell Hobbes how it was. Calvin yells this is why there are no great animal explorers."
"SMACK! AH HA HA HA! That was hilarious! Ha ha ha! POW! A joke is never as funny the second time you hear it. Calvin hits someone with a snowball. He laughs, saying that was hilarious. He gets hit by a snowball. He says a joke is never as funny the second time you hear it."
"140 million years ago, the incredible 'ultrasaurs' wander over the earth! Some weigh over 70 tons, and even the vicious allosaurs are no match for these giants! But wait! A distant rumbling sends the ultrasaurs into a panicked stampede! Is it a volcano? Is it an earthquake? No! It's... it's a Calvinosaurus! Named after the renowned archeologist who discovered it, the huge calvinosaur can eat an ultrasaur in a single bit! Phooey! I never find ANYthing. It looks like you've hit the sewer pipe. Hobbes asks if Susie is Calvin's valentine this year. Calvin says no. Hobbes bets Calvin's heart beats faster at the sound of her name. He says Calvin longs to look into Susie's eyes. Hobbes says Calvin's cheeks are flushed. He says Calvin quivers to imagine Susie and him locked for eternity in a passionate embrace. Calvin gets angry and fights with Hobbes. Hobbes asks where the honeymoon is, if he can be 'best tiger', and if Calvin has picked out a ring yet. Susie comes up to them and hits Calvin with a snowball for sending her a valentine with a picture of her as a worm-eaten corpse. Hobbes asks if Calvin sent her a card. He pages Doctor Love, Doctor I.M.N. Love."
"I should be doing my homework now. But the way I look at it, playing in the snow is a lotm ore important. Out here I'm learning real skills that I can apply throughout the rest of my life. Such as? Procrastinating and rationalizing. Building a snowman, Calvin says he should be doing his homework. He thinks playing is more important. He's learning skills that he can apply throughout his life. Hobbes asks what skills those are. Calvin says procrastinating and rationalizing."
"Look at that! An angel. It must be a FALLEN angel! Generally they burn up in the atmosphere, but this one apparently vaporized on impact, leaving this angel-shaped crater in the snow! There are more over there. God must've been punting angels left and right. Strange that there would be so many in Susie's front yard. I'll bet they're all related to her. Calvin and Hobbes see a snow angel. Calvin thinks it must be a fallen angel. He says they usually burn up in the atmosphere. Hobbes sees more snow angels. Calvin thinks God must have been punting angels right and left. Hobbes thinks it's strange so many would be in Susie's front yard. Calvin figures they're all related to her."
"I'm making a monumental, heroic snow sculpture. It will be called 'The Triumph of Perseverence.' Very inspiring. What will it look like? This. You're through? I'm bored. Calvin's making a heroic snow sculpture. He has one snowball made. He will call it 'The Triumph of Perseverance'. Hobbes asks what it will look like. Calvin says like this. Hobbes asks if he's through. Calvin says he's bored."
"It's like shooting fish in a barrel. Susie sees a sign saying there is an important message with an arrow. She runs over to see another sign, saying the next sign has the important message. She gets to the sign which reads 'Look out'. Above the sign, in the tree, Calvin drops a big snowball. He says it's like shooting fish in a barrel."
Look at this! This is the biggest snowball in the world! Ha ha! I can't wait to plaster somebody with it! How are you going to pick it up? Reality continues to ruin my life. Maybe you could put it someplace where someone will walk into it. Calvin makes what he says is the biggest snowball in the world. He can't wait to hit someone with it. Hobbes asks how he's going to pick it up. Calvin is mortified. He says reality continues to ruin his life. Hobbes suggests he could put it someplace someone will walk into it.
"I'm not going to do this homework! C'mon, let's go outside! Nobody gives the evil eye like your Dad. Did you see how his veins throbbed? Calvin says he's not going to do his homework. He and Hobbes head for outside. There is a giant eye with legs sitting on the chair. Taking their coat and scarf off, Hobbes says nobody gives the evil eye like Dad."
"I can never enjoy sundays, because in the back of my mind, I always know I've got to go to school the next day. It's like trying to enjoy your last meal before the execution. A penny for your thoughts. Sorry, MY thoughts are a buck a piece. A DOLLAR?! That's outrageous. Your thoughts aren't worth that! This one is. At a dollar, it's the bargain of a lifetime. I wouldn't pay a nickle for any thought you've ever had in your whole flearidden existence! That little remary just made the price ten dollars! TEN?? You can't extort me! Keep your stupid though! If you knew what it was, you'd BEG to pay ten bucks for it. C'mon, just tell me what it is, will you? Nothing doing, pal. OK, OK. I'll give you 25 cents. That's all I have. Let's see it. Here! 25 cent! Now what's this big, expensive thought of yours?! A fool and his money are soon par...' Calvin readies himself for a trip on the toboggan. He looks down for miles on the landscape below. Over he goes, coming down from mountainous heights. Calvin looks back when he's stopped to see the tiny hill he came down. He sighs."
"What's in the big bag? Nothing YOU need to know about. C'mon, tell me! Well, let's just say it's something that might come in handy today. Why? What happens today? We've got a history test, remember? So what did you bring? A bomb? Wouldn't you and the Principal BOTH like to know! Susie asks Calvin what's in the bag. He won't tell. He says it might come in handy today. He reminds Susie they have a history test. Susie asks if it's a bomb. Calvin asks if she and the principal wouldn't like to know."
Why won't you tell me what's in that bag? It's a severed head. It is NOT! Don't be disgusting! Fine. Don't believe me. You said it would come in handy during today's test. The head is an oracle. I'll put it on my desk and it will tell me answers. Forget I asked! I don't even care! SOOOOSIE IS A BOOGER BRAAINN! It speaks the truth!
Here are your tests. You may begin. Can I get something from my locker? What do you need? I can't tell you. Then sit and do your test. You're spoiling a great surprise for the class! It would be a great surprise for ME if you'd just get to work. Miss Wormwood passes out the tests. Calvin asks if he can get something from his locker. Calvin won't tell her what it is. Miss Wormwood tells him to do his test. Calvin says she's spoiling a great surprise for the class. Miss Wormwood says it would be a surprise for her if he'd get to work.
"Cough cough cough. Can I get a drink of water? OK, but hurry up. THIS is a job for... Calvin starts coughing during the test. He asks to get a drink of water. He runs out to his locker to get his Stupendous Man costume."
"To avoid detection while changing identities, mild-mannered Calvin leaps into his locker! There he makes the stupendous transformation into... STUPENDOUS MANNN! Da ta da tum tum da ta da tum tum. Gosh, it's dark in here. Where's that darn handle? To avoid detection, Calvin leaps into his locker to transform into Stupendous Man. Calvin can't find the handle to get out of his locker."
"BANG BANG BANG. I can't get out! Hmm... this is a REAL job for Stupendous Man! Bang bang bang bang bang. Heck, this may even be a job for the custodian. Calvin bangs on the locker door. He can't get out. He says this is a real job for Stupendous Man. He bangs on the door some more. He thinks this may even be a job for the custodian."
"Here comes somebody! This meeting of the top secret club G.R.O.S.S. (Get Rid Of Slimy girlS) will come to order. Today this august assembly will decide whether to demote President Hobbes on charges of heresy! HERESY?! Let the record show that the defendent made an UNdisparaging comment about the possible membership of Susie Derkins, an admitted girl and enemy of this club. Let the record ALSO show that Supreme Dictator-for-Life Calvin is a nincompoop. OK, just for that, you're also charged with insubordination! This court finds you guilty on both counts and strips you of your title! Ha! As court stenographer, I refuse to enter the verdict! In fact, I'm PROMOTING myself to 'El Tigre Numero Uno'! Oh yeah?! Well then, I promote MYself to 'Most highest grandest exalted, um, supreme, uh...' There! I wrote 'Hobbes equals great' in the official club notebook! Now it's a law! IT IS NOT! GIMME THAT! Ha ha ha! I'M writing 'Hobbes equals ugly fur ball'! What do you think of THAT? Oh ho! I take the supreme dictator hat! Now I'M the supreme dictator! You give that back! I declare you null and void! Truce? Truce. What a great club. Too bad we don't have more members. Maybe we should allow Susie to join. Calvin walks up to Dad sitting in the chair. Calvin says 'Kazam'. Dad turns into a slug. Calvin does it again, and the lamp and table turn into a bug. Dad tells him to be quiet. Calvin does it again, and Mom turns into a bug. Mom says if Calvin is bored, they'll find something for him to do. Calvin goes upstairs to his room and opens his window. He looks outside and says 'Kazam'. The neighborhood is a desolate landscape."
"Where's Calvin? Didn't he come back from the drinking fountain? I'll bet he's at his locker, Miss Wormwood. He brought something secret in a paper bag today that he said would help him on the test. Five years until retirement. Five years until retirement. STUPENDOUS MAN's stupendous powers are of no avail in this cunning trap! Zounds! It's STUPENDOUS MAN's fiendish nemesis, the crab teacher, coming to finish him off! Calvin? Miss Wormwood notices Calvin hasn't come back from the water fountain. Susie tells her Calvin might be at his locker, since he brought something to help with the test. Miss Wormwood walks down the hall, thinking 'Five years until retirement'. Inside the locker, Stupendous Man sees his nemesis, the Crab Teacher, coming for him."
"Let's see if Calvin got whatever was in his locker. With stupendous muscles of magnitude, Stupendous Man breaks free!! What on earth?! S.. for Stupendous! T... for Tiger, ferocity of! U.. for Underwear, red! P.. for Power, incredible! E... for Excellent physique! N... for ...um... something... hm, well, I'll come back to that... D..." "for Determination! U... for... wait, how do you spell this? Is it 'I'?? It's not enough that we have to be disciplinarians. Now we need to be psychologists. Your nefarious scheme will never succeed! Miss Wormwood opens the locker, and Stupendous Man comes out. Calvin spells stupendous, with a meaning for each letter. He gets stuck near the end and can't finish. Miss Wormwood brings Calvin back to class, complaining teachers need to also be psychologists."
"Stupendous Man escapes! A crimson bold bursts through the air! Calvin, come back here! Now it's off to apply my stupendous powers of concentration to the history test of my alter ego, mild-mannered Calvin! TADAA! Have no fear, boys and girls! I'm Stupendous Man, champion of liberty and justice! Try to restrain yourselves, girls! I'm just here to do Calvin's test. He lives on YOUR street, doesn't he? I hardly even KNOW him, Candance! Stupendous Man escapes from Miss Wormwood. He enters the classroom to do Calvin's test. Susie tells a classmate that she doesn't hardly even know Calvin."
"Stupendous Man's stupendous knowledge lets him complete the test with stupendous speed! 1492! The battle of Lexington! Trotsky! The cotton gin! Another triumph for virtue and right! And now, with a whoosh, Stupendous Man is off into the sky! So long, kids! Always brush your teeth! Kapwinggg! Class, did Calvin come in here?! Has anyone seen him? Here I am, Miss Wormwood! Boy, was I thirsty! Stupendous Man answers the test questions, then runs out of the classroom. On the way, he reminds the kids to always brush their teeth. The class sits with stunned expressions on their faces. Miss Wormwood comes in asking if Calvin has come in. Calvin walks in behind her, out of the Stupendous Man costume, wiping his mouth from his long drink."
"AAAUGHH! Let go! Let go! You've got the wrong guy! I'm Calvin! I didn't do anything wrong! BONK CRASH. I just got a drink of water! You SAID I could! Stupendous Man is the one you want! I'm not him! Help! Help! SCRAPE DRAG. Class, YOU saw Stupendous Man! Tell Miss Wormwood! ARRGGH! Help! I've been falsely accused! CRUNCH CLUNK. When Mom asks me how my day at school was, I always just say, 'Fine,' and change the subject. NO! NO! Susie sits at her desk while she hears Calvin say they have the wrong guy. Calvin claims they want Stupendous Man. Calvin, still fighting with Miss Wormwood, asks the class to tell her it wasn't him. Susie thinks that when her Mom asks how the day at school was, she'll just say 'fine' and change the subject."
"So the teacher told Mom and Mom hit the roof and took away my costume. Yikes. Um... has Stupendous Man EVER won a battle? Well, they're all MORAL victories. One can't be picky. Oh, and I flunked the test, too. Calvin explains to Hobbes that Mom took his costume away. Hobbes asks if Stupendous Man has ever won a battle. Calvin says they're moral victories. Calvin tells him that he also flunked the test."
"Sssss ssssss. If there's more to life than this, I don't know what it is. Spaceman Spiff is pursued by hostile aliens. Spiff dives toward the mysterious world below. The aliens are still on his trail. He flies through a tight arch, hoping the aliens will crash as they follow. Calvin is under a table, with Mom grabbing at his feet. Calvin says the ol' battleship is surprisingly maneuverable. Mom says Calvin is going to bed if she has to chase him all night."
"They're snowmen prophets of doom. You certainly take the pleasure out of waiting for daffodils. Calvin builds snowmen prophets of doom. They hold signs saying 'the end is near' and 'spring is coming'. They're partially melted. Mom says he takes the pleasure out of waiting for daffodils."
"Look, Hobbes. There's a quiz in my new issue of Chewing magazine. 'Does your gum deliver? 10 questions show what you could be missing!' Let's see how my gum does. '1. How hard is your gum at the beginning? A) Rock-like or brittle B) Pleasantly firm C) Squishy or bendy.' Hmm... my gum is pretty hard at first. I'll mark 'A'. Gosh, I've got a negative five points already! I'm not getting all the performance I'm entitled to! I wonder what people knew before there were magazine quizzes."