"I'M HO-OME! Click. OOMF! SEE? SEE?! That's what he does when I come home!! He thinks YOU tossed ME in the air?! Why, I've never been so insulted in my life! I need to get a video camera. Calvin shows Hobbes his latest snow sculpture. Hobbes doesn't see anything. Calvin tells Hobbes art is dead. There's nothing to say, so art has no purpose. He signs his name in the snow and offers it to Hobbes for a million dollars. Hobbes says it doesn't match his furniture. Calvin says the problem with being avant-garde is knowing who's putting on who."
"This snowman doesn't look very happy. He's not. He knows it's just a matter of time before he melts. The sun, ignores his entreaties. He feels his existence is meaningless. Is it? Nope. He's about to buy a big screen TV. Hobbes looks at a snowman that has a frown. Calvin tells Hobbes the snowman knows it's a matter of time before the sun melts it. The snowman feels his life is meaningless. Hobbes asks if it is. Calvin says no, the snowman is going to buy a big screen TV."
"Home, sweet home. Dad walks on the sidewalk heading home. At the end of sticks put next to the sidewalk are heads of snowmen with frowns on their faces. Dad says it's home, sweet home."
"For the townsfolk below, the day began like any other day. Calvin makes a tiny snowman. He makes several more, then walks up a hill. On his toboggan at the top of the hill, Calvin says the townsfolk below began their day like any other day."
"What's wrong with your snowman? It's a snow WOMAN. I don't care. We're not having an anatomically correct snowman in the front yard. Calvin asks Susie what's wrong with her snowman. It has breasts. Susie tells him it's a snow woman. Later, with Calvin standing next to a snowman with its back to Mom, she tells Calvin they're not having an anatomically correct snowman in the front yard."
"I hate trudging up these hills. I didn't come out here to WORK! I came out here to ride and have FUN! Well, you can't ride the sled if you don't climb the hills. I could if you pulled me up. He's so lazy and selfish. Hobbes pulls the sled up the hill. Calvin complains he hates trudging up the hills. He didn't come out to work, he came out to play. Hobbes tells him he can't ride the sled if he doesn't climb the hills. Calvin says he can, if Hobbes pulls him up. Calvin, standing with the sled rope in hand and no Hobbes around, says Hobbes is lazy and selfish."
"Ha ha! I'd sure like to see Mom make me come inside NOW! With this fort and arsenal of 200 snowballs, NOBODY can tell ME what to do! I can stay out here all day! At last, I'm the master of my fate! I'll stay outside as long as I please! Back inside so soon? It's too cold out. In his snow fort, with several snowballs made, Calvin says he'd like to see Mom make him come inside. He says with his arsenal, he can stay out all day. He's the master of his fate and can stay outside as long as he pleases. Mom sees Calvin warming his hands and asks if he's back inside so soon. Calvin says it's too cold out."
"Blecchhh. 'TO BE?? ...or... NOT to be? *sighhh* That is the question. Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to SUFFER the SLIGNS and ARROWS of outrageous fortune... ...or to take ARMS against a sea of troubles... and by opposing, END them? To die: to sleep: no more! And by a sleep to say we END the heartache and the thousand natural shocks that flesh is heir to... *sniff* 'tis a consummation devoutly to be wished! To die, to sleep! To sleep perchance to DREAM: Ay, THERE'S the rub! ... for in that sleep of death, what dreams may come when we have shuffled off this mortal coil must give us pause.' Blink blink. FEEHEELINGGS wo wo wo. You finished that right up! Did you like it? Let's not have this ever again. In the snow fort, Calvin and Hobbes complain nobody's attacked their fort. They're too popular. Calvin says he's a genius, so people are drawn to his intellect. Hobbes believes jungle cats are held in higher esteem. He says you can't take a kid out in public, but tigers add savoir faire to any social occasion. Calvin says at least kids don't have fleas. Hobbes counters that's because fleas can't stand the way kids smell. They threaten each other, then throw snowballs. As they lie on the ground, covered with snow, Hobbes suggests they don't need enemies. Calvin says best friends are all he can take."
"Eggplant Casserole tonight? Why, yes! Dad gets out of the car to see snowmen. One is lying face down, one bent over retching. Another is clutching at its throat. Inside, Dad asks Mom if they're having eggplant casserole. Mom says 'why, yes'."
"All that fur must be strictly ornamental. Calvin sees Hobbes lying in the sunlight coming through the window. He sees Hobbes lying in front of the fireplace. He sees Hobbes lying on a heating register. Later, he sees Hobbes under the covers in bed. Calvin says all that fur must be strictly ornamental."
"Nothing I do is my fault. My family is dysfunctional, and my parents won't empower me! Consequently, I'm not self-actualized! My behaviour is addictive functioning in a disease process of codependency! I need holistic healing and wellness before I accept any responsibility for my actions! One of us needs to stick his head in a bucket of ice water. I love the culture of victimhood. Calvin says nothing he does is his fault. He says his family is dysfunctional, so he's not self-actualized. He says his behavior is addictive functioning in a disease process of toxic co-dependency. He need holistic healing before he'll accept responsibility for his actions. Hobbes says one of them needs to stick his head in a bucket of ice water. Calvin says he loves the culture of victimhood."
"Why is this snowman looking at a snowball? He's contemplating snowman evolution. Obviously, if he evolved from a snowball, it raises tough theological questions for him. Like the morality of throwing someone's precursors at someone? Sure. And what about shoveling one's genetic material off the walk? Calvin has built a snowman looking at a snowball. He tells Hobbes he's contemplating snowman evolution. If he evolved from a snowball, it raises tough theological questions. Hobbes asks if one of those would be the morality of throwing one's precursors at someone. Calvin says yes, and adds the question of shoveling one's genetic material off the walk."
"It's that moment of dawning comprehension I live for. Calvin stops when a snowball plops in front of him. He looks up. Horrified, he's hit by several snowballs. Up in the tree, Hobbes says it's that moment of dawning comprehension he lives for."
"Look at this! Some idiot dumped trash out here! People seem to forget that others of us have to live on this planet too. You know, I don't understand why humans evolved as such thoughtless, shortsighted creatures."
"I like to verb words. What? I take nouns and adjectives and use them as verbs. Remember when 'access' was a thing? Now it's something you DO. It got verbed. Verbing weirds language. Maybe we can eventually make language a complete impediment to understanding. Calvin tells Hobbes he likes to verb words. He takes nouns and adjectives and uses them as verbs. He asks Hobbes if he remembers when 'access' was a thing. Now, it's something you do. Calvin says verbing weirds language. Hobbes hopes they can eventually make language a complete impediment to understanding."
"Wow, chocolate chip cookie batter! I love it before it's cooked! Can I have some? Please, please? Now, it's got raw eggs in it and you could get salmonella poisoning. One more nostalgic part of childhood goes THBPPTH. Calvin sees chocolate chip cookie batter. He asks Mom if he can have some. She says it's got raw eggs in it and he could get salmonella poisoning. Calvin walks off lamenting one more nostalgic part of childhood going THBPPTH."
"Where are my glasses? I thought they were right here. Hmm... I put them down... I went to get my book... I told Calvin to shovel the walk... Where could they be?? Dad can't find his glasses. He tries to trace what he did. He remembers telling Calvin to shovel the walk. As he wonders where they might be, outside there are two snowmen. One looks like Calvin holding a shovel. The other looks like Dad, including glasses, with a rope in his hand. It looks like it's threatening to whip the Calvin snowman."
"The secret to making great hot chocolate is to put the tiny marshmallows in FIRST. So they melt faster? No. So you can fit in 40 or 50 of them. This way, the hot chocolate just fills the cracks. I wondered why you eat it with a fork. Also, I don't use milk. I just heat the syrup., Calvin says the secret to great hot chocolate is to put the tiny marshmallows in first. Hobbes asks if that's so they melt faster. Calvin says it's so you can fit 40 or 50 of them. The hot chocolate just fills in the cracks. Hobbes wondered why Calvin ate it with a fork. Calvin also doesn't use milk. He just heats the syrup."
"What are you doing? Don't wear your boots through the house! Considering where my SHOES have been, I thought she'd be happy. Mom tells Calvin not to walk through the house with his boots on. He takes them off. He walks on tracking something on the floor. He says considering where his shoes have been, he thinks she would have been happy he had boots on."
"If you do a job badly enough, sometimes you don't get asked to do it again. Calvin has shoveled a path from the front steps around the house to the driveway. On each side of the path, in front of the door, and behind the car, there is a pile of snow. Calvin tells Hobbes that if you do the job badly enough, sometimes you don't get asked to do it again."
"Any good mail today? Mm... not really. Here's a 'You're not covering the cost of all these mailings' charity request. You've got a 'You're not attractive enough' women's magazine with an article on swimsuits that minimize all your body flaws. Here are some 'You're not stylish or ostentatious enough' catalogs... and coincidentally, an invitation to go deeper in debt from a credit card company. And here's our news magazine to identify the trend of the week we're missing... and I got a hobby magazine featuring new equipment I ought to have. Yikes. ...Why do I get the feeling that society is trying to make us discontented with everything we do and insecure about who we are? I suppose if people thought about real issues and needs instead of manufactured desires, the economy would collaps and we'd have total anarchy. So pitching this junk would make me some kind of terrorist, huh? Yep. It's our patriotic duty to buy distractions from a simple life. Hey Mom, I saw a bunch of products on TV that I didn't know existed, but I desperately need! A man and woman are talking. She says the dinner is delicious. He says it's dog food, and don't call him honey. She says she's president of the United States. He says she's president of Deluded Fruitcakes Anonymous. She says"
"1. Write a paragraph explaining the significance of Magellan's expedition. A gas mask, a smoke grenade, and a helicopter... that's all I ask. Calvin has an assignment to explain the significance of Magellan's expedition. He prays for a gas mask, smoke grenade, and a helicopter."
"Calvin, don't just throw your wet coat on the floor! Hang it up where it belongs! I'm not looking for extra work around here. Oh, like I am. Mom yells at Calvin not to throw his wet coat on the floor. She tells him to hang it up where it belongs. She isn't looking for extra work. As he drags his coat, he thinks 'like I am'."
"I'm gonna pound you at recess, Twinky. Oh yeah? Well, you'll have to catch me first! When your strategy is to run like a squirrel, it's hard to come up with a good taunt. Moe threatens to pound Calvin at recess. Calvin says Moe will have to catch him first. Calvin's angry. He says when your strategy is to run like a squirrel, it's hard to come up with a good taunt."
"Today for Show and Tell, I've brought a tiny marvel of nature: a single snowflake. I think we might all learn a lesson from how this utterly unique and exquisite crystal... turns into an ordinary, boring molecule of water, just like every other one, when you bring it in the classroom. And now, while the analogy sinks in, I'll be leaving you drips and going outside. CALVIN! Calvin brought a single snowflake for show and tell. He says they can all learn a lesson from how the unique crystal turns into a boring molecule of water, just like every one of the class, when you bring it into the classroom. He walks off saying that while the analogy sinks in, he'll be leaving."
"Look at this sandwich my Mom made! I'm not eating this wretched thing! Why, this squid isn't even fresh! Smell it! Look how rubbery it is! And the inky brine has soaked the bread! The pickles are pulp! Gross! Wanna trade! Nobody will trade with a kid whose Mom makes a bad sandwich. Calvin complains to Susie about the sandwich Mom made for him. He says it's squid. He tells Susie to smell it. He says it's rubbery and the inky brine soaked the bread. He asks Susie if she wants to trade. Susie leaves. Calvin says nobody will trade with a kid whose Mom makes a bad sandwich."
"You know what astronauts can do right in their spacesuits? Geez, how am I ever going to learn to be an astronaut? Mom bundles Calvin for the cold. Calvin asks Mom if she knows what astronauts can do right in their spacesuits. As Calvin walks into the bathroom, he asks how he's ever going to learn to be an astronaut."
"Stranded on a distant planet, the fearless Spaceman Spiff has been captured by a horrible Yukbarf! So the earthling villain won't cooperate, eh? We'll see about that! Take him to the dungeon! Yes, your most supreme odoriferousness! You don't scare ME, you talking blobs of oozing slop! I am impervious to pain! Hey, what kind of dungeon is this?! Aren't you going to torture me? Oh yes! Have a seat and let's see how you withstand a calm discussion of wholesome principles! AAAUGH. Yes. life is tough and suffering builds character. Nothing worth having ever comes easy. Virtue is its own reward and when I was your age... Bugs are stirring something. They says it's bubbling up. They run, as the mixture is going to blow. Calvin belches at the dinner table. Dad tells him that's enough. Calvin says he can't help it. His stomach microbes can't handle the awful food."
"Oh lovely snowball, packed with care, smack a head that's unaware! Then with freezing ice to spare, melt and soak through underwear! Fly straight and true, hit hard and square! This, oh snowball, is my prayer. I only throw consecrated snowballs."