Look at this great snowball! I'd sure like to paste someone upside the head with it. ... but I figure each snowball I throw means I'll get one less present from Santa. I wish I knew if Santa was bringing me any underwear. Calvin has a snowball. He wants to paste someone with it. He figures each snowball he throws will cost him one present from Santa. He looks at the snowball and says he wishes he knew if Santa was bringing him any underwear.
"Ski resorts use man-made snow. They have snow-making machines that can cover a whole hillsie. Hint hint. You can rely on the weather like every other kid. Calvin tells Dad ski resorts use man-made snow. They have machines that can cover a hillside. Dad sits there. Calvin tells him 'hint, hint'. Dad says Calvin can rely on the weather like every other kid."
"You got something in the mail. It looks like a Valentine card. Huh? Open it up! It IS a valentine! Who would send me a valentine? Read it! Read it! 'Roses are rd, violets are blue, tu-lips are what we'll be kissing, woo woo! Love, Susie.' AAAUGGHH! Ho HO! Muchas smooches for el conKISStador! This can't be happening! It's all a nightmare! Some horrible hallucination! Susie loves Calvin! Calvin loves Susie! I've got to pull myself together! What can I DO? My natural studliness has overwhelmed Susie's fragile grip on reality! Big, sloppy smackers! Smmmrppp! Hey, there's Susie now! She's coming this way! Oh NO! Quick! A slushball! I need a slushball! Hi Cal... OOMP!! THAT'S what I think of your mushy Valentine card! POW! I didn't send you a Valentine card, you smelly, snot-nosed troll! Why on earth would I send a valentine to YOU?? You didn't? But... but... I'm telling! ... then who...?? Matchmaker, matchmaker, make me a match... YOU!! You write that card! You tricked me!! Wheeeeee! Love makes the world go round! You're gonna see STARS go round, I promise! Spaceman Spiff pilots his craft at high speeds. Spiff discovers galaxies and planets not charted. He lands on worlds not explored, confronting species never encountered. He's a cosmic pioneer, boldly facing the unknown. Mom gives Calvin a plate of food. He cringes, saying he's never had it before and won't eat it."
"Oh look, yet another Christmas TV special! How touching to have the meaning of Christmas brought to us by cola, fast food and beer conglomerates. Who'd have ever guessed product consumption, popular entertainment, and spirituality would mix so harmoniously. It's a beautiful world, all right. Dad doesn't handle the season's stress very gracefully. Dad sees Calvin watching another Christmas TV special. Dad says it's touching to have the meaning of Christmas brought by food, cola, and beer conglomerates. He walks away wondering who would have guessed product consumption, popular entertainment, and spirituality would mix so harmoniously. Calvin says Dad doesn't handle the stress of the season very gracefully."
Christmas. Calvin hopes he can trust Dad to do what's right for the country. Dad says he has to stop leaving the Wall Street Journal around. " Dad, I'd like to have a little talk. Um, OK... As the wage earner here, it's your responsibiliy to show some consumer confidence and start buying things that will get the economy going and create profits and employment. Here's a list of big-ticket items I'd like for Christmas. I hope I can trust you to do what's right for our country. I've got to stop leaving the Wall Street Journal around." Calvin would like to have a talk with Dad. He tells Dad it's his responsibility to show consumer confidence and by things to get the economy going. Calvin gives Dad a list of big-ticket items he'd like for
"RRRRGGHHH. I say, if a novelty Christmas song is funny the first time, it's funny EVERY time. Mom is angry. She kicks Calvin outside. Calvin says that if a novelty Christmas song is funny the first time, it's funny every time."
"I'm having a lot of holiday stress. Why? You don't shop for anyone, you've got two weeks off from school, and your parents do all the cooking, cleaning and decorating! How could you have holiday stress? Deep down, I doubt my greed for presents can overcome my desire to misbehave. Calvin tells Hobbes he's having a lot of holiday stress. Hobbes asks why. He says Calvin doesn't shop for anyone, has two weeks off from school, and his parents do all the cooking and cleaning. Calvin says he doubts his greed for presents can overcome his desire to misbehave."
"OK Hobbes, I've got a plan. Yeah? If I do ten spontaneous acts of good will a day from now until Christmas, Santa will have to be lenient in judging the rest of this last year! I can claim I've turned a new leaf! Ten spontaneous acts of good will a day? That's pretty many. Don't remind me. Well, here's your chance. Susie's coming this way. Maybe I'll start tomorrow and do 20 a day. Calvin has a plan. He'll do ten spontaneous acts of good will a day between now and Christmas. Santa will have to be lenient in judging the rest of this last year. Hobbes thinks ten is a lot. He says here comes Calvin's chance. Susie is coming. Calvin starts to make a snowball, saying maybe he'll start tomorrow and do twenty a day."
"Oh man, Susie's right in range! It's a clear shot! I can't miss! I thought you were going to do ten spontaneous acts of good will a day. It's not even noon. I'll do 'em after lunch. Look, doing ten good acts isn't going to impress Santa if you do BAD things all morning! Suppose I just graze her jaw and knock some fillings loose. That would be in the gray area, don't you think? Don't expect to play with all MY presents when you don't get any. Hiding behind a snowman, Calvin has a clear shot at Susie. Hobbes says he thought Calvin was going to do ten acts of good will a day. Calvin says he'll do them after lunch. Hobbes tells him doing good deeds isn't going to impress Santa if he does bad things all morning. Calvin wonders if grazing her jaw would be in a gray area. Hobbes tells Calvin not to expect to play with his toys when Calvin doesn't get any."
"My hands were all shaky, my face had gone pale. A letter from Santa just arrived in the mail! It was hand-written in old-fashioned ink pen. It was handsomely printed and dated twelve ten. 'Dear Calvin,' it said, 'I'm writing because this year I've repealed my 'naught / nice' laws. So now, I urge you: be vulgar and crude! I LIKE it when children are boorish and rude! Burp at the table! Gargle your peas! Never say 'Thank you', 'You're welcome', or 'Please'. Talk back to your mother. Do as you're told. Stick your tongue out at your Dad if he scolds! Drive everyone crazy, I really don't care! Act like a jerk, anytime, anywhere! I'm changing the rules! The BAD girld and boys will be, from now on, the ones who get the toys! Good little kids make me sick, it's no joke. Sincerely, signed Santa.' ... and then I awoke. I hate being good (or trying to fake it). Six days until Christmas! I don't think I'll make it. Calvin wishes Santa would publish his guidelines for goodness. Calvin says if a nerd likes being good, it's easy for him to meet the standards. He says the true test of one's mettle is being good when one has an inclination toward evil. He thinks one good act by him is worth five good acts by a good-natured kid and asks if Hobbes agrees. He hits Susie with a snowball. As Calvin and Hobbes run off, Hobbes says in Calvin's case, the question is academic."
"SMACK YES! I'M SORRY! Not as sorry as you're GOING to be! I think as long as you SUFFER for your sins, they don't count. It's your only hope. Calvin throws the snowball and hits Susie. Calvin thinks of Santa and says he's sorry to Susie. She chases him. Lying buried in snow, Calvin says if you suffer for your sins, they don't count. Hobbes thinks that's his only hope."
"Here! It's a comic book! It's MY comic book. But you can read it. Just make sure your hands are clean and acid-free, and only touch the mylar bag, and use these sterilized tongs to turn the pages, and try not to exhale too much moisture, OK?! Don't mess it up! THERE! That's one spontaneous act of good will! I hope you're" "satisfied. Santa! Darn you!! I think spontaneous acts of good will should be less reluctant. RELUCTANT ONES QUALIFY!! Calvin hands Hobbes a comic book. He says he can read it. Calvin tells him to be sure his hands are clean, and that he use sterilized tongs to turn the pages. Calvin proclaims one act of good will. Hobbes thinks spontaneous acts of good will should be less reluctant."
"Mush hullp smack ullkk... Mom, I'm guessing this is boiled guano on raw maggots, but I'm (orrg) choling it down as best as my cramping stomach allows. This is another spontaneous act of good will, Santa! You'd better come through in SPADES for this!! More maggots? SURE! PILE 'EM ON! Calvin eats his food, saying he guesses this is boiled guano on raw maggots. He declares another spontaneous act of good will. He says Santa better come through in spades for this. Mom asks if Calvin wants more maggots. He says to pile them on."
"One more day of being good! This has been the longest week of my entire life. HEY! I'll bet Santa's loading up the sleigh right now! He's got millions of deliveries, right? He couldn't possible still be deciding how good I am! If his decision is made, I don't have to impress him any more! I'm free! The charade is over! I can do what I want! Maybe he's loading your stuff last, just to see what you do. You think? Well, maybe. Geez, he's a tough ol' geezer! Well, what's one more day? ...sigh... Calvin needs one more day of being good. He bets Santa's loading up the sleigh for deliveries. He couldn't be deciding how good Calvin is. Calvin figures if the decision is made, he doesn't have to impress him anymore. He's free to do what he wants. Hobbes asks what happens if he loads Calvin's stuff last to see what he does. Calvin figures one more day won't hurt."
"It's a certificate entitling the bearer to one day pounce-free of tiger attacks! Wow! Thanks, ol' buddy! You always think of the best gifts! I still think this could've waited until sunrise. Shh, take a picture. On Christmas morning, Calvin sees a certificate for one day pounce-free of tiger attacks. He tells Hobbes he thinks of the best gifts. Sitting on the sofa in their robes, looking tired, Dad says this could have waited until sunrise. Mom tells him to take a picture."
"The snow isn't deep enough for sledding. And it's not wet enough to pack, either. Sighhhh. Fortunately, I'm the stoic type. You're an inspiration to us all. Calvin notices the snow isn't deep enough for sledding, not wet enough to pack. He sighs. He says fortunately, he's the stoic type. Hobbes says he's an inspiration to us all."
"Are you making any resolutions for the new year? Nope! I want everything to stay the same as it was this year. Everything? Right. This year was lousy, but at least it's familiar. I hate change! It's too disruptive! When things are difference, you have to think about the change and deal with it! I like things to stay the same, so I can take everything for granted! Besides, things keep changing for the WORSE! The longer I live, the more complicated everything gets! I say let's stop here before life gets any harder! From now on, no more change! I'm bored. Let's do something different. SOME things don't change. Riding down the hill on the sled, Calvin says everyone makes the wrong kind of New Year's resolution. He says it's not enough to change a few bad habits. Everyone he knows needs a personality overhaul. He'll spend the remaining days of the year telling people what he hates about them and how they should change. Hobbes says some of us would be happy to reciprocate. Calvin says his resolution is not to change one bit."
"You know, it's amazing how many things can be taken apart with just one ordinary screwdriver! Such as? Well, just for starters, there's... that is, hypothetically, I mean... not that I'd know for a fact, of course... just in theory, I imagine that maybe... um, well, gosh, it's hard to say. I've GOT to stop introducing topics of conversation. Calvin tells Dad it's amazing how many things you can take apart with a screwdriver. Dad asks what kind of things. Calvin starts to talk, but says it's hypothetical. He doesn't know for a fact. It's hard to say. He walks off wiping his brow. He says he's got to stop introducing topics of conversation."
"You know what the problem is with the universe? Um... There's no toll-free customer service hot line for complaints! That's why things don't get fixed! If the universe had any decent management, we'd get a full"
"Do you need nails pounded into anything? Name the surface, and I'll fill it full of nails! Um, no... You sure? I've got the tools right here! Lots of nail sizes! I'd be happy to do it! No thanks, not today. OK, well, let me know when you cange your mind. Mm-hmm. Mom wanted a girl. I just know it. Did she want anything sawed? Calvin asks if Mom has anything she needs nails pounded into. Calvin says he has the tools and lots of nail sizes. She tells him no. He walks off asking her to let him know if she changes her mind. Calvin tells Hobbes that Mom wanted a girl. He just knows it."
"People always seem so crabby and animals always seem so content. I wonder why that is. It's probably because animals know they're superior and people know they're inferior. I figured it was because animals get 15 hours of sleep every day. Actually, I think animals are just as crabby as people are."
"Wow, look at the snow coming down! The roads are a mess! I hope Dad makes it home OK. Face it, Dad. The season's over. Are you kidding? In this stuff, I reach my optimal heart rate in no time! Calvin looks out the window at the snow outside. He hopes Dad makes it home alright. Dad comes home from his bicycle ride. He's got a coat, scarf, and gloves on. Calvin tells him the season's over. Dad says with his outfit, he hits his optimal heart rate in no time."
"I've decided to stop caring about things. If you care, you just get disappointed all the time. If you DON'T care, nothing matters, so you're never upset. From now on, my rallying cry is, 'SO WHAT?!' That's a tough cry to rally around. So what?! Calvin decides to stop caring about things. He says if you care, you get disappointed. If you don't care, nothing matters. He tells Hobbes his rallying cry is 'so what'. Hobbes says that's a tough cry to rally around."
"YA-A! WHOK. UHN-GG. There were two ways to resolve our differences. I ruled out a thoughtful discussion. Foolish Amazon! I am only toying with you! YEAH?? Well, toy with THIS!! The hyper-phase distortion blaster? I could feel my spine shatter. It hurt... BUDDOW. ...a lot. Next ISH --- 'Injuries to go' ...hehh hah hooh... hahh heh hmh Click. No you don't. There's too much violence on TV. Why don't you go read something? Calvin shows Hobbes a snowman representing the spirit of the new year. The snowman has stick arms making it look like the snowman is looking to the distance. Calvin says it strides forward with confidence, calling forth the best qualities of human drive. Hobbes says that's very inspiring. They look over to other snowmen, built so they're laughing and pointing at the other snowman. Hobbes asks if those snowmen are the real world. Calvin tells him that's why they're glad when the old year is over."
"I'm not getting up until it's as warm out there as it is in here. As snow falls outside, Mom tries to wake Calvin up. From beneath the covers, he tells Mom he's not getting up until it's as warm outside as it is inside."
"I don't want to go to school. I don't want to know anything new. I already know more than I want to! I liked things better when I didn't understand them! The fact is, I'm being educated against my will! My rights are being trampled! Is it a right to remain ignorant? I don't know, but I refuse to find out! Waiting for the school bus, Calvin tells Hobbes he doesn't want to go to school. He knows more than he wants to. Things were better when he didn't understand them. He's being educated against his will. He says his rights are being trampled. Hobbes asks if it's a right to remain ignorant. Calvin doesn't know, but he refuses to find out."
"It would sure be a big surprise if the school bus spontaneously exploded and I didn't have to go to school! Yeah, I'd sure be surprised if THAT happened! Life is full of surprises, but never when you need one. Waiting for the school bus, Calvin says it would be a surprise if the bus exploded and he didn't have to go to school. He says he'd really be surprised if that happens. On the school bus, Calvin says life is full of surprises, but"
"I'M HO-OME! Hello?? Thanks for the big welcome! You're letting in cold air. Calvin opens the door and says he's home. He ducks. No Hobbes. Calvin says hello, but nothing happens. He lifts the covers on his bed, and Hobbes tells him he's letting in cold air."
"Problems often look overwhelming at first. The secret is to break problems into small, manageable chunks. If you deal with THOSE, you're done before you know it. For example, I'm supposed to read this entire history chapter. It looks impossible, so I break the problem down. You focus on reading the first section? I ask myself, 'Do I even care?' Calvin says problems look overwhelming at first. The secret is to break them into small chunks. He tells Hobbes he's supposed to read the entire history chapter in his school book. It looks impossible, so he breaks the problem down. Hobbes asks if he focuses on reading the first section. Calvin says he asks himself if he even cares."
"Watcha doin'? I'm killing time while I wait for life to shower me with meaning and happiness. I hope you're comfy. You could get me something to eat. Sitting in the chair, watching TV, Calvin tells Hobbes he's killing time to wait for life to shower him with meaning and happiness. Hobbes hopes he's comfy."