"I can't sleep. Who's been sending me these insults? Where will it stop?! Am I going to get an insult in the mail every day for the rest of my life?? The thing that drives me crazy is that there's no way to trace this lunatic! He's thought of everything! He's a mastermind! Hey, who cut up this magazine? Calvin can't sleep. He wonders who's sending the insults and where it will stop. He's being driven crazy since there's no way to trace the lunatic. Calvin says this person has thought of everything. Mom looks at her cut up magazine and wonders who did it."
"Did I get another letter today? Yep! When you write to yourself, you get a lot of mail. I don't write these! What are you talking about? Oh c'mon, Calvin. I know you've been putting these out for the mailman every day. Wait a minute! These are coming from OUR house?? Oh, and I want you to ASK before you cut up my magazines, OK? ALL RIGHT, WHERE'S THAT MISERABLE BUNCH OF STRIPEY ORANGE FLEA BAIT?!? Calvin asks if he got another letter. Mom says when you write to yourself, you get a lot of mail. Calvin doesn't know what she's talking about. Mom says she knows he's been putting out the notes for the mailman every day. Calvin asks if she means the notes are coming from their house. Mom tells Calvin to ask before he cuts up her magazines. Hobbes sits with scissors and magazine in hand. From the other room, Calvin asks where the miserable bunch of stripey orange flea bait is."
"So it was YOU the whole time! YOU'RE the one who's been sending me insults in the mail!! I'll get you for this! You and your sneaky codes and pasted letters and skull drawings! ... although, really, the skull drawings were pretty cool. You can tell a good spy by his ominous logo. Calvin chases Hobbes. He says Hobbes has been sending the insults. He chases Hobbes around a tree. He stops. He admits the skull drawings were pretty cool. Hobbes says you can tell a good spy by his ominous logo."
"You and I are through! I'll teach you to trick me, you big hairball! You just have no sense of humor! I do too! It's just that was a terrible, nasty, awful thing to do, and I'll never forgiv... huh? Heyyyy, you're right! It IS funny! Ha ha ha! ... OK! We're pals again! SUSIE: you smell! Ha ha!"
"AAAAUGHH! Is the water too cold? Um... no, it's fine. Then stop that infernal screaming. Yes, Mom. Calvin complains about the November they're having. Leaves are down, but there's no snow. He yells for the snow to start. Nothing happens. As they walk off, Calvin says it's a lousy way to run a universe. Hobbes wonders whatever happened to the work ethic."
"... meeting smile after sa-mi-i-ile, in the air there's a fee-heeling of christmassss. NOT THINKING ABOUT IT WON'T MAKE IT GO AWAY, YOU KNOW! Calvin marches along singing a Christmas song. Mom kicks him outside. Calvin yells back that not thinking about it won't make it go away."
"Look, Hobbes, I got a paint by numbers kit! It's really fun. But you're not painting in the lines and not using the colors that correspond to the numbers. If I did THAT, I'd get the picture they show on the box! Ah. Calvin has a paint-by-numbers kit. Hobbes points out that Calvin isn't painting in the lines and isn't using the colors that correspond to the numbers. Calvin looks at the kit. He says if he did that, he'd get the picture they show on the box."
"Well, your haircut is a big improvement. You LIKE what it says on the back of my head? What WHAT says? Didn't the barber shave 'I may have a bad haricut, but you're downright ugly' back there? Good heavens, no! OK, CHARLIE, GIMME BACK THAT TIP! Mom says Calvin's haircut is a big improvement. Calvin asks if she likes what is says on the back of his head. Mom asks what he means. Calvin asks if the barber didn't shave 'I may have a bad haircut, buy you're downright ugly' onto his head. Mom says no. Calvin angrily asks the barber for his tip back."
"These fall mornings sure are pretty. The brisk air, the smell of leaves... all ruined because I have to get on a bus and go to school. When I was a pre-schooler, I never took advantage of fall mornings. I didn't appreciate them. Another squandered youth. Sighhh... I was so young and foolish. I thought those days would last forever. Calvin says the fall mornings are pretty. They're ruined because he has to get on the school bus. Calvin says he didn't appreciate the fall mornings when he was a preschooler. Hobbes proclaims another squandered youth. Calvin says he was so young and foolish. He thought those days would last forever."
"Hello? ... No, my Mom can't come to the phone right now. Sure, I'll be glad to take a message. You write it down, drive it over here, pay me five bucks, and I'll give it to her the next time I see her. He must not have wanted to talk to Mom very bad. Calvin answers the phone. He says Mom can't come to the phone. He says he'll take a message. Calvin says the caller can write it down, drive it over to him, give him five bucks, and Calvin will pass it to Mom. As he walks off, Calvin says the person must not have wanted to talk to Mom very badly."
"I'm growing my fingernails long. Then I'll file them into points, so I'll have claws just like you. Mine are retractable. No retractable claws, no opposable toes, no prehensile tail, no compound eyes, no fangs, no wings... SIGHHH... Calvin tells Hobbes he's growing his fingernails. He'll file them, so he'll have claws like Hobbes. Hobbes says his are retractable. Calvin trudges off complaining about no retractable claws, no opposable toes, no prehensile tail, no fangs. He sighs."
"How unoriginal! How hehune! Stupid kid. If you don't have anything to say, just keep quiet! Well, this is certainly shocking! Face it, kid, provoking a reaction isn't the same thing as saying something significant! Look, pal, there's no point expressing ideas if you can't make them understood! You're just babbling to yourself! And aren't we all bored with the irony byy now?You just THINK you're above it all, kid! I tell you Hobbes, it's tough being the sole guardian of high culture. Talent like ours carries such enormous responsibility. Calvin's home and opens his door. He sees Hobbes coming at him. He turns to run. Hobbes pounces on him. He flies into the air. He falls to the ground. He asks Hobbes if he's noticed how time slows down during a catastrophe. Hobbes sighs that good times are always over so fast."
"Can I learn to parachute out of an airplane? Why don't you just play 'chicken' on the railroad tracks? It would be a cheaper way to toy with death, I'm sure. Mom's so practical. Calvin asks Mom if he can parachute out of a plane. Mom wonders why he doesn't play 'chicken' on the railroad tracks. It would be a cheaper way to toy with death. Calvin says Mom's so practical."
"This connect-the-dots book really makes me mad! Look at this. It's a duck. I know! Who wants to draw a duck?! I sure didn't! They MADE me! I've been maninpualted! My natural artistic talent has been used against my will to create some coprorate entity's crude idea of waterfowl! It's outrageous! Another blow to creative integrity. From now on, I'll connect the dots my OWN way. Calvin is angry with his connect-the-dots book. Calvin complains he didn't want to draw the duck, the book made him. He feels manipulated. His talent has been used against his will. Hobbes laments another blow to creative integrity. Calvin says from now on, he'll connect the dots his own way."
"Miss Wormwood, my Dad says when he was in school, they taught him to do math on a slide rule. He says he hasn't used a slide rule since, because he got a five-buck calculator that can do more functions than he could figure out if his life depended on it. Given the pace of technology, I propose we leave math to the machines and go play outside. My bills always die in the subcommittee. Calvin asks Miss Wormwood about a slide rule. He says Dad told him he used one, but then got a five dollar calculator that can do more functions then he could figure out. Calvin suggests that given the pace of technology, they should leave math to the machines and go play outside. Later, at his desk, Calvin complains his bills always die in subcommittee."
"How do bank machines work, Dad? Well, let's say you wwant 25 dollars. You punch in the amount... and behind the machine, there's a guy with a printing press who makes the money and sticks it out this slot. Sort of like the huy who lives up in our garage and opens the door? Exactly. Calvin asks Dad how bank machines work. Dad says you punch in the amount you want, and there's a guy with a printing press who makes the money and sticks it out the slot. Calvin asks if it's like the guy who lives in their garage and opens the door. Dad tells Calvin it's exactly like that."
"Miss Wormwood? Yes, Calvin? You can present the material, but you can't make me care. Rumor has it she's up to two packs a day, unfiltered. Calvin tells Miss Wormwood she can present the material, but she can't make him care. Later, on the swing, Calvin happily says rumor has Miss Wormwood up to two packs a day, unfiltered."
"I've noticed that comic book superheroes usually fight evil maniacs with grandiose plans to destroy the world. Why don't superheroes go after the more subtle, realistic bad guys? Yeah, the superhero coiuld attend council meetings and write letters to the editor, and stuff. Hmm... I think I see the problem. 'Quick! To the bat fax!' Calvin notices comic superheroes fight maniacs with plans to destroy the world. He wonders why they don't go after more realistic bad guys. Hobbes says the superhero could attend council meetings and write letters to the editor. Calvin sees the problem."
"UHNGGG. It's the late jurassic. Calvin, the awful allosaur, darts around a giant, unsuspecting diplodocus! Calvin crouches in his hiding place, muscles tensed for the surprise attach! He waits... he waits! AAAAAAAA Sheesh, what's wrong with taking a little break?! Susie is playing and turns at a sound. It's a pack of deinonychus dinosaurs. Susie runs toward the school doors, but the pack closes in. The predators have a meal. Other students look on in horror, wondering who's next. The weak and stupid are weeded out in a natural selection. That's how it ought to be. Miss Wormwood thanks Calvin for a tasteless and uninformative report on overpopulation."
"UHNGGG. It's the late jurassic. Calvin, the awful allosaur, darts around a giant, unsuspecting diplodocus! Calvin crouches in his hiding place, muscles tensed for the surprise attach! He waits... he waits! AAAAAAAA Sheesh, what's wrong with taking a little break?!"
"For 'Show and Tell' today, I don't have anything to show. But I'll TELL you that, when I'm at school, my Mom puts on a patriotic leotard, a cape, and knee-high, high-heeled boots, and she fights crime as a superheroine. I hope you're duly impressed. Thank you very much. That's the note his teacher sent home with him. Wow, show me that outfit sometime. Calvin has nothing for 'show and tell'. Calvin tells the class that when he's in school, Mom puts on a leotard, cape, and high-heeled boots to fight crime as a super heroine. Calvin bows and hopes the class in duly impressed. Mom shows Dad the note the teacher sent home with him. Dad wants her to show him that outfit sometime."
"Do you hate being a girl? It's gotta be better than the alternative. What's it like? Is it like being a bug? Like a WHAT?! I imagine bugs and girls have a dim perception that nature played a cruel trick on them, but they lack the intelligence to really comprehend the magnitude of it. I must've put my finger on it. Calvin asks Susie if she hates being a girl. Susie says it's better than the alternative. Calvin asks if it's like being a bug. Calvin thinks bugs and girls have a perception that nature played a trick on them, but they lack the intelligence to comprehend it. Lying upside down against his locker, Calvin thinks he must have put his finger on it."
"I'm home! I'm free! The rest of the day is all mine! Finally, some time to myself! Liberty, precious liberty! Ha ha ha! Calvin rushes home from the school bus. He's got time to himself. He plans to enjoy his liberty. He sits and watches television."
"Dad, are you vicariously living through me in the hope that my accomplishments will validate your mediocre life and in some way compensate for all the opportunities you botched? If I were, you can bet I'd be reevaluating my strategy. Mom, Dad keeps insulting me. Calvin asks if Dad is living through him in the hope Calvin's accomplishments validate his mediocre life and compensate for all his botched opportunities. Dad says if he was, he'd re-evaluate his strategy. Calvin tells Mom that Dad keeps insulting him."
"I like rocks. Here's a nice one. See how smoothit is? It probably took eons to get like that. It's a sedimentary rock, formed by sediment deposits, as opposed to, say, an igneous rock, which is volcanic in origin. You sure know a lot about rocks. You bet. Ballistic missiles from God, I call 'em. Calvin picks up a rock and shows Hobbes. He explains it took eons to get smooth like that. He explains it's a sedimentary rock, as opposed to igneous. He explains the difference to Hobbes. Hobbes tells Calvin he knows a lot about rocks. Calvin calls them ballistic missiles from God."
"I'm going to paste Susie with a slushball! Heh heh heh! Some philosophers say that TRUE happiness comes from a life of virtue! Someday I'll write my OWN philosophy book. Virtue needs some cheaper thrills. Calvin is pulled into a flying saucer. The aliens replace Calvin with a robot. The robot steals cookies, breaks a lamp, and throws away schoolbooks, all in front of Mom. Calvin tries to explain it to Mom, but she takes him to bed. Calvin looks at the stars."
"Wake up, get up... Shut up, listen up... Throw up... Mix up, goof up... Hurry up... How's your day? Looking up. Calvin gets out of bed and says he wakes up. At school, he says he shuts up and listens up. At lunch, he says he throws up. At the blackboard, he says he mixes up and goofs up. Near the end of the day, he wishes it would hurry up. As he runs into the house, Mom asks how his day was. He says it's looking up."
"Dear Santa, This year, I don't want any gifts. I just want love and peace for my fellow man. Reverse psychology. Kind of risky, don't you think? Calvin writes to Santa saying he only wants love and peace for his fellow man. He doesn't want any gifts. He tells Hobbes it's reverse psychology. Hobbes asks if Calvin doesn't think it's risky. Calvin crumples the note and tosses it."
"Dear Santa, Why is your operation in the North Pole? I'm guessing cheap elf labor, lower environmental standards, and tax breaks. Is this really the example you want to set for us impressionable kids? My plan is to put him on the defensive before he considers how good I've been. Calvin writes to Santa, asking why his operation is at the North Pole. He wonders if it's cheap elf labor, lower environmental standards, and tax breaks. He wonders if that's the example Santa wants to set. Calvin tells Hobbes he's trying to put Santa on the defensive before he considers how good Calvin has been."
"Dear Santa, Last year I asked for a long-range thermo-nuclear 'Smart' missile and a launcher. Instead, I got socks and a shirt. Obviously, you mixed up my order with someone else's. Let's get with the program, huh? Just because he gives the stuff away free, he thinks he can get away with an incompetent organization. Calvin writes that he wanted a missile and launcher last year, but he got socks and a shirt. He says Santa mixed up his order with someone else's. He asks Santa to get with the program. Calvin says that just because he gives stuff away free, Santa shouldn't get away with an incompetent organization."