"I bet you're all thinking, 'Wow, how did these clothes walk to the front of the class all by themselves?' And NOW look! Here's a piece of chalk floating around! Pretty weird, huh? Yes, for Show and Tell today, I, Calvin, have turned myself invisible! Ha ha! Now I'll take off these clothes and the next sound you hear will be my feet heading for the door! Adios, amigos! Lucky guess, Miss Wormwood! Woooooh, these pants are hovering over the class! Ooooh! Calvin walks to the front of class saying the class wonders how the clothes walked on their own. He picks up a piece of chalk and says it's floating around. Calvin has made himself invisible. His shirt comes off. He says he'll take off his clothes and head for the door. Miss Wormwood picks Calvin up. He says the pants are hovering over the class."
"I'm not going to do my math homework. Look at these unsolved problems. Here's a number in mortal combat with another. One of them is going to get subtracted. But why? How? What will be left of him? If I answered these, it would kill the suspense. It would resolve the conflict and turn intruiging possibilities into boring ol' facts. I never really thought about the literary qualities of math. I prefer to savor the myster. Calvin says he isn't going to do his math homework. He says numbers are in mortal combat with each other. One will get subtracted. Why? How? If he answered those questions, it would kill the suspense. It would resolve the conflict and turn possibilities into boring facts. Hobbes says he never thought about the literary qualities of math. Calvin closes the book, saying he prefers to savor the mystery."
"Miss Wormwood? Yes, Calvin? If ignorance is bliss, this lesson would appear to be a deliberate attempt to deprive me of happiness, the pursuit of which is my unalienable right according to the declaration of"
"I'm gonna pound you at recess, Twinky. Oh yeah? I'D LIKE TO SEE YOU TRY IT! My brain wishes my ego had call-waiting. Moe threatens to pound Calvin in gym class. As Moe walks away, Calvin yells he'd like to see him try it. He covers his mouth. He says his brain wishes his ego had call-waiting."
"Hello, county library? Yes, do you have any books on why girls are so weird? That's what I said. Or you might also try looking under 'obnoxious'. Are you serious?! You mean there's no research on this at all?? I'll bet the library just doesn't want anyone to know. Calvin calls the library asking for books on why girls are so weird. He suggests they look under 'obnoxious'. He asks if they're serious. He asks if they mean there's no research on that at all. He says he bets the library just doesn't want anyone to know."
"MOM? MOM? I'm taking a bath, Calvin. Oh, OK, never mind. It was nothing. SPLISH SPLASH SPLOOSH. It's ALWAYS something. So I've noticed. Calvin calls for Mom. She's taking a bath. Calvin tells her not to mind, it's nothing. Mom comes out, wrapped in a towel, dripping. She says it's always something. Calvin has a saw in his hands."
"Look at that kid's snowman! What a pathetic cliche! Am I supposed to identify with this complacent moron and his shovel?? This snowman says nothing about the human condition! Is this all the kid has to say about contemporary suburban life?! The soulless banality of this snowman is a sad comment on today's art world. Now come look at MY snowman. I call it, 'The Torment of Existence Weighted Against the Horror of Nonbeing'. As he melts, this sculpture will become even more poignant. I admire your willingness to put artistic integrity before marketability. Mom checks the thermometer. Calvin has a fever. He says his throat's scratchy. She tells Calvin to rest on the sofa, and she'll bring him some soup. Hobbes hungrily peeks over the back of the sofa. He asks Calvin if he isn't feeling well. Calvin is horrified. He yells that he's fine and is the picture of health. As Hobbes leaves, Calvin says he knows what he's thinking. He says if Hobbes tries to carry him off to dispatch, he'll be in for a big surprise. Mom brings the soup and notices he's sweaty. Calvin says other people's best friends don't wait for them to get sick and weak."
"BARK BARK BARK WOOF WOOF Oh no, not AGAIN! Once this starts, every dog in the neighborhood starts yapping! GET IN HERE! Mom and Dad wake up from sleeping. They hear barking. Dad puts his coat on. He says when this starts, every dog in the neighborhood starts yapping. He opens the door to see Calvin barking."
"I wish it was winter. Well, it won't be for a while yet. Then I wish it was spring or summer. You don't like autumn? Oh, autumn is fine. It's the present I don't like. Calvin wishes it was winter. Dad says it won't be for a while yet. Calvin then wishes it was spring or summer. Dad asks if he doesn't like autumn. Calvin says autumn is fine, it's the present he doesn't like."
"It's a high price to pay, but nuzzling tiger tummies is one of the great pleasures of life. Hobbes is sleeping on the floor. Calvin runs up and blows on Hobbes' belly. Calvin, walking away with scratches all over, says that while it's a high price to pay, nuzzling tiger tummies is one of the great pleasures of life."
"I said to go out LONG! Keep going! This is as far as you can throw the ball. THAT'S NOT TRUE! OK, I'll step closer. It'll be the last think you ever do, you flea feast? Oh yeah? Let's see if you fight as badly as you throw! I guess this is another incomplete. It's a good thing we don't have to fight some OTHER team! Calvin is going to throw the football to Hobbes. Calvin tells him to go deep, but Hobbes says this is as far as Calvin can throw. Calvin denies that, so Hobbes offers to get closer. They threaten each other. After they've fought, Calvin guesses this is an incomplete. Hobbes thinks it's good they don't have to fight some other team."
"Where's the ball? I don't see it. You look over there and I'll look over here. It doesn't matter if you win or lose. It's HOW you play the game! Hobbes looks for the football. They can't find it. Calvin suggests Hobbes look over there. Calvin takes off running with the football under his shirt. He says it doesn't matter if you win or lose, it's how you play the game."
"That's two outs! I should've stayed at second base. You've still got a snowman at third. I love a good game of speed sled base snow ball! Hobbes looks for Calvin, who hides with the football behind a bush. They cross the stream. Calvin hides in the mailbox. Calvin hides in the sandbox. Running around a tree, Calvin says every sport should be played crosscountry."
"I love recess! Two minutes ago, I was eating devilled ham, chocolate milk, grapes and ice cream. And now, I'm running around on a playground full of nausea-inducing disorienting motion devices. It's the one time at school I get some solitude. Calvin is on the school playground. He says he just ate deviled ham, chocolate milk, grapes, and ice cream. He goes down the slide. He gets on the swing and says he's on a playground full of nausea-inducing motion devices. He hangs from some bars and says this is the one time at school he gets some solitude."
"Hey Susie, pick a number in the fortune teller. Um... three. One, two, three! Now pick a letter. 'B'. We lift up flap 'B' and it says, 'You're a mouth-breakthing bag of boogers!' AH HA HA HA HA HA! Life doesn't get much better than this. Calvin has a paper fortune teller. He tells Susie to pick a number. He moves the paper device. Then she picks a letter. Calvin opens the flap to reveal Susie is a mouth-breathing bag of boogers. Calvin laughs. Calvin, lying on the ground beaten up, says life doesn't get much better than this."
"RRINNGGG. Didn't you hear the bell? Recess is over. It's time to go in. I'm not done yet. It takes me more than one recess to wear myself into a state of submission. On the school swing, Calvin hears the bell ring. He keeps swinging. Susie walks by telling him it's time to go in. Calvin says it takes more than one recess to wear himself into a state of submission."
"Susie, do you want to trade Captain Napalm bubble gum cards? After chewing almost $20 worth of gum, I've collected all the cards except numbers 8 and 34. I'll trade you any duplicate for either of those. I don't collect Captain Napalm bubble gum cards. It must be depressing to go through life with no purpose. Calvin asks if Susie wants to trade Captain Napalm bubble gum cards. He says after chewing almost $20 worth of gum, He has all the cards except two. He offers to trade Susie for those two. Susie tells Calvin she doesn't collect Captain Napalm cards. Calvin walks away saying it must be depressing to go through life with no purpose."
"OOF! Ackpth! Pbthp! That was a fumble! Aren't you going to get the ball? No, you can have it. It's not much fun playing with someone who would rather tackle than win. Go on, take a running start. Calvin runs with the football. Hobbes tackles him. Calvin gets up and says it's a fumble. He asks if Hobbes is going to get it. Hobbes tells him he can have it. Calvin says it's not much fun playing with someone who would rather tackle than win."
"It's third down and four to go... Calvin kicks the football, which goes behind him. He passes the football, which falls inches away from him. He leaves the football and goes inside the house to watch it on television."
"My hands were all shaky, my face had gone pale. A letter from Santa just arrived in the mail! It was hand-written in old-fashioned ink pen. It was handsomely printed and dated twelve ten. 'Dear Calvin,' it said,"
"Here, Calvin, you got a letter in the mail. I did?? Gosh, I never get mail! I wonder who sent this. There's no return address! In its place there's a crude human skull with X's for eyes and its tongue hanging out. Maybe it's the IRS. Mom hands Calvin a letter he got in the mail. Calvin wonders who sent it. He never gets mail. There's no return address, only a skull with X's for eyes and its tongue hanging out. He wonders if it's the IRS."
"Look, Hobbes, I got a mysterious letter! The return address is a skull with X-ed out eyes! It has a local postmark, though. So I must know the person. Oh boy, intrigue! But who would send me an anonymous, weird letter like this? Maybe a GIRL! GAAAA! Doesn't the post office SCREEN anything? I'll get you some gloves! Calvin shows Hobbes the letter he received. He notices it has a local postmark and wonders who would send a weird letter like that. Hobbes wonders if it's from a girl. Calvin drops the letter in horror, wondering if the post office doesn't screen anything."
"If this is from a girl, we'll have to bury it real deep and disinfect my room. Hurry! Open it! Ugh, what if it's some mushy poem written with a pink pen in loopy letters with the 'I's dotted with hearts?? I think I'd puke. No, it's cut and pasted letters from a magazine! Wow! No handwriting to trace! It says, 'Coded message to follow. A-1, B-2, etc. Destroy this letter.' Hobbes, we're dealing with a PRO! Calvin isn't sure he wants to open the letter. It might be a mushy poem written with a pink pen in loopy letters. He sees the note is cut and pasted letters from a magazine. Hobbes reads the letter. It contains instructions for a code and says a coded message will follow."
"Can you believe this?? A skull for a return addres, untraceable cut-out letters, and a code key for a future message. This is real secret agent stuff! Whoever sent this is taking no chances on the message being traced or intercepted! Gosh, the message must be super top secret and important! I wonder what it could be! I wonder when I'll find out. It's a good thing you're the patient type. This is so cool I have to go to the bathroom! Calvin thinks this is real secret agent stuff. He figures the message must be super top secret and important. He wonders what it will be and when he'll find out. Hobbes says it's a good thing Calvin is the patient type. Calvin is so excited, he has to use the bathroom."
"This is so exciting to get a secret untraceable message in the mail! It said a coded letter would follow! Maybe it will arrive today! I can't wait to get home and see! I wonder what it will say? I wonder who sent it? I wonder why it's in code? I'll bet I grow up to be a spy! I'm so good at figuring out what's going on! Calvin sits at school with a smile on his face. He thinks it's exciting to get a secret message in the mail. He wonders if the message will arrive in the mail today. Miss Wormwood is trying to tell him something, but he sits with his smile. As Miss Wormwood continues talking to him without Calvin hearing, he wonders who sent it and why was it sent in code. Calvin sits in the principal's office with a smile on his face. He thinks he's growing up to be a spy, since he's so good at figuring out what's going on."
"I'm home! I'm home! Did I get a letter today?? Yes, it's on the table. Oh boy, Hobbes, this is it! This is the coded message! Quick, let's decipher it! OK, the first number is 3, so that would be 'C'. Next is 1. So that's 'A'. This is fun! Hey! This says, 'Calvin is a porridge brain!' It's... it's an INSULT! Some people have secret admirers. YOU have a secret detractor! Calvin races inside the house wondering if he got a letter. Calvin opens the coded message. They decode it. It says 'Calvin is a porridge brain'. Hobbes says some people have secret admirers. Calvin has a secret detractor."
"We got some new snow last night! Let's look for animal tracks! Here are some bird tracks. Look, you can see wing impressions where they took off! And these are rabbit tracks. Looks like they were going pretty fast. No wonder! Look at THESE tracks! Something was chasing them all over the place! Hmm... big pads... could be a wolf. But there are no clan impressions. It's more like a bobcat, or a mountain lion, or... or... This explains the cold wet feet in my bed this morning. The snow was falling and I thought, 'The birds and the rabbits around here need some exercise.' Mom watches Calvin go to school in his raincoat and cap. Once outside, Calvin takes the raincoat and cap off and splashes in all the puddles on the way to the bus stop. It's raining the entire time. Calvin sits dripping at his desk. After school, he comes home carrying his raincoat and cap. He splashes in the puddles again. He puts his raincoat and cap on, then goes into his house. Mom takes the rain gear off. Calvin then sneezes."
"Ooh, this burns me up! A coded message saying 'Calvin is a porridge brain!' The nerve! The bizarre skull drawing, the cut and pasted letters, the code... all that suspense and mystery for an insult! What kind of depraved maniac would go to so much trouble?! Rrrghhh, I wish I knew who sent this!! Our only clue is that the twisted fiend has too much time on his hands. Another letter for you, Calvin! How nice to get so much mail. Calvin angrily crumples the coded message. Calvin wonders what kind of depraved maniac would go to so much trouble to insult him. He knows the twisted fiend has too much time on his hands. Mom hands Calvin another letter."
"Look, Hobbes, the skull! It's another letter from the secret insulter! More cut and pasted letters! It says, 'You look like a baboon and you smell like one too! Ha ha.' The mystery deepens. WHO COULD BE SENDING THESE?! A reckless exaggerator. You don't LOOK like a baboon. OH, YOU'RE A BIG HELP! Calvin sees the skull on the envelope. It's from the secret insulter. This one reads 'You look like a baboon and you smell like one, too! Ha. Ha'. Calvin yells aloud wondering who could be sending these. Hobbes looks at Calvin and says a reckless exaggerator. He says Calvin doesn't look like a baboon. Calvin yells that Hobbes is a big help."