"I DON'T WANNA TAKE A BATH! I DON'T WANNA TAKE A BATH! YOU CAN'T MAKE ME! AGHH! LEGGO! LEGGO! NO NO NO NO NO NO NO! PUT ME DOWN! I WISH I WAS DEAD! I HATE YOU ALL! I HATE EVERYTHING! AARRGGHHH! Whenever I hear about people trying to rediscover the 'child within', I want to scream. Calvin runs screaming he doesn't want to take a bath. Mom carries him up the stairs while he keeps yelling. In the tub, he yells that he hates everything. Mom, dripping wet, tells Dad that whenever she hears people trying to rediscover the 'child within', she wants to scream."
"Calvin, the mighty tyrannosaur, stands over his kill and roars triumphantly! The struggle to bring down his prey has given Calvin a monstrous appetite! With massive jaws twisting violently at the carcass, he rips apart gigantic chunks and swallows them whole! What a disgusting spectacle of savage gluttony! That's enough for tonight, Calvin. You're going to get sick if you eat all that. But Mom, I earned it! The pterodactyl flies over the water. Suddenly, a creature rises out of the water yelling for Calvin to pay attention. Miss Wormwood says they're studying geography. She asks what state he lives in. Calvin replies 'denial'. Miss Wormwood walks away, saying she can't argue with that. The pterodactyl flies off."
"When you look at me, it's clear that my genes contain the evolutionary perfection of earthly DNA. I am the culmination of creation. With no tail?! I don't think so! Stop that! My butt doesn't NEED aesthetic enhancement. Calvin says his genes contain the evolutionary perfection of DNA. He's the culmination of creation. Hobbes looks down the back of Calvin's pants. He says he doesn't think so. Calvin has no tail. Calvin says his butt doesn't need aesthetic enhancement."
"When you think how well basic appliances work, it's hard to believe anyone ever gets on an airplane. Calvin is toasting a piece of bread. The toast burns. Calvin walks off with the toast, saying that when you think how well basic appliances work, it's hard to believe anyone ever gets on an airplane."
"Here, take a picture of me, OK? Sure. I'll sit holding this big book, looking contemplative. Why do you want a picture like THAT? On the off-chance I decide to do something responsible with my life, I'll need to establish a ficticious childhood. Calvin wants Hobbes to take a picture of him. He holds a book, looking contemplative. Hobbes asks why he wants a picture like that. Calvin tells him that on the off-chance he does something responsible with his life, he'll need to establish a fictitious childhood."
"This is what I like about photography. People think cameras always tell the truth. They think the camera is a dispassionate machine that records only facts, but really, cameras lie all the time! Select the facts and you manipulate the truth! For example, I've cleared off this corner of my bed. Take a picture of me here, but crop out all the mess around me, so it looks like I keep my room tidy. Is this even legal? Wait, let me comb my hair and put on a tie. Calvin says people think cameras always tell the truth. He says cameras lie all the time. If you select the facts, you manipulate the truth. He's cleared a corner of his bed. If Hobbes takes a picture of him, and crops out the mess around him, it looks like he keeps his room tidy. Hobbes asks if this is legal. Calvin runs off to comb his hair and put on a tie."
"OK, there's a picture of me looking well-adjusted and playing sports. That ought to do it. You hate sports. Yeah, but people believe what they see, and now we've got a photographic document of a fake childhood ready for any future biographical needs I may have! Pretty shrewd planning, huh? Except for one detail. Suppose the photographer doesn't keep quiet? You drive a hard bargain, flea-bait. Ooh, now Maggot-man is about to reveal his secret identity to Amazon-babe! Calvin gets a picture of him looking well-adjusted and playing sports. Hobbes says Calvin hates sports. Calvin says people believe what they see. Now he has a document of a fake childhood ready for any future biographical needs. He thinks that's pretty shrewd. Hobbes asks what happens if the photographer doesn't keep quiet. Later, Calvin grumbles about Hobbes driving a hard bargain as Hobbes reads Calvin's comic books."
"I'm a simple man, Hobbes. YOU?? Yesterday you wanted a nuclear powered car that could turn into a jet with laser-guided head-seeking missiles! I'm a simple man with complex tastes. Calvin says he's a simple man. Hobbes tells him that yesterday, he wanted a nuclear powered car that could turn into a jet. Calvin modifies his statement that he's a simple man with complex tastes."
"If you could have anything in the world right now, what would it be? ...hmm... Anything at all! Whatever you want! A sandwich. A SANDWICH?!? WHAT KIND OF A STUPID WISH IS THAT?! Talk about a failure of imagination! I'D ask for a trillion billion dollars, my own space shuttle and a private continent. I got MY wish. Hobbes pounces on Calvin, drags him along, then dumps him on the floor. Calvin says he needs to make friends with some less territorial animals."
"You have a question, Calvin? More of a statement, really. I just want to say that education is our most important investment in the future, and it's scandalous how little our educators are paid! OK, hands up. Who ELSE didn't do the homework for today? Actually, I'd like to see more teachers out on the streets. Calvin raises his hand in class. He wants to say education is the most important investment in their future. It's scandalous how little educators are paid. Miss Wormwood stands dumbfounded. She asks the class who else didn't do the homework for today. Calvin mumbles he'd like to see more teachers out on the streets."
"You're dead at recess, Twinky. You don't scare ME, Moe. This is just your clumsy way of coping with the fact that I'M a genius and YOU'RE still struggling with the concept of walking erect. POW! The truth will set your teeth free. Moe threatens Calvin. Calvin says this is Moe's clumsy way of coping with the fact Calvin's a genius, and Moe is struggling with the concept of walking erect. Moe punches Calvin. Lying on the floor, Calvin says the truth will set your teeth free."
"I hate school! I'm not going to school ever again! I refuse! I think Mum lettered in shot put her junior year. Calvin says he refuses to go to school again. Calvin gets tossed out the door. As he brushes himself off, Calvin says he thinks Mom lettered in shot put her junior year."
"I hate going to school. I wish I was a tiger. Tigers don't need to know anything. Attacking running animals involves a lot of physics. There's velocity, gravity and laws of motion, not to mention all the biology we have to know. Then there's the artistic expression of it all, and a lot more! Gosh, I never realized killing was so grounded in the liberal arts. My dissertation on ethics was VERY well received. Calvin wishes he was a tiger. Tigers don't need to know anything. Hobbes angrily points out attacking running animals involves physics. There's velocity, gravity, and laws of motion. Not to mention all the biology they have to know. Then there's the artistic expression of it all. Calvin never realized killing was so grounded in the liberal arts. Hobbes, with arms crossed, says his dissertation on ethics was very well received."
"I figured out how I can achieve success without hard work. How? I'll find a profession where everyone in it is worse than me! That might take hard work. In his wagon, Calvin tells Hobbes he's figured out how he can achieve success without hard work. He has to find a profession where everyone in it is worse than he is. Hobbes says that might take hard work."
"Act casual. Calvin walks by Dad thinking he needs to act casual. Behind Dad is a Tinkertoy creation. When the door is opened, a bucket of water will pour into a ramp pointing at the back of Dad's head."
"BBRRBBBRBB beep beep. GAAAPA! OOMP. You moved upwind, silly! Sheesh, human senses aren't worth beans. GET OFF ME, YOU PSYCHOTIC SAVAGE! Your nature program is on. Don't you want to watch it? NO! Calvin's food rolls off his plate. It goes to the edge of the table, then comes back. It jumps into Calvin's shirt. He struggles and runs off with the food on his back. He rolls on the floor to kill it. He lifts his shirt to see it, and Mom stands there. Calvin tries to explain, but is sent to bed."
Aren't you supposed to be doing your homework? I'm pretty sure the assignment was optional. Denial springs eternal. It's not denial. I'm just very selective about the reality I accept. Hobbes asks Calvin if he isn't supposed to be doing his homework. Calvin is pretty sure the assignment was optional. Hobbes says denial springs eternal. Calvin says it isn't denial. He's very selective about the reality he accepts.
"I say a day without denial is a day you've got to face. From now on, I'm not going to think about anything unpleasant. Isn't that a self-deceiving way to go through life? I'm not going to think about that. Calvin says a day without denial is one you've got to face. He's not going to think of anything that's unpleasant. Hobbes asks if that isn't a self-deceiving way to go through life. Calvin says he isn't going to think about that."
"Time for your bath. Let's go. Sorry, I'm in denial about my baths. Fine. Go ahead and deny it. Nobody respects my denial. Mom tells Calvin it's time for his bath. Calvin says he's in denial about baths. Mom puts him in the tub and says he can go ahead and deny it. Calvin says nobody respects his denial."
"Can I have five dollars? If you want money, you should earn it by working. Shaking you down seems to be work. Calvin asks Mom for five dollars. Mom says he should earn it by working. Calvin says shaking her down seems to be work."
I need a push! Someone push me! I need a push! Everybody I know fails the acid test of friendship. Calvin is sitting on a swing. He yells that he wants a push. He looks around and says everybody he knows fails the acid test of friendship.
"Boy, it's cold out! It's a perfect day for us snowmen! What a great spot for a few feet of snow! Yes sir. A snowman like me could be real happy here! ... sighhhh... The decoy isn't working? Maybe ducks are easier to fool than snow. Calvin doesn't like real experience. It's too hard to figure out. He prefers to have life filtered through television. Then you know events have been packaged for your convenience. If you don't like what's happening, 'click', you change the channel. That's how life should be. Hobbes says 'click' and trips Calvin. As Calvin falls, Hobbes holds his paws up like a television screen and says it's a farce. Calvin chases Hobbes."
"A quandary. Mom once said she loved me, just the way I am. So I wonder what would happen, if I became a clam. If her son was gray and grimy, slippery and sliy, an oversized hors d'oeuvre, would Mom still have the nerve? Good poetry gives me goosebumps. Calvin writes a poem about Mom saying she loved him just the way he is. He writes what he wonders would happen if he were a clam. If he was gray and slimy, an oversized hors d'oeuvre, would Mom still have the nerve? Calvin says good poetry gives him goosebumps."
"What story would you like tonight? We can read anything except... 'Hamster Huey and the Gooey Kablooie'! NO! No Hamster Huey tonight! We've read that book a million times! I want Hamster Huey! Look, you KNOW how the story goes! You've memorized the whole thing! It's the same story every day! I WANT HAMSTER HUEY! Wow, the story was different THAT time! Do you think the townsfolk will ever find Hamster Huey's head? Dad asks what story Calvin wants him to read except....Calvin wants 'Hamster Huey and the Gooey Kablooie'. Dad says he's read that a million times. Calvin wants 'Hamster Huey'. Dad says Calvin knows how the story goes. It's the same story every day. Calvin wants 'Hamster Huey'. Later in bed, with eyes wide open, Calvin says the story was different that time. Hobbes wonders if the townsfolk will ever find Hamster Huey's head."
"I wish I had a baby brother. You want a new friend to play with? No, I want somebody small I could beat up. Look honey, can we talk about that operation some other time?"
"Dad? are you busy? Well, sort of, why? Oh, nothing. I was just thinking, maybe, if you had the time, you and I could do a father-son kind of project. You know, just the two of us. Why of course we can! That's more important than this! Sure, what would you like to do? You're old enough to buy firearms and explosives, right? Calvin asks if Dad is busy. He wonders if they can do a father-son kind of project. Dad is happy to. That's more important than what he's doing. He asks Calvin what he'd like to do. Calvin asks if he's old enough to buy firearms and explosives."
"Look how your tail flips around! I wonder which muscles control that. I can sort of clench my butt, but I don't think it could wiggle a tail. Hmm, how strange! I've never really thought about butt muscles before. Some things don't need the thought people give them. Calvin points out how Hobbes' tail flips around. He wonders which butt muscles control that. He can clench his butt, but he doesn't think it would wiggle a tail. He walks off saying he's never thought of butt muscles before. Hobbes says some things don't need the thought people give them."
"I'M IN A VERY BAD MOOD, SO NOBODY'D BETTER MESS WITH ME TODAY, BOY!! Here, I got you a new comic book. Why don't you just sit on the couch and I'll make you some peanut butter crackers. Are you comfy? Um, I guess so. Mom knows EVERYTHING. Calvin yells that he's in a bad mood. Mom gets Calvin a comic book. She says he should sit on the couch, and she'll bring him some peanut butter crackers. Calvin decides Mom knows everything."
"Hello, Calvin. I am Doctor 5-40. Y-you're a robot?? Ha hah, affirmative. We wouldn't trust a delicate operation like this to clumsy HUMAN hands, now, would we? Um... I gues not... How's the anesthetic? Feel anything? ... no... Good. This will just take a moment. Hold this jar, would you? Ta de tum tum... a little gray matter here, a dab there... ah, that should do it. Wow, that was easy! How do you fell? Smart! This knowledge implant should provide all the wisdom you'll ever need. Great! No more school! Thanks, Doctor! Go home and have 12 years of fun. Sighhhh. Calvin makes a springboard. He says Mom won't get him one. He's going to do the highest jump into a leaf pile Hobbes has ever seen. He puts a board on a log, then puts a rock on one end of the board. Calvin runs up and jumps on the other end of the board. The rock flies up, hits Calvin in the head, and Calvin falls down. Hobbes asks why Mom wouldn't get a springboard. Calvin says she was afraid he'd hurt himself."