"Bugs fly in such crazy loops and zigzags. I wonder why they don't get dizzy and barf. Maybe they do! Eww, gross! Ha ha ha! But then why would they keep flying that way? Maybe bugs LIKE to barf! EWWWW! They WOULD!! Ha ha ha ha! Blaugh! I tell you, Hobbes, it's great to have a friend who appreciates an earnest discussion of ideas. Calvin tells Hobbes that bugs fly in such crazy loops, he wonders why they don't get dizzy and barf. Hobbes suggests maybe they do. Calvin thinks that's gross, but wonders why they'd keep flying that way. Hobbes suggests maybe they like to barf, and he starts to laugh. Calvin is grossed out, but he laughs. As they walk off, Calvin says it's great to have a friend who appreciates an earnest discussion of ideas."
"What if we die and it turns out our God is a big CHICKEN?? What then?! Just eat your dinner, OK? ETERNAL CONSEQUENCES, THAT'S WHAT! Calvin asks what happens if they die and it turns out God is a big chicken. At the dinner table, Mom tells him to just eat his dinner. Calvin is concerned about the eternal consequences."
"One of the joys of being a kid is that experiences are new and therefore more intense. For example, I'm about to stick my nose in a jar of mustard and inhale deeply! Let's see what it's like. WHOOP!! See, whed you are oder, you dake your sinuses fo granded. Some of us prefer to. Calvin opens the refrigerator and tells Hobbes that one of the joys of being a kid is that experiences are new and more intense. He decides to stick his nose in a mustard jar and inhale deeply. His eyes flare open and he flies up into the air. Calvin says when you're older, you take your sinuses for granted. Hobbes walks off saying some of us prefer to."
How's your book? I can't put it down. Gripping? You said it. Maybe you should wash your hands. It's peanut butter mixed with bubble gum. Calvin is reading a book under a tree. Hobbes asks how it is. Hobbes asks if it's gripping. Calvin says it is. Hobbes suggests Calvin wash his hands. Calvin pulls his hand from the book and says it's peanut butter mixed with bubble gum.
"Whither goest thou, young rogue? Can there yet remain some villany thou hast not committed? Thou dost wrong me! Faith, I know not where I wander. Methings the most capricious zephyr hath more design than I. Bot lo: do not detain me. For I am resolv'd to quit this place forthwith. Ay, but hear you this, I'll soon know thy business, get thee gone, wastrel! By my troth, I am off. Holy schlaMOLY, isn't there a cop show on where they talk like real people? Shhh. Speaking like Shakespearean characters, Mom asks 'whither goest thou, young rogue'. Calvin replies 'thou dost wrong me'. He says he is 'resolv'd to quit this place forthwith'. He leaves the house, and Mom says she'll 'soon know thy business'. Calvin replies 'by my troth, I am off'. Watching television, Calvin asks Mom if there isn't a cop show where they talk like real people."
"... SIGHHH... Three plus two... Calvin? Calvin runs up and hits a golf ball with a golf club. He stops as the ball flies back over his head. He and Hobbes are chasing the ball. Calvin tackles Hobbes, then fights with him. Calvin escapes, but Hobbes pounces on him before he can hit the golf ball again. They fight, and Hobbes escapes to hit the ball. Hobbes holds Calvin away with his foot as he hits the ball again. Calvin says if you don't want to play with old geezers, you have to make golf a contact sport."
"The best thing about Captain Steroid comic books is that every issue is number one. Every issue?? Sure! That way they're ALL collector items! These will be worth billions of dollars some day! Of course, they're so cheaply printed you have to preserve them in plastic bags, but it's a small investment for such a huge guaranteed return. Gosh, and I keep buying bonds. Look at the great committee that drew THIS issue! Calvin is glad the Captain Steroid comic has every issue as issue number one. He says that way, they're all collector items. He says they're so cheaply printed you have to preserve them in plastic bags. That's a small investment for such a huge guaranteed return. Hobbes says he keeps buying bonds. Calvin shows Hobbes the great committee that drew the issue he has in hand."
"Mom, Hobbes takes my comic books and reads them before I do! Make him stop! Um... He spoils all the good parts too! He yells out what's happening while he's reading. He goes, 'Oh no, Captain Steroid is getting his kidneys punched with an I-Beam! Oh gross, now he's bleeding all over the...' Let me see this comic book. NOW DON'T YOU READ IT FIRST!! Calvin complains to Mom that Hobbes reads his comic books before he does. He says Hobbes yells out what's happening while he reads. Calvin quotes from one of his comics. It involves Captain Steroid getting punched in the kidneys with a I-beam and bleeding all over. Mom asks to see the comic book. Calvin is afraid she'll read it first."
"Mom doesn't understand comic books. She doesn't realize that comic books deal with serious issues of the day. Today's superheroes face tough moral dilemmas. Comic books aren't escapist fantasy. They're sophisticated social critiques. Is Amazon girl's super power the ability to squeeze that figure into that suit? Nah, they can all do that. Calvin, reading a comic beneath the tree, tells Hobbes that Mom doesn't understand comic books. Calvin says they deal with serious issues of the day. He says comic book aren't just escapist fantasy, but they're sophisticated social critiques. Hobbes asks if Amazon Girl's super power is the ability to squeeze her figure into her suit. Calvin tells her they all can do that."
"Whoa, Dad! Don't miss your bus! Leggo! Calvin peeks around the corner of the house. He sees something and gets excited. He turns on the outside water spigot. The sprinkler has been wrapped around a tree, with the sprinkler head up in the tree. Below the flowing sprinkler is Dad's briefcase and papers. Off page, Calvin is saying for Dad not to miss his bus and to let him go."
"Is the coast clear? Give me a boost! What's the plan? We wait for Susie to walk underneath this tree and then we drop a water balloon on her! What if she doesn't walk by? Then we just sit in the tree all day. I love summer. The days are just PACKED! Calvin asks for Hobbes to boost him into a tree. Calvin plans to wait for Susie to walk underneath the tree, then he'll drop a water balloon on her. Hobbes asks what they'll do if she doesn't walk by. Calvin says they'll just sit in the tree all day. Hobbes loves summer. Calvin says the days are just packed."
"Wow, look at the grass stains on my skin. I say, if your knees aren't green by the end of the day, you ought to seriously re-examine your life. Getting ready for his bath, Calvin shows Hobbes the grass stains on his skin. He says if your knees aren't green by the end of the day, you ought to seriously re-examine your life."
"Today at school, I tried to decide whether to cheat on my test or not. I wondered, is it better to do the right thing and fail... or is it better to do the wrong thing and succeed! On the one hand, underserved success gives no satisfaction... but on the other hand, well-deserved failure gives no satisfaction either. Of course, most everybody cheats some time or other. People always bend the rules if they think they can get away with it. ...then again, that doesn't justify MY cheating. Then I thought, look, cheating on one little test isn't such a big deal. It doesn't hurt anyone. ...but then I wondered if I was just rationalizing my unwillingness to accept the consequence of my not studying. Still, in the real world, people care about success, not principles. ...then again, maybe that's why the world is in such a mess. What a dilemma! So what did you decide? Nothing. I ran out of time and had to turn in a blank paper. Anymore, simply acknowledging the issue is a moral victory. Well, it just seemed wrong to cheat on an ethics test. Calvin is trying to determine whether there is a universal moral law. He says he'll throw his water balloon at Susie, unless he receives some sign in the next 30 seconds. He says the universe has the power to stop him, and he'll accept the sign. Nothing happens, so Calvin hits Susie with the balloon. She chases Calvin. Lying on the ground, beaten up, Calvin laments the universe gives the sign after you've done it."
"I have a question, Dad. Sure. Which exactly are the halcyon days of my youth? Is Saturday one? I believe they are awarded retroactively when you're grown up. You can't identify them until THEN? Calcyonity is relative. I'll go ask Mom. Calvin asks Dad which are the halcyon days of his youth. Dad says they're awarded retroactively when you've grown up. Calvin asks if you can't identify them until then. Dad says halcyonity is relative. Calvin says he's going to ask Mom."
"It's too hot to sleep with you in the bed. You're blocking the breeze and you take up too much room! Opening the window more isn't going to help! The problem is your big, hot, furry body! Hey! Leggo! I didn't mean it! No! I'm comfortable! Reall! And Mom can't imagine how my pajamas get so gritty. Calvin tells Hobbes it's too hot to sleep with him in the bed. He says Hobbes blocks the breeze and takes up too much room. Hobbes opens the window. Calvin complains that isn't going to help. The problem is his big, furry body. Hobbes grabs Calvin and puts him on the garage roof. Lying on it, with his pillow, Calvin says Mom can't imagine how his pajamas get so gritty."
"I don't have anything to do. Well, then why don't you go clean your room? I was bragging. Calvin tells Mom that he doesn't have anything to do. She suggests he go clean his room. Calvin tells Mom he was bragging."
"How's business? Terrible. That's hard to believe. I can't understand it. Everybody I know needs what I'm selling. Calvin sits at an upside-down box that offers swift kicks in the butt for a dollar. Hobbes asks how business is, and Calvin tells him it's terrible. Hobbes rolls his eyes and says that's hard to believe. Calvin can't understand it. He says everybody he knows needs what he's selling."
"Look, a dead bird! It must've hit the window. Isn't it beautiful? It's so delicate. Sighhh... once it's too late, you appreciate what a miracle life is. You realize that nature is ruthless and our existence is very fragile, temporary and precious. But to go on with your daily affairs, you can't really think about that. ...which is probably why everyone takes the world for granted and why we act so thoughtlessly. It's very confusing. I suppose it will all make sense when we grow up. No doubt. Dad's riding his bike, commenting how he's outside in the fresh air (as a truck drives by throwing a can out the window) with no distractions (as a swarm of bugs surrounds him), nothing but quiet (as dogs snap at him) and a chance to get a feel for the land (as he falls off the bike). He's happy for the opportunity to reflect on things (as he holds his sore rear end). As he gets home, Dad says getting out like that makes the rat race seem ridiculous. Dad tells Mom he's thinking about quitting his job and riding his bicycle all the time. Mom suggests Dad call the bike shop to sponsor his mid-life crisis."
"OPEN THE DOOR! Calvin leaps over his lawn sprinkler. He jumps over it, being splashed by the water. He looks at the sky. As it starts to rain, Calvin runs back to the house yelling for the door to be opened."
"I don't have to go to bed now! I don't have to do what you say! Actually you do. It's in your contract. My contract? what contract? Oh, it's a pretty standard pre-natal form. I had power of attorney since you wer ejust a few cells. Paragraph two specifies your bedtime. Dad says I can renegotiate when I'm 18. This 7:30 bedtime will be tough to explain to your prom date. Calvin says he doesn't have to go to bed. He doesn't have to do what his parents say. Dad tells him that he does, it's in the contract. Calvin wonders what contract. Dad explains it's a standard prenatal form. Dad had power of attorney since Calvin was just a few cells. Paragraph two specifies bedtime. In bed, Calvin tells Hobbes Dad says he can renegotiate when he's 18. Hobbes says the 7:30 bedtime will be tough to explain to his prom date."
Why do you sleep so much? I like to be rested when things start to happen. What are you talking about?! Nothing ever happens around here! Give me a break! AAAUGHH! Calvin asks Hobbes why he sleeps so much. Hobbes tells him he likes to be rested when things start to happen. Calvin walks away wondering what he's talking about. Nothing ever happens around there. Hobbes pounces on an unsuspecting Calvin.
"C'mon, let's go try to find a big poisonous snake! What will we do if we see one? Are you kidding? We'll scare ourselves silly and run around in circles, screaming like a bunch of loons! I look forward to when we're old enough to get our morning jolt from coffee. Ahh, I'll bet that wears off quicker. Calvin wants to find a poisonous snake. Hobbes asks what they'll do if they see one. Calvin tells him they'll scare themselves silly, run around in circles, and scream like loons. Hobbes looks forward to when they're old enough to get their morning jolt from coffee. Calvin says he bets that wears off quicker."
"Oh greatest of mass media, thank you for elevating emotion, reducing thought, and stifling imagination. Thank you for the artificiality of quick solutions and for the insidious manipulation of human desires for commercial purposes. This bowl of lukewarm tapioca represents my brain. I offer it in humble sacrifice. Bestow thy flickering light forever. Calvin talks to the television, thanking it for elevating emotion and stifling imagination. He thanks it for the artificiality of quick solutions. He bows down and offers the television a bowl of lukewarm tapioca, which represents his brain. Later, Mom sees the television on with the tapioca in front of it. She is puzzled."
"You know what I've discovered? What? A little rudeness and disrespect can elevate a meaningless interaction into a battle of wills and add drama to an otherwise dull day. Oh, that's good to know. If you weren't such a muttonhead, you might have thought of it yourself! See?? You proved my point! Calvin has discovered a little rudeness and disrespect can elevate a meaningless interaction into a battle of wills. Hobbes rolls his eyes and says that's good to know. Calvin says if he wasn't such a muttonhead, he might have thought of it himself. Calvin, stuck into the ground, says Hobbes just proved his point."
"Altitude-o-tron... check! Gamma beam macerator... check! Windshield defogger... check! Initiate final countdown! Five four three two one... FWOOM. How was our day? Well, I enjoyed coming home... In poem form, aliens come, drain the ocean, suck up the clouds and air. People cry for the aliens to stop. The aliens reply that while they're sorry to learn the people will soon be dead, they prefer their extinction to the loss of the aliens' job. Calvin shows Hobbes his science fiction story. He asks if it's too far-fetched. Hobbes says it's not enough, really."
"I slept on my hair funny. I can tell. Maybe if I mousse it, it will stay like this! See if your Mom has any curlers for the back! Calvin's hair is flat on one side. He says he slept on it funny. He wonders if it will stay that way if he mousses it. Hobbes wonders if Mom has curlers for the back."
"Hello, information? Yes, what exactly is the difference between a hotdog, a weiner and a frankfurter? What? Whaddaya MEAN?! OK, FINE! Thanks for NOTHING, you fraud!! And I've heard the 'operator' isn't even a surgeon! You can't trust anyone. Calvin calls information operator. He asks the difference between a hot dog, a wiener, and a frankfurter. He gets angry with their reply. Calvin tells Hobbes that he's heard the 'operator' isn't even a surgeon. Hobbes says you can't trust anyone."
"I'm sick of hearing about personal responsibility! I've already DONE my part to make the world a better place to live. Really? Sure! I was BORN! Oh yes, I forgot to thank you. Join the club! Going down the hill in the wagon, Calvin says he's done his part to make the world a better place to live. He was born. Hobbes rolls his eyes and says he forgot to thank Calvin. Calvin tells him to join the club."