"CALLLVINN! Mom's calling, start the stopwatch. Shouldn't you answer her? CALLVINNN! Not yet. She doesn't see us, so she can't prove we heard her. The trick is to listen to her tone of voice and answer just before she gets mad enough to come looking for us. CALVIN!! OK, that was it. Now we play innocent. ARE YOU CALLING ME?? Come inside. It's time for bed. It's getting dark. Ha! She made a tactical blunder! Darkness is relative! IT'S NOT DARK! YES IT IS. COME INSIDE. I CAN STILL SEE MY HANDS! IT'S NOT REAL DARK! IT'S DARK ENOUGH. LET'S GO. Rats, she cut off the debate before we could really define the terms. Now we have to bargin. CAN I STAY OUT ANOTHER TEN MINUTES? THAT'S ALL I WANT! NO, COME IN NOW. FIVE MINUTES THEN! JUST FIVE MINUTES, OK? NOW, CALVIN! Darn, she's catching on! She guessed that MY five minutes is HER half-hour. We'll go for the fake agreement. OK, I'M COMING! Now we"
"This is the dumbest thing I've ever seen in my life! Yeah, well go soak your head! HEY, THAT'LL BE ONE DOLLAR! Calvin sits at a box offering great ideas for one dollar. Susie comes up and says that's the dumbest thing she's seen. Calvin tells her to go soak her head. She walks off, and Calvin yells after her that she owes him a dollar."
How do I know your ideas are great? It says so on my sign. Want one? I don't have a dollar. No problem! You can put 50 cents down and pay 100% interest in dime installments over the next 10 days! People just don't know a reat idea when they hear one. Hobbes asks Calvin how he knows his ideas are great. Calvin tells him because it says so on the sign and offers one. Hobbes doesn't have a dollar. Calvin offers to take 50 cents down and charge 100% interest in dime installments over the next ten days. Hobbes leaves. Calvin complains people don't know a great idea when they hear one.
"I'm having an inventory reduction sale! Great ideas are now just a quarter! OK, here. What's your great idea? Buy some more! I'm getting another great idea right now. Me too. See ya. Calvin offers Mom a great idea for a quarter. He's having an inventory reduction sale. Mom gives him a quarter and asks for the great idea. Calvin tells her to buy some more. Mom says she's getting a great idea. Calvin takes off."
"Ahh, another bowl of chocolate frosted sugar bombs! The seocnd bowl is always the best! The pleasure of my FIRST bowl is diminished by the anticipation of future bowls... ...and by the end of my THIRD bowl, I usually feel sick. Maybe you shouldn't use chocolate milk. I tried cola, but the bubbles went up my nose. Calvin is eating his second bowl of Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs. He says the pleasure of the first bowl is diminished by the anticipation of future bowls, and by the third bowl he feels sick. Hobbes says maybe he shouldn't use chocolate milk. Calvin says he tried cola, but the bubbles went up his nose."
"You call this NEWS?! THIS isn't informative! This is a sound bite! This is entertainment! This is sensationalism! Fortunately, that's all I have the patience for. Calvin complains the television isn't informing him. He says it's a sound bite, entertainment, sensationalism. He sits down to watch it, saying that's all he has patience for."
"Well, let's check my calendar and see what our schedule is for today. Today says, 'Do nothing.' So does tomorrow, and every day after... all the way through the end of August. I LIKE this itinerary! Let's get right to it! Calvin checks his schedule for the day. He says it says 'do nothing' every day through August. Hobbes likes that itinerary. They run outside to get right to it."
"A bee nest! I hate bees! WHAP ZZZZZZZ AIEE! AAAAAAAAA YOWW! I don't see the 'harpoon' that 'gored' you, but this will help the sting. Call the national guard. I'm sure they can track the bee on radar. Calvin wonders how scientists can imagine all the matter of the universe exploding out of a dot smaller than the head of a pin but couldn't name it better than 'the big bang'. Hobbes asks what Calvin would call it. Calvin says 'the horrendous space kablooie'. Hobbes thinks that is better. He suggests they lobby to change it."
"Mom got me some clay! Want to help me make something? Do we get smocks? I want a smock! This kind of clay isn't that messy. You don't need a smock. I WANT A SMOCK! Ok, ok, you can have a smock! Let's get a marker and write 'Don't knock my smock, or I'll clean your clock.' I guess it wouldn't show if dad wore his suit coat. Calvin has some clay. He asks Hobbes if he wants to help him. Hobbes wants a smock. Calvin tells him the clay isn't messy. Hobbes yells that he wants a smock. Calvin gets a shirt for Hobbes. Hobbes wants to write on the"
"I like my smock. Good. ...OK, I'll divide up the clay. Here's yours. You can tell the quality of the artist by the quality of his smock. Uh huh... you have to work this stuff a bit to get it soft. Actually, I just like to SAY smock. See, just knead it like so, and then it can be modeled. Smock smock smock smock smock smock! WHAT ON EARTH IS WRONG WITH YOU?! Hobbes likes his smock. Calvin divides the clay. Hobbes says you can tell the quality of the artist by the quality of his smock. Calvin tells Hobbes to knead the clay so it can be modeled. Hobbes decides he likes to say smock, so he does...over and over. Calvin wonders what's wrong with Hobbes."
"Fine art is dead, Hobbes. Nobody understands it. Nobody likes it. Nobody sees it. It's irrelevant in today's culture. If you want to influence people, POPULAR art is the way to go. Mass market commercial art is the future. Besides, it's the only way to make serious money and that's what's important about being an artist. So what kind of sculpture are you making? Please! It's not a 'sculpture'. It's 'collectible figurines'. Calvin says art is dead. He says popular art is the way to influence people. He says that's the only way to make serious money, and that's what's important about being an artist. Hobbes asks what kind of sculpture he's making. Calvin corrects Hobbes by saying it's not 'sculpture', but rather 'collectible figurines'."
"See, the problem with fine art is that it's supposed to express original truths. But who likes originality and truth?! Nobody! Life's hard enough without it! Only an idiot would PAY for it! But POPULAR art knows the customer is always right! People want more of what they already know they like, so popular art gives it to 'em! And how ARE the movie sequels this summer? Great! Man, there's nothing I hate more than paying five bucks and having to deal with some new plot. Calvin says fine art expresses original truths. He says nobody likes truth. Popular art knows the customer is always right. People want more of what they know they like. Hobbes asks how the movie sequels are this summer. Calvin says there's nothing he hates more than paying money and having to deal with some new plot."
"There, I made a tiger. THAT'S no good! Who's going to buy something like that?! It's subtle! It's boring! It's incomprehensible! How will this ever appeal to the lowest common denominator?! It's completely unadaptable to merchendising tie-ins! Who cares? I just wanted to make it. WHAT?! IS THIS SOME SNOBBY, ELITIST, AESTETIC THING?!? Hobbes makes a tiger. Calvin says no one will buy it. He says it's boring. Hobbes says he just wanted to make it. Calvin wonders if this is some snobby, elitist, aesthetic thing."
"Look at the dopey clay tiger Hobbes made. Gee Calvin, I think this is good. You LIKE it?? Where's the marketabiity? Ask Hobbes if we can put it on the coffee table. But look what I made! A hundred shrunken heads of popular cartoon characters! Eww, you stitched their mouths shut?! Gloat now, 'cause some day I'll be a lot richer than you. I call it 'Symphony in Orange, No. 1'. Calvin shows Mom the tiger Hobbes made. She likes it. She wants to put it on the coffee table. Calvin shows her the shrunken heads of popular cartoon characters he made. Mom is grossed out. The tiger goes on the coffee table. Calvin tells Hobbes to gloat now, because some day he'll be richer than Hobbes."
"Summer days are supposed to be longer, but they sure seem short to me. I'll say. We didn't get to do half our itinerary. Calvin, the ant, is sick of working all the time. He doesn't want to labor for the colony. He has his own needs and desires. He wants some other sap to do the queen's bidding. Mom walks by with a full laundry basket. She asks why she and Dad should feed and shelter Calvin if he won't help around the house. Calvin, the flea, sucks the blood of his angry host in parasitic contentment."
"Suse, stay right there! I want to show you something. It's a surprise, so close your eyes. I'll be right back. Don't move. Oh, cover your nose so you don't smell anything, OK? That's real important. And all your clothes are washable, right? Doggone it, nobody's going to be her friend if she won't TRUST anyone. Calvin asks Susie to stay where she is. He has a surprise. He wants her to close her eyes and cover her nose. He asks if her clothes are washable. Susie leaves. Calvin comes back with a mask on, carrying a pail. He says nobody's going to be her friend if she won't trust anyone."
"If people sat outside and looked at the stars each night, I'll bet they'd live a lot differently. How so? Well, when you look into infinity, you realize that there are more important things to do than what people do all day. We spent OUR day looking under rocks in the creek. I mean OTHER people. Calvin looks at the night sky and tells Hobbes people would live a lot differently if people looked at the stars. He says when you look into infinity, you realize there are more important things than what people do all day. Hobbes says they spent their day looking under rocks in the creek. Calvin says he means other people."
"Mom, I have a question. Sure, Honey. Why would it be worth four dollars a minute to talk on the telephone to goofy ladies who wear their underwear on TV commercials? When were you watching that?! Um... It was on... uh... during my morning cartoons. Somehow, whenever I ask a question, I end up with lots of them to answer. Calvin asks Mom why it would be worth four dollars a minute to talk to ladies wearing their underwear on commercials. Mom asks when he was watching that. Calvin replies during morning cartoons. Calvin walks off lamenting that whenever he asks a question, he ends up with a lot of them to answer."
"Let's not play this any more, hmm? It's not MY fault you make a very big frog! Calvin hops over Hobbes. He lands on his back, then climbs over Hobbes' head. Hobbes grabs Calvin and says they shouldn't play that anymore. Calvin says it's not his fault Hobbes makes a very big frog."
"What are you doing inside? It's a beautiful day out! Go move around! HEY! It's too hot! It's too bright! It's too humid! It's too buggy! IT'S TOO REAL! Mom turns off the television and tells Calvin to go outside. As she tosses him out, Calvin says it's too bright, hot, humid, and buggy. Outside, he adds that it's too real."
"Heh heh heh! Heh heh heh! I wish I had more enemies. I'm sure you will someday, honey. Calvin fills a water balloon. He hides behind a tree, chuckling. Night falls. As Mom puts him in bed, Calvin says he wishes he had more enemies. Mom tells him he will someday."
"I wish we could stop summer right here and have the days stay the same way they are. That's the problem with life. It rolls along with speed you can't control. You can't go faster or slower. Fun experiences always go roaring by. ...while bad experiences never pass quickly enough. I wish we could choose how fast and slow events go. For example, I'd like to speed up childhood and get up to driving age. It's not the pace of life I mind. It's the sudden stop at the end. A monster under Calvin's bed is trying to make him go to the bathroom by making water sounds. Calvin knows when he gets out of bed, the monster will suck out his innards. Calvin tells Hobbes the plan is working. He knows he can't make it till morning. Calvin says he has to go, but he can't get out of bed. He asks Hobbes what he's going to do. The next day, Dad is talking to Mom outside the house. He mentions to Mom that the plants on that side of the house don't do very well. Above them is Calvin's bedroom window."
"Boy, there's nothing worse than an inscrutable omen. Calvin looks at a cloud. The cloud turns into him, sticking his tongue out. The cloud drifts off, and Calvin says there's nothing worse than an inscrutable omen."
"I saw a cloud that looked just like me! Really? There was a head, huge and white, floating in the ethereal blue! Obviously it's a SIGN! Of what? Very peculiar high altitude winds, I guess. Science kind of takes the fun out of the portent business. You know, some sort of cumulonimbal thing. Calvin tells Hobbes he saw a cloud that looked like him. Calvin says it was a sign. Hobbes asks what it was a sign of. Calvin replies a peculiar high altitude wind. Hobbes says science takes the fun out of the portent business."
"Hi Dad, it's me, Calvin. I just called to let you know it's a perfect day outside. Too bad you're trapped in a boring office while I'm running around free with no responsibilities! Have a good summer! Ha ha ha! *click* Childhood is for spoiling adulthood. Calvin calls Dad at work to tell him it's a perfect day outside. Calvin says that while Dad is trapped in a boring office, Calvin's running around with no responsibilities. He hangs up. Calvin says childhood is for spoiling adulthood."
"People are so self-centered. The world would be a better place if people would stop thinking about themselves and focus on others for a change. Gee, I wonder who that might apply to. Me! Everyone should focus more on ME! Calvin tells Hobbes people are self-centered. Calvin says the world would be a better place if people stopped thinking about themselves and focused on others. Hobbes rolls his eyes and asks who that might apply to. Calvin says himself. Everyone should focus more on him."
"Here I am, all set to write my autobiography, and I'm stuck! What's the problem? I can't remember the first half of my life! Maybe your Mom knows what you did. I asked her. She said I did revolting things that are probably unpublishable. Well no wonder you suppressed the memories. Maybe I was in jail! Calvin is stuck while trying to write his autobiography. He tells Hobbes he can't remember the first half of his life. Hobbes suggests Mom might know what Calvin did. Calvin says he asked her. She said he did revolting things that were probably unpublishable. Hobbes understands why Calvin suppressed the memories. Calvin wonders if he was in jail."
"The problem with tigers is they have no setting between 'Off' and 'High'. Calvin walks past Hobbes, who's lying on the floor. Calvin continues, then Hobbes leaps on Calvin. As Hobbes runs off, Calvin says tigers have no setting between 'off' and 'high'."
"I read another article whining about how much violence is on television. So I've seen a few thousand homicides in my day! What's the big deal?! It's my RIGHT to watch violence on TV! It's people like me who make these programs profitable! I say the consumer is always right, and if the advertisers want me to watch TV, the shows had better pander to my tastes! ... and frankly, I like to watch shoot outs, car wrecks, fist fights, and grisly muders! I like to be ENTERTAINED! Don't you worry that all this violence is desensitizing? Nahh. I'd like to shoot the idiots who think this stuff affects me. Calvin climbs the slide ladder. He sees himself high above town, then above the clouds. The sees himself sliding down back toward earth. Calvin sits on top the slide at home. Calvin doesn't think he's going to do it, despite Dad standing there coaxing him."
"I let my mind wander a bit and it didn't come back. I figured you'd lost your mind years ago. Calvin opens his head, and his brain hops out. Off it goes. Calvin tells Mom he let his mind wander, and it didn't come back. Mom says she figured he lost his mind years ago."