"Our country was founded a very long time ago, roughly around 200 B.C. 200 B.C.?! 'Before Calvin.' THAT'S WHAT'S IMPORTANT! Calvin reads a report in front of the class. He says the country was founded around 200 B.C. Miss Wormwood asks what he means. 'Before Calvin' is the reply. Calvin is sitting in the corner, on a stool, dunce cap on his head. He says that's what's important."
"Calvin, I spent over an hour fixing this! At least TRY it! I saw what went in it! I'm not touching it! Going down the hill in the wagon, Calvin says ignorance is bliss. You start seeing problems everywhere, then you try to fix them. Fixing problems seems to require personal change, and that means doing things that aren't fun. Calvin says if you're willfully stupid, you can do whatever you like. The secret to happiness is short-term, stupid self-interest. Hobbes yells they're heading for the cliff. Calvin covers his eyes and doesn't want to know about it. Off they go! Lying on the ground, Hobbes doesn't know if he can stand so much bliss. Calvin says he doesn't want to learn anything from this."
"When I grow up, I'm not going to read the newspaper and I'm not going to follow complex issues and I'm not going to vote. That way I can complain that the government doesn't represent me. Then, when everything goes down the tubes, I can say the system doesn't work and justify my further lack of participation. An ingeniously self-fulfilling plan. It's a lot more fun to blame things than to fix them. In the wagon, Calvin says he isn't going to read the newspaper, follow complex issues, or vote. That way, he can complain the government doesn't represent him. When everything fails, he can say the system doesn't work and justify a further lack of participating. Hobbes calls it an ingeniously self-fulfilling plan. Calvin says it's a lot more fun to blame things than to fix them."
"Aw gee, did the darn ol' sun move some MORE?? Oh hush. Hobbes wakes up, stretches, and walks over to the window. He lies down again. Calvin asks if the darn old sun moved some more. Hobbes tells him to hush."
"This is the worst assignment ever! I'm supposed to think up a story, write it, and illustrate it by tomorrow! Do I look like a novelist?! This is impossible! I can't tell stories! What about your explanation of the noodle incident? THAT WASN'T A STORY! THAT WAS THE UNVARNISHED TRUTH! Oh, don't be so modest. You deserved a Pulitzer. Calvin complains about his assignment to think up a story, write and illustrate it. He says he's not a novelist. He can't tell stories. Hobbes suggests he explains the noodle incident. Calvin yells that wasn't a story, it was the unvarnished truth. Hobbes says he's modest. He says Calvin deserved a Pulitzer."
"Do you have an idea for your story yet? No, I'm waiting for inspiration. You can't just turn on creativity like a faucet. You have to be in the right mood. What mood is that? Last-minute panic. Calvin plays in his sandbox. Hobbes asks if he has a story idea yet. Calvin says he's has to be in the right mood. Hobbes asks what mood that is. Calvin says 'last-minute panic'."
"If you ask ME, these assignments don't teach you how to write. They teach you how to HATE to write. Deadlines, rules how to do it, grades... how can you be creating when someone's breathing down your neck? I guess you should try not to think about the end result too much and just have fun with the process of creating. Every time I do that, I end up in the school psychologist's office. Well, maybe not THAT much fun. Calvin complains these assignments don't teach you how to write. They teach you how to hate to write. He asks how you can be creative when someone's breathing down your neck. Hobbes says not to think about the end result and just have fun with the process of creating. Calvin says when he does that, he ends up in the school psychologist's office."
"Say, I'VE got an idea! For your story? No, I thought of a way I won't have to write one! Oh no. Hop in the time machine, Hobbes! We're going a few hours into the future! I'll have finished my story by then, so we'll just pick it up and bring it back to the present! That way I won't have to write it! Something doesn't make sense here, and I think it's me sitting in this box. Relax! We'll be back as soon as we go."
"Thank you. Thank YOU. Yep. There's nothing like a big bed for dancing. I hope your parents don't mind bad springs. The meeting of G.R.O.S.S. comes to order. They're making a list of what girls are good for. Calvin starts by saying they're good for water balloon targets. He adds they're also good for nothing. Calvin says they're good for colonizing Pluto. Hobbes says they're good for smooching. Calvin is shocked. He demotes Hobbes. Hobbes declares you can't suppress facts. Calvin asks how he knows it's a fact. Calvin starts fighting with Hobbes. Hobbes says he saw Calvin do it. Hobbes says he saw Mom kiss Calvin on the cheek. They stop fighting. Calvin admits Mom is a girl. Hobbes points out that according to club rules, he should be excommunicated. They give presidential pardons all around. Hobbes makes an amendment saying smooching is optional if it's your Mom."
Vortex goggles on? Here we go! We'll jump ahead to my bedtime and pick up my completed homework from my own future! Then we'll return to the present and we can goof off the rest of the evening! Here we are! You must be the 8:30 Calvin. Did you have a good trip? No. Pst! Why do you always go on these things? Calvin and Hobbes time travel to the future. They meet the 8:30 Calvin. The 8:30 Hobbes asks the 6:30 Hobbes why he always goes on these things.
"Greetings, 8:30 Calvin and Hobbes! I'm 6:30 Calvin and this is 6:30 Hobbes! Charmed. Well, since we're YOU from the past, I suppose you know why we're here. Did you do the homework? Me?? No. NO?! Why not?? Because two hours ago, I went to the future to get it. Yeah, and here I am! Where is it?! That's what I said two hours ago! I knew this would never work. Right as always, Hobbes. The 6:30 Calvin asks if the homework is done. It's not. The 6:30 Calvin asks why not. The 8:30 Calvin says that two hours ago, he went to the future to get it. The Hobbes' knew this would never work."
"Do you mean to say it's time for bed and you still haven't written our story for school?! I figured the story was already done! How could it be done if YOU didn't write it?! Obviously it had to be done before now, because it's 8:30 and I'm supposed to be in bed! Wait a minute! If the story had been written in YOUR past, that would mean I should've written it! Well, why didn't you?! Because I came to the future to pick it up when it was DONE! If you hadn't screwed up my past, your future wouldn't be like this. The 6:30 Calvin clarifies that it's time for bed, and the story isn't written. The 8:30 Calvin thought the story was done. The early Calvin asks how it could be done if he didn't write it. The future Calvin says it had to be done before now, because he's supposed to be in bed. The early Calvin says that means he should have written it. The future Calvin asks why he didn't. The early Calvin says he came to the future to pick it up. The future Calvin says that if the earlier Calvin hadn't screwed up his past, the earlier Calvin's future wouldn't be like this."
"Hold it. Let's figure this out. I'M you at 6:30 and YOU'RE me at 8:30. Neither of us did the homework. Right. That means the homework SHOULD'VE been done between my time and your time. Right. We needed to do it at 7:30. But the 7:30 Calvin clearly didn't do it, or you'd have it by now at 8:30. Yeah! This is HIS fault! That lazy little punk! He'll get us BOTH in trouble! Let's go get him! The two Calvins discuss things. They decide the homework should have been done between their two times. They decide it should have been done at 7:30. They decide the 7:30 Calvin is a lazy little punk. They decide to go get him."
"Hobbeses, the 8:30 Calvin and I are going to go back to 7:30 and make THAT Calvin do the homework. We'll wait here. All this time travel makes us queasy. We'll be right back. Off we go! This HAS to be the least efficient way to write a paper. All this modern technology makes people try to do everything at once. The two Calvins go back to make the 7:30 Calvin do the homework. The two Hobbes' talk. One says this has to be the least efficient way to write a paper. The other says all this modern technology makes people try to do everything at once."
"Ah ha! Here we are, right at 7:30! Yikes! My past and my future! Put down that comic book and do our homework! Yeah! Get to work, you loafer! Hey! Why should I do all the work? Either of you could do it too!"
"I don't think so. Definitely not. Mm... nahh... That's a little better. Eww. Yeah, perfect! What now, Calvin? No, absolutely not. Put those back. Mom says no way. Grown-ups have no taste. Calvin is falling asleep at his desk. A bell rings. He opens his desk and pulls out a phone. That's not making the sound. He pulls out an alarm clock from the desk. That's it! Calvin looks up. He's really in bed with his alarm ringing. He sleepily gets out of bed. Later, he's falling asleep at his desk."
"You know, Hobbes, if the 7:30 Calvin is at all like the 6:30 and 8:30 Calvins, I'll bet he isn't going to write that story. You're right, Hobbes. Why don't WE write a story while we're waiting for them? Yeah! Calvin could use it for his class then. I'll write it down and you can illustrate it! OK, now what should our story be about? Calvin's not here. Let's write about HIM! Hee hee hee! Hoo hoo! Drawing Calvin is easy! You just make a big mouth and add some hair! The Hobbes' figure none of the Calvins will write the story. They decide to write it. They choose to write about Calvin. One of the Hobbes' says it's easy to draw Calvin. You just make a big mouth and add some hair."
"Look, guys, you can't gang up on ME! Oh yeah? Why not? Because we're all the same Calvin! In one hour, the 6:30 Calvin will be ME, and in another hour, we'll BOTH be the 8:30 Calvin. That means you guys will suffer whatever you do to me. Oh yeah. Oops. Whose dumb idea was this anyway? His? His! The 7:30 Calvin says the others can't gang up on him because they're all the same Calvin. The 6:30 Calvin asks whose dumb idea this was. They all point to each other."
"We're back, but we didn't get the homework. Now it's 8:30 again and we're doomed. Here you go! Hobbes and I wrote a story for you while you were gone! You DID?? Ha ha! We're all done! We can go back to 6:30 now! Thanks, Hobbeses! You guys are life savers! Calvin? It's Mom! Hurry! Hobbes, get in! We'll be you in a couple hours! So long! Aren't you in bed yet? Don't come in! I'm... uh... changing into my PJs! The Calvins return to 8:30. The Hobbes' give Calvin the story. The 6:30 Calvin and Hobbes are going to return. Mom calls for Calvin. The 8:30 Calvin tells Mom not to come in. He's changing into his PJs."
"Did you write your story for class tomorrow? Sort of. What do you mean, 'sort of'? Well, Hobbes helped and I had to do a lot of time traveling. Is your story written or not? Oh, it's written. I just haven't read it. Mom asks if Calvin wrote his story. He says Hobbes helped, and he had to do a lot of time traveling. Mom asks if the story is written. Calvin says it is, but he hasn't read it."
"All right, Calvin, go ahead. What's YOUR story about? I don't know yet, but I'm sure it's good! My story is entitled, 'How Hobbes, the handsome tiger, saved the day... ...no thanks to Calvin, the time-traveling chowderhead.' WHAT?! Is there a problem? There WILL be for a certain stripey furball when I get home. Miss Wormwood asks Calvin to read his story. Calvin reads that Hobbes, the handsome tiger, saves the day. He reads that Calvin is a time traveling chowderhead. Miss Wormwood asks if there's a problem. Calvin says there will be for a stripey furball when he gets home."
"OK, YOU! Me?? This story you wrote is about ME trying to get OUT of writing the STORY! You made my time traveling sound like LUNACY! And the illustration You drew the THREE of me fighting! I was the laughing-stock of the whole class! What grade did it get? Um... A+. She wrote, 'Very creative. The 'tiger' narration was a clever touch. I'm glad you're finally applying yourself.' ... BUT EVEN SO...!! A+? Maybe I should send this to the New Yorker. At home, Calvin complains to Hobbes about the story saying Calvin tried to get out of writing the story by time traveling. Calvin complains the drawing was of three of him fighting. He says he was a laughingstock. Hobbes asks what grade he got. Calvin says it was an 'A+'. Miss Wormwood wrote the 'tiger' narration was a clever touch and is glad he's finally applying himself. Hobbes thinks he should send it to the New Yorker."
"A solitary zokk circles high in the sweltering skies of a desert planet. Below, a thin plume of smoke rises from the wreckage of a small, red spacecraft. Our hero, the intrepid Spaceman Spiff, crawls across the sunbaked land! He... he must find shelter! Wait! Something is approaching! Is it a mirage? Goodness, put on some sun screen and wear a hat if you're going to be out here. Honestly, show a little common sense. And don't give me that look. Spiff survives, fixes his ship and sets off to find a more temperate planet with fewer aliens. Calvin, the commercial pilot, decides to see the Grand Canyon...up close. The jet flies into the canyon. Tourists on the rim wave at Calvin's screaming passengers. After pulling out, Calvin says everyone will be glad later that Calvin took the scenic detour. In the car's back seat, Calvin says if he was driving that's where they would go. Mom says Calvin's not driving, and Arizona is not on the way to the grocery store."
"Baseball is an intelligent sport. There's more to it than brute force. It may seem slow, but that's because it's a thinking man's game. There's a lot of strategy to consider. Especially the way WE play! Right! Now, the first person to discover twelfth base gets a ghost point and one free 'Get out of jail'... Calvin says baseball is an intelligent sport. He says it may seem slow, but that's because it's a thinking man's game. There's a lot of strategy to consider. Hobbes says 'especially the way we play'. Calvin says the first person to discover 12th base gets a ghost point and one free 'get out of jail' pass."
"You'll be proud to know I'm going to donate all the snot I sneeze to hospitals for mucus transfusions. Oh stop being disgusting, Calvin! Nobody needs THAT donated! What an idea! Oh. I have a jar for you to wash. At the dinner table, Calvin tells Mom he's donating all the snot he sneezes to hospitals for mucus transfusions. Mom says nobody needs that donated. Calvin keeps eating. He tells her he has a jar for her to wash."
"Dad, where do babies come from? Is it true a stork leaves them swaddled in a bundle on the front step? In most cases, yes, but YOU were unceremoniously dumped down the chimney by a big, hairy pterodactyl. COOL! Explains a lot, doesn't it? Calvin asks Dad if babies come from a stork leaving them swaddled on the front step. Dad says that's true in most cases, but that Calvin was dumped unceremoniously down the chimney by a hairy pterodactyl. Calvin thinks that's cool. Dad says that explains a lot."
"All? Eez thees der pooblic lahbrorry? Yah! I em beeg eemportant rezearcher oond I require eenglish voolgar zynonyms for disgustink body vunktions, yah? Allo? Allo? No luck? Those librarians are a sharp bunch. Calvin calls the library with a disguised voice. He is looking for vulgar synonyms for body functions. They hang up on him. Calvin tells Hobbes librarians are a sharp bunch."
"This town just ain't big enough few the both of us! Yep, I reckon we'll have to annex part o' the county! Mom won't let us play with guns. I get to be the zoning board! Calvin and Hobbes have on cowboy hats. Calvin says the town isn't big enough for the two of them. Hobbes says they'll have to annex part of the county. As they look at a map, Calvin says Mom won't let them play with guns. Hobbes wants to be the zoning board."
"BUH-URRRRRRRRRRP! Good HEAVENS, Calvin! What do you say after that?! Great diaphragm control, huh? She'll be sorry when I'm a famous soloist for the orchestra. Maybe she thinks your pitch is off. Calvin belches at the dinner table. Mom asks what he says after that. Calvin offers 'Great diaphragm control'. In bed, Calvin says she'll be sorry when he's a famous soloist for the orchestra. Hobbes wonders if Mom thinks his pitch is off."