"Your Mom didn't care much about the lunar sanction of your no-homework policy, did she? Hmph. Well, my horoscope said, 'Many key policies will be implement.' Not ALL of them. Besides, it says to expect a turnabout in my favor. Mom will relent next time for sure. What are your other key policies then? No baths, stay up late, don't go to school... THESE are the ones that will be implemented. Maybe the astrologer was looking through the wrong end of the telescope. C'mon moon, do your stuff! Calvin is doing homework. Hobbes says Mom didn't care about the lunar sanction of his no homework policy. Calvin says the horoscope said many of his policies would be implemented, not all of them. It says to expect a turnabout in his favor. Calvin figures that means Mom will relent next time. Hobbes asks what Calvin's other key policies are. No baths, don't go to school, stay up late. Those are the ones that will be implemented. Hobbes wonders if the astrologer was looking through the wrong end of the telescope."
"I thought I told you to take your bath. Sorry, Mom. You have no say in this. You're in for a big surprise, buster. Circumstances are going to turn in my favor! That's what my horosscope says! All human affairs are determined by stars and planets, and today they say my key policies will be implemented. That means no bath and no bedtime! By golly, it's not good to thwart the intentions of the universe! Fate just isn't what it used to be. Mom tells Calvin to take a bath, but Calvin says she has no say in the matter. Mom pushes him along. He says his horoscope says circumstances will turn in his favor. He says all human affairs are determined by stars and planets. They say his key policies will be implemented. That means no bath and no bedtime. In the tub, Calvin says it's not good to thwart the intentions of the universe."
"I don't understand this! Not a single part of my horoscope came true! My policies weren't implemented and circumstances didn't turn in my favor! Just the opposite, in fact! What went wrong?! I thought this stuff was based on planets and stars! How could those be misread? What kind of science IS this?! I'm sure any scientist would give you a categorical answer. Maybe tomorrow's horoscope will run a correction and apology. Calvin complains that not a single part of his horoscope came true. He wonders what went wrong. How could planets and stars be misread? What kind of science is this? Calvin wonders if tomorrow's horoscope will run a correction and apology."
"Did today's horoscope print a retraction of yesterday's prediction? No, there's just a new one for today. What's it say? Yours says, 'Popularity zooms upward. New encounters pay big dividends.' Hmm, that's good. Wait, it goes on. 'Emphasize romance. Opposite sex finds you irresistible. Lucky day for love.' OH NO! I bet I know what the big dividends are! Woo woo woo!"
"Whatcha doin'? Getting rich! Really? Yep. I'm writing a self-help book! There's a huge market for this stuff. First, you convince people there's something wrong with them. That's easy because advertising has already conditioned people to feel more insecure about their weight, looks, social status, sex appeal, and so on. Next, you convince them that the problem is not their fault and that they're victims of larger forces. That's easy, because it's what people believe anyway. Nobody wants to be responsible for his own situation. Finally, you convince them that with your expert advice and encouragement, they can conquer their problem and be happy! Ingenious. What problem will YOU help people solve? Their addiction to self-help books! My book is called 'Shut Up And Stop Whining: How To Do Something With Your Life Besides Think About Yourself.' You probably should wait for the advance before you buy anything. The trouble is... if my program works, I won't be able to write a sequel. Walking in the woods, Calvin says it's strange evolution would give them a sense of humor. He thinks it's weird they have a physiological response to absurdity. He asks Hobbes if it isn't odd they appreciate absurdity. He asks how a sense of humor benefits them. Hobbes offers that if they couldn't laugh at things that don't make sense, they couldn't react to a lot of life. Hobbes walks off. Calvin says he can't tell if that's funny or really scary."
"Don't make me go to school! Please don't make me! Help! Leggo! Ow! Stop! You don't understand! My horoscope says I'm irresistible to girls today! I'm too popular! I'm going to get big dividends! Augghhh! What if Susie kisses me?! I don't want romance! I hate Susie! Call me in sick! Help! Dear, I got him! Grab his feet while I pry his fingers loose! PUH-LEEZE!! I wonder what it would cost to rent a place in town. Mom chases Calvin to go to school. He complains his horoscope says he's irresistible to girls today. He keeps running, asking what if Susie kisses him. Dad watches all this while reading the paper. Mom catches Calvin and yells for Dad to get his feet while she pries his fingers loose. Dad wonders what it would cost to rent a place in town."
"Maybe today's horoscope won't come true. I don't WANT a lucky day for love! 'Opposite sex finds you irresistible.' Hee hee hee! I don't believe in astrology any more! It's all phony! Yeah, that's right! Much smoochies! Mm-mm! Yow wow! Stop it! Yesterday's predictions didn't come true, so I'm sure today's won't either! I'm not worried! When's the wedding?? Should I wear my spats?? In a minute, you'll be wearing a BODY CAST! TRY it, lover boy! We'll see how you kiss girls with a fat lip! At the bus stop, Calvin says maybe today's horoscope won't come true. Hobbes teases him about the horoscope saying 'opposite sex finds you irresistible'. Calvin says he doesn't believe it astrology anymore. It's all phony. Hobbes keeps teasing Calvin. Calvin says yesterday's prediction didn't come true, so today's won't either. Hobbes asks when the wedding is. He asks if he should wear his spats. Calvin starts fighting with Hobbes, saying Hobbes will be wearing a body cast. Hobbes says they'll see how Calvin kisses girls with a fat lip."
"Take it back! I'm never getting married! Never! Love 'em and leave 'em, eh? You rake! That does it! I'm gonna knock you into next week! Wait! Wait! Susie's coming! What? She is? AUGH! She IS! I've got to discourage romance! You can't! Smoldering passion is your fate! Gosh, Calvin, the dirt covering your features is a big improvement. Oh no, it's true! I'm a love magnet! They continue fighting, while Calvin says he's never getting married. Here come Susie. Calvin says he has to discourage romance. Hobbes says smoldering passion is his fate. Susie says the dirt covering Calvin's features is a big improvement. Calvin whispers that it's true. He's a love magnet."
"Stay away, Susie! I don't want any big dividends, got it? Don't listen to Hobbes! What? The stars and the planets are doing this! I can't help it! My aura is uncontrollable! What? It's the bus! The bus is here! Whee! I'm safe! You can't do anything now! Ha ha! I'm off to school! Hoorayy! What? The way Calvin's brain is wired, you can almost hear the fuses blowing. Calvin tells Susie to stay away. He says the stars and planets are doing this. His aura is uncontrollable. Susie wonders what he's talking about. Calvin races to the bus, saying he's safe. He's happy he's off to school. Susie walks to the bus, saying the way Calvin's brain is wired, you can almost hear the fuses blowing."
"So Susie didn't kiss you today? Nope! In fact, I put a worm in her hair, she knocked me down and kicked me in the shins! That doesn't sound like zooming popularity. Nope! My horoscope was completely wrong again! The planets obviously have no influence on me! What a relief to know my life isn't controlled by outside forces! I'm the master of my own fate! ... to a point, of course. The paper should print MOM's daily predictions. THOSE sure come true. Hobbes asks Calvin if Susie kissed him. Calvin says that after he put the worm in her hair, she knocked him down and kicked him. Calvin says his horoscope was completely wrong again. The planets have no influence on him. He says it's a relief to know his life isn't controlled by outside forces. He's a master of his own fate. Later, in the bathtub, Hobbes adds that is true, to a point. Calvin says Mom's predictions should be in the paper. Those sure come true."
"I've been thinking about this astrology stuff. Everyone wants to know what the future holds, but you just have to wait till it happens. So really, the best preparation for the future is to take the present and ... WHOOP! AAUGHH! ... think about what you're doing? No, get yourself a good luck charm. Man, here comes ANOTHER bath! Calvin says everyone wants to know what the future holds, but you have to wait until it happens. The best preparation is to take the present, and.... Calvin trips over a rock and falls into some mud. Hobbes finishes the sentence with ...think about what you're doing. Calvin gets up and tells Hobbes no, ...get yourself a good luck charm."
"HELP HELP ACK OFF MMF! UMF GAKK RRRGGH Grrrr YIPE! WAAAA! SCREEECH NNNG AAAAAAAAAAAA. Thanks for the helmet, Dad. Do they sell long-range offensive weapons? Looks like you've been building some character! Calvin looks like a childishly drawn person with stick fingers. What has happened to Calvin? He is a crude black outline barely containing garish color. His eyes don't point the same direction. His nostrils look like a pig's. His hands are balls with sticks in them. His feet face out sideways. How can he stand up? His face shows no spark of intelligence. What can be done? He suddenly has a beard and horns. Then he's scribbled upon. Calvin yells that he hates drawing. He says it's a waste of time. Hobbes thought it was getting pretty good at the end."
"Hey Mom, can I get some plastic surgery? All the celebrities do it! Honey, celebrities need the fat sucked out of their brains, not their bottoms. What on earth do you want changed? You're fine the way you are! I want another eye put in my forehead. Calvin asks if he can get plastic surgery like all the celebrities do. Mom tells him celebrities need the fat sucked out of their brains, not their bottoms. She says he's fine the way he is. Calvin tells her he wants another eye in his forehead."
"I think we need a new policy in this house. And what's that? From now on, whenever you tell me things, I don't want to hear any reasons, explanations, subtlety or context. I just want ten-second sound bites, OK? So much for THAT policy. Calvin tells Dad they need a new policy in the house. Whenever Dad tells him things, Calvin doesn't want any explanations. He only wants ten second sound bites. Calvin walks off, covering his ears. He says 'So much for that policy'."
"For school, we're supposed to write a paragraph about what our Dads do. 'Dad: the paragraph'. Catchy title, huh? 'What does my Dad do? Mostly, he gets on my nerves. The end.' You may get a point for succinctness. Well, what else is there to say?! Calvin is supposed to write a paragraph about what Dads do. Hobbes reads the paper. 'Mostly he gets on my nerves. The end'. Hobbes suggests he might get a point for succinctness. Calvin asks what else there is to say."
"Bad news, Dad. The character issue is killing you in the polls. WHAT character issue?! I've got GREAT character! I've got character up to here! That's what we hate. My only flaw is a preternatural intolerence of pesky kids. Calvin's poll says the character issue is killing Dad. Dad says he's got great character. Calvin says that's what he they hate. Dad says his only flaw is a preternatural intolerance of pesky kids."
"Paul Gauguin asked, 'Whence do we come? What are we? Where are we going?' Well, I don't know about anyone else, but I came from my room, I'm a kid with big plans, and I'm going outside! See ya later! Say, who the heck is Paul Gauguin anyway? Calvin quotes Paul Gauguin to Mom. He asks 'whence do we come? what are we? where are we going?' He walks away saying he came from his room, he's a kid with big plans, and he's going outside. Mom looks up puzzled. Calvin asks who Paul Gauguin is anyway."
"Look at THIS, Dad! I've got five dollars in here! I'm rich! I've been saving my change for weeks and weeks, and look how much I've got! Guess what I'm going to do with it! Open a savings account? I'll bet I know why you guys don't get invited to parties. Every time you make a deposit, you can think, 'Oh boy, another two minutes at college.' Calvin shows Dad five dollars in his jar. He says he's rich. Calvin says he's been saving for weeks. Dad asks if he's going to open a savings account. Calvin looks at the money. He tells Dad he knows why he and Mom don't get invited to parties. Dad says every time he makes a deposit, he can think 'another two minutes at college'."
"I love summer! Three whole months with no responsibilities! There's nothing we have to do! They say idle hands are the devil's workshop. I resent that! We work darn hard at this. Calvin stands outside yelling at the skies to stop raining. As the rain intensifies, he says it's man against the elements. It's his wits against nature's force. Calvin yells for the sky to do its worst. He defies nature on behalf of all earthly life. He takes off his clothes and splashes around. He laughs. Then it starts hailing. He yells that's fighting dirty. He runs to the house, yelling that he quits. Mom opens the door for him and says there's an explanation for this, and she doesn't want to hear it. Calvin says the universe has an attitude."
"My gum has lost its flavor. When that happens, I don't spit it out. I just add a new piece. After a few packs, it's like chewing a big, soggy sock! My jaws ache and I can't close my lips, so I wheeze through my open mouth and drool! An orifice is an amusing thing, all right. Ith funny how you neffa thee gwown-upth do thith. Calvin tells Hobbes his gum has lost its flavor. He adds another piece instead of spitting the old one out. After a few packs, it's like chewing a big, soggy sock. Hobbes is disgusted. He says an orifice is an amusing thing, all right."
"Oh boy, the new issue of 'Chewing'! You get a magazine? Wow, this looks great! 'Special sugarless gum issue - hcoosing an artificial sweetener that's right for YOU... Tongue exercises for bigger bubbles... Rad fashion kneepads for walking and chewing... PLUS an interview with Bazooka Joe!' See, it's all target marketing! Advertisers don't waste their time on mass audiences any more. They find your special interest and they nail you! As if advertising wasn't intrusive enough before. Ooh, the '92 spearmints are out! I gotta get to a store! Calvin gets the new issue of Chewing magazine. He reads the cover to find the different stories. Tongue exercises, fashion kneepads, and an interview with Bazooka Joe. Calvin explains to Hobbes it's all target marketing. They find your special interest and nail you. Hobbes comments that advertising was intrusive enough before. Calvin sees the '92 Spearmints are out. He has to get to a store."
"I can't believe there's a magazine for gum chewers. Heck, there must be a DOZEN such magazines. Each appeals to a different faction. 'Chewing' is high-gloss, literate and sophisticated. 'Gum Action' goes for the gonzo chewers. 'Chewers Illustrated' aims at the vintage gum collectors, and so on! Each one encourages you to think you belong to an elite clique, so advertisers can appeal to your ego and get you to cultivate an image that sets you apart from the crowd. It's the divide and conquer trick. I wonder whatever happened to the melting pot. There's no money in it. Hobbes can't believe there's a magazine for gum chewers. Calvin explains there are many such magazines. Each one encourages you to think you belong to an elite clique. Hobbes wonders whatever happened to the melting pot. Calvin says there's no money in it."
"Here's an interesting article. The top five gum brands are compared in terms of flavor retention, elasticity, bubble capacity and chewing rebound. The computer graph shows the results, compensating for various saliva acidities. If you know your pH, this really helps you choose the proper gum for your chewing style. What kind of nut would CARE about all this?! EVERYONE! This is hard data! It lets you quantify your enjoyment! I thought fun was supposed be FUN. Well I prefer to trust the experts."
"Here's an ad for a new gum called 'Hyperbubble', and it says, 'If you're not chewing Hyperbubble, you might as well be chewing cud.' Ooh, great copy! Gosh, am I cool enough to chew Hyperbubble? Maybe I'm NOT! Maybe if you chew Hyperbubble, you BECOME cool! Or maybe if you chew it, everyone ASSUMES you're cool, is it doesn't matter if you are or not! What do you think? Should I buy some? If your emotional security depends on satisfying a need you didn't have until you read the ad, go ahead. I think I will! Boy, I'm glad I get this magazine! Calvin reads an ad for a new gum. He wonders if he's cool enough to chew it. He wonders if chewing it would make him cool. Calvin asks Hobbes if he should buy some. Hobbes tells him to do it if his emotional security depends on satisfying a need Calvin didn't have before reading the ad."
"YAHHH! RRGGHH munch munch munch. You're right. Food DOES taste better this way. Calvin peeks around a corner to see a box of Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs. He leaps on it, puts the box in his mouth, shakes the box, then eats the cereal. He tells Hobbes that he was right, food does taste better that way."
"The fearless Spaceman Spiff descends toward the mysterious planet below! Our hero's bizarrotron indicates the presence of aliens! Spiff sets out to investigate! Crouching behind a boulder, our hero hears alien voices... talking about HIM! BLORG GABLORD SPIFF! HA HA! Spiff bursts into the open, death ray blaster blansting! 'I'll give you something to talk about!' he yells! Excuse me a moment. Back in the darkness of outer space, Spiff reflects on his one miscalculation. Our hero resolves to revisit the planet, THIS time with more ammo! No sleep tonight, I see. Calvin feels rumbling. He looks outside to see brontosauruses walking past his house. He hops on the head of one and rides off. Calvin, with his stick horse, tells Mom he never gets to do anything really fun. Mom tells him that if he's bored, he can clean his room."
"As I, the maniacal tyrant, look down upon my mathetic subjects... I reflect on how their puny lives mean nothing to me except as the brute labor necessary to execute my mad designs! My lunatic whims are their laws! Ha ha ha! I thought I told you to gather the trash. Being a parent must be nice. Calvin has a crown and is standing in a treehouse. The maniacal tyrant looks at his pathetic subjects. Their lives mean nothing but labor necessary to execute his mad designs. Mom comes outside and tells Calvin she told him to gather the trash. Calvin carries a trash pail, saying being a parent must be nice."
"Outta my way, Twinky. A person can't be a doormat unless he allows himself to be one! I refuse to budge! SHOVE. Ack! Off! Ugh! I've got to stop reading those dumb advice columns. Moe threatens Calvin. Calvin refuses to budge, saying a person can't be a doormat unless he allows himself to be one. Moe pushes Calvin down and steps on him. Calvin says he has to stop reading those dumb advice columns."
"RINGG RINNG. Hello, we are unable to come to the phone right now... ...so please leave a message at the sound of the click. *CLICK* Calvin answers the phone by saying they can't come to the phone. He says to leave a message at the click. He hangs up the phone. CLICK!"
"Most people just muddle through their lives! They're passive and unmotivated! They lack ambition and drive! Not ME, though! I'm going to have an EPIC life! I'm going to wrestle the issue of the age and change the course of history! How are you going to do that? I'm going to sit here and wait, so opportunity will know where to find me when it's time to change the world. I wish I'd brought a book to read. Naah, it'll be any minute now. Calvin tells Hobbes most people muddle through their lives. He says he's going to have an epic life. He's going to wrestle the issues of the age and change history. Hobbes asks how he'll do that. Calvin explains he's going to sit and wait, so opportunity knows where to find him when it's time to change the world. Lying against the tree, Hobbes wishes he'd brought a book to read. Calvin says it will be any minute now."