"I wish I was still in bed. I'd hear the wind bowling the rain against the window panes and I'd pull the blankets up, get all toasty and cozy, and fall back asleep. Instead, I'm out here, cold and wet, waiting for the school bus to take me to the gulag. Yeah, I hope the sheets are still warm when I get back in. Rub it in, Hobbes. Calvin is standing in the rain, waiting for the bus. He tells Hobbes he wishes he was still in bed. He'd hear the wind blowing the rain against the windows, he'd pull the blankets up, he'd get cozy, and fall back asleep. He says instead, he's outside, cold and wet, waiting for the bus to take him to the gulag. Hobbes says he hopes the sheets are still warm when he gets back in. Calvin tells him to rub it in."
"Hey Dad, look at this commercial. How come you don't drive a cool sports car like that guy? That car costs $40,000. And look at the babe he's with. How come Mom doesn't dress like that? Yeah, why DON'T you dress like that? Because your adolescent fantasies require an adolescent model with implants, ... HONEY. Maybe you guys need to drink more beer. Calvin asks Dad to look at a commercial on television. He asks why Dad doesn't drive a cool sports car. Dad says that car costs $40,000. Calvin asks why Mom doesn't dress like the babe in the commercial. Dad asks Mom why she doesn't dress like that. Mom informs him his adolescent fantasies require an adolescent model with implants."
"Mom, can I have some money to buy a satan-worshiping, suicide-advocating heavy metal album? Calvin, the fact that these abnds haven't killed themselves in ritual self-sacrifice shows that they're just in it for the money like everyone else. It's all for effect. If you want to shock and provoke, be sincere about it. Mainstream commercial nihilism can't be trusted?! 'fraid not, kiddo. Childhood is so disillusioning. Calvin asks Mom if he can buy a Satan-worshipping, suicide-advocating, heavy metal album. Mom explains that since the bands haven't killed themselves in ritual self-sacrifice proves they're in it for the money, just like everyone else. She says if someone wants to shock and provoke, be sincere about it. Calvin asks if mainstream commercial nihilism can't be trusted. She says she's afraid not. Calvin says childhood is so disillusioning."
"People don't realize what a burden it is being a genius like me. It's not easy having a mind that operates on a higher plane than everyone else's! People just refuse to see that I'm the crux of all history, a boy of destiny! I suppose one could recognize a boy of destiny by his planet-and-star underpants. Another trenchant comment by a jealous lesser intellect. Calvin tells Hobbes people don't realize what a burden it is being a genius like him. He says it's not easy having a mind that operates on a higher plane than anyone else. He complains people refuse to see he's the crux of all history, a boy of destiny. Hobbes says he supposes one could recognize a boy of destiny by his planet-and-star underpants. Calvin says that's another trenchant comment by a jealous lesser intellect."
"Mom, from now on, I don't want to be introduced to people as plain 'Calvin'. I want to be introduced as 'Calvin, boy of destiny'. Boy of destiny?? But you have to say it right. Pause a little after 'boy', and say 'destiny' a bit slower and deeper for emphasis. Sai it, 'Boy... of DESSSTINY', like that! I think I'm going to stop introducing you altogether. I wish you had some cymbals to crash after you said it."
"Here's your paper, Susie. Very good. Here is yours, Calvin. By the way, you can stop signing your work 'Calvin, boy of destiny', and I think your time would be better spend studying than drawing 'official notary seals' at the bottom. Boy of destiny?! That's right. Boy of destiny! Everyone I know thinks your destiny is a private cage in the primate house. YOUR destiny is to have a smile that's all gums. Miss Wormwood hands back papers. She tells Calvin he can stop signing his work 'Calvin, boy of destiny'. She thinks his time would be better spent studying than drawing 'official notary seals' at the bottom. Susie asks about 'boy of destiny'. She says everyone she knows thinks Calvin's destiny is a private cage in the primate house. Calvin tells her that her destiny is to have a smile that is all gums."
"Wow! A dime! BONK! MMF OOF. He would just love me to believe that somersault was intentional and innocent. A paw, a back, whiskers. Hobbes is on the prowl. He sees Calvin. Calvin sees him, and starts to run. Hobbes tracks him down, leaps, and pounces on Calvin. They fight. Hobbes wakes up from his dream, gnawing on his pillow. He looks at the pillow, all torn to pieces. Calvin is looking at it in horror. Hobbes smiles, yawns, and goes back to sleep. Calvin pulls his covers up tight and looks at Hobbes with wide eyes."
"SMASH ping ping ping kritch krunch. He's a tricky devil, but I'll get him sooner or later! Apparantly I rate just below BUGS with her! And she complains you don't help out around the house. SMASH! Mom runs into the other room to see Calvin with a baseball bat. The chair is knocked over, and the lamp is broken. Calvin says he's a tricky devil, but he'll get him sooner or later. Mom throws Calvin outside. Sitting against a tree, Calvin tells Hobbes apparently he rates just below bugs with Mom. Hobbes says that she complains Calvin doesn't help around the house."
"Wimp! Oh... OH YEAH?? What REALLY bugs me is knowing I'll probably come up with a much sharper retort sometime tonight. Moe shoves Calvin down, calling him a wimp. Calvin shakes his fist at Moe and says 'Oh yeah'. He brushes himself off. Calvin says what really bugs him is knowing he'll probably come up with a much sharper retort sometime tonight."
"Calvin, can you tell us what Lewis and Clark did? No, but I can recite the secret superhero origin of each member of Captain Napalm's thermo-nuclear league of libery. See me after class, Calvin. I'm not dumb. I just have a command of thoroughly useless information. Miss Wormwood asks if Calvin can tell her what Lewis and Clark did. Calvin says no, but he offers to recite the secret superhero origin of each member of Captain Napalm's Thermonuclear League of Liberty. Miss Wormwood tells him to see her after class. Calvin dejectedly says he's not dumb. He just has a command of thoroughly useless information."
"Did you even read the history chapter I assigned? I tried to, Miss Wormwood. But the book publisher didn't use the proper print fixative. Needless to say, when I picked up the book, all the letters slid off the pages and fell on the floor in a heap of gibberish. I think my excuses need to be less extemporaenous. Miss Wormwood asks Calvin if he read the history chapter she assigned. Calvin says he tried, but the book publisher didn't use the proper print fixative. When he picked up the book, all the letters slid off the pages and fell on the floor. As he walks to the principal's office, Calvin says his excuses need to be less extemporaneous."
"County library? Reference desk, please? Hello? Yes, I need a word definition. Well, that's the problem. I don't know how to spell it and I'm not allowed to say it. Could you just rattle off all the swear words you know, and I'll stop you when... hello? See if I ever vote for their tax levies. Calvin calls the county library. He asks the reference desk for a word definition. He tells them he doesn't know how to spell it, and he's not allowed to say it. He suggests if they rattle off all the swear words they know, he'll stop them when he hears it. They hang up on him. He says they'll see if he ever votes for their tax levies."
"I don't need a bath! I can stay clean without one! Look, I'll LICK myself clean! That's what Hobbes does! See, I'm getting clean just like him! Nice going. Calvin runs from Mom, saying he doesn't need a bath. He says he'll lick himself clean. He says that's what Hobbes does. He says he's getting clean like him. Later, Calvin is wrapped in a towel, having had a bath. Hobbes looks out from the wash machine, where he, also, has been cleaned. He tells Calvin, 'Nice going'."
"That certainly was a grim spectacle. I LIKE breakfast on the run. But Mom, it's their NATURE! Why can't you eat at the table like a civilized human being?! Calvin darts out of the classroom. Spaceman Spiff flees his Bloatoid captors. He scrambles into his spacecraft. He hits the hyper-thrust drive. He's soon just another speck in the infinite sea of outer space. He's free to roam the heavens in man's noble quest to investigate the weirdness of the universe. Outside, Hobbes is happy Calvin could come home so early. Calvin suggests they go exploring and find some gross bugs. Inside, Mom answers the phone. The school tells her what happened."
"You have a question, Calvin? Yes! What assurance do I have that this education is adequately preparing me for the 21st century? Am I getting the skills I'll need to effectively compete in a tough, global economy? I want a high-paying job when I get out of here! I want opportunity! In that case, young man, I suggest you start working harder. What you get out of school depends on what you put into it. Oh. Then forget it. Calvin asks Miss Wormwood what assurance he has that this education is preparing him for the 21st century. He asks if he's getting the skills to effectively compete in a global economy. He wants a high-paying job when he gets out of school. Miss Wormwood suggests he start working harder. She explains you get out of school what you put into it. Calvin says to forget it then."
"Whatcha doing? Dad wants to mow the lawn, so he's making me pick up sticks. He said I might learn something about the satisfaction that comes from a job well done. And did you? I suppose so. I think he's trying to tell me there is none. Calvin is picking up sticks in the yard. Dad wants to mow the lawn. Dad told Calvin he might learn something about the satisfaction that comes from a job well done. Hobbes asks if he did. Calvin says he supposes so. He thinks Dad is trying to tell him there is none."
"My tiger is deep in somnolent sleep, dreaming of chases remembered! His keen eyes are glinting! He dreams of a sprinting Sambar who'll soon be dismembered! Hmmmmmmm Hobbes lies on the ground dozing, while Calvin stands behind him. Calvin tells a short poem about his tiger being asleep, dreaming of a sprinting sambar who'll soon be dismembered. Calvin walks away, while Hobbes hums contentedly in his sleep."
"This article says that by age six, most children have watched 5,000 hours of TV - a quarter of their waking lives! I haven't watched that much! Think of all the great shows I've missed! I've been deprived of cultural references! I'm ignorant of countless amazing products! Hurry! If I watch TV until bedtime, I can get in a few precious extra hours and catch up a bit! Remedial vegetation. Help me learn this theme song, OK? Calvin says an article he's reading says by age six, most children have watched 5000 hours of TV. Calvin says he hasn't watched that much. He complains about being deprived of cultural references and being ignorant of countless amazing products. He rushes off saying he can get in a few extra hours of TV watching before bedtime. As Calvin watches TV, Hobbes says it's remedial vegetation."
"I think our newspaper needs a new advice columnist, so I'm applying for the job. See, I've written some sample answers to people who write in. 'Stop whining and get a life, bozo.' 'Don't tell ME your stupid problems. I've got plenty of my own.' 'Go soak your head, you big baby.' 'Want some advice? Drop dead.' I guess that covers about everything. Can you imagine doing this for MONEY? What a racket! Calvin applies for a job as a newspaper advice columnist. He shows Hobbes some sample answers to people who write in. Hobbes reads 'Stop whining and get a life, Bozo'. He reads three others that read much the same way. Hobbes tells him that covers about everything. Calvin asks if he can imagine doing that for money. He calls it a racket."
"Oh man, there goes the game! What a dumb sport. I hate baseball. What's the use of trying? I haven't started around the ba-ases yet! Huh? La de da da! I'm walkinnnngg! Oh, look at the pretty flower! I think I'll stop and smell it! Uh oh! My shoes untied! Better have a seat and tie it! Now I'm hopping backwards! Look at me! I'm crawling! I'm a tiny little inchworm, moving an inch at a time! Inchy-squinchy! Inchy-squinchy! AAAIEEE Whoop! Too late! Home run! Stitches for Hobbes, bandages for you... how on earth do you DO this to yourself? Don't feel sorry for HIM! He -ow- DESERVED it! Calvin gets out of bed and gets dressed. Suddenly, a wind starts blowing his clothes off, rolls him back into bed, and covers him up. Mom comes in complaining he hasn't gotten up. Calvin tries to explain."
"Do you believe in the devil? You know, a supreme evil being dedicated to the temptation, corruption, and destruction of man? I'm not sure man needs the help. You just can't talk to animals about these things. Calvin asks Hobbes if he believes in the devil, a being dedicated to the corruption and destruction of man. Hobbes tells him he isn't sure man needs the help. Calvin says you just can't talk to animals about these things."
"What's this? Try it. What's in here? Grubs?? Try it. That means I'm going to hate it, right? JUST TRY IT! She's mad because I broke her code. At the dinner table, Calvin asks what the dinner is. Mom tells him to try it. He asks if grubs are in it. Mom tells him to try it. Calvin holds his nose and asks if that means he's going to hate it. Mom yells for him to try it. Calvin says she's mad because he broke her code."
"If I've learned one thing in life, it's that everyone has his price. Raise the ante high enough, and there's no such thing as scruples! People will do ANYthing if the price is right! What's YOUR price? Two bucks cold cash up front. I don't know which is worse... that everyone has his price, or that the price is always so low. I'd make mine higher, but it's hard to find buyers as it is. Going down the hill in the wagon, Calvin says he's learned that everyone has his prices. If you raise the ante enough, there's no such thing as scruples. People will do anything if the price is right. Hobbes asks what his price is. Calvin tells him two bucks cash, up front. Hobbes doesn't know which is worse, that everyone has a price or that the price is always so low. Calvin offers that he'd make his price higher, but it's hard finding buyers as it is."
"Whatcha doin', Dad? I'm busy trying to fix something. Why bother? On the rare occasions when you know what the problem is, you usually make it worse and hurt yourself in the process! I wish I'd noticed the bandage on his hand before I said that. Calvin asks Dad what he's doing. Dad tells him that he's fixing something (his bicycle). Calvin asks why he bothers. He says when Dad rarely knows what the problem is, then makes it worse and hurts himself in the process. Calvin runs as tools are thrown at him. Calvin says he wishes he'd noticed the bandage on Dad's hand before he said that."
"I'm going on a bike ride. What's so funny? Nothing. Have a good time. Look, I didn't design this outfit! It's PRACTICAL! Hey Dad, how'd you get your head stuck in a bowling ball? Ha! Next time, I'll squirt them both with my water bottle. Dad says he's going on a bike ride. He stands with his helmet, fanny pack, and riding shorts. Mom chuckles, and Dad asks what's so funny. Dad says he didn't design his outfit, it's practical. Calvin asks how he got his head stuck in a bowling ball. Dad rides off saying, next time he's going to squirt them with his water bottle."
"Tigers have no ambition, no drive! They don't accomplish anything! How do you justify yourself?! Hobbes lies on the floor, while Calvin says tigers have no ambition or drive. He asks Hobbes how he justifies himself. Hobbes keeps lying there. Calvin joins him, and they both lie down."
"No text Calvin asks Susie to do him a big favor. He asks her to go to his house, open the front door, and yell that she's home. Susie asks why. Calvin says it's just a dare. Susie doesn't want to. Calvin gives her a quarter to do it. Calvin stands at the bottom of the steps as Susie opens the door. He knows this is going to be great. Susie yells 'I'm"
"I've decided to believe in astrology and horoscopes. Really? You bet. It only makes sense that every facet of our daily lives should depend upon the position of celestial bodies hundreds of millions of miles away. Look here. Today I'll have 'many key policies implemented'. I get to have my way! Oh those mischievous planets. The newspaper couldn't print it if it weren't true! Calvin decides he'll believe in astrology and horoscopes. He says it only makes sense every facet of their daily lives should depend on the position of celestial bodies millions of miles away. Calvin points to the paper, which has a horoscope which reads 'Many key policies implemented'. He says he has to have his way. Hobbes can't believe those mischievous planets. Calvin says the newspaper couldn't print it if it wasn't true."
"My horoscope says, 'Turnabout means circumstances in your favour. Assert views in a confident manner. Lunar cycle high, many of your key policies will be implemented.' Isn't that great? Today I'm fated to get my way! The heavens decree it! So what are your 'key policies'? First, obviously, is 'Don't do homework.' C'mon, let's go out and play! Here comes your Mom and it looks like she has a bone to pick with the moon. Ha! Watch me assert my views in a confident manner! Calvin reads his horoscope. He says he's fated to get his way. Hobbes asks what his key policies are. As they go outside to play, Calvin says the first is 'don't do homework'. Later, Hobbes notices Mom coming over. He says it looks like she has a bone to pick with the moon. Calvin says he'll assert his views in a confident manner."