"Here's the latest poll on your standing as 'Dad'. Wonderful. The good news is that you have a high name-recognition factor. All the household six-year-olds polled were able to identify you as 'Dad'. This recognition, however, is liked to the fact that your policies are universally deplored. There's talk of voting you out of office and making Mom 'Dad'. I see. And what do YOU know about this? My first act will be to make you do the cooking. Whoa! That changes everything. Calvin gives Dad the results of his latest poll. Calvin says Dad has a high name-recognition factor. Sadly, that recognition is due to the fact Dad's policies are universally deplored. Calvin says there is talk about voting him out of office and making Mom 'Dad'. Dad asks Mom what she knows about this. Mom says her first act will be to make Dad do the cooking. Calvin hastily says that changes everything."
"15 bucks a glass?! That's right! Want some? How do you justify charging 15 dollars? Supply and demand. Where's the demand?! I don't see any demand! There's LOTs of demand! Yeah? Sure! As the sole stockholder in this enterprise, I DEMAND monstrous profit on my investment! And as President and CEO of the company, I DEMAND an exorbitant annual salary. And as my own employee, I DEMAND a high hourly wage and all sorts of company benefits! And THEN there's overhead and actual production costs! But it looks like you just threw a lemon in some sludge water! Well, I have to cut expenses SOMEwhere if I want to stay competitive. What if I got sick from that? 'Caveat Emptor' is the motto we stand behind! I'd have to charge more to follow health and environment regulations. You're out of your mind. I'm going home to drink something else. Sure! Put me out of a job! It's you anti-business types who ruin the economy! I need to be subsidized. Calvin tells Hobbes there's no pride in craftsmanship anymore. Calvin explains most kids just mush a bunch of snow together to make a snowball. There's no time for aesthetics. But when he makes a snowball, it's a work of art. He looks at the snow and says it's a bit too powdery. It won't sting properly. He prefers a wetter snow. Something that will knock the wind out of the recipient. How much loose rubble is acceptable before it affects aerodynamics? Calvin says no one thinks of these things. It's a lost tradition. His snowballs are unique masterpieces. Calvin winds up and yells to Susie. She whirls around and hits Calvin with four snowballs. Lying on the snow, Calvin says it's a crass culture. Hobbes says artists always suffer."
"Dad's calling you. He wasn't? Huh! Well, Hobbes took your chair. Sorry. I like my chairs pre-warmed. You ow me. Calvin tells Mom that Dad's calling her. She leaves her chair. Mom comes back. Calvin acts surprised that Dad wasn't calling her. He had put Hobbes on the chair. He tells Mom that Hobbes took her chair. Mom leaves, and Hobbes tells Calvin that he likes his chairs pre-warmed."
"He knows I hate this. Calvin is building snowmen. As Dad gets home and comes up the walkway, there is a line of snowmen with stick arms saluting him. Dad says Calvin knows he hates this."
"This is my snow sculpture, 'Bourgeois Buffoon'. Can you believe Mom rejected my grant application to continue making these? Why do you need a grant? I'm on the cutting edge of art! My work deserves public support! What if the public doesn't like your work? They're not SUPPOSED to like it! This is avante-garde stuff! I'm criticizing the lowbrows who can't appreciate great art like this! But you'll take their money. What do you want me to do, suffer?!"
"This snowman doesn't look especially avant-garde. Actually, it's VERY avant-garde. This is my new art movement, 'neo-regionalism'. I'm appealing to popular nostalgia for the simple values of rural america 50 years ago. I figure the public will eat this up and I'll make a fortune. So how is this avant-garde? It's secretly ironic. Hobbes tells Calvin his latest snowman doesn't look avant-garde. It looks like a regular snowman with a pipe, hat, and shovel in its hand. Calvin says this is his new art movement, 'neo-regionalism'. He's appealing to popular nostalgia for the simple rural values of America 50 years ago. Calvin figures the public will love it, and he'll make a fortune. Hobbes asks how that's avant-garde. Calvin tells him it's secretly ironic."
"I've concluded that nothing bad I do is my fault. Oh? Right! Being young and impressionable, I'm the helpless victim of countless bad influences! An unwholesome culture panders to my undeveloped values and pushes me to maleficence. I take no responsibility for my behavior! I'm an innocent pawn! It's society's fault! Then you need to build more character. Go shovel the walk. These discussions never go where they're supposed to. Calvin tells Dad he concluded nothing bad he does is his fault. Calvin says he's the helpless victim of countless bad influences. Culture panders to his undeveloped values and pushes him to maleficence. He takes no responsibility for his actions. It's society's fault. Dad tells him he needs to build more character. He tells Calvin to shovel the walk. Outside, Calvin laments these discussions never go where they're supposed to."
"I see you with that snowball! Go ahead and throw it! I'm not scared! You couldn't hit the side of a barn! C'mon, throw it! I dare you! POW!! Seriously, you could never have done that if my taunts hadn't boosted your adrenalin. I can find only one of your socks. Calvin yells that he can see Hobbes with a snowball. He taunts Hobbes to throw it. He says Hobbes couldn't hit the side of a barn. POW! Lying on his back in the snow, Calvin tells Hobbes he couldn't have done that if Calvin hadn't boosted his adrenaline by taunting him."
"At 35,000 feet, the engines of Flight 430 explode for no reason! With plumes of dense smoke trailing from the wings, the giant aircraft plummets out of control! Meanwhile, a 50 car freight train hits a penny on the rail at 80 miles an hour and jumps the tracks, dragging half a million tons of metal into the air behind it! In a freak coincidence, both the jet and the train are converging on ONE SPOT.... where tectonic plates in the earth's crus have just begun to shift! That spot is the house of farmer Brown, who, at this moment, is unaware of a gas leak as he attempts to light his stove! As he strikes the match, he casually glances out the kitchen window. His eye twitches involuntarily. Can't we play something else? Calvin says that it seems the only time people go outside is to walk to their cars. He wonders if they're so sheltered and comfortable that they've lost touch with the natural world. Calvin asks Hobbes, as a wild animal close to nature, what they're put on earth to do. What is their purpose in life? Hobbes says they're here to devour each other alive. Calvin stands there. Inside the house, he's turning on the lights and turning up the heat."
"I read that Teddy Roosevelt once said, 'Do what you can with what you have where you are.' That's good advice. Of course, I doubt he was in the tub when he said that. In the bathtub, Calvin tells Hobbes that Teddy Roosevelt once said, 'Do what you can with what you have where you are'. Hobbes says that's good advice. Calvin doubts Teddy was in the tub when he said that."
"Shovel the walk! Shovel the walk! That's all I'm good for around here. What about my powerful intellect?! My budding genius is being squandered! I aspire to be more than brute slave labor! These hands! These amazing hands are destined to create unreamt-of wonders, yet here they're worn to the bone in unfulfilling drudgery! What a monstrous injustice! Geez, don't tell me lunch isn't ready! Calvin complains that all he is good for is to shovel the walk. He protests about his powerful intellect. He says his budding genius is being squandered. He looks at his hands, saying they're destined to created wonders, yet they're"
"DING DONG You really need professional help. What makes you think I did it?? Susie is playing in her house, and the doorbell rings. She answers it, to find a snowman's head on her step. She goes over to Calvin's house and tells him he needs professional help. Calvin asks what makes her think he did it."
What's wrong with Easter Island? I LIKE Easter Island. Dad looks at the row of giant snowman heads. Calvin asks what's wrong with Easter Island. He likes Easter Island.
"Hello, is this the hardware sotre? Yes, I'm wondering if you sell catapults. No?? Well, I'm looking for something that can deliver a 50-pound payload of snow on a small feminine target. Can you suggest something? Hello? I don't understand how some of these places stay in business. Calvin calls the hardware store, asking if they sell catapults. He says he's looking for something to deliver a 50pound payload of snow on a small feminine target. They hang up on him. As he walks off, he says he can't understand how some of these places stay in business."
"I don't think you have enough to do. Dad walks through the snow and sees a few miniature snowmen. As he walks, he sees more and more. He comes up to Calvin building a full-size snowman, with upraised stick arms, and an expression of a yell. Dad tells Calvin he doesn't think Calvin has enough to do."
"It all boils down to luck, Hobbes. Some people are born lucky and some people are born Unlucky. Either way, there's nothing you can do about it. You can't fight luck. We're headed for that cliff! YIKES! Bad luck! 'bye. See what I meen?! You go along, minding your own business, and suddenly your luck runs out. If you're-OW-unlucky, what can you do? OW! You're condemned to suffer! OW! Ooh, right in the pricker bushes. ...just like yesterday. Maybe my luck will change tomorrow. Mom yells for Calvin to wake up before he misses the bus. Calvin has a frown on his face. Dad says Mr. Sunshine has finally gotten up. Calvin forces a big, phony smile. He gets his cereal, pours it, and starts to eat. He still has the phony smile. Dad looks at him and says he's only kidding himself. Bedtime will be at 7:00. Calvin frowns and continues to eat his cereal. Dad thinks they should've adopted a 25-year-old with his own apartment."
"It all boils down to luck, Hobbes. Some people are born lucky and some people are born Unlucky. Either way, there's nothing you can do about it. You can't fight luck. We're headed for that cliff! YIKES! Bad luck! 'bye. See what I meen?! You go along, minding your own business, and suddenly your luck runs out. If you're-OW-unlucky, what can you do? OW! You're condemned to suffer! OW! Ooh, right in the pricker bushes. ...just like yesterday. Maybe my luck will change tomorrow. Calvin cheers because he's finally defeated Hobbes in checkers. He clenches his hands and declares himself the champion. He says he's the top of the heap. He looks at the checker board. He looks around and asks if this is all there is."
"If there are no questions, we'll move on to the next chapter. I have a question. Certainly, Calvin. What is it? What's the point of human existence? I meant any questions about the subject at hand. Oh. Frankly, I'd like to have the issue resolved before I expend any more energy on this. Miss Wormwood says they'll move to the next chapter if there are no more questions. Calvin asks what is the point of human existence. Miss Wormwood explains she meant any questions about the subject at hand. Calvin looks at his book and says he'd like to have the issue resolved before he expends any more energy on this."
"Ewww. Ewwww. Ewwwwww. EWWWWWW! Calvin looks at some mud and says 'Ewww'. He pokes it with a stick and says 'Ewwww'. He picks it up with the stick and says it again. Finally, he walks through the mud, smile on his face, saying 'Ewwwwwww'."
"Where ARE those darn boots? Calvin walks with muddy shoes to the closet. He goes up the stairs. He walks to another closet, still trailing muddy steps throughout the house. He asks where those darn boots are."
"Put on some nice clothes and let's go for a stroll! Calvin digs up a hole. He fills the hole with a pail of water. He stirs up the mud with a stick. He goes to Susie's house, and tells her to put some nice clothes on and they'll go for a stroll."
"It couldn't be avoided. Calvin digs a hole with the shovel. He fills the hole with water from the hose. He jumps in. As he enters the house while covered in mud, he tells Mom it couldn't be avoided."
"Hi Mom! Ha ha! I'm up! I'm up! HEY! Get back in bed! I mean it, Calvin! It's too late for this nonsense! Wheeee! I'm gonna watch TV! Ha ha ha! Calvin, stop this! You go straight to bed! NO! You're in big trouble, young man! You'll never catch me! GOTCHA! WAAUGH! I don't WANNA go to bed! I wanna stay UP! Put me down! Let go! I'm not tired! AAAAAA! Mom has to EARN a night's respite from me. Calvin asks Hobbes what he knows about love. Hobbes won't tell him. Calvin asks why he won't talk about it. Hobbes asks about the nice weather. Calvin is angry Hobbes won't tell him what he knows. Hobbes says maybe when Calvin is older. Calvin bets Hobbes doesn't know anything about love. That's why he won't tell him. Hobbes walks off suggesting Calvin should believe that if he wants. They fight, with Calvin demanding to know, and Hobbes refusing to tell. Calvin asks for a hint. Hobbes says 'snoogy-woogy wips'. Calvin is grossed out. Hobbes tells Calvin that he warned him he wasn't old enough."
"rrRumRumm beep beep - rrrrrr rrummm - aughh! - I don't understand why you have to take your clothes off to play cars. It's very weird. Just give 'em here. Ok? Calvin is playing with his toy truck and cars. Behind him, Hobbes pounces. Calvin is knocked out of his clothes. Mom brings Calvin his clothes, saying she doesn't understand why he has to take off his clothes to play cars. She says it's weird. Calvin, standing in his underwear with Hobbes next to him, tells Mom to just give him the clothes."
What time is it? Go look at the clock and see. What's the weather outside like today? Go step outside and see. How fast can our car go? Go... ...nice try. Phooey. Mom is reading in her chair. Calvin asks what time it is. Mom tells him to look at the clock and see. Calvin asks what the weather is like outside. Mom tells him to go outside and see. Calvin asks how fast their car can go. Mom starts to tell him to go...she stops. She tells Calvin it was a nice try. Calvin is dejected his plan didn't work.
"The problem with rock'n'roll is that the generation that created it is now the establishment. Rock pretends it's still rebellious with its video posturing, but who believes it? The stars are 45-year-old zillionaires or they endorse soft drinks! The 'revolution' is a capitalist industry! Give me a break! Fortunately I've found some protest music for TODAY's youth! This stuff really offends Mom and Dad! Easy-listening muzak? I play it real quiet, too. Calvin says the problem with rock-and-roll is that the generation that created it is now the establishment. He says rock pretends it's still rebellious with its video posturing, but the stars are zillionaires or they endorse soft drinks. The 'revolution' is a capitalist industry. Calvin says he's found some protest music for today's youth. He says this stuff really offends Mom and Dad. Hobbes listens to the easy-listening Muzak. He covers his ears. Calvin says he plays it real quiet, too."
"I don't want to go to school! I'd rather do ANYTHING than go to school! OK, how about if I go to school and YOU get a job? You'll like working till evening and being responsible for the subsistence of your family, with a whiny kid's griping for reward. It's nice to know there's so much in life to look forward to. Calvin yells that he doesn't want to go to school. He'd rather do anything than go to school. Dad suggests that he'll go to school, and Calvin can get a job. Dad says Calvin will like working till evening and being responsible for the subsistence of his family, with a whiny kid's griping for reward. Calvin waits for the school bus complaining it's nice to know there's so much in life to look forward to."
"I don't want to pay any dues in life. I want to be a one-in-a-million, overnight success! I want the world handed to me on a silver platter! Good luck. SURELY YOU CONCEDE I DESERVE IT! Calvin tells Hobbes he doesn't want to pay any dues in life. He wants to be an overnight success, with the world handed to him on a silver platter. Hobbes rolls his eyes, walks off, and says 'Good luck'. Calvin yells after him that surely he concedes Calvin deserves it."
"*snap* AUGH! Oops! Instinct kicked in before I knew that was you. YOU KNEW DARN WELL THAT WAS ME! Calvin walks along and steps on a twig. It snaps. Hobbes pounces on Calvin. Hobbes gets up saying instinct kicked in before he knew it was Calvin. Calvin, on the ground beneath Hobbes, yells that Hobbes knew darn well it was him."
"...BLECCHH... ! EEP! YIKES! HELLP!! WAAUGH! UGHH URGLE GACKKH ORG PLUTCH SPLUTCH BLUTCH URRRPP THPPTHH. Uggh, how revolting. At least it worked. Let's dance! Darling! YOU'RE TRYING TO KILL ME WITH THIS STUFF AREN'T YOU?! JUST ADMIT IT!! If you don't like it, don't eat it. But I'm not fixing you something different. In the back seat of the car, Calvin asks if they can't go any faster. Dad says he doesn't like to go any faster. Calvin asks if he can drive. Dad pulls over, then switches seats with Calvin. Off they go! They're airborne. Mom and Dad say they should have done this sooner. Calvin says they broke the speedometer. They're passing a jet. Calvin says he likes driving. Calvin sighs. He's in the back seat, asking Dad how much longer it will be."