"How do they know the load limit on bridges Dad? They drive bigger and bigger trucks over the bridge until it breaks. Then they weigh the last truck and rebuild the bridge. Oh. I should've guessed. Dear, if you don't know the answer. Just tell him!"
"It's hard to believe people still starve in this world. There's even hunger in America. Some people never get enough to eat. Boy, I know what that's like! No you don't."
"The soldiers advance up the hill! Oh, no! a squadron of bombers appears on the horizon! The bombs begin to fall! Bonk bonk. Two direct hits! I see you up there!"
"Look, Hobbes, you get a plastic trinket in boxes of 'Chocolate-Frosted Sugar Bombs'! It says, 'Be the first in your neighborhood to collect all ten colors.' Yeah, but Mom says she won't buy any more cereal until this box is gone. That shouldn't take more than a couple of hours, right? I dunno after five bowls, I get pretty wired."
"I wish Santa would publish the guidelines he uses for determining a kid's goodness. For example, how much does he weigh motives? Does he consider the kid's natural predisposition? I mean, if some sickeningly wholesome nerd LIKES being good, it's EASY for him to meet the standards! There's no challenge! Heck, anyone can be good if he WANTS to be! The true test of one's mettle is being good when one has an innate inclination towards evil. I think one good act by ME, even if it's just to get presents, should count as FIVE good acts by some sweet-tempered kid motivated by the pureness of his heart, don't you? HEY SUSIE! POW! Of course, in your case, the question is academic. I wanted to put a rock in the snowball, but I didn't! That should be worth a lot!"
"Calvin, your dad and I are going out tomorrow. So you'll be having a baby sitter. Oh no! not Rosalyn! I called eight people and she's the only one who would do it. Call some more! Call some more! Calvin, I spent half an hour on the phone already. Rosalyn's fine. 'Fine'?? she's a barracuda in a high school senior suit! I'm as good as dead! You remember Amy? She just laughed when I called her."
"Oh no! A knock at the door! The baby sitter must be here! Should we hide? No way. Baby sitters can smell fear in little kids. We'd be doomed. So we go on the offensive? Right. Here's a notepad and pencil. Oh boy, blackmail! Right, get to the upstairs phone when she calls her boyfriend."
"We're going Rosalyn. Help yourself to anything in the fridge. Ok, good-bye. Calvin? Are you upstairs? Wap wap. All right, kid! Bedtime for Bonzo!! What?! Get away! It's not even 6 o'clock!"
"I can't believe our baby sitter put us to bed! It's not even dark out! Well, she can put us to bed, but she can't make us sleep. You play the horn, and I'll accompany on tom-tom. Calvin, I just wanted to remind you that sleeping in a bed is a privilege. The basement is sure to be a lot less comfy. What did she mean 'the basement'? Shhh!"
"Rosalyn, we're going to be a little later than we expected, so I thought I'd better call you. That's fine. Calvin went to bed early, so I'm just holding down the fort. Who's on the phone? Is it my Mom? I want to talk to her! Mom! Mom! Can you hear me?! Come home now before it's too late! Help! Help! No, that's just the tv. I'll see you at 11:30 then. Enjoy the play."
"Sorry we're late, Rosalyn. Did you get Calvin to bed? Yes, but ... Mom! Dad! Is that you? I'm not asleep! Did you get rid of the baby sitter? Thank goodness you're home! Has he been this way all night? Well, his voice gave out about 11 o'clock but it seems to be If she's still here, don't pay her! Give her a little extra, will you dear? Is five enough? Could you make it eight? College tuition's are up."
I hate about them and how they should change. Some of us would be happy to reciprocate. Sorry. MY New Year's resolution is not to change a bit. Everybody makes the wrong kind of New Year's resolution. All they do is promise to stop bad habits and start good habits. What's wrong with that? It's not enough to change a few little habits! Everybody I know needs a complete personality overhaul! That's why I'll be spending the remaining days of this year telling people what
"Hello Susie. This is Calvin. I lost our homework assignment, can you tell me what we were supposed to read for tomorrow? Are you sure you're not calling for some other reason? Why else would I call you? Maybe"
"I'm home from school! Oof! Helloooo. Bonk bing boing. How's that for an enthusiastic greeting?? Sometimes I wish you'd just buy me one of those 'I missed you' cards."
"I've got a great idea for school tomorrow. I cut a ping-pong ball in half, and now I'm drawing dots on each end. I'll just put one over each eye, and it will look like I'm really paying attention. Or will I look too interested? I doubt it. I'm over here."
"Bad news on your polls Dad. You slipped another two notches. Things are looking grim for future office. Is that so? Any ideas on what would improve my standings? I need a VCR. Right, I'll keep that in mind. I hope you're reading the 'Help Wanted Section.'"
"Look, I got a letter I'm supposed to copy and send to 20 people for good luck. It's a chain letter. It says, 'A man in Denver made 20 copies and the next day he got a raise. A man in Seattle broke the chain and he went bald.' Ha! You believe that? These letters are for superstitious nincompoops. Throw it away. '... and a dumb kid like you listened to a friend and got run over by a cement mixer.'"
"It's a new year... a new beginning! New possibilities! This snowman represents the spirit of the new year. Looking ahead, he strides forward with confidence and determination! He challenges! He imagines! He invents! He calls forth the best qualities of the human drive and ingenuity! Very inspiring. Thanks you. ... and over here is the REAL world? Right. This is why we're always glad when the old year is over."
"I spelled 'Be' how many points do I get? Um ... 2 points. 2 points?! Is that @*#%! all?? My, this game does teach new words! See, I spelled 'zygomorphic' on a triple word score box. That's 150 points. All I've got is consonants. Your turn. Well, if I use your letter 'I' I can spell 'in'. That's 3 points. I pick out some new letters ... hmm ... with your 'n', I can spell 'nucleoplasm' that's, lets see, 40 points. All I've got is consonants. I'm not going to play this stupid game! I hate it!! What a waste of time! What should we play instead? Let's play poker. At least with cards you have half a chance. Ok, I bet a nickel. I'll see you ... and raise you 8 dollars."
"Calvin has mysteriously shrunk to the size of an insect! His only hope is to call for help! Pushing with all his might, Calvin dials the gigantic telephone. It's ringing! He runs to the mouthpiece! Will anyone be able to hear him?? Bzz bz! Bzzzz! Bzz bz! Bzz bz! Calvin, this had better not be you."
Fwooshhh. Greetings earth female. Do not be alarmed. Our planet is dying. We need cookies to survive. Do not try to resist or you will be destroyed. We'll see about that. Get back here.
"This Ouija board knows all and tells all. What should we ask it? Let's ask it which of us is smarter. Ok, go ahead. Oh great Ouija board. Who is smarter, Calvin or Hobbes? Quit resisting you! It's heading for the 'H'! Ha! It's obviously trying to (mmf) go to 'C', you cheater!"
"Let's ask the Ouija board another question. Ok, I've got one. Oh great Ouija board, will I grow up to be president? It's moving! 'G-O-D-F-O-R-B-I-D' When I want an editorial, I'll ask for it you stupid board!"
"How is it that this Ouija board knows all the answers to life's mysteries? Let's ask it. Oh great Ouija board. How do you know all the answers? It's moving! It's moving! What's it say? '3' You know, I didn't ask for this last Christmas. I asked for a computer."
"Glogga muck bluh Spiff! Spiff chug wunka! We join our hero, the courageous Spaceman Spiff, as he is pursued across the galaxy by hostile aliens! A bolt of Explode-o-Ray explodes behind him! The aliens are closing in! Spiff punches the accelerator and dives towards the mysterious world below! Blasting low over the planet's surface at near light speed, our hero is horrified to discover the aliens are still on his trail! Spiff has but one desperate chance! He flies through a tight arch, hoping the aliens will crash as they follow! Zounds! The ol' battleship is surprisingly maneuverable! Don't call me that! And you are going to bed if I have to chase you all night!"
"Behold the dreaded toboggan: suicide sled. It's unique design sends a blinding spray of snow on it's passengers at the slightest bump. Note too, the lack of any steering mechanism. Yes, this sled is truly a hazard to life and limb. Wheee! Oomph!"
"Boy, is it cold! Can't we turn the heat up? Heat is expensive Calvin. Just put on a sweater. Look, the thermostat goes all the way up to 90 degrees! We could be sitting around in our shorts. Leave the thermostat alone Calvin. I can almost see my breath. I'll just crank it up to 75, ok? I said don't touch it. Gee, my hands are so numb, I can't move the switch. Guess I'll put on a sweater."
"Ooh. You look cold Calvin! There's a fire made. Why don't you go warm up? Oh boy! Nothing beats sitting by a roaring fire after you've been out in the cold. Of course, some people say why bother going outside first?"