"With great effort, Calvin the human insect advances the paper in the typewriter. His only hope for proper medical treatment lies in his ability to write a legible message to his family! He craws to each key and jumps! Who wrote 'Help I'm a bug' on my letter to Grandma? Evidently some bug. How strange."
"What's this music? It's 'The 1812 Overture.' I kinda like it. Interesting percussion section. Those are the cannons. And they perform in crowded concert halls?? Gee. I thought classical music was boring!"
"Boy, what a day! I went to school. Played outside, and did my homework. I'm exhausted. You know what time it is now? Uh, 7:35. It's Miller time. Get back here."
"I just read this great science fiction story. It's about how machines take control of humans and turn them into zombie slaves! So instead of us controlling machines, they control us? Pretty scary idea. I'll say, hey! What time is it?? My TV show is on!"
"Mm, this dinner you fixed is delicious, honey. What is it? It's dog food. And don't call me 'honey'. You can't feed me DOG food! I'm the President of the United States! No, you're the President of the Deluded Fruitcakes Anonymous! Give me a break! You're just mad because you're the 'First Husband' and you have to vacuum the White House all day! I DO NOT! In fact, I'm not your husband at all! What are you doing?! Stop being such a little weirdo! Me WONGA-TAA, king of the jungle! Oh, nice underpants! You're really gross. Me off to jungle! Find tiger friend! Live with animals! I can run the country better without you! Good riddance, you moron! It take one to know one! Boy, am I glad to see YOU. Playing with Susie is a big waste of time. You wouldn't believe the junk she can imagine. Nice underpants. What do you mean Calvin left his clothes with Susie??"
"Tomorrow we're going to discuss 'current events' in school. Each of us has to find a newspaper article, read it to the class, and explain it. What article did you choose? This one. 'Space alien weds two-headed Elvis clone.' Actually, there's not much left to explain."
Look what you can do with big socks! Just put one over each ear and one over your nose. An elephant! Ha ha! I want some socks too! If I miss the bus. It's going to be unpleasant around here!
"Calvin, how did you break this dish! I was carrying too much and it dropped. Your problem is you've got no common sense. I've got plenty of common sense! I just choose to ignore it."
"I don't understand this business about death. If we're just going to die. What's the point of living? Well, there's seafood. I don't know why I even talk to you before dinner."
"I've decided I want to be a millionaire when I grow up. Well, you'll have to work pretty hard to get a million dollars. No, I won't you will. Me? I just wan to inherit it."
"The worst part about going to school is waiting for the bus. All you can do is stand here and imagine what's going to go wrong during the day. I bet we have a pop math quiz or something. Well, here comes the bus. Thanks for waiting with me. My pleasure. Boy, my lunch box seems light."
"What an awful job! This is the worst! Well somebody's got to do it. HEADS UP! BLORRP! Eeww! What's THIS?! Ugh, who can tell? KEEP STIRRING!! Oh no! It's bubbling up! AIEE! Chemical reaction!! LOOK OUT! RUN! RUN! IT'S GONNA BLOW! FOOM! BU-URRRPP!"
"As you can see, Spaceman Spiff, we have ways of extracting information from even the most uncooperative prisoners! Our hero, captured by Zorkons, eyes the diabolical instruments of torture! Very amusing."
"Where's my jacket? It's right on the floor where you left it. It's still on the floor? Why didn't you put it away? Gee, my own copy of the emancipation proclamation."
"Look, I can make shadows on the wall here's a dog. Hey, that's good! Here's a swan. Hmm ... that looks more like some bug eyed tentacled thing. Mommm!"
"It says on the back of this record that the composer could play the piano at age three. He wrote his first symphony when he was four. That's amazing. When I was four, I think I was toilet trained."
"Mom's not feeling well. So I'm making here a 'Get Well' card. That's thoughtful of you. See, on the front it says 'Get Well Soon.' And on the inside it says, 'Because my bed isn't made, my clothes need to be put away, and I'm hungry. Love, Calvin.' Want to sign it? Sure. I'm hungry too."
"Hi, Mom! Since you're sick. I'm bringing you breakfast in bed! I prepared eggs, toast and orange juice for you all by myself! How nice! The eggs kind of burned and stuck to the pan, but you can probably chip them out with this chisel. Um ... where is the toast and orange juice? Dad said not to tell you about that till your better."
"Since your Mom's sick. I'll be making dinner tonight. You can cook? As you can see, I survived two years of my own cooking when I had an apartment after college. Mom says you ate frozen waffles and canned soup three meals a day. Your Mom wasn't there, so she wouldn't know. Get the syrup out, will you?"
"Sometimes when I'm sick, you read me a story want me to read you one? No, thanks, Calvin. I just want to rest. It's hard to be a Mom for a Mom. You do fine, sweetie. Whoa! Hey! Are you contagious?!"
"What's wrong with your Mom, do you know? No, she went to the doctor today though. I wonder if ... nah. What? You don't suppose she's going to have a baby, do you? A baby?!? Why would she want another kid?? She's already got me! Yes. You'd think she'd have learned her lesson ..."
"I asked dad if mom was going to have a baby, and he said not that he knew of. Dad said we'd know if mom was having a kid because she'd look like a hippopotamus with a gland problem. ... that's when Mom creamed him with her pillow. Dad says she must be feeling better. You have weird parents."
"Want to trade sandwiches, Calvin? No, I've got my favorite kind. What did you bring? Peanut butter. I have processed mouse loaf. Oh, gross. That's not really mouse loaf. It looks like egg salad. Taste it and see. Here. I think this is a whisker, it's good. Forget it. I don't even want my own lunch anymore. You don't? what kind of cookies are those?"