"Ok ... everyone in the water! I refuse! I'm freezing already! Calvin, do you know what a 'Rat Tail' is? No. it's when you soak a towel and twist it up into a whip. It stings like crazy and is much worse than being cold. Get my drift? I always though lifeguards were just taught how to resuscitate people and things like that."
"This water is freezing! I'm going to go into shock and drown, I just know it. I bet the lifeguard is involved in some insurance scam and she's going to let us all drown like rats! Oh no! oh no! ok, first we're going to learn the 'deadmans float.' Mom!! Helpp! Helpp! What I put up with to pay for college."
Forty minutes of terror! Why did you sign me up for this? Why not something fun. Like hang gliding or sharpshooting? Or driving lessons! I could be taking driving lessons and learning something useful! How about piano lessons? You start Tuesday? Ack! No no no no no no no no no.
"Hi Calvin, what are you doing? Big important secret things! Go away! Get lost! All right, dandelion head! Who cares what you do anyway! We're doing great things. We're having fun! I thought we were bored out of our skulls. Oh hush. You don't know anything."
"That stupid Calvin. He's so mean. All I try to do is be friends, and he treats me like I'm nobody. Well, who needs jerks like him anyway? I don't need him for a friend. I can have fun by myself! Poop!"
"Susie, Hobbes thought I was rude, so I'm sorry, and you can come play with us if you want. Thanks, Calvin. That's really nice of you. Ok, we'll play house now. I'll be the high-powered executive wife, the tiger here can be my unemployed, housekeeping husband, and you can be our bratty and brainless kid in a day care center. This was your idea, pea brain. Don't you talk to your father that way! I'm off to wall street. Don't wait up."
"The aliens are gaining on our hero! In a surprise move, Spaceman Spiff shifts into reverse! The aliens roar ahead! Spiff shifts back into forward, and pursues the aliens! ... but the aliens have turned around and are headed straight for our hero! Spiff shifts into reverse! I'm getting sick."
Look at that thing in the dirt! It must be a fossil! I wonder what peculiar animal this was. But it's not a bone. It must be some primitive hunting weapon or eating utensil for cave men. Maybe it had some religious function. This explains why your clothes stay on the floor.
"Making a sign? I'm declaring the creek back in the woods 'Calvin's creek.' When you discover something, you're allowed to name it and put up a sign. But suppose you didn't discover that creek. Of course I did! Nobody else has a sign there, right?"
"Can Hobbes and I go play in the rain, Mom? No. why not? You'll get soaked. What's wrong with that? You could catch pneumonia, run up a terrible hospital bill, linger a few months, and die. I always forget. If you ask a mom, you get a worse-case scenario. I had no idea these little showers were so dangerous."
"Well dad, off to work? Too bad I'm on summer vacation, so I get to stay home and do whatever I want. Well, go off and join the rat race! Mom and I are racking up lots of expenses! Oog. I just do that to help him appreciate the weekends more."
"Hot day, isn't it? I'll say. But it's the humidity that really gets to me. You don't like it when it's humid? Not at all. Then you'd better get out quick."
"Recess! A school day break for play and exercise. Little does Susie realize how much exercise she is about to get! She turns at the sound of running feet behind her... have her friends come to join her? NO! It's a pack of ferocious deinonychus dinosaurs!! Screaming, Susie hurls herself towards the school doors, but the pack is closing in! With the grim efficiency of wild dogs, th epredators have a meal! Across the playground students huddle in stupefied horror! Which one of THEM will be next? Thus the weak and stupid are weeded out in a heartless, but essential, natural selection, keeping the human population in check. ... At least, that's how it OUGHT to be. Thank you for that tasteless and entirely uninformative report on overpopulation. See me after class. Ya like that, Susie?"
"Hi, Hobbes! Good heavens, what's wrong with you? Mom said if I keep making this face, it will freeze like this forever! You really think so? It's worth a try ... I'll bet my features are hardening already. I always liked gargoyles."
"Don't make faces at the table, Calvin. I can't help it. Mom said my face would freeze like this some day, and it just did. No, it didn't. it did, dad! Mom was right, I'm horribly disfigured for life. No, you aren't. but don't worry, I won't spoil dinner. See? Elephant man!"
"Here comes Susie. Ha! Won't she be horrified to see how our faces have tragically frozen! Hi, Susie. Hi, Calvin. What did you do, get your head stuck in a blender? It's an improvement."
"Are the coals hot? Yes, they're very hot I'm just about to put on the hamburgers. Before you do, could you toss in the can of lighter fluid and make a giant fireball? I've got the most boring dad in the world."
"With these snorkels, we can stay under the water indefinitely. Just think of all the fish we'll be able to see! We can collect shells! Let's go! We'll so far, this has been a major disappointment."
'"Add two eggs and stir'. Right. The recipe says it makes twenty pancakes, so we'll each get ten. Nah, that's too much trouble. We'll just make one big pancake and cut it in half."
"Dad, I want a bedime story! I'm busy, Calvin, I'll read you one tomorrow. If you don't read me a story, I won't go to bed! Once upon a time there was a boy named Calvin, who always wanted things his way. One day his dad got sick of it and locked him in the basement for the rest of his life. Everyone else lived happily ever after. The end. I don't like these stories with morals."
"Dinner's ready, Calvin. Come to the table. I'm watching television. No, you're not! Yes, I am. I'm right here in front of it! No you're not! Oh that's right. I'm at the table."