"Calvin, the commercial airline pilot, decides not to fly to St. Louis as scheduled! Calvin doesn't WANT to see St. Louis. Calvin wants to see the GRAND CANYON! Tourists on the rim wave to Calvin's screaming passengers as the jet roars into the gorge! ... UP CLOSE! What a view! It's an experience none will ever forget! Everyone will be glad later that Calvin took this scenic detour! If I was driving, that's where we'd go. Well, you're NOT driving, and Arizona is NOT on the way to the grocery store. Calvin sighs and looks at his pile of green dinner on his plate. He starts to shape it. He grabs some lettuce and some cereal. He keeps working on it. He turns it around and makes a face. The food is shaped into the same face, with cereal teeth and lettuce hair. Dad yells at Calvin. Calvin sighs and looks at his pile of green dinner on his plate."
"Attention! All rise! This meeting of G.R.O.S.S. is now called to order by the great grandiose dictatorfor-life, the ruler supreme, the fearless, the brave, the held-high-in-esteem, Calvin the Bold! Yes, stand up and hail his humbleness now! May his wisdom prevail! Three cheers for First Tiger and El Presidente, Hobbes, the delight of all cognoscenti! He's savvy! He has a prodigious IQ, and lots of panache, as all tigers do! In his fancy chapeau, he's a leader with taste! May his orders be heeded and his views embraced! You can tell this is a great club by the way we start our meetings! Calvin calls the meeting of G.R.O.S.S. to order with a poem. He's dictator-for-life, ruler supreme, fearless, brave, and held high in esteem. Calvin the Bold, stand up and hail. His humbleness now, may his wisdom prevail. Hobbes joins in, as first tiger and el presidente. He's the delight of all cognoscenti. He has a prodigious IQ, and lots of panache, as all tigers do. He's a leader with taste, whose views must be embraced. Calvin says you can tell this is a great club by the way they start their meetings."
"This meeting of the Get Rid Of Slimy girlS club is now in session! First Tiger Hobbes will present our financial report. Wait, we didn't sing the G.R.O.S.S. anthem. We sing that at the END of the meeting. I want to sing it NOW. We can't. We have to follow proper protocol! See? It says on the agenda that we sing the anthem LAST! Ohhohh GROHOSS BEST CLUB IN THE COSMOS... STOP THAT YOU ANARCHIST! Calvin calls for the G.R.O.S.S. financial report. Hobbes says they didn't sing the anthem. Calvin says they'll sing it at the end of the meeting. Hobbes wants to sing it now. Calvin tells him they can't. They have to follow protocol. Hobbes starts singing the G.R.O.S.S. anthem. Calvin calls Hobbes an anarchist."
"You get two demerits for singing the club anthem before it was on the agenda! Well YOU get FIVE demerits for not taking off your hat during its hallowed refrain! You can't give me demerits! I outrank you! Ha! You're just a figurehead! Your duties are ceremonial! I have all the REAL responsibilities! WHAT? I'm dictatorfor-life! I have ten TIMES the importance of a lowly First Tiger! A HUNDRED times! A MILLION TIMES! If you're so important, how come you sing the soprano part of our anthem? THAT'S JUST TILL MY VOICE CHANGES! Calvin gives two demerits for singing the anthem before it was on the agenda. Hobbes gives Calvin demerits for not taking his hat off during its hallowed refrain. Calvin tells him he outranks Hobbes and can't be given demerits. Hobbes says Calvin's duties are ceremonial. He has all the real responsibilities. Calvin yells that he has ten times the importance of a lowly first tiger. A million times. Hobbes asks why, if he's so important, does Calvin sing the soprano part of the anthem. Calvin angrily says that's only until his voice changes."
"By golly, I won't stand for this insubordination! You are hereby demoted to 'Club Mascot'! Oh yeah? Well YOU can be 'Club Chowder Head', because I QUIT! I'm forming my OWN club, and it's going to be a lot better than THIS one! Ha! Your sorry won't have a cool acronym for a name, I'll bet! It will too! MY club is called 'C.A.D.' C.A.D? What's THAT supposed to stand for? 'Calvin's A Dope'! THAT'S NOT A NAME FOR A CLUB!"
"If you're club's called 'Calvin's A Dope', then I'm changing the name of THIS club to 'Hobbes is a mangy flea-ridden furball'! An insult! I declare eternal war on your club! Go ahead! From now on we're bitter enemies! Wait till you see my cunning strategies! I'll have maps and secret codes! I'll have strategies! I'll have maps! I'll have codes! They'll all be better than yours! I'm going to write myself a message in code right now! It says, 'Calvin smells like a baboon!' Ha! I broke your code already! And I do NOT! Calvin changes his club name to 'Hobbes is a Mangy Flea-Ridden Furball'. Hobbes declares war on Calvin's club. Hobbes says he'll have maps and secret codes. Calvin says he'll have them too, and his will be better than Hobbes'. Hobbes says he's going to write himself a message in code right now. It will say 'Calvin smells like a baboon'. Calvin says he's broken the code already, and he does not."
"When you see how cool MY club is, you'll beg to be in it, but I won't let you! Who needs your stinky club?! I've got my own club! My club dedicates itself to the destruction of your club! Good! IT's a battle to the finish! This is total war! Oh yeah? We'll see about THAT! What? Only in your dreams, fuzzy face! Hey Calvin! Who are you yelling at up there? Yikes! Shh! It's Susie! Calvin and Hobbes are fighting in the treehouse. Hobbes says his club dedicates itself to the destruction of Calvin's club. Calvin says it's a battle to the finish. They keep arguing with themselves while Susie walks up to the tree. She yells up to Calvin, asking who he's yelling at. Calvin tells Hobbes to be quiet, it's Susie."
"Calvin the bug zips across the room in erratic loops... annoying everyone with his incessant whine and dizzying commotion! Worse still, he gets into the cookies, spreading filth and contamination everywhere! Yes, he's a disgusting menace to sanity and health! What a pest! Ha ha ha! What happened? I got swatted. Hobbes stretches himself. He arches his back. He runs off. Hobbes is poised on the stairs. Calvin opens the door and yells that he's home. Hobbes pounces on Calvin, and they fight. Hobbes says if Calvin aches, it's because he didn't properly stretch before exercising. Getting up from the ground, Calvin yells that he didn't know he was going to be exercising."
"Hobbes, it's Susie! She's right under us! It's the chance of a lifetime! Real smooth, pass me the bag of rotten apples we've been saving! Quick! Quick! What about our war? I thought I was out of the club! All charges are dropped! you're back in! You're back in! Maybe I want a promotion first. IT'S YOURS! NAME IT! JUST GIVE ME THE MUSHY APPLES! Mushy apples? Who are you talking to? Susie, don't move, OK? Stay exactly where you are. Calvin tells Hobbes to pass the bag of rotten apples they've been saving. Susie is right below them. Hobbes asks about their war. Calvin tells Hobbes all charges are dropped. He's back in Calvin's club. Hobbes wants a promotion first. Hurriedly, Calvin tells him it's his. He tells Hobbes to give him the mushy apples. Susie asks what mushy apples. She asks again who he's talking to. Calvin tells her not to move."
"YAA! YAA! GET RID OF SLIMY GIRLS! HA HA! Ooh, is she mad at you! Ha ha ha! Our club is a success! I think she's running off to tell on us. Who cares! It was worth it! What a perfect plan! Talk about something we'll look back on with pride in our declining years! Calvin throws apples at Susie while she runs off. Calvin declares their club a success. Hobbes thinks she's telling on them. Calvin says it was worth it. It was perfect. He tells Hobbes it's something they'll look back on with pride in their declining years."
"Susie Derkins says you were throwing mushy apples at her! We were getting rid of slimy girls! That's our club! Well STOP it! You know better than that! I think you'd better come inside. You can tell this is a great club because we always get in trouble for following our charter! Mom says Susie told her he was throwing mushy apples at her. Calvin says they were getting rid of slimy girls. That's their club. Mom says he better stop it. She tells him to come inside. As Calvin climbs down the rope, he says you can tell this is a great club because they always get in trouble following their charter."
"You know everyone says you should stop and smell the roses? Well, this morning I did. BIG DEAL! They smelled like a bunch of dumb flowers! It was the most mundane experience I've ever had! Who's got time"
"OOOOOEEE EEBOOEE BOOEEBOO WAHHHOOOO That's my siren so you know I'm coming. Kids don't NEED sirens. Calvin runs along howling. He keeps running, making different sounds. He runs to Mom while still making noise. He tells Mom that's his siren so she knows he's coming. Mom replies kids don't need sirens."
"They say the secret of success is being at the right place at the right time. But since you never know when the right TIME is going to be, I figure the trick is to find the right PLACE, and just hang around! Being with you, it's just one epiphany after another. And if the right place is in front of the drug store, we could read comic books while we wait! Riding down the hill in their wagon, Calvin says they say the secret of success is being in the right place at the right time. Since you never know when the right time is going to be, he figures the trick is to find the right place, then just hang around. Hobbes comments that being with Calvin is just one epiphany after another. Calvin says if the right place is in front of the drug store, they could read comic books while they wait."
I've been reading about the beginning of the universe. They call it "The Big Bang". Isn't it weird how scientists can imagine all the matter of the universe exploding out of a dot smaller than the head of a pin, but they can't come up with a more evocative name for it than "The Big Bang"? That's the whole problem with science. You've got a bunch of empiricists trying to describe things of unimaginable wonder. What would you call the creation of the universe? "The HORRENDOUS SPACE KABLOOIE!" Hmm... that IS better. Almost anything would be. We should lobby to change that. And I think "Tyrannosaur" should be changed to monstrous killer death lizard".
"Oh, Mary, you look RAVISHING in that skimpy negligee! Mmm... darling, don't you wish we were married? But we ARE! ... or did you mean to eath other? I've got to have you! Let's murder our spouses! MURDER?! You sick animal! I love it when you talk that way. Come here! KISS KISS Sometimes I think I learn more when I stay home from school."
"MOM, CAN I SET FIRE TO MY BED MATRESS? No, Calvin. CAN I RIDE MY TRICYCLE ON THE ROOF? No, Calvin. Then can I have a cookie? No, Calvin. She's on to me."
"No, Mom! Don't put me to bed. I instructed Hobbes to messily devour anyone who brings me in before 9P.M. Your stuffed tiger is in the washing machine. Fine time to take a BATH! Listen, just because YOU never take one..."
"Calvin the ant puts down his grain of sand. He's sick of working all the time! He hates cooperating with all the other ants! Calvin doesn't WANT to labor for the benefit of the colony! He's an individual with his own needs and desires! From now on, Calvin the ant calls his OWN shots! Let some other sap do the queen's bidding! If you won't help US around the house, why should we work to feed and shelter YOU?! Calvin the flea sucks the blood of his angry host in parasitic contentment!"
"Calvin, are you going to take that stuffed tiger to school again? Sure. Don't the kids make fun of you? Tommy Chesnut did once, and now nobody does. Why, what happened to Tommy Chesnut? Hobbes ate him! Ugh! He needed a bath too ..."
"Calvin! What's all this noise?! You're supposed to be asleep! Monsters under the bed Dad! I was whacking one with my baseball bat! Goodness Calvin, it's just your stuffed tiger! You should put away your toys! Sorry, ol' buddy, good thing I missed occasionally, huh? Yeah, let me see your bat a minute."
Here comes the sports car at 200 miles per hour! Here comes the cement truck! Look out! And here comes an inflammable chemical truck! Oh no!! This ought to be good.
"Z PSST! Hey kid, wake up! A MONSTER! He heh! Splash splash splash splash splash splash! STOP THAT! I know what you're up to! What's he doing? He's trying to make me have to go to the bathroom. Drop drop dop! Fwoosh sploosh fwoosh sploosh! As soon as I get out of the bed, he'll grab me and suck out my innards with some vile proboscis! Fwishh splish fwishh splish! That's terrible! Will they stop at nothing?! His plan is working too! I'll never make it till morning! Splash splash splash splash splash! I have to go. But I can't get out of bed! What am I going to do?? The plants on this side of the house sure don't do very well."
It says here that by the age of six ... most children have seen a million murders on television. I find that very disturbing! It means I've been watching all the wrong channels.