"I've got to say, Hobbes, I've really perfected my old duplicator THIS time! I'll grant it needed perfecting. It was so simple to add an ethicator! I don't know why I didn't think of it before! Now, instead of making a COMPLETE duplicate of me, I've made a duplicate of just my GOOD side! He does all the work and I get all the credit! He's a total sap! I know! I know the answer! You've gotten so many, let's let someone else try this one. OK, dear? Calvin tells Hobbes he's perfected his duplicator this time. He says he added an ethicator. Now, instead of a complete duplicate of him, he's made a duplicate of just his good side. The good side duplicate does all the work, and Calvin gets all the credit. At school, the good Calvin raises his hand that he knows the answer. Miss Wormwood pats his head and says since he's gotten so many, he should let someone else try one."
"Last time you made a duplicate of yourself, the DUPLICATE made duplicates, remember? It was a mess! True, but thanks to the ethicator, it can't happen THIS time! By only duplicating my GOOD side, I've ensured that THIS duplicate won't cause any trouble! He's a complete boy scout! There's nothing this twerp likes better than making everyone's life easier! He lives for it! The ethicator must've done some deep digging to unearth HIM! Talk about someone easy to exploit! Hobbes reminds Calvin the last time he made a duplicate of himself, the duplicates made duplicates. It was a mess. Calvin agrees, but he says with the ethicator, it can't happen this time. By only duplicating his good side, he's ensured this duplicate won't cause any trouble. He tells Hobbes there's nothing this duplicate likes better than making everyone's life easier. He lives for it. Hobbes thinks the ethicator must've done some deep digging to unearth him."
"When you're done putting my toys away, you can get to work on my math assignment. OK. Isn't this the life? We get to do whatever we want while goody-two-shoes here does all the work! He doesn't even complain! Virtue is its own reward. He doesn't complain, but his self-righteousness sure gets on my nerves. Calvin tells his duplicate that when he's done putting his toys away, he can get to work on Calvin's math assignment. Calvin says they get to do whatever they want, while goody-two-shoes does all the work. He doesn't even complain. The duplicate says 'Virtue is its own reward'. Reading his comic, Calvin says he doesn't complain, but his self-righteousness gets on his nerves."
"Hello, may I carry your books for you? Why? So you can throw them in a puddle or something? Forget it! I wouldn't do that! Yeah, you'd probably do something WORSE! You're not touching my books, Calvin! Strictly speaking, I'm not Calvin. I'm the physical manifestation of Calvin's GOOD side. If that was true, you'd be a lot smaller. Boy, have I heard THAT joke a lot. And if you think you can get my books by acting even weirder than usual, think again! The duplicate asks Susie if he can carry her books. She asks if he's going to throw them into a puddle. The duplicate says he wouldn't do that. Susie says he'd probably do something worse. She says he's not going to touch her books. The duplicate informs her that strictly speaking, he's not Calvin. He's the physical manifestation of Calvin's good side. Susie says if that was true, he'd be a lot smaller. The duplicate says he's heard that joke a lot."
"Say, Calvin, that nice girl down the street seems to think you're a total jerk. Who, Susie? You weren't talking to Susie, were you? Yes. I offered to carry her books and she... YOU DID WHAT?! She clearly doesn't trust you at all. Oh, man! Nobody SAW you, did they?! They'll think it was ME! You want to make it look like I LIKE her?! She seemed upset, so this afternoon I took her some flowers I picked, but... AUGHH! AUGHH! AUGHH! The duplicate tells Calvin the nice girl down the street thinks Calvin is a total jerk. The duplicate says he offered to carry her books. Calvin can't believe it. The duplicate says she doesn't trust Calvin at all. Calvin grabs the duplicate and asks if anyone saw him. Calvin says they'll think it was him. Calvin asks if he wants to make it look like Calvin likes her. The duplicate says she seemed so upset, he took her some flowers he picked. Calvin is shocked."
"I hear you're pretty smooth with the ladies! Woo woo woo! Oh, knock it off! It's that darn duplicate and you know it! Man, he's gone too far! I don't mind if he cleans my room and gets good grades, but by golly, I draw the line at being nice to Susie! Can't that duplicate tell she's a GIRL?! Oh, I think he's figured that out. I saw him cutting hearts out of red construction paper! WAUGH! ... And who could make My heart feel woozy? Only thou, my fair Sweet Susie. Hobbes tells Calvin he hears he's pretty smooth with the ladies. Calvin tells him to knock it off. He says it's the duplicate. Calvin says he doesn't mind if the duplicate cleans his room and gets good grades. He draws the line at being nice to Susie. He asks Hobbes if the duplicate can't tell she's a girl. Hobbes informs him the duplicate has figured that out. He says he saw him cutting hearts out of construction paper. The duplicate writes '...and who could make my heart feel woozy? Only thou, my fair sweet Susie'."
"DON'T TELL ME MY DUPLICATE IS WRITING SUSIE MASH NOTES!! You little charmer, you! I'm the dictator-for-life of the Get Rid Of Slimy girlS club! My reputation! My honor! My principles! We've got to stop him! Oh no! He's not in my room! He must be on his way to Susie's house! You're probably going to get smoochies right now! Big wet ones, I bet! MORE sarcasm?! You come here again and I'll clobber you, Calvin. Calvin tells Hobbes not to tell him his duplicate is writing Susie mash notes. Hobbes calls Calvin a little charmer. Calvin runs off. As dictator-for-life of the Get Rid Of Slimy girlS club, his reputation is at stake. He looks in his room, but the duplicate isn't there. He says he must be on his way to Susie's house. Hobbes says he's probably getting smooches right now. Standing at Susie's door, the duplicate Calvin has handed Susie the note. Susie considers it sarcasm. She tells him if he comes to her house again, she'll clobber him."
"You again?! Was I here before? Are you crazy?! You were here just two minutes ago! Uh-oh. I'm not STILL here, am I? YOU'RE STANDING RIGHT THERE! WELL ANYONE CAN SEE THAT! AM I HERE ANYWHERE ELSE?! Sheesh. SLAM. Who can fathom the feminine mind? I like 'em anyway. Calvin goes to Susie's house. She says 'You again'. Calvin asks if he was there before. She asks if he's crazy. He was there two minutes ago. Calvin asks if he's still there. She says he's standing right there. Angrily, Calvin says anyone can see that. He wants to know if he's anywhere else. She slams the door. Walking off, Calvin asks who can fathom the feminine mind."
"It's true, Hobbes, ignorance IS bliss! Once you know things, you start seeing problems everywhere... ...and once you see problems, you feel like you ought to try to fix them... ...and fixing problems always seems to require personal change... ...and change means doing things that aren't fun! I say phooey to that! But if you're wilfully stupid, you don't know any better, so you can keep doing whatever you like! The secret to happiness is short-term, stupid self-interest! We're heading for that cliff! I don't want to know about it. WAAAUGGHHH! I'm not sure I can stand so much bliss. Careful! We don't want to learn anything from this. Susie is playing, when Calvin comes over with a bucket. Calvin is wearing a mask. Calvin starts a poem. He tells Susie please do what she's told. There is a bucket, of water, ice cold. He says to please dump in on him, not to hesitate, do it A.S.A.P. Susie looks at him, while Calvin stands with eyes closed. Susie grins evilly. Calvin walks off with the bucket on his head, dripping water. Calvin shakes his fist at Hobbes. Calvin warns him to wait until he touches the 'pernicious poem place'. They're playing Calvinball."
"THERE you are! There YOU are! What's the big idea giving Susie a mushy valentine?! Are you nuts? She wouldn't even accept it! YOU'RE such a jerk, she always thinks you're up to something! Who are you calling a jerk, you namby-pamby goody-goody! YOU, you self-centered conniving brat! Wow, how existential can you get? Calvin finds his duplicate. Calvin complains about the duplicate giving Susie a valentine. The duplicate says she wouldn't even accept it. He calls Calvin a jerk. Calvin calls the duplicate a namby-pamby goody-goody. The duplicate calls Calvin a self-centered, conniving brat. They fight. Hobbes asks how existential can you get."
"So it's a fight you want, is it?! Why, I'll tear you limb from... Yeah? Yeah? Oops! I had an evil thought! FFTT. Another casualty of applied metaphysics. My ethicator machine must've had a built-in moral compromise spectral release phantasmatron! I'm a genius! The duplicate says he's going to fight Calvin. FFTT! He disappears. He had an evil thought. Hobbes calls it another casualty of applied metaphysics. Calvin says his ethicator machine must've had a built-in moral compromise spectral release phantasmatron. He says he's a genius."
"You're the only person I know whose GOOD side is prone to badness. That's why he evaporated. He could only be perfectly good as an abstraction. In his human manifestation, he wanted to throttle me. He spectralized just in time! Fascinating. Yes. Of course, now you have to do your homework YOURSELF. Actually, now that my good side is no longer a physical being, I find him that much easier to ignore. Hobbes tells Calvin he's the only person he knows whose good side is prone to badness. Calvin says that's why he evaporated. He could only be perfectly good as an abstraction. In his human manifestation, he wanted to throttle Calvin. He spectralized just in time. Hobbes calls it fascinating. He reminds Calvin he'll have to do his homework himself. Calvin says since his good side is no longer a physical being, he finds him that much easier to ignore."
"Well, that's the end of chapter one. We'll stop here. No, read the whole book, OK? Calvin, there's a hundred more pages and it's late. We'll read another chapter tomorrow. No, no! Finish it tonight! Gee, you must really like this. I have to write a paper on it tomorrow. Dad is reading a story to Calvin. Dad says he's reached the end of chapter one. He says they'll stop there. Calvin tells him to read the whole book. Dad says there's a hundred more pages, and it's late. He says they'll read another chapter tomorrow. Calvin asks him to finish it tonight. Dad says he must really like the book. Calvin tells him he has to write a paper on it tomorrow."
"You know what I've noticed, Hobbes? Thinkgs don't bug you if you don't think about them. So from now on, I simply won't think about anything I don't like, and I'll be happy all the time. Don't you think that's a pretty silly and irresponsible way to live? What a pretty afternoon."
"What are you doing out in the rain? I'm engaging in a contest of wills! It's me against nature! It's me against nature! Which of us is going to give up first? Is NATURE going to give up and stop raining, or am I going to give up and go inside? So far, it's undecided, but I'm determined to win! OOOH, BIG NOISE! YOU DON'T SCARE ME! KEEP IT COMING! I'M NOT GOING IN! Poor guy just couldn't stand the suspense. Hobbes comes out in the rain with an umbrella to ask Calvin why he's out there. Calvin stands with his arms crossed. He says he's engaged in a contest of wills. It's him against nature. He raises his fists and asks which one is going to give up first. Will nature give up and stop raining, or will he give up and go inside. He says he's determined to win. There is a big KABOOM! Hobbes is startled. Calvin yells to the skies that the big noise doesn't scare him. He's not going in. Hobbes does go in. Calvin says the poor guy couldn't stand the suspense."
"This meeting of G.R.O.S.S. (Get Rid Of Slimy girlS) will come to order, dictator-for-life Calvin presiding! Hail Calvin and Hobbes! On today's agenda, we'll make a list of what girls are GOOD for. Obviously, this will be a short meeting! Ha! First tiger Hobbes will record the list for posterity! OK, first, girls are good for water balloon targets! Ha ha! Second, they're good for NOTHING! Ha ha ha! Hee hee, slow down! Number three, girls are good for colonizing Pluto! Ah ha ha! What a great list! Number four, they're good for smooching! Hoo hoo! Number five is... WHAT?!? Did you say SMOOCHING?? What kind of treasonous, sissy idea is THAT?! Well, it's true. OOOG! AAACK! I got the dry heaves!! You're demoted from First Tiger to Tiger Bulk Rate! You can't supress the facts! I award myself a medal of valor! How would you know it's a fact?! Have you been a traitor to the cause?! I have my sources! Ow! This unleader-like behaviour will be noted in the club minutes! Have you been smooching the enemy?! Out with it!! YOU have! I saw it, so don't try to deny it! ME?! That's a filthy lie! You'll pay for this vile slander! Oh yeah? Your Mom kissed you right on the cheek last night, remember? ...Oh yeah... I guess Mom IS kind of a girl, sort of... See? According to club rules, you should be excommunicated. OK, Presidential pardons all around! Agreed! We'll add an amendment saying smooching is optional, if it's your Mom. This is such a great club! Prehistoric beasts look up. A tyrannosaurus roars. Calvin makes a terrible face, snorts and growls. His classmates all look at him. He says he's sorry. He had a little sinus congestion. He puts his face in his hands and sighs."
"I have an announcement. As of today, I will no longer respond to the name 'Calvin'. From now on, I wish to be addressed as 'Calvin the Bold'. Calvin the Bold? Right. That's my new name for the rest of my life. How about Calvin the deranged? Also, Calvin the Bold will being reffering to himself in the third person. Calvin tells Mom that as of today, he will no longer respond to the name 'Calvin'. He wishes to be addressed as 'Calvin the Bold'. He says that's the new name for the rest of his life. She asks how about Calvin the Deranged. Calvin tells her that Calvin the Bold will begin referring to himself in the third person."
"Calvin, will you do the next problem, please? Calvin? Who?? YOU! CALVIN THE BOLD demands that he be addressed by his full title for any response. Back again, hmm, Calvin? Who? Miss Wormwood asks Calvin to do the next problem. He just sits there. She asks him again. Calvin turns around, wondering who she's talking to. Miss Wormwood yells that she wants him. Calvin tells Miss Wormwood that Calvin the Bold demands he be addressed by his full title for any response. In the principal's office, he asks Calvin if he's back again. Calvin looks around, wondering who he's talking to."
"Calvin the bold! Yes? Kneel. Huh?? What? Kneel? By the finite patience vested in me, I hereby dub thee 'Mud'. You may rise. My name is MUD?! Mr. Subtlety drives home another point. Dad sits on his chair and calls Calvin the Bold. Calvin runs in. Dad tells him to kneel. Calvin does. Dad says that by the finite patience vested in him, he hereby dubs Calvin 'Mud'. He tells Calvin to rise. Calvin realizes his name is mud. He walks off, grumbling that Mr. Subtlety drives home another point."
"MOMMM What's the matter?? How do ugly things like octopuses and hairy bugs reproduce? Are they actually ATTRACTED to each other? IT'S 3AM! GO TO SLEEP! Come to think of it, I wonder how PEOPLE are attracted to each other. I'll be that's why they close their eyes when they smooch. In bed at night, Calvin yells for Mom. When she comes to his room, he asks how ugly things like octopuses and hairy bugs reproduce. He asks if they're attracted to each other. She yells that it's 3 AM. She tells him to go to"
"Look at what this dumb toaster did to my toast! It didn't cook it enough the FIRST time, so I pushed it down AGAIN and now ONE side's BURNED and other OTHER's hardly singed! That toaster ruined my toast! And yet... somehow... life goes on. Beneath that larger perspective is a guy who doesn't want to spring for a new toaster. Calvin complains the toaster ruined his toast. He says it didn't cook enough the first time, so he pushed it down again. Now one side's burned, and the other is hardly singed. Dad tells him that yet..somehow..life goes on. Calvin looks at his toast. He says beneath that larger perspective is a guy who doesn't want to spring for a new toaster."
"You know, before there was television, kids actually DID things on nice days like this. Times sure change, huh Dad? Ever notice how Dad brings up subjects he doesn't want to talk about? Calvin is watching television. Dad says before there was television, kids actually did things on nice days. Calvin tells him times sure change. Dad tosses Calvin out the door. As he and Hobbes walk in the woods, Calvin asks if Hobbes has ever noticed Dad brings up subjects he doesn't want to talk about."
"RINNGG Looking at the evening sky, Calvin tells Hobbes it's clear nights like that when you realize how incomprehensibly vast the universe really is. He wonders what early man must've thought as he watched the skies. Calvin says he'd see he was an infinitesimal part of creation, but he'd have no understanding. He asks Hobbes to imagine how big and mysterious the night would have seemed. He bets he'd feel fragile and afraid. He turns to see Hobbes is gone. He looks around for anybody. In the night, he sees eyes looking at him. He is frightened. WUMP! Hobbes holds Calvin to the ground. Hobbes says that's what he felt like. Saber-tooth tiger food. Calvin says from now on, he's staying inside at night and watching TV."
Pull me way back! More... more... more... Hold it! Calvin is on a swing. He asks Hobbes to pull him back. More...more...more... Hobbes pulls the swing so far back Calvin slides off the seat and is holding on the swing ropes and dangling in the air. He tells Hobbes to hold it.
"Let's say life is this square of the sidewalk. We're born at this crack and we die at that crack. Now we find ourselves somewhere inside the square, and in the process of walking out of it, suddenly we realize our time in here is fleeting. Is our quick experience here pointless? Does anything we say or do in here really matter? Have we done anything important? Have we been happy? Have we made the most of these precious footsteps?? On a sidewalk, Calvin tells Hobbes to say life is the square of the sidewalk. They're born at one crack, and they die at the other. Now they find themselves somewhere inside the square, in the process of walking out of it. Suddenly, they realize their time in the square is fleeting. Is their experience pointless? Does anything they do or say really matter? Have they done anything important? Have they made the most of their precious few footsteps? That night, they are still standing on the sidewalk looking at the square."
"YOU'VE BEEN HITTING ROCKS IN THE HOUSE?! WHAT ON EARTH WOULD MAKE YOU DO SOMETHING LIKE THAT?! Poor genetic material? Bad guess. Mom is shocked to see Calvin hitting rocks in the house. The lamp is broken, and Calvin is holding a bat. She angrily yells what on earth would make him do something like that. Calvin suggests poor genetic material. In bed, he decides that was a bad guess."
"Want to see a great idea in action? First you drink half of the milk in your thermos. That leaves enough room so you can wad the rest of your lunch in there. See, here goes my jelly sandwich and a banana. Let it soak for a minute, then shake it all up into sludge and choke it down! Your stomach won't know the difference, and it saves your teeth undue wear and tear! Nobody likes my great ideas in action. At lunch, Calvin asks Susie if she wants to see a great idea in action. He drinks half the milk in his Thermos. He wads the rest of his lunch inside the Thermos. He puts in his jelly sandwich and his banana. He lets it soak for a minute, then he shakes it into sludge. He says the stomach doesn't know the difference, and it saves his teeth undue wear and tear. Susie is grossed out and leaves. Calvin says nobody likes his great ideas in action."
"I'd say I've had a pretty good life so far. In fact, looking back, I have only one regret. What's that? I regret I wasn't born with opposable toes. Calvin says he's had a pretty good life so far. In looking back, he only has one regret. Hobbes asks what that is. Calvin tells him he regret he wasn't born with opposable toes."