"Look, I've got some modelling clay! What are you making? This is a hoof. A hoof? Right! This will be a life-size equestrian statue of me! A new horseman of the apocalypse, hmm? I think I'm going to need more clay. Calvin has some modeling clay. Hobbes asks what he's making. Calvin replies it's a hoof. He tells Hobbes it's going to be a life-size equestrian statue of him. Hobbes asks if it will be a new horseman of the apocalypse. Calvin is sure he's going to need more clay."
"My essay is entitled 'After school at my house'. ...ahem... 'It's not that I MIND being chained in the basement, it's just that when the meat is thrown down, the rats have the advantage of numbers, and they...' What, Miss Wormwood? Another parent-teacher conference? I told her to expect you to deny everything. Calvin is in front of the class, preparing to read his essay 'After School At My House'. He starts reading about not minding being chained in the basement, but when the meat is thrown down, the rats outnumber him. Miss Wormwood stops him. That evening, Calvin hands Mom a note to attend another parent-teacher conference. Calvin tells Mom he told Miss Wormwood to expect Mom to deny everything."
"SSS SNAP FSST POP! SNARRL YOWP GRR FSSSSS PSSSTSS GRR That's why I'M way over HERE. Hobbes is sleeping in front of the fireplace. Suddenly, the wood in the fireplace pops. Hobbes is startled. He spins around, snarling and scratching. Hobbes angrily looks back at the fireplace. Calvin, lying on the sofa reading a book, says that's why he's way over there."
"MOMM! MOM! What's the matter?? What's wrong? Hobbes wants a second good night kiss. IT'S TWO IN THE MORNING!! He says the first kiss didn't take. Hmph. I don't think THAT one took either. Oh go to sleep. In bed, Calvin yells for Mom. He tells her Hobbes wants a second good night kiss. Mom complains that it's two in the morning. Calvin says the first kiss didn't take. After she leaves, Hobbes grumpily thinks that kiss didn't take, either. Calvin tells him to go to sleep."
"Susie, would you do me a really big favor? No. Pleeeeease?? It's nothing bad. What is it? Just go up to my house, open the front door, and yell, 'I'm home.' Why should I? Um... it's a surprise. I mean, no reason. I just dare you. Well forget it. C'mon, there's nothing to it! Look, I'll give you a quarter if you'll do it! OK. Oh man, this is going to be great! Yes! Yes! I'm opening the door... She'll never know what hit her! Hee hee hee! I'M HOME! Thanks for the quarter, sucker. No wait! It didn't happen! Say it again! Doggone it! What's wrong with that furball?? Where's his killer instinct when you really ... WAAA KAPOW! Never never never never NEVER trust a tiger. I can always tell when it's you by the bad smell! Yoo hoo hoo! Calvin says that he's devoting himself to the cultivation of interpersonal relationships. He tells Hobbes no man is an island. They all need love and the support of others. As of today, his goal is to be at one with his fellow man. As he says he's going to develop and foster deep connections, he tells Hobbes to wait a minute. He makes a snowball and hits Susie with it. She chases him. Later, Calvin is head-first in the snow. He tells Hobbes he's changed his mind. People are scum. Hobbes thinks true happiness can only be found in the wanton indulgence of animals."
"AUGH! Who did this? The Dame's scream hit an octave usually reserved for calling dogs, but it meant I had a case, and the sound of greenbacks slapping across my palm is music to my ears any day. After all, I'm not an opera critic. I'm a private eye. Mom sees a night stand dumped over with a broken lamp. She yells 'Who did this'. In his office, Tracer Bullet hears Mom's yell. He knows he has a case. He says the sound of greenbacks slapping across his palms is music to his ears. He's not an opera critic, he's a private eye."
"I keep two magnum's in my desk. One's a gun, and I keep it loaded. The other's a bottle and it keeps ME loaded. I'm Tracer Bullet. I'm a professional snoop. It's a tough job, but then, I'm a tough guy. Some people don't like an audience when they work. Enough of them have told me so with blunt instruments that I'm a phrenologist's dream come true. Snooping pays the bills, though. Especially Bill, my bookie, and Bill, my probation officer. So when a tall brunette opened my door with a case for me, my heart did a few calisthenics and I took the job. Tracer Bullet keeps two magnums in his desk. One is a gun he keeps loaded, the other a bottle that keeps him loaded. He's a tough guy who people don't want around when they work. They've told him so with blunt"
"The dame said she had a case. She sounded like a case herself, but I can't choose my clients. She was the pushy type, the kind who'd break your heart, or maybe your arms. I hurried over. Either she had a psychotic decorator, or her place had been ransacked by someone in a big hurry. WELL?! How do you explain this? The dame was hysterical. Dames usually are. Tracer says the dame had a case. She was the pushy type. She'd break your heart, or your arms. Mom scoots Calvin to the broken lamp. Tracer looks at the damage and figures she either has a psychotic decorator or someone ransacked the place in a big hurry. Mom asks how Calvin can explain the damage. Calvin thinks the dame was hysterical. They usually are."
"What have you got to say for yourself? Don't touch anything. I'm looking for clues. The click of a hammer being cocked behind my head focused my thoughts like only a loaded .38 can. The dame had set me up! She didn't want me to solve the case at all! She just wanted a patsy to pin the crime on! Well? I didn't like the way this story was shaping up, so I decided to write a new ending with my .45 automatic as co-author. Mom asks Calvin what he has to say for himself. Calvin tells Mom he's looking for clues. Tracer realizes it's all a set up. The dame wanted a patsy to pin the crime on. Calvin thinks he doesn't like the way this story is shaping up, so he's decided to write a new ending with his .45 automatic as coauthor."
"I introduced the dame to a friend who's very close to my heart. Just a little down and left, to be specific. My friend is an eloquent speaker. He made three profound arguments, while I excused myself from the room. I always leave when the talk gets philosophical. You're in REAL trouble NOW, young man!! Tracer introduces the dame to his friend, his gun. His friend is an eloquent speaker. Tracer fires three times, and he leaves the room. Mom has three suction darts on the wall behind her. She rolls up her sleeves. She tells Calvin he's in real trouble now. Calvin runs off."
"I'd just finished putting the puzzle pieces together when the dame's hired goon jumped out of nowhere and practiced for his chiropractic degree. When the discussion was done, an all-percussion symphony was playing in my head, and the accoustics were incredible. The orchestra went on a ten-city tour of my brain. And I had a season pass with front row seats. I had figured out who trashed the dame's living room, but since she wasn't my client any more, I felt no need to divulge that information. Besides, the culprit happened to be a buddy of mine. I closed the case. I guess we should've played outside, huh? Tracer says he just about had it figured out when the dame's hired goon jumped out. Dad lectures Calvin while Calvin thinks a symphony was playing in his head, and the acoustics were terrible. The orchestra went on a tour of his brain, and he had a season pass with front row tickets. He had figured out who trashed the living room, but since the dame wasn't his client anymore, he didn't feel he needed to divulge the information. The culprit happened to be a buddy of his, so he closed the case. Hobbes guesses they should have played outside."
"Isn't it strange that evolution would give us a sense of homor? When you think about it, it's weird that we have a physiological response to absurdity. We LAUGH at nonsense. We LIKE it. We think it's funny. Don't you think it's odd that we appreciate absurdity? Why would we develop that way? How does it benefit us? I suppose if we couldn't laugh at things that don't make sense, we couldn't react to a lot of life. I can't tell if that's funny or really scary. Spaceman Spiff cruises over the desolate dunes of an uncharted planet. There is no vegetation. Millions of years of harsh exposure without an atmosphere has swept the surface clean. Crossing a rift, the rocks abruptly change color. A huge mountain rises out of the plain. Our hero pulls up. Spiff discovers it's not a mountain at all. The whole landscape is bedding for a horrendous monster. Dad sleepily looks to see what time it is. Calvin, next to Dad in bed, says the creature appears hostile. Our hero readies a hydro bomb. Calvin has a glass of water poised to douse Dad."
"What's up today? Nothing so far. 'So far'? Well, you never know. Something COULD happen today. And if anything DOES, by golly, I'm going to be ready for it! I need a suit like that. Calvin approaches Mom, who's sitting on the chair. He's wearing his helmet and cape. Mom asks what's up today. Calvin replies 'Nothing so far'. When Mom asks what he means by so far, Calvin tells her something could" "happen today. As he walks away, he adds that if something does happen, he's going to be ready for it. Mom says she needs a suit like that."
"I just saw a commercial for a luxury cruise. How come WE don't ever go on vacations like that? Vacations are all just a matter of comparison. Huh? We spend a week in cold, uncomfortable tents each year so living HERE the rest of the time seems like a luxury cruise. If your trips are unpleasant, your whole LIFE is a vacation. Please tell me I'm adopted. Calvin tells Dad he just saw a commercial about a luxury cruise. He asks Dad why they don't take vacations like that. Dad explains vacations are a matter of comparison. He says that they spend weeks in uncomfortable tents so that living in their home seems like a luxury cruise. If his trips are unpleasant, his whole life is a vacation. Calvin goes to see Mom. He clenches his fists together and begs Mom to tell him he's adopted."
"You know, I don't think math is a science. I think it's a religion. A religion? Yeah. All these equations are like miracles. You take two numbers and when you add them, they magically become one NEW number! No one can say how it happens. Either you believe it or you don't. This whole book is full of things that have to be accepted on faith! It's a religion! And in public schools no less. Call a lawyer. As a math atheist, I should be excused from this. Calvin tells Hobbes he doesn't believe math is a science, but is a religion. Calvin explains the equations are like miracles. You take two numbers, add them together, and you make one new number. No one can say how it happens. You either believe it or you don't. Calvin points to his book and says it's full of things you have to accept on faith. It's a religion. Hobbes says since it's in the public school, no less, Calvin should call a lawyer. Calvin says as a math atheist, he should be excused from this."
"An ordinary cheetah can go over 60 miles an hour. A human can hardly do a quarter of that. What a joke? You think cats are so great! Well humans don't HAVE to be so fast or so strong because WE'RE so much SMARTER! If cats are so great, how come they don't have cars, or rockets, or bombs, or nuclear... um... reactors, or... or... I mean... And we can see six times better at night than you can! Six TIMES! And boy, talk about agility! Hmph. Hobbes cheerfully tells Calvin a cheetah can run over 60 miles per hour. He says a human can hardly do a quarter of that. Calvin replies that humans don't need to be that fast because they're smarter. Calvin goes on to ask Hobbes why cats don't have cars, or rockets, or bombs. He stops. Hobbes happily continues by saying cats see six times better than humans. Calvin grumpily kicks a rock."
"AUGHH The thrill of the chase is so diminished when one's prey has little legs. OH, I'M REAL SORRY! Calvin is walking along when he suddenly looks back, horrified. He runs as fast as he can. Hobbes is in the air, ready to pounce on Calvin. Afterward, Hobbes brushes dust off his fur complaining the thrill of the chase is so diminished when one's prey has little legs. Calvin, lying upside down on the ground, says that he's real sorry."
"Ha! I landed on chance. I get to take a card! Oh no! It says, 'Defraud the bank. Computer scam diverse assets into your account. Collect $5,000.' I think I'll buy a few dozen hotels. Ooh, you just wait till I land on chance! Monopoly is more fun when you make your own chance cards. Calvin and Hobbes are playing Monopoly. Hobbes lands on Chance. Hobbes reads 'Defraud the bank. Computer scam diverts assets to your account. Collect $5000'. Hobbes thinks he'll buy a few dozen hotels. Calvin tells him to wait until he lands on Chance. Calvin says Monopoly is more fun when you make your own Chance cards."
"Oh no! Look at poor Calvin! What's gone wrong? He's a crude black outline barely containing garish color! What a horrible fate! His eyes don't even point the same direction! Each eye sees a different view! His nostrils are on the front of his nose like a pig! His ears are just flaps on his head! And what's this stuff on top? Is that supposed to be HAIR?! AAUGHH! Calvin's hands are balls with sticks in them! He doesn't even have the right number of fingers! Where are his thumbs?? And his feet! They aren't the same size! They face out sideways! How can Calvin stand up? Who knows? Look at his moronic expression! His face reveals no spark of intelligence! Calvin is devoid of reality and substance! How can he be saved?? What can be done?? Here we go! Ha ha. RRRRRGGHH! I hate drawing! What a waste of time! Gee, it was getting pretty goot at the end."
"BOK BOK BOK BOK I kind of resent the manufacturer's implicit assumption that this would amuse me. Calvin has a paddle-ball toy. He hits the ball a few times, then stops. The ball hangs down on the rubber band. He says he resents the manufacturer's implicit assumption that this would amuse him."
"Hey Dad, Hobbes says that tigers are more perfectly evolved than humans! He says that if the playing field was level and we didn't have guns, people would be nothing but CAT FOOD! Tell him that's not... There! 10 cents. We bet a quarter, you chiseler. Calvin walks into the bathroom where Dad is, saying Hobbes told Calvin tigers were more perfectly evolved than humans. As Calvin opens the door, he says Hobbes told him that if there were no guns, people would be cat food. He asks Dad to tell Hobbes it isn't true. Dad is standing with his pajama bottoms, no top, toothbrush in mouth, with toothpaste foaming out. Calvin grudgingly pays Hobbes off for the bet they had made."
"BU-URRPP! CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP AUTHOR! AUTHOR! ENCORE! Philistines. At the dinner table, Calvin belches. He applauds himself, saying 'Author! Encore!'. Mom and Dad glare at Calvin. Sitting on his bed, Calvin calls his parents Philistines."
"I'm not going to school today. Oh, you're not? Nope! I'm staying home and watching television all day! Apparently I was misinformed. Mom is sitting at the table, reading a paper. Calvin comes in and tells her that he isn't going to school. He informs her that he's staying at home and watching television all day. Later, sitting at his school desk, Calvin says he was apparently misinformed."
"Today for show and tell I brought one of my own patent pending inventions! I have in my hand an invisible cretinizer! One shot renders the victim a babbling simp, a dolt, an utter moron! OH SURE, CALVIN! GIVE US A BREAK! As Ronald proves, it's quite effective even at long range. HEY! For show and tell, Calvin has one of his patent pending inventions. It's an invisible cretinizer. One shot renders the victim a babbling simp, a dolt, an utter moron. From the back of the room, one of the kids yells for Calvin to give them a break. Calvin continues by saying as Ronald proves, it's quite effective, even at long range."
"Find any dinosaur bones yet? Nope. I wish we lived in the badlands of Montana. It's easier there because erosion often exposes the bones. HERE though, you just have to start digging and hope for the best. Hence the systematic approach, hmm? Right. I guess I'll have to move that sapling. Calvin is digging a hole, when Hobbes asks if he's found any dinosaur bones yet. Calvin says nope. He wishes they lived in the badlands of Montana. He says it's easier there, because erosion often exposes the bones. Calvin starts digging again, while saying here, you start digging and hope for the best. From above, we see Calvin has dug several holes in the yard. Hobbes asks if that's why he's using the systematic approach. Calvin says yes. He guesses he'll have to move a sapling."
"Uh oh. STOP THIS RIGHT NOW! I had big plans outside today and I don't want to see them ruined. HEY! ARE YOU LISTENING?! Stop raining! I mean it! BOOMM! Oh NO! You want to play rough, do you? FINE! It's man against the elements! Conscious being versus insentient nature! My wits against your force! WE'LL see who triumphs! DO YOUR WORST! C'MON. LET'S SEE WHAT YOU'VE GOT! You can't crush the human spirit! On behalf of all earthly life, I defy you!! Ha ha! This is just a little bath! Big deal! I think I'll take off my clothes and splash around! What do you say to THAT?! OW! OW! WHAT'S WITH THE HAIL?! THAT'S FIGHTING DIRTY! NO FAIR!! Are you trying to KILL me?! OW! What's going with you?! Ow! Ow! I'm going in! Ow! I quit! I quit! I'll bet there's an explanation for this, and I'll bet I don't want to hear it. The universe has an attitude, Mom! Calvin is thirsty. He gets out of bed to go for a drink. He hears a thump. He sees eyes glowing in the dark. He runs down the stairs, yelling for help. He yells that he feels its terrible fangs. He crashes. Mom and Dad wake up and check on Calvin. They turn on the light. Dad says he was sleepwalking again. Mom tells him to go back to bed. He had a nightmare. Calvin looks to see he has Hobbes in his hands. Back in bed, Calvin tells Hobbes it's creepy" having a friend whose eyes glow in the dark. Hobbes says it's so they can see people sneaking out of bed to fix a snack without making arrangements to share.
"Well, look at you! Don't you look nice and neat! Yes, I believe in the importance of good grooming. Speaking of which, I'd better get in the tub if I want to be in bed on time. JUST WHAT ARE YOU UP TO? Calvin walks by Mom. Mom comments on how nice and neat he looks. Calvin says he believes in the importance of good grooming. He says he better get in the tub if he wants to be in bed on time. Mom is stunned. She yells after him 'Just what are you up to'."
"I heard Calvin splashing in the tub, but there's no water on the floor. His towel is hung to dry! The toothpaste cap is on! There's no mess anywhere! And you're already in bed?? Would you check over my homework tonight, so I can correct any mistakes in the morning before school? Thanks, Mom. Mom looks in the bathroom. She heard Calvin splashing in the tub, but there's no water on the floor. His towel is hung to dry. The toothpaste cap is on. There's no mess. Mom sees Calvin is in bed. He asks her to look over his homework tonight, so he can correct any mistakes in the morning before school. He thanks her. Later, she reads from a Child Psychology book."
"Good morning, Mom. You're up and dressed? I didn't even call yoU! I like to get up early so the morning isn't rushed. And with the extra time, I can review my assignments and be better prepared for class. I'm bracing myself for when the other shop drops. Don't get up. I'll fix my own breakfast. Do we have any prunes? Calvin wishes Mom a good morning. She is shocked to see him up and dressed. She hadn't called him. Calvin says he likes to get up early so the morning isn't rushed. With the extra time, he can review his assignments and be better prepared for class. Mom says she's bracing herself for when the other shoe drops. Calvin tells her not to get up. He'll fix his own breakfast. He asks if they have any prunes."
"I made my bed and I put my breakfast dishes away! I'm off to school now! Have a good day. Thank you. I'll study hard. A good education is invaluable. This is working out great! I can't believe your Mom thinks that's you. Calvin says he's made his bed and put his breakfast dishes away. He's off to school. Mom wishes him a good day. Calvin tells her thanks. He says he'll study hard. A good education is invaluable. Mom stands by the door, puzzled. Under his bed, Calvin tells Hobbes this is working out great. Hobbes can't believe Mom thinks that's Calvin."