"Back from the north pole already? No, we didn't even get past Susie's house. But Mom, I PROVED how good I am! Susie hit me with a snowball and I didn't even get her back! Santa has GOT to give me lots of presents NOW! Why did Susie hit you with a snowball? She overheard us plotting to... I mean, um, we were just minding our business when suddenly, for no reason, Susie... OK, you lied. Do something good fast, and maybe the last hour will sort of even out to neutral. Calvin comes back in the house saying he proved how good he was. He says Susie hit him with a snowball, and he didn't hit her back. He figures Santa has to give him lots of presents now. Mom asks why Susie hit Calvin with a snowball. Calvin says they were minding their own business when she attacked for no reason. Hobbes tells Calvin that since he lied, if he does something good fast, the last hour will even out to neutral. Calvin laments that he won't make it three more days."
"Eighty million years ago, back in the late Cretaceous, lived the great tyrannosaur, a fearsome and predacious therapod of monstrous size! He weighed six tons or more! He epotomized the concept of the killer carnivore! His jaws had teeth like railroad spikes with fore and aft serrations! This dental hardware was designed for quick eviscerations! With thrashing bites and awful roars the T.Rex would attack! He was, it's clear, a savage mesozoic maniac! Imagin, then, the panic caused, the horror and the mayhem, when this monster came to town and ate some folks this A.M.! It was a sight few will forget! He lunged into the crowd! The multitude became unglued! Their screams were long and loud! People pushed to get away! The elderly and small were trampled underfoot by the advancing human wall! Little Tim was on an errand with his brother howard. They dawdled by the candy shop and both boys were devoured. A camera crew from channel three arrived in town to give a live report. At this they failed, because they didn't live. At last the menace ate his fill. The big tyrannosaur stomped away to parts unknown where he had lived before. Tyrannosaurs, though rarely seen, are certainly still around. And no one knows just where or when the next one will be found. Blow your nose, dear. Achgth! Tck! Nhggrr! Going down the hill on the sled, Calvin says he's getting nervous about Christmas. He wonders what Santa's definition of good and bad are. He says he hasn't killed anybody, so that's good. He hasn't committed any felonies, start any wars, or practiced cannibalism. He thinks that should get lots of presents. Hobbes suggests maybe good is more than the absence of bad. That's what worries Calvin. He asks Hobbes that if he can get an overnight letter to the North Pole, what would Hobbes charge to write him a glowing character reference. Hobbes says he won't perjure himself for Calvin. His record's clean."
"Well, the shopping is done, the presents are wrapped and sent, and Calvin's in bed. For the first time this month, there's nothing that has to be done. I know... sometimes this season really seems out of control. We don't often think about what it's all supposed to mean. Mm-hmm. It's good to sit by a cozy fire and take some quiet time to reflect. WHAT'S THIS?! SANTA FLAMBE?? Mom and Dad are sitting on the sofa. Dad says the shopping is done, presents are wrapped, and Calvin is in bed. Dad says sometime the season seems out of control. They don't always think about what it's all supposed to mean. Mom says it's good to sit by a cozy fire and take some quiet time to reflect. Calvin walks up with a fire extinguisher. He asks if this is Santa flambe."
"Psst! Wake up! Merry Christmas, ol' buddy! Merry christmas. I didn't get you a present, but you're my best friend in the world, Hobbes. You're my best friend, too. I think that's a great gift. Well, enough of that! It's almost 4 am! Let's wake up Mom and Dad and see what Santa brought us! Remember we agreed that if Santa gave you any salmon, you'd share it!"
"Dear Grandma, thank you for the nice box of crayons you sent me for Christmas. This is prompt. Oh yeah, I always send grandma a thank-you note right away. ... ever since she sent me that empty box with the sarcastic note saying she was just checking to see if the postal service was still working. Calvin writes a thank you note to his Grandma for the crayons she sent. Calvin tells Hobbes he always sends Grandma a thank-you note right away. Calvin has done that ever since she sent an empty box with a sarcastic note saying she was checking to see if the Postal Service was still working."
"That's enough TV! Go play outside. I don't WANT to go outside. Hmph. Dad turns off the TV and tells Calvin to play outside. Calvin doesn't want to. Grumpily, he goes outside. He starts to build a snow man. He places it by the window looking in at Dad. Twigs are placed for hands to have the snow man thumbing his ears at Dad."
"Behind the impenetrable walls of my snow fort, I am utterly invincible! No one dares attack me! Everybody is too chicken! I'm outside my fort now! Calvin shouts out that he's invincible behind the walls of his snow fort. He says no one dares to attack him. Everyone is too chicken. He ducks behind the wall. He waits. Nothing happens. He comes out and yells that he's outside his fort now."
"It's freezing in here! I can almost see my breath! The thermostat is at 68, where it's going to stay. I'm surprised the water pipes haven't frozen! Look, my lips are blue! I'm catching pneumonia! I'm going into hypothermia! If you're cold, why don't you go shovel the driveway and get your blood moving? Nice sweater. Hmph. Calvin complains to Dad that it's so cold he can see his breath. Dad says the thermostat is staying where it is. Calvin is surprised water pipes haven't frozen. He says his lips are blue, he's catching pneumonia and is going into hypothermia. Dad suggests that if he's cold, why doesn't he shovel the driveway to get his blood moving. Later, Dad compliments Calvin on his sweater."
"The whole problem with modern times is that there's no pride in craftsmanship. When most kids make a snowball, the just mush a bunch of snow together. Everyone's a slave to efficiency! No time for aesthetics! No love of things for their own sake! But when I make a snowball, it's a work of art! This snow, for example, is just a little too powdery. It won't sting properly. I prefer a wetter snow: something with some more weight! Something that will really knock the wind out of the opponent! And how much loose rubble and dirt is acceptable before it affects the aerodynamics? Do you get better spin with an ellipsoid or a true sphere? Nobody considers these things any more! It's a lost tradition, I tell you! My snowballs aren't assembly line productions! They take me longer to make, but each one is a unique masterpiece! That's why I sign them. Watch this - HEY SUSIE! POW POW POW POW. It's a crass culture, Hobbes. Shoddy and quick is all anybody knows. Artists always suffer. Calvin tells Hobbes he's getting disillusioned with these New Years. He says they don't seem new at all. Each new year is just like the old year. Another year's gone by, and everything is still the same. There's still pollution, war, stupidity, and greed. Things haven't changed. He asks what kind of future this is. He thought things were supposed to improve. He thought the future was supposed to be better. Hobbes says the problem with the future is that it keeps turning into the present."
"*GASP* I (pant, pant) MADE it! *GASP* What's with you? I thought you were out building a snowman. I did (pant, pant), but I brought him to life (pant, pant) and now he's after me! I barely escaped! Uh huh. Lookout the window! He's probably lurching around the yard! Good heavens, you build a snowman right on the front step?! How are we going to get out the door?! AUGHH! He's looking in! he knows where I live!! Calvin runs inside, gasping for air. Calvin tells Mom he built the snowman, but then he brought it to life. Now, the snowman is after Calvin. Calvin tells Mom to look out the window. Mom looks and sees the snowman on the"
"You brought a snowman to LIFE?? I didn't think he'd be evil! What are we going to do? I dunno, but we've got to get rid of him somehow. Maybe we could lure him inside and he'd melt! It would take him HOURS, and if he didn't kill Mom, she'd have a fit about the water on the floor. Hmm... how did they finally kill 'Frosty'? Beats me. Now I wish I'd watched that dumb show! Maybe they stabbed him with an icicle. Calvin and Hobbes hide behind a tree. Calvin didn't know the snowman he brought to life would be evil. He knows they have to get rid of it. Hobbes suggests luring him inside so he'd melt. Calvin rejects that idea. It would take hours, it might kill Mom, and if it didn't, Mom would have a fit about the water on the floor. Hobbes asks how they finally killed 'Frosty'. Calvin wishes he'd watched that show. He suggests maybe they stabbed him with an icicle."
"Yikes! There he is! Pack snowballs! Maybe we can knock him out! Yaa! Yaaa! UNGHH! The snowballs just STUCK to him! Look, it's given him an idea! He's packing more snow onto himself! He's making himself bigger! Oh NO! Hiding behind a tree, Calvin and Hobbes attack the snowman with snowballs. They stick to the snowman. That gives the snowman an idea. He starts packing more snow onto himself, making himself bigger."
"He keeps packing more snow on himself! He's getting huge! This is really creepy. Now he's made a big snowball and he's putting rocks and sticks in it! I wonder what he's making. Ewww! He's giving himself two weird heads!! Any time the sun wanted to come out, it would be just fine with me. NOW he's added another ARM! He's turned himself into a deranged mutant killer monster snow goon!! The snowman packs more snow onto himself. It makes a big snowball and puts rocks and sticks onto it. The snowman has given himself another head. Hobbes says anytime the sun wants to come out is alright with him. Calvin notices the snowman has added another arm. It's turned itself into a deranged mutant killer monster snow goon."
"The snow goon is lumbering off toward the front yard! Let's cut around the house and build a fort! What do you suppose it's going to do? I don't know, but whatever it is, we're going to need protection! Calvin, that snowman out front is hideous. Why can't you make a NORMAL snowman? I tried, Dad. I tried. The snow goon goes to the front yard. Calvin and Hobbes cut around the house to build a snow fort. Calvin doesn't know what the snow goon is going to do, but he knows they're going to need protection. Dad tells Calvin the snowman out front is hideous. He asks why Calvin can't build a normal one. Calvin replies that he tried."
"You know, Hobbes, it seems the only time most people go outside is to walk to their cars. We have houses, electricity, plumbing, heat... maybe we're so sheltered and comfortable that we've lost touch with the natural world and forgotten our place in it. Maybe we've lost our awe of nature. That's why I want to ask YOU, as a tiger, a wild animal close to nature, what you think we're put on earth to do. What's our purpose in life? Why are we here? We're here to devour each other alive. Turn on the lights! Turn up the heat! Calvin builds a snowman on the porch. He puts his coat and hat on the snowman. He yells that he's home and hides next to the porch. Hobbes opens the door, sees the snowman, then asks why Calvin is on the ground without his coat. He says no reason. Calvin puts his coat and hat back on, kicks the snowman off the porch, starts to open the door, and Hobbes pounces on him."
"This will be the strongest snow fort ever built! Ughh ngghh rghh mnhg UNNHH. There! We're safe from that snow goon NOW! I wonder why we haven't seen him for a while. Calvin and Hobbes are building their snow fort. The snow goon makes another snow goon. Calvin, in their snow fort, says they're safe now. Hobbes wonders why they haven't seen him for awhile."
"Hi Calvin. Nice snow fort. I'll say! The walls are two feet thick and we've got snowballs in here! Who are you fighting? There's a snow goon running loose! If I were you, I wouldn't stick around. This could get ugly. What's a snow goon? It's like a snow man, but a grotesque, evil, demented monster. Oh, is THAT what all those ugly things you made in the front yard are? What do you mean, 'all those'? Susie comments on Calvin's snow fort. Calvin tells her the walls are two feet thick and they have fifty snowballs. Susie wonders who he's fighting. Calvin tells her there's a snow goon running loose. Susie asks what a snow goon"
"Look, a NEW snow goon! That's not the one I made! The original snow goon must be making his OWN snow goons! OH NO! I'll bet he's making an army! In a few days, he could build a hundred snow goons! If each of THEM build ANOTHER hundred, and then THOSE all build a hundred MORE, why... that would be pretty cool, if they weren't out to kill me. I vote we make tracks for Florida. There's a new snow goon, but it's not one Calvin made. He says the original snow goon must be making his own. Calvin fears he's making a snow goon army. He speculates how many there would be if the original made a hundred snow goons, then each of them makes their own goons. Calvin thinks that would be cool, if they weren't out to kill him. Hobbes suggests making tracks for Florida."
"Calvin, it's late! Time to come in! I can't, Mom! I've got to kill snow goons! You can kill them tomorrow after school. C'mon inside. But by tomorrow, there will be more of them! Let's go, Calvin. Moms and reason are like oil and water. Mom yells for Calvin to come inside, it's late. Calvin replies that he has to stay to kill snow goons. Mom says he can kill them after school tomorrow. Calvin warns there will be more of them then. Mom tells Calvin to come in. As he heads to the house, Calvin says that Moms and reason are like oil and water."
"Can you see the snow goons out there? Yeah. They're still making more of each other. How many did you see? About 15. Man, how am I going to school tomorrow? I'll never even make it to the bus stop! I can't outrun 15 snow goons! I'm as good as dead! Sweet dreams. Yeah, right! Can I take an ax to school tomorrow for ... um... show and tell? In bed, Calvin asks Hobbes if he sees any snow goons outside. He says they're still making more. There are about fifteen now. Calvin doesn't think he'll even make it to the bus stop tomorrow. He is sure the snow goons will catch him. Mom kisses Calvin good night. Calvin asks her if he can bring an ax to school tomorrow....for show and tell."
"The snow goons aren't moving! They're asleep! Now's our chance to go bump 'em off! We can't go outside NOW! It's 10 o'clock at night! Oh yeah. Mom and Dad are still up. We'll have to wait at least an hour. At night, Calvin looks out his window to see the snow goons aren't moving. They're asleep. Calvin thinks this will be their best chance to bump them off. Hobbes says they can't go out now, it's 10:00 at night. Calvin says Mom and Dad will still be up. They'll have to wait at least an hour."
"Calvin, this is the last time I'm calling you! Get up before you miss the bus! Well, look who's finally up! It's Mr Sunshine! You know, Calvin, from now on, you're going to bed earlier. This dragging out of bed late with a surly attitude every morning is going to stop. You're only kidding yourself, bucko. Bedtime is 7:00. We should've adopted a 25-year-old with his own apartment. Calvin wonders why he dreams when he sleeps. He asks Hobbes if their brains get bored. He wonders why they don't just sleep. Hobbes thinks they dream so they don't have to be apart so long. If they are in each other's dreams, they can play all night. Calvin thinks that sounds right. Calvin says he'll see Hobbes in his dreams in a few minutes. Hobbes says he'll be there. They roll over to sleep. They're asleep with smiles on their faces."
"Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! HA HA HA! DIE SNOW GOON, DIE! Calvin and Hobbes quietly come down the stairs, saying 'Shh' to each other. They get dressed to go outside, saying 'Shh' to each other. They leave the house, saying 'Shh' to each other. Mom and Dad are startled awake by Calvin yelling for the snow goon to die."
"More water, Hobbes! We'll freeze the snow goons right where they snooze! Die! Die! Let out more hose! Ha ha! These monsters will be popsicles through July! There! We got 'em all! I'll spray a little extra water around, just to make sure everything's absolutely frozen. Psst, Calvin! Your parents' light is on! I think your Dad's coming! Uh oh! Maybe I should get HIM with the hose, too. Calvin is spraying water over the snow goons. He says he'll freeze them where they snooze. He walks through the yard spraying water all over. He covers all the snow goons, then sprays some more water around to be sure everything's frozen. Hobbes notices Mom and Dad's light is on. He tells Calvin that he thinks Dad is coming. Calvin wonders if he should spray Dad, also."
"That IS Calvin! He's outside with the garden hose! It's after midnight! What do we have to do, CHAIN him in bed?! CALVIN GET IN HERE! WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE WAAUGHH! THE WHOLE YARD'S ICE! Run, Hobbes! Dad's a snow goon too! Mom and Dad get out of bed. Mom sees Calvin outside with the garden hose. Dad runs outside yelling for Calvin to come inside. He slips on the ice created by Calvin's watering and slides across the yard. Calvin runs off with Hobbes while being chased by Dad, who is covered with snow. Calvin yells that Dad is a snow goon, too."
"Dad, don't kill me! I can explain this! Help! Help! Snow goons! I froze 'em! They were going to GET me, so I had to get them first! Ask Hobbes! Calvin, it is after midnight. Believe me, we will discuss this VERY thoroughly tomorrow. You get into bed this instant. Like I'm going to get any sleep NOW. Dad carries Calvin into the house. Calvin says he can explain. He tells Mom that he had to freeze the snow goons or they would have gotten him. Dad tells Calvin it's after midnight. He says they'll discuss it very thoroughly tomorrow. He sends Calvin to bed. Wide-eyed, Calvin tells Hobbes he's not going to get any sleep now."
"See?? See the snow goons? I didn't make them! I mean, I made ONE, sort of by accident, but the rest made themselves! They were building an army, see? See, that's why I had to freeze them last night! I had to get 'em while they were sleeping! It was my only chance, see? See, it all makes sense! See? See?? They never see. Calvin explains to Mom and Dad how the snow goons were building an army. He asks if they see. He explains he had to freeze them while they were sleeping. He asks if they see. He says it all makes sense. He asks if they see. Mom and Dad just look at Calvin. Sitting on his bed, Calvin tells Hobbes they never see."
"Well, Hobbes, I guess there's a moral to all this. What's that? Snow Goons are bad news. That lesson certainly ought to be inapplicable elsewhere in life. I like maxims that don't encourage behavior modification. As the snow goons melt, Calvin tells Hobbes there's a moral to all this. He says 'snow goons are bad news'. Hobbes says that lesson certainly ought to be inapplicable elsewhere in life. Calvin tells him he likes maxims that don't encourage behavior modification."
"What do you know about love, Hobbes? Lots! Yeah? Like what? I'm not telling. WHY NOT? It's a sophisticated thing. SOPHISTICATED?! Whaddaya MEAN sophisticated?? I'M sophisticated! Why won't you talk about it? Nice weather today. RRRRGH!! You know something and you won't tell me what it is! Maybe when you're older. When I'm OLDER?! Why can't you tell me now?! Some things you wouldn't understand. Ha! I bet you don't know ANYthing about love! THAT's why you won't tell me!! If that's what you want to believe, go ahead. TELL ME! NO! TELL ME! NOT! TELL ME! NO! TELL ME! NO! TELL ME! NO! Look, just give me a hint, OK? One hint, c'mon! OK, here! 'Snoogy-woogy wips'. EWW See? I told you you weren't old enough. Spaceman Spiff crashes on Planet Plootarg. He sets off in search of a service station. He sees the Zarches have followed him to the planet's surface to finish him off. The planet's soft, granular ground makes him easy to track. He runs backwards, so his tracks show him going the opposite direction. By continuing past a hiding place and doubling back, Spiff fools the aliens. Calvin, up in a tree, looks down at Mom and Dad. They're yelling that it's time to go in. Dad says he knows Calvin went this way, and that they'll find him."