"I've decided I don't want to be famous. No? Nah. ANY idiot can be famous. I figure I'M more the LEGENDARY type! Uh huh. Well, I didn't mean right this second! In the bathtub, Calvin tells Hobbes he's decided he doesn't want to be famous. He says any idiot can be famous. He figures he's more the legendary type. Hobbes dubiously agrees as Calvin makes soap suds bunny ears for himself. Calvin adds that he didn't mean right this second."
"Can we burn these leaves? No, that pollutes. But how can we appease the mighty snow demons if we don't sacrifice any leaves?! We'll have a warm winter. I don't know whether your grasp of theology or meteorology is the more appalling. I guess I'll go light some candles around the toboggan and beg for mercy. Dad has rakes leaves into a pile. Calvin asks if they can burn them. Dad says that pollutes. Calvin wonders how they'll appease the mighty snow demons if they don't sacrifice any leaves. They'll have a warm winter. Dad doesn't know whether Calvin's grasp of theology or meteorology is more appalling. Calvin walks off saying he'll light some candles around the toboggan and beg for mercy."
"Do you think tigers go to the same heaven that people go to? I mean, in heaven, everyone is supposed to be HAPPY, right? But people wouldn't be happy if they were always in danger of being eaten by tigers! On the other hand, heaven wouldn't be very nice WITHOUT tigers, either. I wouldn't be happy if there weren't any tigers. I'd miss them. Maybe tigers just don't eat people in heaven. But then WE wouldn't be happy. Calvin asks Hobbes if he thinks tigers go to the same heaven people go to. Calvin says in heaven, people are supposed to be happy. But people couldn't be happy if they were always in danger of being eaten by tigers. Calvin doesn't think heaven would be nice without tigers, either. He wouldn't be happy without tigers. He'd miss them. Calvin wonders if maybe tigers just don't eat people in heaven. Hobbes says but then they wouldn't be happy."
"Either he's playing classical music at 78 RMP, or I'm still dreaming. First thing tomorrow morning, I'm calling the orphanage. There are monsters under Calvin's bed. They tell Calvin there's a shiny toy for him under the bed. Come get it. Calvin says they just want him to come down so they can grab him with an oozing appendage, slowly paralyze him with some vile secretion, and devour him alive. He says forget it. As he turns to lie in bed, he tells Hobbes they are stupid monsters. All fangs and no brains. The monsters whisper to Hobbes that they'll give him some salmon if he pushes the kid over the bed. Hobbes asks if the salmon is fresh. They say it is. Calvin, horrified, yells for Hobbes not to listen to them."
"Hey Dad, I'll guess any number you're thinking of! Go ahead, and pick a number! Mm... OK, I've got it. Is it 92,376,051? By golly, it is! Wait a minute! You're just trying to get RID of me, aren't you?! No, you're psychic. Go show Mom. Calvin tells Dad he'll guess any number Dad's thinking of. He tells Dad to pick a number, and Dad does. Calvin asks if it's 92,376,051. Dad says it is. Calvin is shocked. He points at Dad and says wait a minute. He wonders if Dad is just trying to get rid of him. Dad says Calvin's psychic. He tells Calvin to go show Mom."
"A lot of people don't have principles, but I do! I'm a highly principled person! I live according to one principle, and never deviate from it. What's your principle? 'Look out for number one.' Calvin tells Hobbes a lot of people don't have principles, but he does. He's highly principled. He says he lives by one principle, and he never deviates from it. Hobbes asks what it is. Calvin tells him 'Look out for number one'."
"Mom, you know the sandwich you packed for me today? Well, by lunch time, the jelly had soaked into the bread. That grosses me out. So tomorrow, I'd like the jelly put in a separate container with a knife, so I can spread the jelly at the last possible moment before I eat the sandwich. Also, you keep using the bread from the middle of the loaf. I only like those pieces for toast. For sandwiches, I want only the end pieces, because they don't absorb as much jelly. Got it? Doggone it, she did it again! Calvin complains to Mom that the sandwich she made him for lunch had the jelly soaking into the bread. That grosses him out. He tells Mom tomorrow he wants the jelly in a separate container with a knife so he can spread the jelly at the last moment before he eats the sandwich. He continues to complain Mom uses bread from the middle of the loaf. He likes those for toast. He wants end pieces for sandwiches, because they don't absorb as much jelly. He asks if she's got that. The next day, Calvin opens his lunch to see his sandwich is the same as before. Calvin complains that she did it again."
"Why, look! You made your bed without even being told to! That's wonderful, Calvin! Gee, your Mom sure is nice when you help her. Yeah, that's the reason I usually don't. I like Mom to be impressed when I fulfill the least of my obligations. Mom sees that Calvin has made his bed without being asked. Hobbes comments that Mom is sure nice when Calvin helps her. He says that's the reason he usually doesn't. Calvin wants Mom to be impressed when he fulfills the least of his obligations."
"Look out of the window! It's snowing! There's must be almost half an inch! By morning, I'll bet there's tons of snow! Do you think the schools will close?? What? OH YEAH? WELL, SAME TO YOU!! I wonder how a crabby guy like him got to be superintendent. Calvin is on the phone. He tells someone to look out the window, it's snowing. By morning, he bets there'll be tons of snow. He asks if the person thinks the schools will close. Calvin hears the answer and angrily says back 'Well, same to you'. Climbing back in bed, Calvin asks Hobbes how a crabby guy like that got to be superintendent."
"That was quite a ride. I'll say. I've never seen a sled catch fire before. We're lucky the pond hadn't frozen. Covered with snow, Calvin tells Hobbes that was quite a ride. Hobbes says he's never seen a sled catch fire before. Calvin says they're lucky the pond hadn't frozen."
"Why can't I ever find my stupid scarf? Hobbes and I are going outside Mom. This is going to be the biggest snowman ever built! People will come from miles to see our gigantic snoman! This won't go any more. It's too big to push. Ok, leave it here. I'm exhausted! Well we can't stop now! We need nine more of these! Nine more?! Sure! This is just one of his toes! Calvin sees Susie. He wishes he had a snowball to smack her with. Hobbes says he bets Santa Claus heard that. Calvin remembers. Hobbes suggests Calvin apologize. Calvin does. Hobbes suggests he better say he likes Susie. Calvin says that's going too far. Hobbes says he better say he'd like to give her muchas smooches. Calvin starts to fight with Hobbes. Susie asks what he's doing. She doesn't know what's weirder, that he's fighting a stuffed animal, or that he seems to be losing. Susie leaves. Hobbes says after today, Santa will take a shovel to the reindeer stalls to fill Calvin's stocking."
"Lemonade! Get youre ice-cold lemonade! Just five dollars a glass, while it lasts! How are sales? Terrible. I don't understand it. It sure is cold out. Yep. See, my lemonade has 'all-natural' refrigeration! Want to buy a glass? Sorry. All my savings are in bonds. Maybe I should start charging TEN dollars so I don't have to sell as much. Standing outside in his coat, hat, and gloves, Calvin is selling lemonade. He's offering it for five dollars a glass. Hobbes asks how sales are. Calvin says they're terrible, and he doesn't understand it. Hobbes says it's cold out. Calvin says his lemonade has 'all-natural' refrigeration. He asks if Hobbes wants to buy a glass. Hobbes says all his savings is in bonds. Calvin thinks maybe he should charge ten dollars a glass so he doesn't have to sell as much."
"When I grow up, I'm going to be phenomenally rich! I'm going to be the richest man alive! But I won't let wealth change me! Rats. That was our last hope. You're going to be pretty lonely in the nursing home. Maybe then I can finish this book. Calvin tells Dad that when he grows up, he's going to be the richest man alive. He says he won't let wealth change him. Dad says that was their last hope. Calvin fumes. He tells Dad he's going to be pretty lonely in the nursing home. Dad says then maybe he can finish the book he's reading."
"Want to hear a joke I made up? Sure! What do you get when you cross a cantaloupe with Lassie? I give up. A mellon-collie baby! Get it?? Ah ha ha ha ha ha! Oh! Oh! Haa ha ha! He just doesn't want to face up to the fact that I'll be the life of every party. Calvin tells Hobbes a joke he just made up. What do you get when you cross a cantaloupe with Lassie? A meloncollie baby. Calvin laughs, but Hobbes doesn't. Calvin walks off saying Hobbes doesn't want to face the fact that Calvin will be the life of every party."
"NAB! CLUNK! You just can't ever be too careful. Cheater. Calvin is sitting on the chair in the living room. He takes his shoe off and dangles it over the edge of the chair. He lets it go, and Hobbes reaches out and grabs it. Calvin says you just can't ever be too careful."
"Honey, have you seen my glasses? I can't find them anywhere. I haven't seen them. ! ! Calvin, go do something you hate! Being miserable builds character! OK, the voice was a little funny, but that's still one darn sarcastic kid we're raising. Dad asks Mom if she's seen his glasses. He can't find them. Calvin comes out wearing Dad's glasses and has his hair slicked down. Calvin puts his arms on his hips and tells Dad 'Calvin, go do something you hate. Being miserable builds character'. Mom falls off the chair laughing. Dad tells her the voice was a little funny, but that's one darn sarcastic kid they're raising."
"AUGHH Those child psychology books we bought were such a waste of money. Hobbes crouches, then leaps into the air onto Calvin. Later, Calvin walks by Mom. He's wearing a football helmet and has pillows tied in front and in back of himself. Mom thinks those child psychology books they bought were such a waste of money."
"Aaaaahhh! Eeee! Hee hee hee hee! Woo! Ack! I've got you! Aaheeeee! Tickle tickle! Ah! Ah! Hee hee hee woo hoo! I'm gonna getcha! I'm coming after you! Eek! Hee hee. Here I come! Gotcha! Gootchie gootchie! Akpth! Ha ha ha. Eeep! Ha ha hee hee ooh! Ooh! Ha ha ha. Tickle, tickle! Whoa! Whoa! We'd better stop. Calm down, calm down. Ha ha hoo hoo hee hee ha. Hee hee whoof! Ha ha! (pant pant) hee hee hee wheeeeeeee ... her plan backfired dad. I'm all wound up, and Mom needs to be put to bed. For show-and-tell, Calvin has bone fragments he unearthed in his front yard. He says they look like ordinary driveway gravel, but he recognized them as part of a jawbone from a new species of carnosaur. He has an illustration of the Calvinosaurus as it would have appeared. He says he'll be publishing his full findings soon. He feels he'll be the recipient of many paleontology prizes. He says those students who were mean to him will suffer then. He says he'll employ his resources to make their puny lives miserable. He'll crush their pitiful dreams and ambitions like bugs in the dust. But he offers an alternative. He's accepting a limited number of applications to be his pal. It costs just $20 per person. Calvin sits in the principal's office. Calvin tells him to just wait."
Watching a Christmas special? Yep. Another show extolling love and peace interrupted every seven minutes by commercials extolling greed and waste. I hate to think what you're learning from this. I'm learning I nee my own TV so I can watch someplace else. Dad asks Calvin if he's watching a Christmas special. Calvin says yes. Dad comments on another show extolling love and peace interrupted every seven minutes by commercials extolling greed and waste. Dad walks off saying he hates to think what Calvin's learning from this. Calvin says he's learning he needs his own TV so he can watch it someplace else.
"I'm writing my Christmas list, Hobbes. Should I add anything for you? Hmm... I can't think of anything. NOTHING?! You don't want anything at ALL?!? I've got a good home and a best friend. What more could a tiger want? It must be sad being a species with so little imagination. Calvin tells Hobbes he's writing his Christmas list. He asks if Hobbes wants him to add anything for him. Hobbes can't think of anything. Calvin is outraged. Hobbes tells him he has a good home and a best friend. He asks what more could a tiger want. Calvin says it must be sad being a species with so little imagination."
"Thanks for helping me mail my letter to Santa. It sure was heavy. Those big envelopes hold only a couple hundred pages. That's why I used a box. I hope Santa doesn't throw his back out when he gets it. All I can say is, THIS year Santa had better bring everything on my list! I've been extremely good all year! What about the noodle incident? NO ONE CAN PROVE I DID THAT!! Calvin thanks Hobbes for helping him mail his Christmas list. He says big envelopes could only hold a couple hundred pages. That's why he used a box. Hobbes hopes Santa doesn't throw out his back when he gets it. Calvin says Santa better bring everything on his list. He says he's been extremely good all year. Hobbes asks about the noodle incident. Calvin yells that no one can prove he did that."
"This whole business of Santa rewarding GOOD kids and neglecting BAD kids really bugs me. ... not that I have anything to worry about, of course. A paragon of virtue, that's you. Right! But see, there are certain things a GOOD kid could do that might look BAD in a certain light, if one didn't consider all the mitigating circumstances. Like keeping an incontenent toad in your Mom's sweater drawer? Exactly. If I was being raised in a better environment, I wouldn't do things like that. Calvin says this whole business of Santa rewarding good kids and neglecting kids bugs him. He adds that he doesn't have anything to worry about. Hobbes clears his throat, calling Calvin a paragon of virtue. Calvin explains a good kid could do something that looks bad, if one didn't consider the mitigating circumstances. Hobbes asks if he means like putting an incontinent toad in Mom's sweater drawer. Calvin says if he was being raised in a better environment, he wouldn't do things like that."
"I think if Santa is going to judge my behaviour over the last yeaer, I ought to be entitled to legal representation. I mean, let's face it, a lot of Christmas loot is at stake here, and the constitution says no person should be deprived of property without due process of law. So you can be my lawyer, OK? It's easy! Me?? Sure! Here's a legal bad! You're all set! OK, but I don't take pro bono cases. Calvin thinks if Santa is going to judge his behavior over the past year, he ought to be entitled to legal representation. A lot of Christmas loot is at stake. The Constitution says no person should be deprived of property"
"OK, Hobbes, as my lawyer, you'll need to review the facts of my case. Right. We'll try to establish that you were insane at the time of the alleged crimes. We're not copping an INSANITY plea, you moron! We're saying I'm INNOCENT! Insulting an attorney is a penal offense, so watch it, buster. You're supposed to argue that I haven't been bad this year, and I deserve to be on Santa's 'good' list! If THAT's our case, I advise you to settle out of court. In a minute, you and I are going to settle this out of DOORS. Calvin says as his lawyer, Hobbes will have to review the facts of the case. Hobbes says they'll try to establish Calvin was insane at the time of the alleged crimes. Calvin doesn't want to cop a plea of insanity. He says he's innocent. Hobbes tells Calvin insulting his attorney is a penal offense. Calvin tells him he's supposed to argue he deserves to be on Santa's 'good' list. Hobbes advises Calvin to settle out of court. Calvin angrily says in a minute, they are going to settle this out of doors."
"If you ask ME, Hobbes, the whole notion of 'instant gratification' is a MYTH! I don't ever get what I want when I want it! I always have to wait! Look how long it's taken me to be six years old! Practically forever! When do I get to drive?! When can I go see gory, violent movies?! Why do I have to wait till I'm older? People say life's a journey, but I'm tired of wasting my precious time in transit! I say, if you want to find out where the road goes, get in the fast lane and hit the gas! Spare me the scenery and let's get where we're going! I'm a busy guy! I've got places to be! SUMP! SPLOOP Gosh, that was over quick. Calvin thinks nobody could be watching every kid every minute. He says Santa's old. He figures Santa makes just random checks on them once or twice a week. He tells Hobbes Santa would catch enough bad kids that way to scare everyone else into being good most of the time. Now that Calvin is on to Santa, he's going to smack Susie with a snowball. If he does it quick, the odds of Santa catching him are virtually nil. Hobbes asks what if Susie tells on him. He hadn't thought of that. He drops the snowball. He walks off with Hobbes saying he hopes Santa's watching now, seeing as he's being so good. Hobbes says he's unwillingly good, but good nonetheless."
"So long, Mom! Hobbes and I are off to the north pole. The north pole? Yep! We're going to see Santa. How come? You already sent him your Christmas list. Yeah, but I'm afraid Santa might not have considered MY version of certain recent events. Hobbes is going to be my lawyer and present my case. Just how recent are these recent events you're talking about? Gotta go, Mom. It's a long walk. Calvin tells Mom that he and Hobbes are off to the North Pole. Mom asks why he's going there since he's sent his Christmas list already. Calvin is afraid Santa hasn't considered Calvin's version of certain recent events. Mom asks just how recent are these recent events he's talking about. Calvin says it's a long walk, so he has to go."
"OK, here's our strategy: when we get to the north pole, we tell Santa that I've been the victim of malicious slander by my enemies, and we're appealing to him for justice. We say that I'm really a GOOD kid... a good kid with a good heart! We say I'm good, good, good, from the moment I get up until... Hey! There's Susie! ... until the moment a thought enters your head. I don't think she saw us! Quick, pack some slushballs! Calvin maps out their strategy of telling Santa that Calvin has been the victim of malicious slanders by his enemies. Calvin says they tell Santa Calvin is a good kid with a good heart. Calvin notices Susie. He starts to pack slushballs."
"Susie's still concentrating on her snowman! Let's sneak up and barrage her with slushballs! Two minutes ago we were on our way to tell Santa how GOOD you are, remember? Have you lost your marbles?! Oops. I forgot. How many presents do you think I'd forfeit for just one clean smack upside Susie's head? Calvin tells Hobbes Susie is concentrating on her snowman. He wants to barrage her with slushballs. Hobbes reminds him that two minutes ago, they were on their way to tell Santa how good Calvin was. Calvin looks at the slushballs on the ground. He asks Hobbes how many presents he thought Calvin would forfeit for one clean smack upside Susie's head."
"Look, I'm not going to be your lawyer if you can't even walk a block without pasting someone with a slushball! It's not just 'someone'! It's SUSIE! It's a GIRL! Santa would understand! He would so! What? Oh yeah? I don't care! I'm going to hit Susie with a big, icy slushball! Oh really? Well, maybe that furry mug of YOURS needs a slushball, too! Yeah, you heard me! Ow! No biting! Shh! Shh! Hold it! ... did you just hear a snicker?"
"Plotting to hit me with a slushball, eh? Well, HERE! POW! See that? See that?! She hit me first! Now if I hit her, it's justified! Ha ha ha! Sweet revenge! Oh boy! Oh boy! ... or you could PROVE to Santa how good you are. It's your big chance... I DON'T WANT TO BE THIS GOOD! Susie smacks Calvin with her slushball. Calvin is happy, because since she hit him first, it's justified. Hobbes tells him it's a chance to show Santa how good he is. Calvin, head covered in slush, says he doesn't want to be that good."