"Look Mom, I made a mask. Are you getting ready for Haloween? Huh? No, this is for every day. You know how Hobbes always sneaks up from behind and pounces on me? No... Well, he does. But if you wear a mask like this on the back of your head, tigers can't tell which way you're facing, and they can't sneak up. I think your train of thought is a runaway. I read they wear these in India. Here, I made a mask for you too. Calvin shows Mom a mask he made. She asks if it's for Halloween. Calvin tells her it's for every day. Since Hobbes sneaks up and attacks him from behind, Calvin can wear the mask on the back of his head. Hobbes won't know which way he's facing, so he can't sneak up. Mom says his train of thought is a runaway."
"Here, Dad. I made you a mask like mine. You wear it on the back of your head to prevent tiger attacks. Um... Tigers always try to get you from behin, but with this mask on, they can't tell which way you're facing, so they don't pounce. I read it in a book. Well, I appreciate your concern, but I think I'll take my chances and not look like a lunatic. OK, if you'd rather look like raw hamburger, be my guest. Honey, are we out of aspirin again? Calvin gives Dad a mask so he can avoid tiger attacks. Calvin says he read in a book that tigers can't tell which way you're facing with the mask on. Dad decides he'll take a chance and not look like a lunatic. Calvin says if he'd rather look like raw hamburger, be his guest. Dad asks Mom if they're out of aspirin again."
"Well, if it isn't ol' rocket-butt! I guess you won't be pouncing on ME any more! See, I'm wearing a mask on the back of my head! Now you can't tell which way I'm facing, so you can't sneak up from behind! I've finally thwarted your murderous recreation! Maybe this will teach you that PEOPLE are smarter than ANIMALS! You can't outwit a human! No fair! You didn't even sneak up! Calvin tells Hobbes he won't be pouncing on him anymore. He shows Hobbes his mask. He tells Hobbes he's finally thwarted Hobbes' murderous recreation. Calvin boasts that this will show Hobbes that people are smarter than animals. Hobbes gets Calvin in his mouth. Calvin complains that wasn't fair. Hobbes didn't even sneak up."
"In the middle ages, lords and vassals lived in a futile system. That's 'feudal' system. Just when I thought this junk was beginning to make sense. Calvin is writing a report. He writes 'In the Middle Ages, lords and vassals lived in a futile system'. Hobbes looks at the paper and tells Calvin that's supposed to be 'feudal' system. Dejectedly, Calvin says just when he thought this junk was beginning to make sense."
"I'm a genius. I can't believe how smart I am. I've got more brains than I know what to do with. So I've noticed. Woo hoo hoo Walking in the woods, Calvin tells Hobbes he can't believe how smart he is. Calvin says he has more brains than he knows what to do with. Hobbes says he's noticed, and walks along whistling. Calvin catches on and starts chasing Hobbes."
"A brilliant bolt of deadly frap ray blazes by the intrepid Spaceman Spiff! Our hero has very high insurance premiums. The courageous Spaceman Spiff is hit! He plummets toward planet Zog! Breaking through the cloud layer, he careens over an alien city! There's no place to land! Spiff wrestles the uncooperative controls! More freem drive to the thuster busters! Too much stress! The fuel explodes in flame! The situation is grim! Ten seconds to impact! Nine ... eight ... Well Calvin?? Seven! Very good Calvin. Ten minus three equals seven. I" "didn't think you were paying attention. That question was worth three points. Our hero miraculously makes a three-point landing. Spiff saves the day again! Hobbes passes the football to Calvin. Calvin runs after it, and Hobbes runs past him. Calvin makes the catch, only to turn and have Hobbes tackle him. Hobbes picks up the fumble. He asks whose team he was on when he recovered the ball. Calvin tells him it doesn't matter. The game's called on account of sudden death."
"Gimme that ball or I'll punch your face in. Smart move, sissy boy. In my opinion, we don't devote nearly enough scientific research to finding a cure for jerks. Moe tells Calvin to give him the ball, or he'll punch Calvin's face in. When Calvin does, Moe tells him that was a smart move, sissy boy. Calvin walks off and says we don't devote nearly enough scientific research to find a cure for jerks."
"Open wide... open wide... that's good... Now this might cause some slight discomfort... hold real still.... Rrgghh! Mmf! Rrg! Stop thrashing! I've almost got it... almost... mmf! THERE! Boy, it's a good think you had this removed! Just look at all these bad spots! Lunch shouldn't have to be like this. Calvin looks into his lunch sack and tells it to open wide. He tells it this might cause some discomfort, as he prepares to reach inside. Calvin struggles with the bag, telling it to stop thrashing, he almost has it. He pulls out an apple. He says it's a good thing the bag had this removed. Calvin notes the bad spots. Susie has her head down next to her lunch thinking lunch shouldn't have to be like this."
"Take a look at this. Wouldn't you say this is a great drawing? I mean, can you BELIEVE my teacher didn't like it? She said it wasn't 'serious'! By golly, if this isn't serious art, then nothing is! Who set Miss Wormwood up as an arbiter of aesthetics anyway? This is a beautiful work of power and depth! It's a stegosaurus in a rocket ship, right? See? YOU understood it! Calvin shows Hobbes a picture and asks if he wouldn't say this was a great drawing. He says his teacher didn't like it. She said it wasn't 'serious'. Calvin wonders who made Miss Wormwood the arbiter of aesthetics. He claims the picture is a beautiful work of power and depth. Hobbes asks if it's a stegosaurus in a rocket ship. Calvin says see, Hobbes understands it."
"On the one hand, it's a good sign for us artists that, in this age of visual bombardment from all media, a simple drawing can provoke and shock viewers. It confirms that images still have power. On the other hand, my teacher's reactionary grading shows that our society is culturally illiterate and that, many people can't tell good art from a hole in the ground. This drawing I did obviously challenges the know-nothing complacency of those who prefer safe, predigested, bucolic genre scenes. My 'C-' firmly establishes me on the cutting edge of the avantegarde. Don't you have to wear silly clothes then? Calvin says on one hand, it's good to know images still have power in this age of visual bombardment from all media. But on the other hand, the teacher's grading shows our society is culturally illiterate and many people can't tell good art from a hole in the ground. Calvin's drawing obviously challenges the know-nothing complacency of those who prefer safe, predigested, bucolic genre scenes. Calvin figures his 'C-' firmly establishes him on the cutting edge of the avant-garde. Hobbes asks if he then has to wear silly clothes."
"The hard part for us avante-garde post-modern artists is deciding whether or not to embrace commercialism. Do we allow our work to be hyped and exploited by a market that's simply hungry for the next new thing? Do we participate in a system that turns high art into low art so it's better suited for mass consumption? Of course, when an artist goes commercial, he makes a mockery of his status as an outsider and free thinker. He buys into the crass and shallow values art should transcend. He trades the integrity of his art for riches and fame. Oh, what the heck. I'll do it. That wasn't so hard. Calvin tells Hobbes the hard part for avant-garde artists is deciding whether or not to embrace commercialism. Should their work be hyped and exploited by a market hungry for the next new thing? Do they turn high art into low art so it's better suited for mass consumption? Calvin knows an artist doing that makes a mockery of his status as a free thinker. He trades the integrity of his art for riches and fame. Calvin says he'll do it."
"Today I drew another picture in my 'Dinosaurs in Rocket Ships' series, and Miss Wormwood threatened to give me a bad mark in her grade book if I didn't stop! The arts are under attack! Freedom of expression is being squelched! The authoritie are trying to silence any view contrary to their own! What does your teacher object to about drawing dinosaurs? Mostly my drawing them during math."
"I'm ready for bed, Dad. What's tonight's story going to be? Here's one, 'Readings on Dialectical Metaphysics.' You'll love it. Forget it Dad. You can't get me to drop off that easy. Will you read us this story? Hobbes wrote it himself. Hobbes wrote it, huh? 'Goldilocks and the three tigers.' Oh boy, this is gonna be great! 'Once upon a time there lived a young girl named Goldilocks. She went into the forest and saw a cottage. No one was home so she went in. Inside she saw three bowls of porridge. A big bowl, a medium bowl, and a small bowl. She was just about to taste the porridge when the three tigers came home. They quickly divided Goldilocks into big, medium, and small pieces and dunked them in the porridge that ...' Calvin, I'm not going to finish this! This is disgusting!! I don't know why I let you talk to me into this. Good night! Click. He didn't even look at our illustrations. Now I'm all hungry. Calvin's dinner grabs his drink and splashes him with it. While Calvin coughs, the dinner jumps up from its plate and hits Calvin in the face. He chases and grabs the dinner. Mom sees him on the table, food in hand, with cups and bowls scattered on the table. Mom clenches her teeth in anger. Calvin places an emergency call to the local Navy recruitment office."
"Another gorgeous, brisk fall day. What a waste to be going to school on a morning like this? What would you do if you could stay home this morning? Sleep right through it. Standing for the school bus, Calvin comments on it being another gorgeous fall day. He says it's a waste to go to school on a morning like this. Hobbes asks what he would do if Calvin could stay home that morning. Calvin tells him he'd sleep right through it."
"WHOA WHOAA WHOOOP BONK AHHHH! OOH! It COULD'VE happened by accident! Calvin sits at his desk reading a book. Suddenly, Calvin falls backward off the chair. He tumbles down, knocking the chair and desk over. He tells the teacher it could've happened by accident."
"Don't sit next to me, Calvin. I don't want to hear any disgusting comments about lunch. Relax. I won't talk about lunch at all. Instead, do you want to hear a riddle I made up? A riddle? OK. What's the difference between a garden slug and a two-inch-long living booger? EWW!! I can't think of a difference either. Susie tells Calvin not to sit by her at lunch. She doesn't want to hear any disgusting comments about lunch. Calvin says he won't talk about lunch at all. He tells Susie a riddle. What's the difference between a garden slug and a two-inch-long living booger. Susie runs off, while Calvin says he can't think of a difference either."
"Get off the swing, Twinky. Forget it, Moe. Wait your turn. PUNCH! It's hard to be religious when certain people are never incinerated by bolts of lightning. Moe tells Calvin to get off the swing. Calvin tells him to wait his turn. Moe punches Calvin. Calvin, lying on the ground, says it's hard to be religious when certain people are never incinerated by bolts of lightning."
"I'M HOME! There's no point in saving your lunch bags if you can't keep them cleaner than THIS! That's what YOU think. Calvin puts leaves in his lunch bag, then draws a face on it. He puts his shoes and coat around the bag and sets the bag on the porch. He yells that he's home, and Hobbes pounces on the lunch bag. After he comes inside, Mom looks at the bag and says there's no point in saving his lunch bag if he can't keep it any cleaner than that. Calvin says that's what she thinks."
"... tranquil Mt. Calvin... Suddenly, with a shaking rumble, he blows sky high! He's a live volcano! Geysers of molten lava spray into the heavens! I TOLD you that chili sauce was hot! GLUG GLUG GLUG Yechh, he spewed it all across the table! Tranquil Mt. Calvin blows sky high. He's a live volcano. Molten lava sprays into the heavens. Calvin is frantically drinking water at the dinner table. Dad tells him he warned him the chili sauce was hot. Mom says he spewed it all across the table."
"Toboggans give better rides than runner sleds. Why is that? There's no way to steer. On these cloudy winter days, sometimes I like to lie back on my sled and look at the sky. It's just gray and silent. No birds singing or bugs buzzing. Everything is muffled by the snow. Imagine what it would be like without any people or houses around. It would be perfectly still. Pretty neat huh? Yes, very peaceful. I hate all that silence. Calvin is yawning, making odd faces, frowning, making pucker faces, sticking his tongue out, sticking his finger in his nose, lifting the ends of his mouth, and pulling his face. Dad and Mom are looking at pictures. Dad says that's their son. Mom says these pictures will remind them of more than they want to remember."
"Hello, is your Dad there? No, he isn't. OK, will you write down my number and have him call me? Hold on. I need a pen. POW! AGHH! I've been shot! I hate taking messages. Calvin answers the phone. The caller asks if Dad is there, and Calvin says no. The caller asks for Calvin to write down his number and have Dad call. Calvin tells the caller to hang on. Calvin blows up a balloon, pops it, and yells he's been shot. As he walks off, he says he hates taking messages."
"Mom, do we have a shoe box I could have? It's for a school project. I think so. Let's see. Here's one. What are you going to do with it? I'm supposed to make a diorama. We're studying the different ecosystems and I'm going to make a desert scene. That sounds interesting. I'll need some glue and paper and stuff too. I'm going to build a cactus and a roadrunner. When is this due? It was due today, but I told the teacher I wasn't quite finished. Calvin asks Mom if they have a shoe box for a school project. Mom gets him one. Calvin is going to make a diorama. They're studying different ecosystems, and Calvin's making a desert scene. Calvin adds that he'll some glue and paper. He's going to build a cactus and a roadrunner. Mom asks when it's due. Calvin tells her today, but Calvin told the teacher he wasn't quite finished."
"Wow, Mom sure turned into the conniption queen when she found out I hadn't neve started my diorama project when it was already due today. So this is one day late! What's the big deal?! It's not as if LIVES hang in the balance, right? The fate of the universe doesn't depend on turning in a shoe box desert scene on time! That's keeping things in perspective. Even if lives DID hang in the balance, it would depend on whose they were. Calvin complains to Hobbes that Mom had a conniption when she found out he hadn't started his diorama that was due today. Calvin asks what the big deal is being one day late. Lives don't hang in the balance. The fate of the universe doesn't depend on his handing his desert scene on time. Hobbes thinks that's keeping things in perspective. Calvin adds that even if lives were in the balance, it would depend on whose they were."
"This is hopeless! How am I supposed to create a desert scene in this shoe box when I don't even know what a desert looks like? I'VE never been to a desert. Mom and Dad never take me anywhere fun on vacations! If they'd taken me to a desert sometime, I'd KNOW this stuff! Why don't you get out a book? And go to all that TROUBLE?! Yeah, sure! Look, I'm a busy guy! I've got other things to do with my life besides THIS, you know! Right. Why waste time learning, when ignorance is instantaneous? My TV show starts in 20 minutes. Are you going to help me or ont? Calvin figures he can't build a desert diorama if he doesn't know what a desert looks like. He complains that Mom and Dad have never taken him to a desert for him to know this stuff. Hobbes asks why he doesn't get out a book. Calvin asks if he should go through all that trouble. He says he's a busy guy. He's got other things to do with his life besides this. Hobbes says why waste time learning, when ignorance is instantaneous. Calvin says his TV show starts in 20 minutes. He asks if Hobbes is going to help him or not."
"Mom, where do we keep the papier-mache? We don't have any. Oh great! Just GREAT! How am I supposed to make a roadrunner without papier-mache?! Maybe you should have thought of that before 7:00 at night. You'll have to make one some other way. BUT HOW?! This is YOUR school project, Calvin. YOU do the work. If I get a bad grade, it'll be YOUR fault for not doing the work for me! Calvin asks Mom for some papier-mache. Mom says they don't have any. Calvin wonders how he's supposed to make a roadrunner without papier-mache. Mom says he should have thought of that before 7:00 at night. Calvin asks how he'll make one. Mom tells him it's his project, he should do the work. Calvin tells her that if he gets a bad grade, it will be her fault for not doing the work for him."
"How's the diorama coming along? I'm almost finished. That didn't take too long. That's because I'm a genius. I don't see the roadrunner. Weren't you going to put one in? See the cotton balls I glued down? Yeah? The roadrunner just ran out of the scene, leveing those clouds of dust!"
"Ha ha! Your clever little strategy has tragically backfired! Look at this jump! Watch and weep, fuzz face! That's your move, right? I get to go now, right? It's too late for you to change your mind, right? Not so fast ... my hand's still on it. Jump, jump, jump! I win! You win?!? Aaugghh! You won last time! I hate it when you win! Aarrggh! Mff! Gnnk! I hate this game! I hate the whole world!! Aghhh! What a stupid game! You must have cheated! You must have used some sneaky, underhanded mind-meld to make me lose! I hate you! I didn't want to play this idiotic game in the first place! I know you'd cheat! I knew you'd win! Oh! Ooh! Aarg! Hack pant pant. Look, it's just a game. I know. You should see me when I loose in real life! The doctor asks what's wrong. The woman says her foot hurts. The doctor thinks that's a stupid problem. He suggests a lobotomy. The woman says no real doctor would say that. He asks who's wearing the stethoscope. He offers the reflex mallet for anesthesia. The woman says he doesn't know anything. The doctor offers a shot in the mouth. The woman says she knows more about medicine than him. She'll be the doctor now. She kicks him. Calvin says Susie is the doctor, but he's not going to be a patient of hers. Susie tells him good riddance. Calvin tells Hobbes the Surgeon General should issue a warning about playing with girls. Hobbes, with a smile, says he'd be Susie's patient."
"You've never had an obligation, an assignment, or a deadline in all your life! You have no responsibilities at all! It must be nice! Wipe that insolent smirk off your face! The real fun of living wisely is that you get to be smug about it. Hobbes is lying on the floor. Calvin tells him that he's never had an obligation, an assignment, or a deadline in his life. He says it must be nice not to have any responsibilities. Hobbes looks up with a toothy smile. Calvin tells him to wipe that insolent smirk off his face. Hobbes lies back down and thinks the real fun of living wisely is that you get to be smug about it."
"I hate doing this stuff! It's too much work. Why should I bother? 'Until you can stalk and overrun, you can't devour anyone.' I can see why tiger aphorisms don't catch on. Calvin complains about having to do homework. He says it's too much work and wonders why he should bother. Hobbes tells him 'Until you stalk and overrun, you can't devour anyone'. Calvin can see why tiger aphorisms don't catch on."
'"Live for the moment' is MY motto. You never know how long you've got! You could step into the road tomorrow and WHAM - you get hit by a cement truck! Then you'd be sorry you put off your pleasures! That's why I say 'Live for the moment'. What's YOUR motto? 'Look down the road.' Calvin says 'Live for the moment' is his motto. You never know how long you've got. Calvin says you could step into the road and get hit by a cement truck. You'd be sorry you put off your pleasures. Calvin asks Hobbes what his motto is. Hobbes tells him 'Look down the road'."