"I'm hungry, when's lunch? Right now. Hi, Susie! Oh look, you've got your stuffed tiger! Can I squeeze him? What are you crazy? Hobbes is a ferocious man-eating jungle beast! Ferocious? He looks fuzzy and cuddly to me! Ha! Beneath that soft exterior lie terrible mandibles of bone crushing death! He'll grind you into hamburger! Each mighty paw hides razor-sharp claws to rip the living hide off any human that wanders too close! He's a monster! No, he's not. He's a big cutie. Oh no! I can't look!! ... so what happened to the mandibles of death. You sissy furball?!? I was beguiled by her feminine charms. Yow. Go soak your head. Walking along, Calvin notices leaves rustling in the tree above. Hobbes jumps down and pounces on him. They fight, and Hobbes runs off. Calvin walks home. When he opens the door, Hobbes attacks again. Calvin crawls into the house. Mom opens the door to his room and asks what the big surprise is. Calvin, hiding behind her legs, says to try his closet."
"A small red spacecraft breaks through the cloud cover of Mysterio system planet 6! At the controls, it's none other than our fearless hero, Spaceman Spiff! Piloting over the lifeless world, he reflects on his unusual mission... QUIZ 1. 6+5= ... to somehoe crash planets 6 and 5 together! Spiff commands the red spacecraft breaking through the clouds of Planet 6. He reflects on his unusual mission, to somehow crash Planets 6 and 5 together."
"In a scientific mission to discover what happens when two planets collide, Spaceman Spiff drops anchor! The anchor catches on a hillside! Spiff downshifts and guns the motor! Imperceptibly at first, the planet slowly moves, towed along by our hero, until... ...breaking orbit, planet 6 picks up speed, hurling towards planet 5! Spaceman Spiff drops an anchor onto the Planet 6 surface. Spiff downshifts and guns the motor. The planet slowly moves, towed by our hero. It breaks orbit and speeds toward Planet 5."
"Pulled by Spaceman Spiff, planet 6 is about to collide with planet 5! With no time to lose, our hero cuts loose the anchor and flies to safety! The planets crash, grinding and shattering with awful force! Planet 5, being smaller, is crunched to dust! Only 6 remains! 6+5=6. Time! Pass your papers forward. TIME?! I just finished the first problem! Planet 6 is about to collide with Planet 5. Our hero cuts loose the anchor and flies to safety. The planets grind and shatter with awful force. Planet 5, being smaller, is crunched to dust. Only Planet 6 remains. Calvin answers the problem....6 + 5 = 6. The teacher calls time. Calvin is horrified. He's only answered the first problem."
"How can our time be up?! I just did the first problem on this quiz! Where did the time go?? Guess! Guess! Pick random numbers! Maybe a few will be right by sheer luck! 15! 104! 3! 27! Hand it in, Calvin. Your time's up. SIGHHHH. Don't forget we have a bet on who gets the higher grade. The bet's off! I don't gamble! No bets! Calvin wonders how time can be up. He hurriedly writes random numbers on the paper. He hopes for some to be right by sheer luck. Calvin hands in the paper. Susie reminds him they have a bet on who has the higher grade. Calvin says the bet's off, he doesn't gamble."
"I got a perfect score on my quiz. You got a perfect score? What did YOU get? If you missed any, you owe me 25 cents. I ran out of time! I'd have had a perfect score too if I'd had a few more minutes! What did you get? It's biological! Girls mature faster than boys! You just got a better grade because you're a girl! It's not fair! Pay up. Maybe it's opposite day! Maybe all these X's mean that my answers are correct! Maybe your 'A' is really an 'F'! That must be it! I win the bet! Susie got a perfect score on the quiz. Susie asks Calvin if he missed any. Calvin complains he would have gotten a perfect paper if he had a few more minutes. Calvin says it's biological. Girls mature faster than boys. He says she got a better grade because she's a girl. Susie tells Calvin to pay up. Calvin offers that maybe it's opposite day. Maybe all his X's mean those are correct. Maybe Susie's 'A' is really an 'F'. Calvin says he wins the bet."
"How did you do on your math quiz? I flunked it... but only because I ran out of time. The worst part, though, was that Susie Derkins won our bet on who'd get the better score. I had to pay her 25 cents. But get this! I cheated her! I only gave her three dimes! Ha! I think you're better study harded. Oh, now don't YOU start on me. Hobbes asks Calvin how he did on his math quiz. Calvin tells him he flunked it, but only because he ran out of time. He says the worst part was that Susie won their bet on who'd get the better score. He had to pay her 25 cents. Calvin laughs that he cheated her, though. He only gave her three dimes. Hobbes says Calvin better study harder. Calvin tells Hobbes not to start on him."
"Now where did all the bed pillows go? This is gonna be soft! Krunch! Hey, Hobbes! C'mon and jump in the leaves! It's fun! I don't know sometimes slugs hide under leaves. No they don't. Do they? Slugs? Ugh, just imagine one of those slimy muckballs slipping up your pant leg! There might be dozens in there! There might? Aack ick ooh yecch! That's the problem with nature. Something's always stinging you or oozing mucous on you. Let's go watch TV. Is it 3 o'clock yet? We can watch 'The Blob'! Hobbes kicks the football to Calvin. Calvin runs with the ball. Hobbes crouches and waits. Calvin gets closer, and Hobbes leaps toward Calvin. They crash and roll together for a distance. Looking back, Hobbes says he bets it takes four downs just to get back on the field. Calvin thinks football is a sport the way ducks think hunting is a sport."
"Look, Hobbes, I cut a piece of cardboard to make a TV screen. See, I just hold it up like I'm on TV. Wow, your own show! Too bad I can't really force my way into millions of people's homes each day. But on the other hand, no one ine THIS home can turn me off! Calvin has cut a piece of cardboard to make a TV screen. He holds it up, and it's just like he's on TV. Calvin laments he can't force his way into millions of people's homes each day. He adds that on the other hand, no one in that home can turn him off."
"So what's it like being on TV? It's great! Now that I'm on television, I'm different from everybody else! I'm famous! Important! Since everyone knows me, everything I do now is newsworthy. I'm a cultural icon. I think your antenna needs adjusting. Watch, I'll use my prestige to endorse a product! Hobbes asks what it's like to be on TV. Calvin says it's great. Now that Calvin is on TV, he's different from everybody else. He's special. He says since everyone knows him, everything he does is newsworthy. He's a cultural icon. Hobbes thinks his antenna needs adjusting. Calvin shows Hobbes that he's going to use his prestige to endorse a product."
"Hi, I'm Calvin, eminent television personality, here to tell you about new improved 'Chocolate frosted sugar bombs'! I love 'em! They're crunchy on the outside, chewy on the inside, and they don't have a single natural ingredient or essential vitamin to get in the way of that rich fudgy taste! Mm-mm! Yes, kids, you'll like 'em so much, you won't be able to sit still! Remember! It's the cereal I get paid to recommend because I'm famous! What do you think? Are you filled with the desire to emulate me and eat the cereal I endorse? If not, I can repeat this every 20 minutes. Don't you threaten ME. Calvin, eminent television personality, is doing a commercial for 'Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs'. They're crunchy on the outside, chewy on the inside. There isn't a single natural ingredient or essential vitamin to get in the way of the rich, fudgy taste. Calvin says it's the cereal he gets paid to recommend because he's famous. Calvin asks Hobbes what he thinks. He asks if Hobbes is filled with the desire to emulate him and eat the cereal he endorses. Calvin says if not, he can repeat this every 20 minutes. Hobbes tells him not to threaten him."
"Hi Mom! I've got my own TV show! That's nice. He's Ca-a-alvin! Amazing, great Ca-a-alvin! Oh, he's the one that you'd like to meet! He's the one who just can't be beat! He's ca-a-alvin! La data da daaaaa! Thank you! Thank you! Boy, what an audience! Thank you! Please! Ha ha! No, really, sit down! Thank you! Thank you! I'm changing the channel, OK? Sorry, I'm on all the networks. Calvin goes up to Mom telling her he has his own TV show. He sings his jingle about amazing Calvin, the one you'd like to meet, the one who can't be beat. Calvin thanks the audience. Mom wants to change the channel. Calvin tells her he's on all the networks."
"Where's your TV screen? My fall lineup got cancelled. Dad said one TV in the house was bad enough, and he preferred the one with the volume control. Maybe you should go cable. I've got an idea for a sit-com called 'Father knows zilch'."
"What a rip-off! They say if you connect these dots you get a picture. But look! I did it and it's just a big mess! I think you're supposed to connect them in the order that they're numbered. Oh. Everything's gotta have rules, rules, rules! Calvin has completed a connect-the-dots picture, but it doesn't look like anything. Hobbes says you're supposed to connect them in the order they're numbered. Calvin replies that everything has to have rules, rules, rules."
"... so if you capture the other guy's flag and make it back to your territory, you win. Win what? The game. No luggage? No toaster oven? Hey, you can't hide your flag in a tree! It's too hard to capture! That's not a rule. I can hide my flag anywhere! Well, it's a rule now! From now on, no flags in trees! Ok, but I just tagged you, so you have to go to jail. What?? It's a time out! I was making a new rule! You didn't officially call a time out. Off to jail with you! Forget it! From now on, if you are discussing a new rule, it's automatically a time out. Ok, time in! Tag! You can't do that! We have to say 'time in' together! Since when?? You're just changing rules so you'll win! I am not! I'm just trying to keep you from cheating! Just a minute. Muffin head. Are you calling me a cheater? Who's a muffin head! Yowp! Arrgh! Oatmeal face! Strudel brain! Mom says we should take up Monopoly. No way, buster. I know all about those 'interest free bank loans' to yourself! Spaceman Spiff explores a new planet. The only sign of life is a strange lichen growing on the rocks. Spiff bends down for a better look. It's not lichen. It's tiny trees on tiny farmland. Looking ahead, Spiff sees a city, with skyscrapers an inch high. The planet is inhabited. Our hero reflects that human scale is by no means the standard for life forms. To drive the point home, a blimp-sized monster appears over the hillside. Calvin has been playing with ants. Moe is making fun of Calvin by yelling to one of his friends. Calvin, slowly reaching for a rock, says Spaceman Spiff reaches for his stun blaster."
33... 27... 18... HIKE! AUGHH! It's clear I'll never have a career in sports until I learn to suppress my survival instinct. Touchdown! Calvin and Hobbes are playing football. Hobbes snaps the ball and runs toward Calvin. Calvin takes off running. Hobbes scores. Calvin says he'll never have a career in sports until he learns to suppress his survival instinct.
"What this game needs are negotiated settlements. Calvin is running with the football. He stops suddenly, and he turns around and runs the way he came. Hobbes tackles him. Calvin, lying on the ground, says what this game needs are negotiated settlements."
"How come YOU'RE the one who goes to work, and not Mom? Well, your Mom USED to go to work, but once you came along, someone had to stay home. Your Mom's job had a lot of stress and aggravation, see, ... and she wanted to quit? No, she'd gotten used to it, so we figured she should be the one to... HEY! Dad is getting dressed for work, and Calvin asks why he is the one who goes to work and not Mom. Dad explains that Mom used to work, but when Calvin was born someone had to stay home. He says Mom's job had a lot of stress and aggravation. Calvin asks if she wanted to quit. Dad said no, she had gotten used to it, so they figured she should be the one to stay at home with Calvin."
"Get off the swing or I'll punch your lights out. What a sissy! Haw! Years from now, when I'm successful and happy, ... and he's in prison... I home I'm not too mature to gloat. Moe tells Calvin to get off the swing or he'll punch his lights out. Calvin does, and Moe calls him a sissy. Calvin fumes. He says years from now, when he's successful and happy, and Moe's in prison, he hopes he's not too mature to gloat."
"Give me a nice smile. That's good. Now don't make a face, OK? Ready? One... two... thre... click. Click. *click* Calvin is sitting on a stool with a smile on his face. Dad is getting ready to take a picture. Dad counts to three and says click. Calvin is still smiling. He says click again. Calvin still smiles. Dad actually snaps the picture, but Calvin is making a face."
"Oh, great altar of passive entertainment... bestow upon my thy discordant images at such speed as to render linear thought impossible! Calvin bows in front of the TV. He prays to the great altar of passive entertainment. He asks it to bestow upon him its discordant images at such speed as to render linear thought impossible. He turns the TV on and sits watching."
"Enemy sighted! Battle stations! Battle stations! Alert! Ahwooga! Here's the mighty aircraft carrier! Equipped with the latest radar and firepower. It is virtually unsinkable! I know what can sink it. Yeah? What? A cannonball depth charge!! Oh no! Pfoom! Ha ha! That was great! You emptied the whole tub! Turn on the water and let's do it again! We seem to have a waterfall down the stairway dear. I'll go see what your kid is doing. My did?!? C'mere and let me explain something to you ... Calvin wants Hobbes to pose for a wildlife painting. Calvin puts Hobbes on a rock. Calvin tells him to survey his territory with the quiet confidence of a jungle cat. Hobbes puts a paw up to look into the distance. Calvin doesn't think that's quite it. Hobbes puts a paw to his chin. Too formal. Calvin wants to try one where the fierce tiger rests in the shade after a kill. Hobbes lies draped over the rock. No good. He tries lying on his back across the rock. Calvin gets frustrated. Hobbes strikes a fierce pose, and Calvin says that's it. Calvin had no idea this would be so hard. He wonders about trying to pose a dumb moose. Hobbes reminds Calvin he's more of a yellow ochre than a straight orange."
"Here it is 8:00 and we have to go to bed already. Somebody's always running my life. I never get to do what I want to do. What would you do if you could stay up? I dunno... something FUN! Whatever Mom and Dad get to do! Calvin says it's 8:00, and they have to go to bed already. Calvin complains someone is always running his life. He never gets to do what he wants. Hobbes asks what he would do if he could stay up. He says something fun, like whatever Mom and Dad get to do. Mom and Dad are sleeping on the sofa."
"That cloud of stars is our galaxy, the milky way. Our solar system is on the edge of it. We hurl through an incomprehensible darkness. In cosmic terms, we are subatomic particles in a grain on an infinite beach. I wonder what's on TV now. Calvin points to the sky at night and tells Hobbes that cloud of stars is our galaxy, the Milky Way. He says our solar system is on the edge of it. He says they hurl through an incomprehensible darkness. He says in cosmic terms, they are subatomic particles in a grain of sand on an infinite beach. They look at the stars. Then Calvin looks at his watch and wonders what's on TV right now."
"Everyone takes me for granted! Nobody pays any attention to my needs! Is it too much to ask for an occassional token gesture of appreciation?! OK, how about a big hug? Could I have 20 dollars? See?! I don't matter to anyone! Nobody cares about me! Calvin complains that everyone takes him for granted. He asks if it's too much to ask for an occasional token gesture of appreciation. Mom offers a big hug. Calvin wants 20 dollars. After Mom leaves, Calvin continues complaining that he doesn't matter to anyone. Nobody cares about him."
"Hobbes, do you think our morality is defined by our actions, or by what's in our hearts? I think our actions SHOW what's in our hearts. I RESENT THAT! Calvin asks Hobbes if he thinks their morality is defined by their actions, or by their hearts. Hobbes thinks their actions show what's in their hearts. Calvin stops and says he resents that."
"They say winning isn't everything, and I've decided to take their word for it. Calvin is running with the football, and he stops. He flips the ball into the air for Hobbes to grab. Calvin says they say winning isn't everything, and he's decided to take their word for it."
"I STAND FIRM IN MY BELIEF OF WHAT'S RIGHT! I REFUSE TO COMPROMISE MY PRINCIPLES! I don't NEED to compromise my principles, because they don't have the slightest bearing on what happens to me anyway. Calvin says he stands firm in his belief of what's right. He refuses to compromise his principles. Mom comes over to him. Calvin, in the bathtub, says he doesn't need to compromise his principles. They don't have the slightest bearing on what happens to him anyway."
"Bang! Kapwinngg! Bang bang! You missed! You missed! There he goes! After him boys! Giddyap! Giddyap! Ambush! Bang! Bang! Yow! Whoop! Bang! Gotcha! Noyadidnt! Noyadidnt! Calvin, will you please stop tearing around the house?! You're driving me crazy! You said we couldn't go outside because it's raining. Boy, that sure worked. We're not allowed back in until when? Calvin's homework is on the table. The book attacks the pencil. It bites the pencil, then turns to attack the paper. It bites and eats the paper. It then turns to Calvin. Miss Wormwood says his book eating his homework is a new one. Calvin says he's lucky to be alive. He had to break the book's spine."
"Vroom vrooom rrr! Vroom vroooom AUGHH! I wouldn't mind this so much if he didn't keep a log. Would you say you were 'very surprised' or 'COMPLETELY surprised'? Calvin is playing with his toy trucks. Hobbes pounces on him. Calvin, lying battered on the floor with Hobbes next to him says he wouldn't mind this so much if Hobbes didn't keep a log. Hobbes, writing in his book, asks if Calvin was 'very surprised' or 'completely surprised'."