"My tiger, it seems, is running 'round nude. This fur coat must have made him perspire. It lies on the floor - should this be construed as a permanent change of attire? Perhaps he considers its colors passe, or maybe it fit him too snug. Will he want it back? Should I put it away? Or use it right here as a rug? Z. I wonder when school starts. Hobbes is lying on the floor. Calvin comes up and says a poem. It talks about his tiger running around nude. His fur coat lies on the floor. Is this a permanent change, or were the colors passe? Will he want it back, or should he use it for a rug? Calvin walks away, and Hobbes wonders when school starts."
"People don't understand me. They don't realize I'm a card-carrying genius. You have a card? Oh absolutely. See, it says 'Calvin, certified genius.' Wow, you have a certificate? Well, not really, but no one every checks those things. I just say it's at the frame shop. Pretty smart. I'm a genius. How did you emboss this card? With a screwdriver? Calvin laments people don't understand him. He says he's a card-carrying genius. He shows Hobbes his card, which reads 'Calvin, certified genius'. Hobbes is impressed that he has a certificate. Calvin admits that he doesn't, but says people don't check those things. He just says it's at the frame shop. Hobbes admits that's pretty smart. Calvin reminds him he's a genius. Hobbes looks at the card and wonders if Calvin embossed the card with a screwdriver."
"AAHH! How am I supposed to learn surgery if I can't dissect anything? Calvin opens the vacuum cleaner and removes the dirt bag. He cuts it open, and dirt pours out on the floor. Mom yells at him. Sitting on the porch step, Calvin wonders how he's supposed to learn surgery if he can't dissect anything."
"You know what cracks me up? Ants RUN everywhere! It's like they all think they have to be somehwere on time! See, they never walk or poke along. They go everywhere at top speed! Isn't that silly? C'mon around back. I'll show you something else! Calvin tells Hobbes that ants run everywhere. It's like they think they have to be somewhere on time. Calvin shows the ants never walking, but always going top speed. He says that's silly. Calvin tells Hobbes to come around back, he wants to show him something else. Off they run."
"It's another new morning for Mr. Monroe. He glances at the newspaper headlines over a cup of coffee, and gets in his red sports car to go to work. Little does he realize it's his last day on the face of the earth! Calvin drinks the magic elixer and begins an incredible transformation. Instantly he grows! Bigger and bigger! Higher and higher! He is now over 300 feet tall! The formula is a success! Calvin, the mighty giant, goes on a terrible rampage, striking fear into the hearts of the populace! Nothing can stop him! It's panic in the streets! A town lies in ruins! No, I won't buy you any more toy cars. I saw you! You deliberately stomped on those! Dad gets the morning paper and notes that he always rushes off and never takes time to enjoy days like this. He has his coffee and says he'd like to have a quiet day around the house. He could read a book, go on a bike ride, spend time with Calvin. He thinks about taking the day off. Calvin runs by. Mom runs by, head covered with shampoo. She yells for Calvin to get back there and pick up every dead bug he put in her shampoo. Dad watches all this. Later, he is sitting at his desk whistling."
"With a distant rumbling, great thunder clouds pile high into the sky! Suddenly there's a blinding flash of light! It's Calvin the lightning bolt! In a fraction of a second, the house below will be in a million pieces! I know it's raining out, but play a board game or something. Great thunder clouds pile high into the sky. There's a blinding flash of light. It's Calvin the lightning bolt. The bolt heads toward the house. In a fraction of a second, the house will be in a million pieces. Mom picks Calvin up. He drops his saw as Mom tells him that she knows it's raining, but that he should play a board game or something."
"Every day it's the same old thing. ... but not today! Everybody's a slave to routine. Calvin hops out of bed saying every day is the same old thing. He takes his pajama top off and says 'but not today'. He walks out the door naked as Mom chases him down. In his room, he puts on his clothes saying everybody's a slave to routine."
"Can I get some contact lenses? Your eyes are fine! You don't need contacts. Yes I do! They have some that change the color of your eyes! Your eyes are very pretty the way they are. But if I had contacts, I coul dmake one eye blood red and the other yellow striped, like a bug. I dunno, it seems like once people grow up, they have no idea what's cool. Calvin asks Mom if he can get contact lenses. Mom tells him his eyes are fine, and that he doesn't need them. Calvin tells her they have some that change the color of your eyes. Mom says his eyes are pretty the way they are. Calvin tells her with contacts, he could make one eye red and the other yellow striped like a bug. Sitting on a log with Hobbes, Calvin says it seems once people grow up, they have no idea what's cool."
"Geez, I gotta have a REASON for everything?! Mom and Dad sleepily open Calvin's bedroom door. He is sitting in bed with a pair of drums and a horn. He asks them if he has to have a reason for everything."
"Boy, when it's THIS hot, I don't want to do anything at all! Fortunately, that was our plan from the start. Sitting by the water, taking his shoes off, Calvin tells Hobbes that when it's that hot, he doesn't want to do anything at all. They get into the water and he says that fortunately, that was their plan from the start."
"ME, TARZAN! KING OF THE JUNGLE! THUMP THUMP. Nice underpants. Does your Mom know you're over here like this? I don't think Jane EVER said that to Tarzan. In his underwear, Calvin walks up to Susie and says that he's Tarzan, king of the jungle. Susie asks if Calvin's Mom knows he's over there in his underpants. Calvin dejectedly walks off saying he doesn't think Jane ever said that to Tarzan."
"Hey, mom, are you nervous? No ... why? Calvin, go outside and quit bugging me! Calvin the bug buzzes off! Flying low over the grass, he searches for dead meat! Up and over the flowers, darting this way and that! Oh no! he's caught in a spider web! Thrashing about in a desperate bid for freedom, he only becomes more entangled! Soon the spider will suck out his innards! Help! I was going to join you in the hammock, but I think I'll forget it. With an evil grin, Calvin fills a water balloon. He waits behind a tree. Hobbes comes down from the tree, taps Calvin on the head, and asks Calvin if he's looking for someone. Calvin says yes, but for someone else, not for Hobbes. Hobbes gives him a theoretical question. If Calvin knew today was his last day on earth, what would he do different? He gets in Calvin's face and adds especially if, by doing something different, today might not be his last day on earth. Calvin looks at the water balloon. He walks off saying he doesn't think that question was very rhetorical at all."
"Don't you get hot wearing long pants in summer? Why don't you wear short pants? What's the matter? What did I say? SHORT PANTS TOUCH MY FEE, OK?!! Hobbes asks if Calvin gets hot wearing long pants in the summer. He asks why Calvin doesn't wear short pants. Calvin fumes. Hobbes asks what he said. Calvin angrily tells him that short pants touch his feet."
"WAP! BONK Gosh, we're BOTH out! Hobbes hits the ball. Calvin runs up to make the catch, but the ball hits him on the head. He falls down, but the ball lands in his glove. Hobbes says they're both out."
"Oh boy! Cooked-out hamburgers! They may be charred on the outside! They may be raw on the inside! But at least they've got that special outdoor flavor! ... of lighter fluid! MM-MM, when do we eat? Whaddaya mean tomorrow?! Dad is cooking on the grill. Calvin comes up and says cooked-out hamburgers may be charred on the outside, raw on the inside, but they have that special outdoor flavor...of lighter fluid. Calvin asks when they eat. From his bed, he yells 'Whaddaya mean tomorrow'."
"I like toys that make a lot of racket. That's the problem with this wagon. It doesn't make much noise. AIEEEE! AUGH! WHOAA! OOMPH! OOH! Fortunately, WE do. Riding down the hill in the wagon, Calvin says he likes toys that make a lot of racket. He complains the problem with the wagon is that it doesn't make much noise. They sail off the edge of the hill, yelling. As they roughly land, Calvin says that fortunately, they do."
"YAAH! Oops. He just does that to show he COULD'VE snuffed me. Calvin is sitting on the floor, reading a comic book. Suddenly, Hobbes pounces down right in front of Calvin, startling him. Hobbes says 'oops'. As Hobbes walks off, Calvin says he just does that to show that he could have snuffed him."
"Go on 'three' ok? One ... Two ... Two and a half ... Ready ... Set ... Go! Pit Pat Pit Pat Pit Pat Pit Pat. Pittida Dittida Pittida Dittida. Chooga Chooga Chooga. Eeewyeeowww. Gasp. I can't believe it! No sonic boom! Not even a 'pop'! I heard a pop. But I think it was my lungs. Calvin tells Mom he's bored. Mom points out it's a beautiful summer day. She says he has all outdoors to pay in. She tells him to use some imagination. Calvin walks off, scratches his head, then gets an idea. He grabs a pail, goes to the pond to fill the pail with water, then douses Mom with the water. Calvin, sitting on his bed, says his upbringing is filled with inconsistent messages."
"Do you support the free expression of ideas in our society? Sure. That's first on our bill of rights. So you would be against censorship and suppression of ideas you found distasteful. Right. You've got to take the bad with the good. So you wouldn't object to me being exposed to art, movies or music that some people think is offensive and shocking, right? OK, first let me explain about our responsibility to be culturally educated and able to MAKE critical distinctions about... YOUR STALLLLING! Calvin asks Dad if he supports the free expression of ideas in their society. Dad says he does, and says that's the first thing in the Bill of Rights. Calvin clarifies that Dad would be against censorship and the suppression of ideas he found distasteful. Dad agrees, saying you have to take that bad with the good. Calvin then says Dad wouldn't object to Calvin being exposed to art, movies, or music that some people think is offensive and shocking. Dad starts to explain about their responsibility to be culturally educated and able to make critical distinctions. Calvin accuses Dad of stalling."
Hmmmm rub rub rub GRR SNARLL Hmmmm rub rub rub Calvin is rubbing Hobbes' tummy as he sleeps. Calvin stops and walks away. Hobbes bares his fangs and growls at Calvin. Calvin rubs Hobbes' tummy some more.
"Sometimes I feel like our life has gotten too complicated... that we've accumulated more than we really need... that we've accepted too many demands... Well, Thoreau says, 'Simplify, Simplify'. Maybe that's what we need to do. But how? I hate it when they look at me that way. Mom and Dad are talking at the table. Mom says she sometimes feels their life has gotten too complicated, they've accumulated more than they need, they've accepted too many demands. Dad quotes Thoreau saying 'simplify, simplify'. He suggests maybe they need to do that. Mom asks how. Calvin walks by, and Mom and Dad look at him. Calvin says he hates it when they look at him that way."
"Hello? Hi Dad! It's me, Calvin. Calvin, unless this is REALLY important, hang up, OK? I'm very busy. OK, Dad. Goodbye. This should qualify in another 15 minutes. Calvin calls Dad at work. Dad says unless it's very important, hang up. He's very busy. Calvin hangs up. At home, Calvin and Hobbes are sitting on the edge of the kitchen sink. Water is pouring over the edge of the sink onto the floor. The water is a couple feet deep on the floor already. Calvin says this should qualify in another 15 minutes."
"Calvin, I asked you to clean up your room. I DID! Well, you didn't do a very good job, then. It looks as messy as it did before. You should take pride in what you do, and always do the best job possible. I don't need to do a better kob. I need better P.R. on the job I DO. Mom tells Calvin she asked him to clean his room. Calvin says he did. Mom says if he did, it wasn't a good job. The room looks as messy as it did before. She tells him he should take pride in what he does. Calvin, standing in his messy bedroom, says he doesn't need to do a better job. He needs better P.R. on the job he does."
"Huhh UHH! I wouldn't be worried about this if he was a better student. Calvin has a bat and flips the ball into the air to hit it. He has to run to chase the ball, then misses it when it comes down. Dad stands with a glove on saying he wouldn't worry about this if Calvin was a better student."
"Wanna toss the ol' pigskin around? Heck no. Phooey. The center snaps the ball! The quarterback looks for an opening! The defense disintegrates beneath the coming onslaught! The quarterback jumps and dodges! Hobbes breaks clear! Calvin passes! An amazing catch! Hobbes is at the 30 ... the 20 ... the 10 ... but he's tackled from behind and laterals to Calvin so he can make the touchdown! But Calvin fumbles the ball and Hobbes recovers it! But a penalty is called on the play and Hobbes is sent to the bench! Hobbes defects to the other team and is greeted with enthusiastic cheers! The crowd goes wild! Calvin prepares to cripple the traitor with an illegal face mask pull! Hobbes defies him by pouring out of his mouth guard onto Calvin helmet! Boy, you can see why football is such a violent game! Hobbes' team gains a yard! All the cheerleaders come out for smooches!! Calvin's bicycle attacks him. He gets a rope and lassoes the bike. The bicycle drags him along the ground. Calvin ties the bike to a tree. Dad comes by later, sees the bike tied against the tree, and laments that you buy the kid a good, expensive lock, and look."
"This meeting of top-secret club GROSS (Get Rid Of Slimy Girls) will come to order, supreme ruler and dictator-for-life Calvin presiding! Hear hear! President and first tiger Hobbes will now provide us with an attendance report. All present and accounted for, sir! Excellent! Now club secretary general Hobbes will review the minutes. It's 10:32. Thank you. At this time we'll have a field report from top scout Calvin! You can tell this is a great club because we have so many officers. Calvin calls a meeting of G.R.O.S.S. to order. President and First Tiger Hobbes gives an attendance report. Club Secretary General Hobbes gives the minutes. Calvin then calls for a field report from Top Scout Calvin. Hobbes says you can tell this is a great club because they have so many officers."
"Herewith, a field report filed from head scout Calvin! What news, scout? The enemy has been sighted on the sidewalk two doors down, Mr President. The enemy? Susie Derkins, an acknowledged GIRL! I recommend we establish a strike force? Its objective? To bug her! Sounds risky. Men, any volunteers? Top Scout Calvin reports the enemy has been sighted on the sidewalk two doors down. It's Susie Derkins, an acknowledged girl. Calvin recommends they establish a strike force to bug Susie. Hobbes calls for volunteers."
"OK, here's our plan. I'll be the strike force commander. You'll be the special agend in charge of munitions. We'll fill up a water balloon and sneak up on Susie through the back yard! I get to be the official cartographer and map our hiding places and escape routes! Yeah! And I'LL be the code expert and make an unbreakable code! Oh boy! Let's get some paper! I hope Susie doesn't go anyplace for a while. OK, here's the United States... As they climb down from their tree fort, Calvin says he'll be the strike force commander, while Hobbes is the special agent in charge of munitions. Calvin suggests filling a water balloon and sneaking up on Susie through the back yard. Hobbes wants to be official cartographer, mapping their hiding places and escape routes. Calvin decides to be the code expert and make an unbreakable code. Hobbes runs to get paper. As they both work on their tasks, Calvin says he hopes Susie doesn't go anyplace for a while."
"There! I finished our secret code! Let's see. I assigned a totally random number, so that code will be hard to crack. For letter 'A', you write 3,004,572,688. 'B' is 28,731,569 1/2. That's a good code all right. Now we just commit this to memory. Did you finish your map of our neighbourhood? Not yet. How many bricks does the front walk have? Calvin has finished the secret code. He has assigned each letter a totally random number. For instance, for the letter 'A', you write 3,004,572,688. Hobbes admits that's a good code. Calvin says they only have to commit it to memory. He asks if Hobbes has finished the map of their neighborhood. Hobbes isn't quite done yet. He asks how many bricks there are on the front walk."