"I see you're bringing a glove today. Did you sign up for recess baseball? Yeah, don't remind me. You're lucky that GIRLS don't have to put up with this nonsense. If a GIRL doesn't want to splay sports, that's fine! But if a GUY doesn't spend his afternoons chasing some stuped ball, he's called a wimp! You girls have it easy! On the" "other hand, BOYS aren't expected to spend their lives 20 pounds underweight. And if you don't play sports, you don't get to make beer commercials! Susie notices Calvin has a baseball glove. She asks if he signed up for recess baseball. Calvin tells her she's lucky girls don't have to put up with that nonsense. He says if a girl doesn't want to play sports, that's fine. If a guy doesn't want to chase some stupid ball, he's called a wimp. He says girls have it easy. Susie replies boys aren't expected to live their lives twenty pounds underweight."
"Mr Lockjaw? I'm Calvin. I'm supposed to be on team five now. Oh yes, you're the one who signed up late. Hmm... OK, you go play left field. Left field. OK, I know that. Let's see, if I'm HERE, then left field would be... That way. Play DEEP left field. I guess this is pretty dep. Calvin reports to the coach. The coach sends him to deep left field. Calvin isn't sure where that is, so the coach points it out to him. Calvin goes so far he's in tall grass. He figures that is pretty deep."
"I think baseball is the most boring game in the world. I've been standing out here in deep left field all this time, and not a single ball has come out here! Actually, I suppose that's just as well. I don't know what base to throw to anyway. In fact, I'm not even sure I can throw that far. Hey, what's everyone doing? Are people switching teams, or what? The guys at bat are now out HERE! Well, I'm sure someone would tell me if I was supposed to be doing anything different. In the tall grass, Calvin complains that baseball is the most boring game in the world. He's been standing out there all this time, and not a single ball has come out to him. Then, he figures that's alright, because he doesn't know which base to throw it to. Calvin notices the teams exchanging positions. The guys at bat are now out in the field. Calvin is sure someone would tell him if he was supposed to be doing something different."
"Ready? Let me check what the deductible is on my insurance policy... Munch munch. Would you care for a soft dring? OK. H-h-here y-you a-a-are! Any dessert? No, thanks. We'll be landing shortly. The captain has turned off the seat belt sign. Thank you for choosing Calvin's flight Z40 non-stop to Stoney Gulch. Next time I won't take the dinner flight. Calvin returns home and remembers how Hobbes pounces on him. He gets an idea to make a broomstick Calvin to fool Hobbes. He sets the stick Calvin on the porch and calls 'I'm home'. Hobbes opens the door, grabs the fake Calvin, then asks if he can read Calvin's comic books. Calvin ties to open the door, but it's locked. He hears Hobbes ask to draw mustaches on all the superheroes. Calvin sits on the front porch saying he'll get him for this if it takes his whole life."
"Our hero, the fearless Spaceman Spiff, is marooned on the most distant planet in the galaxy! There's no hope of rescue from this bleak and isolated world! Oh, what a desolate place to be trapped! Spiff tries desparately to repair his disabled spacecraft! CRACK High fly to left field! Who's out there?! Our hero pauses. There's some commotion on the horizon. ALIENS! Spiff grabs his blaster! Spaceman Spiff is marooned on the most distant planet in the galaxy. There's no hope of rescue from this bleak world. Spiff tries to repair his disabled spacecraft. CRACK! There's a fly ball to left field. Calvin says there is a commotion on the horizon. Aliens! Calvin says Spiff grabs his blaster."
"Where's the left fielder?! Somebody catch it! Left field?! Hey, that's ME! Wow! A high fly right to me! I got it! I got it! I caught it!! HE CAUGHT IT! IT'S AN OUT! WAP! I'm just a natural athlete, I guess. Hey, who's HE? Isn't he on the other team? Shouts go out to the left fielder. Calvin realizes that's him. He runs up under the fly ball and makes the catch. It's an out! Calvin proudly brings the ball in saying he's a natural athlete. One of the kids asks who he is. Another one thinks Calvin is on the other team."
"Hey, look who made the out! It's CALVIN! Heck, it was nothing, guys. When you're in top physical condition like me, you can... You moron! What were you doing in the outflied?! It's a new inning! We're up to BAT! Huh? You caught the ball for the wrong team! You got our own guy out! What a dweeb! What a jerk! What an idiot! Oops, I dropped the catch. It doesn't count now, right? Get him off our team, Mr Lockjaw! Can I hit him with the bat? Please? Please?? The batter notices Calvin was the one who caught it. Calvin walks up saying you can do that stuff when you're in top physical condition like he is. They explain to Calvin that it's a new inning, and his team is at bat. The batter"
"Hey stupid, if you're going to get OUR guys out, why don't you join the other team?! What were you doing in the outfield? Don't you even know how to play?! C'mon guys, it's just a GAME! This is supposed to be fun! Games are only fun when you WIN, bonehead! You're gonna make us LOSE! If you screw up again, you're dead meat, Calvin! Who taught you how to play anyway? Your grandmother? Wait till I tell the other teams about THIS! Mr Lockjaw, I don't want to play any more. There's too much team spirit. OK, quitter! Goodbye. Calvin's teammates continue to berate him. They say he should be on the other team if he's going to get them out. They say he doesn't know how to play. Calvin protests that it's a game and is supposed to be fun. One of the team says it's only fun if you win. They say he's dead meat if he screws up again. They ask if Calvin's grandmother taught him to play. Calvin walks up to the coach and says he doesn't want to play anymore. There's too much team spirit. The coach says 'OK, quitter! Goodbye'."
"I don't understand it, Hobbes. The kids teased me when I DIDN'T play baseball. Then they yelled at me when I DID play. Then the teacher called me a 'quitter' when I STOPPED playing. Unless you're a star, you can't please ANYone. In that case, why not just please yourself? Because Mom won't let me move to Madagascar. Up in the tree branch, Calvin tells Hobbes he doesn't understand. When he didn't play, the other kids teased him. When he did play, the other kids teased him. Then the coach called him a quitter when he stopped playing. Calvin says unless you're a star, you can't please anyone. Hobbes asks why he doesn't just please himself. Calvin replies that Mom won't let him move to Madagascar."
"It's Saturday! What do you want to do? Anything but play an organized sport. Want to play Calvinball? YEAH! No sport is less organized than Calvinball! New rule! New rule! If you don't touch a 30-yard base wicket with the flag, you have to hop on one foot! Hobbes says it's Saturday and wants to know what Calvin wants to do. Calvin says anything but an organized sport. Hobbes asks if he wants to play Calvinball. Hobbes says no sport is less organized than Calvinball. Calvin calls a new rule. If you don't touch the 30 yard base wicket with the flag, you have to hop on one foot."
"How come we play war and not peace? Too few role models. I'll be the fearless American defender of liberty and democracy ... and you can be the loathsome godless communist oppressor. We're at war, so if you get hit with a dart, you're dead and the other Calvin looks at his food and pokes it. It grabs a knife, and they fight. Calvin knocks the knife away. The food garbs a spoon, scoops itself and hits Calvin with it. SPLAT! Calvin runs away. Mom puts her hand on her head in frustration, while Calvin says not to blame him. He was the one who said they should call for a pizza."
"Today for 'Show and Tell', I have a souvenir from the afterlife! Yes, you heard right! Equally amazing is my own story of yesterday afternoon, when I actually died of boredom! I was doing my homework, when I suddenly collapsed! I felt myself rising, and could see my crumpled body on the floor. I drifted up in a shaft of light and entered the next world! Eventually, my heart started again and I came back to life... but not before bringing THIS back! A yo-yo? It was pretty boring THERE, too. Let's have a look at that homework. Calvin is in front of the class for 'show and tell'. He has a souvenir from the afterlife. He says it's as amazing as his story of yesterday afternoon, when he actually died of boredom. He says he was doing his homework when he collapsed. He felt himself rising and saw his crumpled body on the floor. He drifted up in a shaft of light and entered the next world. Eventually, his heart started again, and he came back to life. But he didn't come back before bringing his souvenir. He pulls out a yo-yo. He tells Miss Wormwood it was pretty boring there, also. She wants to look at his homework."
"And so, having eaten her fill, the mother bird returns to her nest... ...where she regurgitates the worms to feed her hungry brood. Calvin is watching a nature show on TV. The show talks about the mother bird, having eaten her fill, returning to the nest to regurgitate the worms to feed her hungry brood. Calvin is startled. At the dinner table, he looks at the plate of food Mom gives him with distrust."
"Hey Mom, did you feel anything funny when you got dressed today? Funny? What do you mean? Well, tickly maybe... or scratchy? Anything like a bite or a sting? WHY? And what have you got behind your back?! Um... here, you may want these. Well, heh heh, gotta run! Women! Always changing their clothes! After I get that kid, you're next. Calvin asks Mom if she felt anything funny when she got dressed that morning. She asks what he means. He explains something tickly or scratchy. Something like a bite or sting. She asks what he has behind his back. Calvin hands her a flyswatter and bug spray, saying she might want those. He runs off. Dad sees Mom changing her clothes and comments on women always doing that. Mom says that after she gets that kid, he's next."
"This time I'm really going to learn how to ride that bicycle! Balancing on two wheels is just as easy as balancing on two fee... I'd say that crossed the line from ironic coincidence to evil omen. Calvin says this time, he's really going to learn how to ride his bicycle. He says balancing on two wheels is just as easy as balancing on two feet. Just as he says that, he trips. He tumbles forward, his shoe flying off. As he gets up, he says that crossed the line from ironic coincidence to evil omen."
"I don't want to do my homework. I want to have FUN. TOO MUCH STRESS IS UNHEALTHY, YOU KNOW! I don't see why I had to come in. Sitting at his table doing homework, Calvin says he doesn't want to do it. He wants to have fun. He's sitting in his wagon with Hobbes when Mom comes out and stands by him. Back at his table, Calvin complains that too much stress is unhealthy."
"Did you ask your Mom if you could jump off the roof? Questions I know the answers to I don't need to ask right? Is this blanket big enough? Perfect! See, I'll just grab all the corners and make a parachute! You can watch as I float to the ground, gently as a leaf. Geronimo!! Crunch! His Mom's going to have a fit about those rose bushes. Mom has Calvin get out of bed. He stands in the rain waiting for the school bus. He's bored at school. He doesn't like his lunch. Moe extorts money from him. He gets an 'F' on a paper. He walks home in the rain. Hobbes pounces on him and hugs him. Mom, picking up his wet clothes, asks if Calvin had a good day. Calvin, carrying Hobbes, says it's getting better."
"I've come up with a new system for doing homework. I call it 'effective time management', or 'ETM' for short. I've drawn up a schedule for each school subject, and I use this kitchen timer to monitor my pace. Thanks to ETM, I'm much more efficient, and my work goes faster! RINGG There! My math minute is set up! Set the clock for my spelling assignment, OK? Um, your schedule calls for smaller time increments than this clock can measure. Calvin tells Hobbes he's come up with a new system for doing homework. He calls it 'Effective Time Management', or 'ETM' for short. He's drawn up a schedule of each school subject. He uses a kitchen timer to monitor his pace. Calvin says that thanks to ETM, he's much more efficient. The timer rings. Calvin says his math minute is up. He tells Hobbes to set the timer for his spelling assignment. Hobbes says his schedule calls for smaller time increments than the timer can measure."
"No I won't take a picture of you. Armed with a flyswatter, Calvin chases a fly in the house. He swats it in mid-air, then picks it up. Mom tells him she will not take a picture of him holding his kill."
"KA ZAM! What? Dad is reading in his chair when Calvin walks up to him. Calvin moves his arms and says KAZAM! Dad turns into a giant, alien bug. Calvin walks away while Dad asks what that was about."
"EWW! What IS this?! It looks like COMPOST! Mom doesn't appreciate me. Mom is filling the shopping cart with groceries. She carries the three bags of food. She has pots and pans all over the kitchen preparing dinner. She serves a plate to Calvin, who says it looks like compost. Later, sitting at the table alone with his food, Calvin says Mom doesn't appreciate him."
"Hey Hobbes, what's a 'paper tiger'? It's like a paper boy. You know, a tiger with a newspaper route. Oh. This book makes no sense at all. Calvin is reading a book and asks Hobbes what a 'Paper Tiger' is. Hobbes explains that it's a tiger with a newspaper route. Calvin continues to read, but says this book makes no sense at all."
"Hey Dad, would you pay me a dollar to eat a bug. No, you'd have to eat a bucket of bugs before I pay you a dollar. A whole bucket? Or I'd pay you a dollar to pick up sticks in the back yard. All my REAL skills are undervalued. Calvin asks Dad if he'd pay him a dollar to eat a bug. Dad says he'd have to eat a whole bucket of bugs before he'd pay him a dollar. Dad adds that Calvin could pick up sticks in the back yard for a dollar, if he'd prefer. Calvin, while picking up sticks, laments that his real skills are undervalued."
"Hey Dad, remember our car? Why sure. Wait a minute, what do you mean, 'remember'? Hobbes, I have a conjectural moral question. Maybe you can help. Sure. Suppose I did something bad, should I tell Dad? How bad are we supposing? Well, hypothetically, let's say pretty bad, like to his car, hypothetically. How bad, hypothetically, to his car? Well, let's pretend it was REAL bad. Should we pretend it could be fixed? If we imagined he could FIND the car, we could pretend it might be fixed. I see. You can keep the book. I'll call the bus station. Que Pasa, Senorita? I am el fugitivo! Spaceman Spiff zooms to the surface of Ahnooie-4. He sets off to search for sentient life. Spiff only discovers a hideous blob so stupid it just stares completely straight ahead, unaware of anything around it. Our hero decides to put the blob out of its misery. Susie yells to Miss Wormwood that Calvin's shooting spit balls. Perplexed by the blob's resilience, Spiff adds more juice and prepares to fire again. A giant creature comes up behind him."
"On a distant planet Zark, we find the empty red spacecraft of our hero, the bod SPACEMAN SPIFF! Uh oh! Up ahead, the rocks are charred with death ray blasts! A violent struggle took place here! And only the tracks of a large, sinister alien leave the scene! What has happened to the earthling explorer? Calvin, this is humiliating!! I don't want to go! Put me down! On Planet Zark, Spaceman Spiff's spacecraft sits empty. The rocks are charred with death ray blasts. A struggle has taken place. Only the tracks of a sinister alien leave the scene. What has happened to Spiff? Mom is pushing Calvin into the school bus. She tells him this is humiliating. Calvin doesn't want to go."
"Spaceman Spiff is being held prisoner by hideous aliens! What do they want with him? Spiff is soon to find out! Our hero is called before the alien potentate! ... where it becomes clear that Spiff is about to be sacrificed... ... to appease the evil god they call 'nollij'! Up to the blackboard. Hurry up. Calvin sits at his desk with teeth gritted. He says Spiff is being held prisoner by hideous aliens. He wonders what they want with him. Spiff is called before the alien potentate. It becomes clear Spiff is going to be sacrificed....to appease the evil god they call 'Nollij'. Miss Wormwood tells Calvin to go to the blackboard."
"Staring death in the face, our hero thinks fast. Inching closer to the sacrificial pit, Spiff slowly and smoothly reaches for the tiny atom blaster concealed in his belt! YAA! All right, you bloodsucking mutant chromosomal disasters! Nobody move! I'm outta here! Calvin, give me that rubber band right this minute! I SAID NOBODY MOVE! Calvin, looking at the math problem on the board, says our hero thinks fast. He slowly reaches for the tiny atom blaster concealed in his belt. He turns and tells the bloodsucking, mutant chromosomal disasters that he's out of there. Miss Wormwood tells Calvin to give her the rubber band right this minute."
"Spiff escapes! The dank and smelly corridors of the alien fortress are deserted! All the aliens had gathered for the spectacle of our hero's demise! The fearless space explorer makes it to the planet surface, but the alien queen is in pursuit! Calvin, get back here! Spiff jumps into the cockpit, pressurises the launch thrusters, and... blasts off! Our hero is safe! Tomorrow: Or IS he?? Spiff escapes. The smelly corridors of the fortress are deserted. All the aliens had gathered for the spectacle of our hero's demise. The space explorer makes it to the planet surface, but the alien queen is in pursuit. Miss Wormwood yells for Calvin to come back to the room. Spiff jumps into his spacecraft and blasts off. He's safe!"
"Calvin! What are you doing home?! It's not even noon! Uh, they let us out early today. There was, um, a gas leak. WHAT?! Does anyone know you left?! I'm calling the school. Don't waste your time! Everyone was evacuated! There's nobody there! Hello? Elementary school office, please. Our hero hadn't counted on running into a zark enforcer ship! Spiff's evasive maneuvers come to naught! This could be the end! Mom is surprised to see Calvin at home. It's not even noon yet. Calvin tells her they were let out early due to a gas leak. Mom wonders if the school knows he left. She says she's going to call the school. Calvin tells her no one is there. Everyone was evacuated. Mom calls anyway. Spiff hadn't counted on running into a Zark enforcer ship. Spiff's evasive maneuvers come to naught."