Calvin & Hobbes

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Sunday, February 25th, 1990  •  book
"There's Venus. There's Mars. And there's Jupiter. And I'm STUCK here. On a clear night like this, you realize how incomprehensible the universe really is. I wonder what early man must have thought as he watched the skies. He'd see he was an infinitesimal part of creation, but he'd have no understanding of planets or stars or comets or anything. Imagine how big and mysterious the night would've seemed to him! I'll bet he felt very fragile and afraid, don't you think? ... Hobbes? Hobbes?? ... h-hello? Anyb-body?? AUGH! WUMP! I'll bet THAT's what he felt like! Saber-tooth tiger food! From now on I'm going to stay inside all night and watch TV. Calvin and Hobbes sit by the fireplace. Suddenly, it gets too warm. They dash away from the fire. They lie down and feel the sizzle as they cool off. Back to the fire they go. Calvin says if there's more to life than this, he doesn't know what it is."
Monday, February 26th, 1990  •  book
"Why should I go to school?! Why can't I stay at home? Why do I have to learn? Why can't I stay the way I am? What's the point of this? Why do things have to be this way? Why can't things be different? Life is full of mysteries, isn't it? See you this afternoon. At 7:00am, Mom's not very philosophical. Calvin wants to know why he has to go to school. He asks why he has to learn, why can't he stay the way he is. He wonders why things have to be this way, why can't they be different. As Mom pushes him out the door, she says life is full of mysteries. Calvin realizes that at 7:00 AM, Mom isn't very philosophical."
Tuesday, February 27th, 1990  •  book
"All set? Yep! OK, get read! NOW! SMASH Too bad the back of the camera opened when we landed. That would've been a great picture. On the toboggan, Calvin asks if Hobbes is set. Hobbes is carrying a camera. Down the hill they go. Calvin tells Hobbes to get ready. They smash into a rock and fly into the air. Calvin yells 'Now', and Hobbes snaps the picture. Coming back up the hill covered with snow, Calvin tells Hobbes it's too bad the camera opened when they landed. That would have been a great picture."
Wednesday, February 28th, 1990  •  book
"Ha! I've got a great word and it's on a 'double word score' box! 'ZQFMGB' isn't a word! It doesn't even have a vowel! It is SO a word! It's worm found in new guinea! Everyone knows that! I'm looking it up. You do, and I'll look up that 12-letter word YOU played with all the Xs and Js! What's your score for ZQFMGB? 957. Calvin and Hobbes are playing Scrabble. Calvin claims a double-word score. Hobbes complains that 'ZQFMGB' isn't a word. Calvin tells him it's a worm found in New Guinea. Hobbes says he's going to look it up. Calvin says if he does, he's going to look up the 12-letter word Hobbes played with all the X's and J's. Hobbes asks Calvin what his score for the word is. Calvin replies '957'."
Thursday, March 1st, 1990  •  book
"Hey, no TV until your homework is done. It's getting done. Not with you sitting HERE, it isn't. Hobbes is reading my book for me. After I'm done watching TV, he'll tell ME what the book was about, and I'll tell HIM what the TV shows were about! See, we're doing twice as much in the same amount of time! Mom says YOU should watch TV and I should read the dumb book. Ugh, I only like nature documentaries. Calvin is watching TV, and Mom tells him he can't watch anymore TV until his homework is finished. Calvin says it's getting done. Hobbes is reading his book for him. Calvin explains that he'll watch TV, Hobbes will tell him what the book was about, then Calvin will tell Hobbes what the TV show was about. They're doing twice as much in the same amount of time. Calvin walks back into the bedroom. He tells Hobbes that Mom said Hobbes should watch the TV and Calvin should read the book. Hobbes says he only likes nature documentaries."
Friday, March 2nd, 1990  •  book
"Hey Twinky, gimme a quarter. WHAT?! Why should I give you my money?! It's for the 'Let Calvin Live Through The Recess Fund.' Sounds like a worthy cause. His motto is 'Give before it hurts.' Moe tells Calvin to give him a quarter. Calvin asks why he should give him his money. Moe replies it's for the 'Let Calvin Live Through Recess Fund'. Calvin digs into his pocket and says that sounds like a worthy cause. After Moe leaves, Calvin says Moe's motto is 'Give Before It Hurts'."
Saturday, March 3rd, 1990  •  book
"MOMMM! I NEED A DRINK OF WATER! Mphhh... Calvin, it's after midnight. Get a drink yourself. I can't. There are monsters under my bed! I'm scared. OK... Ok... Ok... AAUGH Calvin wakes up at night and yells for Mom to bring him a glass of water. Mom says it's after midnight and that he should get the drink himself. Calvin replies there are monsters under his bed and that he's scared. Mom says okay." "Mom turns on the light to bring the water, and Calvin sees Mom with her hair all messed up and eyes partially closed. He is horrified and yells 'AAUGH'."
Sunday, March 4th, 1990  •  book
"They must've taken out an insurance policy on me... sighhh... ...sighhh... Millions of years ago, the 'ultrasaurs' wander the earth. Some weigh over 70 tons. Even the vicious allosaurs are no match for these giants. A distant rumbling sends the ultrasaurs into a stampede. It's a Calvinosaurus. Named after the renowned paleontologist who discovered it, the Calvinosaur can eat an ultrasaur in a single bite. Calvin, digging a hole, says he never finds anything. Hobbes thinks it looks like he hit the sewer pipe."
Monday, March 5th, 1990  •  book
"OK Hobbes, toss up this deck of cards, and I'll plug the ace of spades! Oh boy, a shooting trick! Go! BLAM bAM POW ZING BLOOIE BANG Here it is! Wow! Six clean holes through the ace! Pretty good, huh? Want to know how I did it? I used a hole puncher ahead of time! Hmm, on second thought, I'll fold. Hey, what's with this deck?! Calvin hands Hobbes a deck of cards. He says to throw them into the air, and he'll plug the ace of spades. Hobbes is thrilled to see a shooting trick. Up the cards go. BLAM! BAM! POW! ZING! BLOOIE! BANG! Hobbes grabs the ace of spades and finds six holes in it. Calvin tells Hobbes how he did it. He used a hole puncher ahead of time. Dad, Mom, and a friend are playing cards. Dad decides he'll fold. The friend, holding the ace of spades with six holes in it, asks what's with this deck."
Tuesday, March 6th, 1990  •  book
"This morning I had a wonderful dream. By holding my arms out stiff and pushing down hard, I found I could suspend myself a few feet above the ground. I flapped harder, and soon I was soaring effortlessly over the trees and telephone poles! I could FLY! I folded my arms back and zoomed lower over the neighborhood. Everyone was amazed, and they ran along under me as I shot by. Then I rocketed up so fast that my eyes watered from the wind. I laughed and laughed, making huge loops across the sky! ... That's when Mom woke me up and said I was going to miss the bus if I didn't get my bottom out of the bot. 20 minutes later, here I am, standing in the cold rain, waiting to go to school, and I just remembered I forgot my lunch. Tuesdays don't start much worse than this. Calvin and Hobbes are standing in the rain, waiting for the bus. Calvin launches into a long speech about a dream he had. He could flap his arms and was able to fly. He zoomed over the neighborhood. His eyes watered from the wind. He laughed and laughed as he made loops in the sky. Then, Mom woke him up and said he'd miss the bus if he didn't get up. Twenty minutes later, he's standing in the cold rain, waiting to go to school, and he just remembered he forgot his lunch. He tells Hobbes Tuesday's don't start much worse than this."
Wednesday, March 7th, 1990  •  book
"I did it! I did it! Somehow I imagined the experience would be more rewarding. Calvin puts a pillow on the floor. He puts his head on it, then pulls his body up. He's standing on his head. Calvin stays there a bit, then says somehow he imagined this experience would be more rewarding."
Thursday, March 8th, 1990  •  book
"Hewwo! Is Hobbesie-wobbsie sweepy? Ooh, he's just a bog snoogie-woogie, isn't he? Yes he IS! Hewwo, snoogie woogie! GLOMP! HEY HEY! Ow! LEGGO, YOU BLOODTHIRSTY CARNIVORE! OW! OW! OW! I can see why little tabby cats are so much more popular. Hobbes is sleeping when Calvin approaches him using baby-talk. He asks if Hobbes is sleepy. Calvin says 'hewwo' and calls Hobbes a snoogie-woogie. Hobbes awakens with a start and clomps down on Calvin's head with his mouth. Calvin yells for his bloodthirsty carnivore to let go of him. They fight. Calvin walks off saying he can see why little tabby cats are so much more popular."
Friday, March 9th, 1990  •  book
"Once upon a time, there was a ... Hold it. You know what I'D like to see? I'd like to see the three bears eat the three little pigs, and then the bears join up with the big bad wolf and eat Goldilocks and Little Red Riding Hood. Tell me a story like THAT, OK? And how should Hansel and Gretel meet THEIR untimely demise? The witch eats them and then the wolf eats the witch. Dad starts reading a bedtime story to Calvin, but Calvin stops him. Calvin tells Dad that he'd like to see the three bears eat the three little pigs, the bears joining up with the big bad wolf and then eat Goldilocks and Little Red Riding Hood. He tells Dad to tell him a story like that. Dad asks how Hansel and Gretel should meet their untimely demise. Calvin suggests the witch eats them, then the wolf eats the witch."
Saturday, March 10th, 1990  •  book
"Hey Dad, can I take the gas can for the lawn mower out in the back yard? Wah on earth for? It's 8;00 at night! I want to pour gasoline in big letters on the lawn... ...and set fire to it so airplanes can read it as they fly over! NO, you can't do that! Don't be ridiculous! I don't even want to know what he intended to write. Calvin asks Dad if he can take the gas can for the lawn mower to the back yard. Dad says it's 8:00 at night. He asks Calvin what he wants to do that. Calvin tells him he wants to pour the gasoline in big letters on the lawn, then set fire to it so airplanes can read it as they fly over. Dad tells him no, he can't do that. He tells him not to be ridiculous. Dad puts the side of his head on his hand and says he doesn't even want to know what he intended to write."
Sunday, March 11th, 1990  •  book
"I'm hooOaaGHhH! AAAAAAAAA If you ache, it's because you don't properly stretch before exercising. I didn't know I was going to BE exercising!! A meeting of G.R.O.S.S. comes to order. Hobbes is accused of heresy. Calvin explains Hobbes made an undisparaging comment about the possible membership of Susie Derkins, an admitted girl and enemy of the club. Hobbes wants the record to show Calvin is a nincompoop. Calvin charges him with insubordination. Hobbes, as court stenographer, refuses to enter the verdict. He promotes himself to 'El Tigre Numero Uno'. Calvin promotes himself. Hobbes writes 'Hobbes equals great' in the club notebook. That makes it law. Calvin takes the notebook. Hobbes takes Calvin's Supreme Dictator hat. They fight, then declare a truce. Calvin says this is a great club, but it's too bad they don't have more members. Hobbes says maybe they should allow Susie to join."
Monday, March 12th, 1990  •  book
"Do you... I mean, does HOBBES want any tuna fish this week? No, Hobbes stopped eating canned tuna. You know they kill dolphins to get it. OK, I'll put it back. So what does Hobbes like now instead? Fresh swordfish steaks. He likes them grilled outside. Mm-hmm. How about peanut butter? At the grocery store, Mom asks if Calvin, er, she means Hobbes, wants any tuna fish. Calvin tells her that Hobbes stopped eating tuna fish, because they kill dolphins to get it. Mom asks what Hobbes likes now. Calvin tells her fresh swordfish steaks, grilled outside. Mom asks about peanut butter."
Tuesday, March 13th, 1990  •  book
"Here's some clean clothes. Will you put them away, please? Hey, my underwear isn't pressed! Neither are my socks! You didn't finish ironing. Buddy, if you want your underwear ironed, you can do it yourself! What kind of mother ARE you?! She should take more pride in her work. Mom hands Calvin some clean clothes. She asks him to put them away. Calvin says the underwear and socks aren't pressed. He says she didn't finish ironing. Mom tells him if he wants his underwear ironed, he can do it himself. Calvin angrily asks what kind of mother she is. Calvin says she should take more pride in her work, as he jams the clothes into an overflowing drawer."
Wednesday, March 14th, 1990  •  book
I asked Mom if I was a gifted child... She said they certainly wouldn't have PAID for me. You can relate this little story when reporters ask how I went bad. Calvin and Hobbes are sitting under a tree. Calvin says he asked Mom if he was a gifted child. Mom had replied she certainly wouldn't have paid for him. He tells Hobbes he can relate this little story when reporters ask how he went bad.
Thursday, March 15th, 1990  •  book
"Mom! Hobbes is reading my comic books! Tell him to stop! I told him to go buy his own, and he SNaRLED at me! Make him give 'em back! Maybe you should be glad he's more literate than most stuffed animals. But they're MY comic books, not HIS! Well, you should learn to share. I don't think Hobbes will hurt them. Are you kidding?! He drew a mustache and glasses on every picture of nuke-man last issue! In PeN! Why don't you go play outside, Calvin? Calvin tells Mom that Hobbes is reading his comic books. He wants her to stop Hobbes. He says he told Hobbes to get his own comic books, but Hobbes snarled at him. Mom says he should be glad Hobbes is more literate than most stuffed animals. Calvin complains that they're his comics. Mom tells him he should learn to share. She doesn't think Hobbes will hurt them. Calvin throws up his hands in frustration. He tells Mom that Hobbes drew glasses and a mustache on every picture of Nuke-Man last issue...in pen. Mom tells Calvin to go play outside."
Friday, March 16th, 1990  •  book
"How's your math coming? I don't DO math any more. I decided I'm more of a 'visual' person. Good. Visualize being the only 45-year-old in first grade. Visualizing a few sums now, eh? Actually, I'm visualizing YOU in traction. Help me do these, OK? Calvin is lying on his bed reading a comic book. Dad asks how his math is coming. Calvin informs him that he doesn't do math anymore. He's more of a 'visual' person. Dad tells him to visualize being the only 45-year-old in" "first grade. Calvin is doing his homework and Hobbes comes over to ask if he's visualizing sums now. Grumpily, Calvin tells him he's visualizing Hobbes in traction."
Saturday, March 17th, 1990  •  book
"Hey Hobbes, I'll give you 20 questions to guess what I have in my hands, OK? OK. Is it loathsome? Yes! Is it some big centipede with poison pinchers? Centipedes have poison pinchers? I think so. Man, it's a good thing you guessed it so fast! With you, it's never too difficult. Calvin tells Hobbes he'll give him 20 questions to guess what's in his hand. Hobbes asks if it's loathsome. Calvin says yes. Hobbes asks if it's a big centipede with poison pinchers. Calvin asks if they really have poison pinchers. Hobbes thinks so. Calvin jumps into Hobbes' arms and says it's a good thing he guessed so fast. Hobbes replies that with Calvin, it's never too difficult."
Sunday, March 18th, 1990  •  book
"It says here that 'Religion is the opiate of the masses.' ... what do you suppose that means? ... it means Karl Marx hadn't seen anything yet. What are you watching? Garbage. This show would insult a 6-year-old! And I should know. So why watch it? All the other shows are even worse! Why watch TV at all then? There's nothing to do. Nothing to do?! You could read a book! Or write a letter! Or take a walk! When you're old you'll wish you had more than memories of this tripe to look back on. Undoubtedly. Hobbes wakes up, stretches, scratches an ear, then lies back down. Calvin says Hobbes has a rough life. He asks what Hobbes has done today. After Calvin walks away, Hobbes thinks 'people'."
Monday, March 19th, 1990  •  book
"Where do we keep the extension cords? In the pantry, on the bottom shelf. Where do we keep the blades for Dad's electric saw? In the... Why do you want to know? Huh? Oh, I'm just making an inventory list so we'll always know where to find things. I get the feeling there was no right answer to that question. Calvin asks Mom where they keep the extension cords. Mom tells him in the pantry, bottom shelf. Calvin then asks where they keep the blades for Dad's electric saw. Mom asks why he wants to know. Calvin tells her he's making an inventory list so he'll always know where to find things. He walks off saying he gets the feeling there was no right answer to that question."
Tuesday, March 20th, 1990  •  book
"Calvin, come out from wherever you're hiding and take your bath! Do you hear me, Calvin?! I mean NOW! OH NO! LOOK AT YOU! AUGH! GET OFF THE RUG! Like it's MY fault she hasn't gotten the chimney swept. Mom is looking for Calvin. She checks under his bed and yells for him to come out from where he's hiding and to take a bath. She yells that she means NOW! She sees Calvin and is horrified. He yells for him to get off the rug. Calvin, sitting in the bathtub, is black from head to toe. Calvin tells Hobbes it's not his fault Mom hasn't gotten the chimney swept."
Wednesday, March 21st, 1990  •  book
"Mom! Mom! I just saw the first robin of spring! Call the newspaper quick! Ha ha! A front page writeup! A commemorative plaque! A civic ceremony! All for me! Hooray! Hooray! Oh boy! Should I put the prize money in a trust fund or blow it all at once? Ha ha! I can't believe I did it! Calvin... It's a hard, bitter, cruel world to have to grow up in, Hobbes. Cheer up! Did I tell you I saw a robin yesterday? Calvin runs around happily, saying he saw the first robin of spring. He figures he'll get a front-page write up in the paper, a commemorative plaque, and a civic ceremony. He wonders if he should put the money in a trust fund or spend it all at once. Mom gets his attention. Calvin is sitting under a tree with Hobbes. Calvin tells him it's a hard, bitter, cruel world to have to grow up in. Hobbes tells him to cheer up. He asks if he told Calvin that he saw a robin yesterday."
Thursday, March 22nd, 1990  •  book
"I sure like chocolate frosted sugar bombs! Look how brown the milk gets! Ugh. Want to see something weird? Look at the nutritional information on the back panel. Wow. 100% of the daily recommended allowance of caffeine! Hey look! You can send away for a chocolate frosted sugar bombs 'Buzzy the Hummingbird' doll! Calvin tells Hobbes how much he likes his Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs. He shows Hobbes how brown the milk gets. Calvin points out something on the nutritional label. Hobbes notices the cereal provides 100% of the daily recommended allowance of caffeine. Calvin notices an offer to send for a 'Buzzy the Hummingbird' doll on the side panel of the box."
Friday, March 23rd, 1990  •  book
"Eenie, meenie, miney, moe! Catch a tiger by the toe! If he hollers, um... Uh... Heh heh... Who writes these dumb things anyway?"
Saturday, March 24th, 1990  •  book
"County library? Yes, do you have any books on homemade bombs? That's what I said. I need a book that lists supplies and gives step-by-step instructions for building, rigging and detonating them. Well what about your other branches? Don't THEY have any books like that? Boy, and people wonder why kids don't read. Calvin calls the county library looking for information on homemade bombs. Calvin needs a book that lists the needed supplies, and gives instructions for building, rigging, and detonating them. Calvin asks if any of their other branches have books like that. Dejectedly, Calvin hangs up saying people wonder why kids don't read."
Sunday, March 25th, 1990  •  book
"What should we have Dad read us tonight? ... so in the next panel, Supertoad goes 'Plooie' and ... 'My what big teeth you have! Said little Red Riding Hood. The better to eat you with! Said the wolf ... tiger ... said the tiger, and he pounced on Little Red Riding Hood. Just then a hunter came by, and when he saw the wolf ... tiger ... when he saw the tiger he picked up his gun and ... and? ...and it was too late. The tiger ate them both and he lived happily ever after. The end.' Good story Dad! Thanks! Sniff. I always cry at happy endings. Mom tells Calvin he'd better go to bed. Calvin wants to read a little more. Mom says they don't want him to get too smart. Calvin is puzzled. Dad explains that if Calvin were smarter, he might realize...his parents are really bug-eyed aliens from Neptune! They rip their masks off, and Calvin runs away. They grab him, get batter ready, and dunk him. They say there's nothing like a fresh batch of earth boy waffles. Calvin wakes up. He says he wasn't asleep and isn't tired. As Mom and Dad carry Calvin to bed, Mom notices Calvin's face was pushed into Dad's leg so hard, it left corduroy lines."
Monday, March 26th, 1990  •  book
"I'M FREE! I'M FREE! At last! Home sweet ho... Oh no. Hoo hoo! That was a GOOD one! Look how far we landed! A house with a tiger is never home. Calvin runs off the school bus, yelling that he's free. He opens the front door. He stands horrified as he sees what's coming. Climbing out of the trench they just created, Hobbes cheerily tells Calvin that was a good one. He tells Calvin to look how far they landed. Calvin, buried in the dirt, says that a house with a tiger is never a home."