"Hobbes, we've got to get rid of these duplicates! All they do is get me in trouble! Everyone thinks I'M doing all these rotten things, when really it's a duplicate! I'm being framed by my own doubles! RUN! HIDE! OUTTA MY WAY! It appears you've just perpetrated another crime. The worst part is that I don't even have the fun of doing the stuff I'm getting blamed for. Calvin tells Hobbes they need to get rid of the duplicates. All they do is get him in trouble. Calvin says everyone thinks he's doing all these rotten things, when it's really a duplicate. He's being framed by his own doubles. A bunch of duplicates run past Calvin, saying 'run' and 'hide'. Hobbes says it appears Calvin has perpetrated another crime. Calvin complains that the worst part is that he doesn't even have the fun of doing the stuff he's getting blamed for."
"All right, what did you guys do NOW? You'd better hide, Calvin! Your Mom's on the warpath! CALVIN? She's coming! Quick, get under the duplicator box! There you are! What have you got to say for yourself? I want an explanation for this behavior! Tell her you need a bigger allowance! Yeah! Five TIMES bigger! Um, can I get back to you on this, Mom? NO. Calvin asks the duplicates what they've done now. They tell him to hide, because Mom is on the warpath. All the duplicates hide under the duplicator box when Mom comes in. Calvin smiles and tries to look innocent while Mom asks him to explain his behavior. From under the box, Calvin hears whispered a request to have a bigger allowance. Five times bigger. Calvin asks if he can get back to her on that issue."
"Nyup nchyp. I think a burp died trying to get out of my mouth. I'm thursty. THUMP. Monster eyes! HELP! HELP! IT'S AFTER ME! IT'S GOT ME! I CAN FEEL IT'S TERRIBLE FANGS! CRASH BONK Sleepwalking again! Let's go back to bed, honey. You had a nightmare. Oh, it was YOU! It sure is creepy having a friend whose eyes glow in the dark. It's so we can see people who might be sneakin out of bed to fix a snack without making arrangements to share. Calvin stands looking at the snow, saying everything looks so pretty. He says it's his favorite time of the year. A shadow falls over Calvin. He looks up to see Hobbes. WUMPH! They tumble in the snow and roll down the hill. Covered with snow, Hobbes says this is his favorite time of the year. The new snow muffles approaching footsteps. Also covered with snow, Calvin says he can't wait for spring."
"Boy, Mom sure did read ME the riot act, didn't she? I have an idea. Psst. Calvin! Is the cost clear? Did your Mom go away yet? Can we come out now? Oh no! Your Mom's coming back! There she is! Stay in the box, guys! Keep quiet! Yikes! Shh! Hobbes, you're a genius! I don't hear her. Do you? Hey, what's going on out there? Calvin is depressed that Mom read him the riot act. Hobbes whispers a suggestion to Calvin, who smiles. From under the box, voices ask if Mom has left, if the coast is clear, and whether they can come out. Hobbes says Mom is coming back again. Calvin tells the duplicates to be quiet. Calvin calls Hobbes a genius, as Calvin changes the wording on the box from duplicator to transmogrifier."
"So long, duplicates! What do you mean? We're not going anywh... ZAP! What did you transmogrify them into? Worms! Worms?! Well, I didn't want them to be unhappy... Cool! Look at us! Ha ha! Let's go gross someone out! Calvin says so long to the duplicates. From under the box, they start to say they're not going anywhere. Calvin turns on the transmogrifier. ZAP! Hobbes asks what he changed them into. Calvin tells him worms. He says he didn't want them to be unhappy."
"Well Mom, you don't need to worry about me getting into trouble any more. Oh really? Yup. See, I made these duplicates of myself, and THEY were the ones who were bad, not me. Uh huh... But NOW look! I transmogrified them! OH CALVIN! DON'T CARRY WORMS THROUGH THE HOUSE! OUT! OUT! Well there! You got me in trouble one last time. I hope you're happy! You sure you don't want to put us on your Dad's dinner plate before we go? Calvin tells Mom he won't be getting into trouble anymore. Calvin again explains that he made duplicates of himself, and it was the duplicates who were bad. Calvin shows her that he transmogrified them. He holds his hands open, showing the worms. Mom yells for him not to carry worms through the house. She sends him outside. Calvin digs a hole to put the worms in. He tells them they got him in trouble one last time. He hopes they're happy. The worms ask if he doesn't want to put them on Dad's dinner plate tonight before they go."
"Well, Hobbes, I guess we learned a valuable lesson from this duplicating mess. And what is? And that is, um... It's that, well... OK, so we didn't learn any big lesson. Sue me. Live and don't learn, that's us. Calvin tells Hobbes that they learned a valuable lesson from this duplicating mess. Hobbes asks what that lesson is. Calvin thinks about it, but can't come up with anything. As they walk off, Calvin says 'So we didn't learn any big lesson. Sue me'. Hobbes replies 'Live and don't learn. That's us'."
"WHAP! DID YOU THROW THAT?!? Throw what? Let me see your mittens! There, look! Flecks of bark, pieces of gravel, spots of mud, and granules of ice! That was YOUR snowball, all right! That's the problem with having a signature style. WHAP! Susie gets smacked in the back of the head with a snowball. She asks Calvin if he threw it. Calvin pleads ignorance. Susie looks at Calvin's mittens and sees bits of gravel, bark, mud, and ice. She says it was his snowball. Calvin, lying in a pile of snow, says that's the problem with having a signature style."
"HA! YOU MISSED BY A MILE! NYA NYAHH! THBPTBH! Yes? You're darn lucky I didn't get a snow blower for Christmas! Calvin aims and throws a snowball. He's angered when his target says he missed by a mile. Calvin storms over. Hobbes is there, and Calvin tells him he's lucky Calvin didn't get that snow blower for Christmas."
"AAAAAA I think these comic books he reads are much too grim. Must be! Just look at him twitch. Sledding down the hill, Calvin says television validates existence. The sled ride is fleeting and elusive. By tomorrow, they will have forgotten it, and it may as well have not happened. If they were on TV, countless viewers would share in the event and confirm it. This sled ride would become part of mass consciousness. On TV, the impact of an event is determined by the image, not its substance. With strong visuals, their sled ride could make them cultural icons. Instead of being boring ol' Calvin and Hobbes, they could be 'Calvin and Hobbes - as seen on TV'. They fly off the edge of the hill. Hobbes says at this moment, he likes his anonymity. Calvin thinks they should go for the high-brow public TV audience."
"QUIZ: Jack and Joe leave their homes at the same time and drive towards each other. Jack drives at 60 mph, while Joe drives at 30 mph. They pass each other in 10 minutes. How far apart were Jack and Joe when they started? It was another baffling case. But then, you don't hire a private eye for the easy ones ..."
"I'd planned to take the day off and spend time with a couple of buddies. My buddies travel light and they're fun to have around. One travels in a holster, and the other in a hip flask. My name is Bullet. Tracer Bullet. What people call me is something else again. I'm a private eye. It says so on my door. The last thing I wanted this morning was a case to solve, but the dame who brought it was persuasive. Most dames are, somehow. Get to work, Calvin. I told her it would cost fifty greenbacks a day, plus expenses. It's Tracer Bullet, Private Eye. It says so on the door. He planned to take the day off with his buddies. They travel light and are fun to have around. One travels in a holster, the other in a hip flask. The last thing he wanted was a case to solve, but the dame who brought it was persuasive. Miss Wormwood tells Calvin to get to work. Calvin is sitting at his desk, with his feet up, thinking it would cost her fifty greenbacks a day, plus expenses."
"I stepped out into the rainy streets and reviewed the facts. There weren't many. Two saps, Jack and Joe, drive towards each other at 60 and 30 mph. After 10 minutes, they pass. I'm supposed to find out how far apart they started. Questions pour down like the rain. Who ARE these mugs? What were they trying to accomplish? Why was Jack in such a hurry? And what difference does it make where they started from? I had a hunch that, before this was over, I'd be sorry I asked. Tracer steps out to the street to review the facts. Two saps, Joe and Jack, drive toward each other and pass. Questions pour down like rain. Who are these mugs? What are they trying to accomplish? Why was Jack in such a hurry? Why does it matter where they started? He had a hunch that before this was over, he'd be sorry he asked."
"First I figured I'd try the Derkins dame. Susie and I never hit it off, although occasionally we hit each other. Susie had a face that suggested somebody upstairs had a weird sense of humor, but I wasn't going to her place for laughs. I needed information. The way I looked at it, Derkins acted awfully smug for a dame who had a head for numbers and not much else. Maybe she's got something on Jack and Joe. The question is, will she sing? No, I won't tell you what the answer is. Do your OWN work! Tracer figures he'll try the Derkins dame. Susie and he had never hit it off, occasionally they hit each other. Tracer says Susie has a face that suggests someone upstairs has a weird sense of humor. But he needed information. He figures she looks pretty smug for a dame with a head for numbers, but not much else. The question is, will she sing? Susie tells Calvin she will not tell him the answer and to do his own work."
"The Derkins dame wasn't talking. Someone had gotten to her first and shut her up good. I knew Susie, and closing her mouth would've taken some work. I needed a clue and a drink. One of them I knew where to find. You've made enough trips to the water fountain. Finish your quiz. Suddenly a gorilla pulled me in an alley, squeezed my spine into an accordion, and played a polka on me with brass knuckles. Youse ain't going nowhere, flatfoot. Bullet says the Derkins dame wasn't talking. Someone had gotten to her and shut her up good. He knows Susie. Closing her mouth would have taken some work. He needed a clue and a drink. He knew where to find one of them. Miss Wormwood grabs Calvin and says he's had enough trips to the water fountain. Tracer says a gorilla pulled him into an alley, squeezed his spine into an accordion, and played a polka on him with brass knuckles."
"The inside of my head was exploding with fireworks. Fortunately, my last thought turned out the lights when it left. When I came to, the pieces all fit together. Jack and Joe's lives were defined by integers. Obviously, they were part of a 'numbers' racket! Back in the office, I pulled the files on all the numbers BIG enough to keep Susie quiet and want me out of the picture. The answer hit me like a .44 slug. It had to be the number they called 'Mr. Billion'. Answer: 1,000,000,000. Case closed! Time's up. Bring your papers forward. What did you get, Calvin? I think the answer's 15. Tracer's head was exploding with fireworks. When he came to, the pieces fit together. Jack and Joe's life were defined by integers. They were in a 'numbers' racket. Back in the office, Tracer pulled the files on numbers big enough to keep Susie quiet and to want him out of the picture. Calvin answers 1,000,000,000 on his quiz. Case closed!"
"Uh oh, here comes Calvin... The incurable weirdness poster child. Hi Calvin. What's with the mask and bucket? HMPH. This is a poem! Please do what you're told! And here is a bucket of water ice-cold! Please take this water, and dump it on me! Don't hesitate! Do it A.S.A.P.! Just wait till YOU touch the 'pernicious poem place'!! Oooh, you'll be sorry THEN! Whee! I love playing CalvinBall! This is a bag flag zone! Susie stands in the snow saying winter has wrapped the land in a soft, white blanket, and the earth sleeps quietly. Suddenly, she hears yelling coming down the hill. It's Calvin, yelling at Hobbes to lean, yelling 'look out below', 'mayday', and 'bail out'. Calvin's sled crashes. He yells at Hobbes for almost getting them killed. They start fighting. Susie walks away, saying that when she grows up, she'll live in the tropics. Hobbes tells Calvin to get the sled out of the tree so they can do it again. Calvin wants to get a siren for the sled."
"I missed the bus, Mom. Oh no. Hurry! If we jump in the car, you can zoom up, pass the bus on a straghtaway, drop me off at a later stop, and I can ride the bus from there! C'mon! What are you waiting for? Rev up the car! Mom's so lazy. Calvin comes back inside, telling Mom he missed the bus. He tells her if she hurries, they can jump in the car, zoom up and pass the bus, drop him at a later stop, and he can ride the bus from there. Mom is sitting at the kitchen table, drinking coffee. Calvin runs up to her asking what she's waiting for. He tells her to rev up the car. Calvin, walking down the sidewalk, says Mom's so lazy."
"Readyyy.. Aimmm... Calvin makes a big snowball. He makes another and sets it on top the first. He makes a snowman standing against a tree. He puts a blindfold on it and a stick in its mouth. Calvin gets a snowball in his hand and says ready, aim..."
"Bedtime, kiddo. Aw, Mom! Can't I watch the next program? No, you need your sleep. C'mon. Can I watch another 15 minutes? Please?? OK, just 10 minutes! Then I'll go straight to bed! Five minutes! Just five minutes, OK? Turn off the TV. Look, I'll just watch a few more commercials, OK? See, here's my favorite gum commercial! I guess that got pretty pathetic. Mom tells Calvin it's bedtime. Calvin asks to watch the next TV program. Mom tells him he needs his sleep. Calvin begs for another fifteen minutes of TV watching. Then he tries asking for ten, and finally five minutes. Mom tells him to turn off the TV. Calvin says he'll just watch a few more commercials. He points out his favorite gum commercial just coming on. In bed, Calvin guesses that got pretty pathetic."
"Oh NO! I just remembered that today is 'Show and Tell' day! I need something to show and tell about! Why can't you think of these things more than two minutes before the bus comes? What can I take? I've gotta take something! I've ...ah... ACHOOO Never mind, Mom! Do we have any plastic bags? I don't want to know. I don't want to know. I don't... Eating breakfast, Calvin remembers that it's 'show and tell' day. Mom asks why he can't think of these things more than two minutes before the bus arrives. Calvin runs off saying he has to take something. As he runs, he sneezes into his hands. He tells Mom never mind, and he asks if they have any plastic bags. Mom, sitting reading the newspaper, repeats over and over 'I don't want to know'."
"See? SEE? Starboard is RIGHT! PORT is left! OK, so I was wrong for once in my life! Shut up. Calvin and Hobbes are covered with snow, their sled stuck into the ground. They stomp along, still covered with snow. They're both frowning as they take their coats off and brush off the snow. They both stomp along, still frowning. Hobbes points to the page in the dictionary. He says he told Calvin that starboard is right, and port is left. Calvin concedes that he was wrong for once in his life and tells Hobbes to shut up."
"AARGHH! I MISSED! It's these fuzzy mittens! The snow STICKS to 'em and you can't throw straight! Darn it! Darn it! Darn it! I HATE these fuzzy mittens! If only Mom had gotten me padded gloves instead of these no-good, awful, rotten fuzzy mittens! WHAP! Well I'll be! My fuzzy mittens HAVE pads! Calvin throws a snowball, but misses. He laments his fuzzy mittens. He complains the snow sticks to them, preventing him from throwing straight. As he packs another snowball, he says he hates his fuzzy mittens. If Mom had gotten him padded gloves instead of those mittens....WHAP! He's hit by a snowball. Hobbes walks over to the snow-covered Calvin, looks at his paws, and says that his fuzzy mittens have pads."
"WUMP! Susie happily builds a snowman. Calvin and Hobbes come rocketing down the hill on their sled. WUMP! The snowman goes down the hill on the sled. Susie, Calvin, and Hobbes are stacked up where the snowman used to be."
"ANY dumb kid can build a snowman, but it takes a genius like me to create ART. This snow sculpture transcends corporeal likeness to epxress deeper truths about the human condition! This sculpture is about grief and suffering! One look at the tortured countenance of this figure confirms that the artist has drunk deeply from the cup of life! This work shall endure and inspire future generations! Calvin is building a snowman. He tells Hobbes that any dumb kid can build a snowman, but it takes a genius like him to create art. He says his snow sculpture transcends corporeal likeness to express deeper truths about the human condition. His sculpture is about grief and suffering. He says one look at the tortured countenance of the figure confirms the artist has drunk deeply from the cup of life. He says his work will endure and will inspire future generations. As they stand there, the sun starts to melt the snowman."
"Still making snow art? Yep! Yesterday your sculpture melted. This time I'm taking advantage of my medium's impermanence... This sculpture is about transcience. As this figure melts, it invites the viewer to contemplate the evanescence of life. This piece speaks to the horror of our own mortality! Hey stupid! It's too warm to build a snowman! What a dope! Ha ha ha ha! A philistine on the sidewalk. Genius is never understood in its own time. Hobbes asks if Calvin is making more snow art, since his snowman melted the day before. Calvin tells him that this time, he's taking advantage of the medium's impermanence. This sculpture is about transience. As the snowman melts, it invites the viewer to contemplate the evanescence of life. It speaks to the horror of our own mortality. Someone yells that it's too warm to build a snowman, and they laugh at Calvin. Hobbes says there is a philistine on the sidewalk. Calvin says genius is never understood in its own time."
"How's your snow art progressing? I've moved into abstraction! Ah. This piece is about the inadequacy of traditional imagery and symbols to convey meaning in today's world. By abandoning representationalism, I'm free to express myself with pure form. Specific interpretation gives way to a more visceral response. I notice your oeuvre is monochromatic. Well c'mon, it's just snow. Hobbes asks how Calvin's snow art is coming. Calvin says he's moved into abstraction. His piece is about the inadequacy of traditional imagery and symbols to convey meaning in today's world. By abandoning representationalism, he's free to express himself with pure form. Specific interpretation gives way to a more visceral response. Hobbes notices Calvin's oeuvre is monochromatic. Calvin replies that it's just snow."
"Dad, if you threw a snowball at someone, but deliberately missed, would that be 'bad'? Well, I suppose that would be provoking, so yes, it would be a little bad. As bad as if you'd hit the person? No, not THAT bad, but worse than if you hadn't thrown it at all. Suppose you just GRAZED the person. How bad would that be? Say maybe you knocked off his hat and his glasses or something. That would mean instant death. Calvin asks Dad if he threw a snowball at someone and deliberately missed, would it be 'bad'. Dad says that since it would be a little provoking, it would be a little bad. Not as bad as if you hit the person, but more than if you hadn't thrown it at all. Calvin then asks how bad it would be if you just grazed the person, or knocked off his hat and glasses. Dad says that would mean instant death."
"Boys, this pudding was great! Can I take a bowl upstairs to Hobbes? No, I think you've had enough. I didn't say for ME. I said for HOBBES! Well, I don't think 'Hobbes' needs any either. WHY NOT?! Um... Because tigers need to stay lean and mean. That's what she said. I'm lean! I'm mean! Tell her chocolate pudding makes my coat lustrous. Calvin is eating and tells Mom that the pudding was great. He wants to take a bowl upstairs to Hobbes. Mom says he's had enough. Calvin clarifies that he was going to give it to Hobbes. Mom says Hobbes doesn't need any"