"Well Dad, your polls are real high this week. I'm glad to hear that. Yep, those polled think you are doing a fine job as a Dad. In fact, with a little push today, your political stock could reach a record high. Nice try. Go help your Mom with the dishes. Ooh Dad! Suicide! Ooh! Ooh! Calvin informs Dad his poll results are high and that Dad's political stock could reach a record high with a little push. Dad tells Calvin to go help Mom with the dishes. Calvin laments the political suicide of Dad's decision."
"Here comes Moe, the class bully. He's not smart but he's streetwise. That means he knows what street he lives on. Calvin sees Moe coming and comments that Moe isn't smart, but is streetwise. After Moe passes, Calvin clarifies that means Moe knows which street he lives on."
"Toll booth Dad! You can't put the car in until you pay me a quarter! Why should I pay you to put my car in my garage? Because if you don't I'll pull the door down on the hood as you drive in! What a cheapskate. Calvin stops Dad from bringing his car into the garage. Calvin says Dad needs to give him a quarter before entering. Dad asks why he should pay to put his car into his garage. Calvin informs him that if he doesn't, the garage door will be brought down onto the car. Calvin, sitting on his bed, comments that Dad is a cheapskate."
"A little lower ... ok, fine! Thanks for helping me put up this swing. Where did you ever find this great tire? Calvin! I've got to go to work!! Hobbes is hanging in a tree, lowering a rope. Calvin thanks him for helping put up the tire swing. Hobbes wonders where he got such a nice tire. Dad, standing in his garage, is next to his jacked-up car with one tire missing."
"What's that cereal you're eating? It's my new favorite, 'Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs.' Have a taste. Thank you. Mffpbth!! S-sw-sw sweet!! Actually they're kinda bland till you scoop sugar on 'em. Hobbes asks Calvin what he's eating. Calvin tells him it's his new favorite 'Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs'. He offers Hobbes a taste, and Hobbes chokes on the sweetness. Calvin states they're a little bland until you scoop sugar on them."
"How come we play war and not peace? Too few role models. I'll be the fearless American defender of liberty and democracy ... and you can be the loathsome godless communist oppressor. We're at war, so if you get hit with a dart, you're dead and the other side wins, ok? Gotcha. Go! Wap Wap Kind of a stupid game, isn't it? Calvin and Hobbes are playing war. Calvin is the defender of liberty, Hobbes the godless Communist oppressor. They square off and shoot each other with suction darts. They see they each have a dart stuck in them. Calvin suggests that it's kind of a stupid game."
"Can I be excused? Not until you finish your salmon. Blaughhh! Can I eat it upstairs while I do my homework? Well, I suppose. I brought you your favorite! How's it coming? Well, I couldn't figure out this subtraction problem, so I put 'Atlanta, Georgia' ... Calvin asks to be dismissed from the dinner table. Mom wants him to finish his salmon. Calvin wants to bring the supper to his room while he studies, and Mom consents. Calvin happily gives Hobbes the salmon and asks how the homework is coming. Hobbes is having a bit of a problem with a subtraction problem, so he answers 'Atlanta, Georgia'."
"Hey, Susie, wanna see a magic trick? First, I'll need a ordinary quarter ... Now I'll disappear! Ha ha ha! Hey! Didn't I say it was a trick?? Calvin offers to show Susie a magic trick. He asks for a quarter. Then, he says he'll disappear. Susie doesn't think it's very funny and starts pounding Calvin as he pleads that it was a trick."
Look! A decoder ring! Wow! We can send each other secret messages in code! Ha ha! Now Mom and Dad won't be able to understand us at all! ... not that they do anyway ... Calvin finds a decoder ring in his cereal. He tells Hobbes they can now send each other messages in code. He chuckles that Mom and Dad won't be able to understand them at all....not that they do anyway.
"Rise and shine Calvin! Mfgpbthbbpt The early bird gets the worm! Big incentive. Mom pokes her head into Calvin's room and tells him to rise and shine. As Calvin grumbles, she says the early bird gets the worm. Calvin doesn't think that's much of an incentive."
"I've decided we should be 'cooler' than we are. We're not cool? Sure we're cool. But we're not as cool as we could be. Cool people wear dark glasses! It's cool to bump into things? You don't move, just hang around. Calvin decides he and Hobbes need to look 'cooler'. Calvin says cool people wear sunglasses, so he pulls out a couple pair. Hobbes wonders if it's cool to bump into things. Calvin tells him not to move, just to hang around."
"Hey Dad, will you buy me a flame thrower? Of course not. Don't be silly. Even if I didn't use it in the house? Calvin asks Dad if he will buy him a flamethrower. Dad tells Calvin not to be silly. Calvin fumes, then asks Dad if he'll buy it if Calvin doesn't use it in the house."
"Did you ask your Mom if you could jump off the roof? Questions I know the answers to I don't need to ask right? Is this blanket big enough? Perfect! See, I'll just grab all the corners and make a parachute! You can watch as I float to the ground, gently as a leaf. Geronimo!! Crunch! His Mom's going to have a fit about those rose bushes. Hobbes grabs Calvin's blanket so a parachute can be made. Calvin jumps out his window, planning to float gently to the ground. Instead, he plummets to the ground and crashes. Hobbes figures Mom will have a fit about the rose bushes."
"I told you I'm not sick! What's that? Will it hurt? It's a tongue depressor. It won't hurt at all. What's that? Will it hurt? It's a stethoscope. It won't hurt at all. What's that? Will it hurt? It's a cattle prod. It hurts a little less than a branding iron. Little kids have no sense of humor. Calvin is in the doctor's office wondering what the doctor is doing. The doctor shows his tongue depressor, the stethoscope, and Calvin wonders if they will hurt him. Finally, the doctor pulls out an ear light. Calvin asks what that is, and the doctor tells him a cattle prod. Calvin keels over, while the doctor says little kids have no sense of humor."
"Hey Doc, why are you rubbing my arm with cotton? Are you going to put a leech there? Are you going to bleed me? You're not going to amputate, are you? Are you?? What's that? Is that a shot? Are you going to ... Aaughh! It went clear through my arm!! Ow ow ow ow!!! I'm dying! I hope you've paid your malpractice insurance, you quack!! Where's my mom??! Calvin is in the doctor's office getting his arm swabbed. He asks if the doctor is going to put a leech on it, if he's being bled, or going to amputate. As Mom is reading a magazine, Calvin yells that the shot went through his arm. He yells that he's dying and hopes the doctor's malpractice insurance is paid up. Calvin calls him a quack and yells for his Mom, as she buries her face into the magazine."
"Safari Al hacks his way through the jungle! Suddenly, a giant gorilla rips through the foliage! Clean your room. What? You heard me. It's a jungle in here! Calvin, as Safari Al, hacks through the jungle. A giant gorilla rips through the foliage and grabs Safari Al. The gorilla says 'Clean your room'. Calvin, in his room, looks at Mom who tells him again to clean his room because it's a jungle in there."
"Seen any UFOs yet? Nope. Keep watching the moon. Aliens usually try to sneak up from behind it. What are you doing out here in your pajamas? Get back in bed!! Mothers on the other hand, sneak up from behind the Pachysandra patch. Calvin and Hobbes are outside at night looking for UFO's. Calvin tells Hobbes to keep watching the moon since aliens like to sneak up from behind it. Mom comes up behind them and yells for Calvin to get back into bed. Calvin says that mothers, on the other hand, sneak up behind the pachysandra patch."
"I don't think I'll go to school today. I think you will. I think I won't. Rats. Calvin, lying in bed, tells Mom he doesn't think he'll go to school today. Mom replies that she does think he'll go. Calvin reiterates that he doesn't think he'll go. Calvin, standing at the bus stop, says 'Rats'."
"Good night, Hobbes. Good night. Do you believe in ghosts? Calvin and Hobbes, lying in their sleeping bags in their tent, wish each other a good night. As we look at the tent in the moonlight, one of them asks if the other believes in ghosts. We then see both of them, wide-eyed and teeth clenched, with a baseball bat awaiting the daylight."
"What do you have for lunch Susie? Maybe I'll trade you. Ugh! A cross section of a dachshund. No, thanks. It's bologna! I wonder what I have for lunch today. Its lunch time! Ha ha ha! I think I'll have this little kid!! Help! I'm being eaten alive by my own lunch! Somebody get me a fork! He's got me!! Aaarrrgghh! Wham wham wham! Ha! I killed it with my thermos! See? It's bleeding jelly! No wonder this seat wasn't taken. Calvin's lunch bag attacks him. After a titanic struggle, Calvin kills it with his thermos. He shows Susie that the lunch is bleeding jelly. Susie now realizes why the seat next to Calvin wasn't taken."
"Somewhere in communist Russia I'll bet there's a little boy who has never known anything but censorship and oppression. But maybe he's heard about America, and he dreams of living in this land of freedom and opportunity! Someday, I'd like to meet that little boy ... and tell him the awful truth about this place!! Calvin, be quiet and eat the stupid lima beans. Calvin believes there is a boy in communist Russia who has only known censorship and oppression. He believes this boy may have heard of America, where you can live in a land of freedom and opportunity. Calvin would like to meet that little boy.....and tell him the awful truth. Dad tells him to be quiet and to eat his lima beans."
"Whenever I take my bath ... I always put my ducky in first. For companionship? To test for sharks. Calvin tells Hobbes that when he gets ready to take his bath, he puts his ducky in first. Hobbes asks if that's for companionship. Calvin informs him that it's to test for sharks."
My secret ancient treasure map says to dig here! Look! A wallet full of money! Right where you said! It's Dad's. I buried it here last week. Calvin and Hobbes go treasure hunting. Calvin has an ancient map that says where to dig. Hobbes is surprised to find a wallet full of money right where the map said. Calvin admits that it's Dad's wallet that Calvin buried last week.
"Spaceman Spiff, bold interplanetary explorer, spies on a Zarg! Spiff calibrates his blaster. Ready ... aim ... Calvin, if you shoot that paper clip at me, I'll get your bottom hauled to the principal's office so fast you'll think you were in a time warp!! Confound it. The blaster jammed. Spaceman Spiff spies a Zarg. He readies his blaster. Susie turns around and warns Calvin that if he shoots her with that paper clip, she'll have him hauled to the principal's office so fast he'll think he's in a time warp. Spiff is confounded by his jammed blaster."
"It looks like Hobbes burst a seam here. I'll get my sewing kit. It's just a little cut. I don't need an operation. This is unnecessary surgery! It's not surgery, you're just getting a couple of stiches! What's the big deal? Your mom never uses any anesthetic. Mom notices Hobbes has a torn seam and gets the sewing kit to repair him. Hobbes says it's just a little cut, and that no surgery is required. Calvin tells Hobbes he's just getting a couple stitches and wonders what the big deal is. Hobbes informs him that Mom doesn't use any anesthetic."
"What a peculiar dream I had last night! I dreamed I was in a big fight with a ferocious weasel! What do you suppose it means? It means you're sleeping on the floor tonight, you nincompoop! Hobbes sits up in bed and tells Calvin he had a peculiar dream. Hobbes explains he dreamed he was fighting a ferocious weasel and wonders what it means. Calvin rolls over from the covers, and we see he's all torn up. Calvin angrily tells Hobbes it means he will be sleeping on the floor tonight and calls him a nincompoop."
"Hey Dad, remember our car? Why sure. Wait a minute. What do you mean, 'Remember'? Hobbes, I have a conjectural moral question. Maybe you can help. Sure. Suppose I did something bad. Should I tell Dad? How bad are we supposing? Well, hypothetically, let's say pretty bad. Like to his car hypothetically. How bad, hypothetically, to his car? Well, let's pretend it was real bad. Should we pretend it could be fixed? If we imagined he could find the car, we could pretend it might be fixed. I see. You can keep the book. I'll call the bus station. 'Que pasa, senorita? I am el fugitivo!' Calvin poses a moral question to Hobbes. If Calvin did something bad, would he have to tell Dad about it? Hobbes questions him about how bad a thing it was. Calvin hypothetically might have done something really bad to the car. Hobbes probes about how easily the car could be fixed. Calvin figures if he could find the car, it could be fixed. Given all that, Hobbes grabs a suitcase as Calvin brushes up on his Spanish with 'I am el fugitivo'."
"Why can't I stay up late? You guys can! It's not fair! The world isn't fair Calvin. I know, but why isn't it ever unfair in my favor? Calvin pleads to Dad that he wants to stay up late. After all, he can. Calvin says it's not fair. Dad acknowledges that life isn't fair. Calvin wants life to be unfair in his favor."
"The valiant Spaceman Spiff is being pursued by a disgusting scum being! Spiff spots his hovering spaceship and bolts for the ladder! But he's too late! The awful scum being is upon him! It's all over! It's all over!! I told you three times recess was over! Now get inside! Spaceman Spiff is being chased by a scum being. He spots his hovering spaceship and heads for the ladder. As he climbs, the scum being is upon him, and he knows he's too late. Miss Wormwood has told Calvin three times that recess is over and to get inside."
"As dictator, I have the sole voice in government! I will not tolerate dissent! I alone shall decide the good! I alone shall ... time for bed, Calvin. Couldn't we vote on this? Calvin, in a paper hat and standing in his treehouse, declares as dictator that he is the sole voice of government. He'll tolerate no dissent. He alone will decide the good. As he keeps proclaiming, Mom comes up and tells him it's time for bed. As she carries him to the house, he asks whether they can vote on it."