"Hell, Susie? This is Calvin. You know this report we're supposed to write for school? Yeah, my topic is bats. What's yours? Elephants? Hmm. Well, are you going to the library to look up elephants? You are? Great! While you're there, could you research bats too, and make copies of all the information you find, and maybe underline the important parts for me, and sort of outline it, so I wouldn't have to read it all? How'd it go? I really loathe girls. Calvin calls Susie. He asks her what her topic for the report is. It's elephants. Calvin asks if she's going to the library to do research on elephants. Susie is. Calvin asks while she's there if she wouldn't mind researching bats, too, and make copies of all the information she finds, underline the important parts, and outline it so he doesn't have to read it. Calvin comes back to his bedroom. Hobbes asks how it went. Calvin, with a frown, says he really loathes girls."
"His stabilizers useless, his fuel about to explode, our hero careens out of control over a strange, unexplored planet! Yes, it's just another typical day for the incredible Spaceman Spiff! Zorched by Zarokes, Spaceman Spiff's crippled craft crashes on Platet Plootarg! Dazed but undaunted, our fearless hero sets off in search of a service station! Zounds! The zealous zarches have followed Spiff to the planet's surface to finish him off! With a sudden chill, our hero realizes the planet's soft granular ground makes him easy to track! Thinking quickly, Spiff runs backward, so his tracks show him going the opposite direction! By continuing past a hiding place and doubling back, our hero fools the hideous aliens! CALVIN! It's time to come in! We know he went this way. We'll find him. Calvin asks Dad why old photographs are black and white. He asks if they didn't have color film back then. Dad tells him they did, but the world was black and white then. He says the world didn't turn color until the 1930's. Calvin says that's weird. Dad says truth is stranger than fiction. Calvin then asks why old paintings are in color. If the world was black and white, wouldn't artists have painted it that way? Dad says a lot of great artists were insane. Calvin asks how they could have painted in color. Their paints would have been shades of gray. Dad says the paints turned colors like everything else did in the '30s. Calvin then asks why old black and white photos didn't turn color. Dad says because they were color pictures of black and white. Later, Calvin tells Hobbes the world is a complicated place. Hobbes says whenever it seems that way, he takes a nap in a tree and waits for dinner."
"What am I going to do about this report on bats? You've got to help me, Hobbes! OK, ... um, first let's make a list of what we know. Yeah! That's a good way to start! Great! Number one: what are bats? They're bugs, aren't they? Yeah, put that down. #1 BATS = BUGS Are you sure? They fly, right? They're ugly and hairy, right? C'mon, this is taking all day! Calvin asks Hobbes to help him with his bat report. Hobbes suggests starting with what they know. Hobbes asks what bats are. Calvin asks if they're bugs. He has Hobbes write that down. Hobbes asks if he's sure they're bugs. Calvin says they fly, they're ugly and hairy. He tries hurrying Hobbes, saying this is taking all day."
"I think we've got enough information now, don't you? All we have is one 'fact' you made up. That's plenty. By the time we add an introduction, a few illustrations and a conclusion, it will look like a graduate thesis. Besides, I've got a secret weapon that will GUARANTEE me a good grade! No teacher can resist THIS! What is it? A clear plastic binder! Pretty professional looking, eh? I don't want co-author credit on this, OK? Calvin thinks they have enough information. Hobbes tells him they only have the one fact Calvin made up. Calvin says that's plenty. By the time they add an introduction, a few illustrations, and a conclusion, it will look like a graduate thesis. Besides, he has a secret weapon that guarantees a good grade. No teacher can resist it. It's a clear plastic binder. Pretty professional looking, eh? Hobbes says he doesn't want coauthor credit on the report."
"Hi Susie! Did you write your report? Yeah, I spent all last evening on it. Did you? Well, when you know as much as I do, it doesn't take as long. Mine took about 15 minutes. 15 minutes? Let's see. I guess you won't be setting the grade curve THIS time, Susie! Read it and weep. 'Bats: the big bug scourge of the skies.' Note the professional clear plastic binder. Bats aren't BUGS! Calvin asks Susie if she wrote her report. She did, it took all the evening. Calvin says it only took him 15 minutes. It doesn't take long when you know as much as he does. Susie asks to see the report. Calvin tells her she won't be setting the grade curve this time. She reads the title 'Bats: The Big Bug Scourge of the Skies'. Calvin points out the professional, clear plastic binder. Susie yells that bats aren't bugs."
"All right, class, who would like to give his report first? I WOULD! I WOULD! Why Calvin, what a surprise to see YOU volunteer! You must have done a good job. Go to the front of the class. Oh boy! Now let's all pay attention. Go ahead, Calvin. Thank you. Before I begin, I'd like everyone to notice that my report is in a professional, clear plastic binder. That's very nice. Go ahead. When a report looks this good, you know it'll get an 'A'. That's a tip, kids. Write it down. Miss Wormwood asks the class if there are any volunteers to give his report first. Calvin volunteers. Miss Wormwood is surprised. She says Calvin must have done a good job. She tells Calvin to start. Calvin begins by pointing out to everyone that his report is in a professional, clear plastic binder. Calvin continues by saying when a report looks this good, you know it'll get an 'A'. He says that's a tip, kids, and he tells them to write that down."
"My report is on bats. ...ahem... 'Dusk! With a creepy tingling sensation, you can hear the fluttering of leathery wings! BATS! With glowing red eyes and glistening fangs, these unspeakable giant bugs drop onto...' BATS AREN'T BUGS!! Look, who's giving the report? YOU chowderheads... or ME?! Calvin, I'd like to see you a moment. Calvin starts with a dramatic reading of 'With a creepy, tingling sensation, you hear the fluttering of leathery wings. Bats! These unspeakable giant bugs drop onto...'. The class all replies 'Bats aren't bugs'. Calvin asks them who's giving the report. Those chowderheads or him? Miss Wormwood would like to see Calvin a moment."
"Man alive! Can you believe what my teacher wrote on my report? She says I obviously did no research whatsoever on bats, and that my scientific illustration looks like I traced the Batman logo and added fangs! She's pretty perceptive. She didn't even give me credit for my professional clear plastic binder! What did your parents have to say? Nothing. And if you'll give me a hand here, it will stay that way. Calvin complains to Hobbes about what the teacher wrote on his report. She says he obviously did no research whatsoever and that his scientific illustration looks like he traced the Batman logo and added fangs. Hobbes says she's pretty perceptive. Calvin says she didn't even give him credit for the professional, clear plastic binder. Hobbes asks what his parents have to say. Calvin replies nothing. He says with Hobbes' help, it will stay that way. He has a shovel in his hand, and he's digging a hole for the report."
"Let's just sit here a moment... and savor the impending terror. Here we are, perched at the peak of Mount Maim! Why? Because I like to experience life to the fullest! I say you don't fully APPRECIATE life until you risk losing it! I like to stare death straight in the eye and make him blink! If your adrenalin isn't pumping, you're not really living! Right? Actually, I think real living is sitting by a fire, slurping marshmallows from the bottom of a mug of hot cocoa. Calvin believes history is a force. Its tide sweeps all people and institutions along its path. Everything and everyone serve history's single purpose. Hobbes asks what that purpose is. Calvin says to produce him, of course. He's the end result of history. Calvin says thousands of generations lived and died to produce his exact, specific parents, whose reason for being was to produce him. Calvin goes on to say all history has been spent preparing the world for his presence. Hobbes thinks four and a half billion years probably wasn't long enough. Calvin says he's here, and history is vindicated. Hobbes asks what he's going to do, now that history's brought him. They sit at home watching cartoons on the television."
"Hi Susie. What did you bring for lunch today? A swiss cheese and ketchup sandwich. It's my very favorite, too. So I don't want to hear what gross thing YOU brought. Relax, Susie. I bought cafeteria lunch today. Good. It appears to be cigar butts in a gallstone sauce. That's beany-wienies! Really? Oh gross. Calvin asks Susie what she brought for lunch. Susie tells him a Swiss cheese and ketchup sandwich. She says it's her favorite, so she doesn't want to hear what gross thing he brought. Calvin says he bought the school lunch today. He says it appears to be cigar butts in a gallstone sauce. Susie yells that those are beany-wienies. Calvin sticks out his tongue and says 'Oh gross'."
"Hello? Hi Dad. It's me, Calvin. You're supposed to be at school! I AM at school. Are you all right? What's the matter? Why are you calling? I told the teacher I had to go to the bathroom. Quick, what's 11+7? Dad answers the phone, and it's Calvin. Calvin tells him he's at school. Dad asks if everything is alright. He asks why he called. Calvin says he told the teacher he had to go to the bathroom. Instead, Calvin went to the pay phone. He asks Dad what 11 + 7 is."
I was reading about how countless species are being pushed toward extinction by man's destruction of forests. Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us. Calvin and Hobbes are walking in the woods. Calvin says he was reading how countless species are being pushed toward extinction by man's destruction of forests. Calvin continues by saying the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.
"What are you DOING?! You're going to be late for school! Hurry up and put your clothes on right. It's sad how some people can't handle a little variety. Calvin pulls his shirt out, then steps into it. He comes downstairs standing in his shirt, with his pants and shoes on his head. Mom tells him he will be late for school. He makes him put his clothes on right. Walking away, Calvin laments that it's sad how some people can't handle a little variety."
"I wonder why man was put on earth. What's our purpose? Why are we here? Tiger food. In bed, Calvin wonders why man was put on earth. He asks what's their purpose. Why are they here? Hobbes tells him 'tiger food'. Hobbes then smiles at Calvin. Lying back down in bed, Calvin peeks over at Hobbes."
"Z Z SNAP A little high-strung, are we? We tigers all it lightning quick reflexes Hobbes is lying asleep on the floor. Calvin walks by blowing a gum bubble. It pops, and Hobbes jumps into the air. Calvin, lying on the floor all torn up, asks Hobbes if he's a little high-strung. Hobbes tells him tigers call it lightning quick reflexes."
"Calvin suddenly realizes the world has no hue, value, or chroma! Have the photoreceptors in Calvin's eyes stopped working properly, or has the fundamental nature of light changed?? Perhaps some strange nuclear or chemical reaction on the sun has caused electromagnetic radiation to defy separation into a spectrum! Maybe objects no longer reflect certain wavelengths! Whatever the cause, it's clear to Clavin that there's no point in discussing things with his Dad! The problem is, you see everything in terms of black and white. SOMETIMES THAT'S THE WAY THINGS ARE!! Calvin is dragging the sled, but there's no snow on the ground. Hobbes asks what he's doing. Calvin says he plans an appeal to the snow demons. He says they're tormenting them with wimpy weather because they're angry. Calvin is going to lie on his sled and think snow thoughts until the snow demons have mercy and unleash a blizzard. Calvin says a rhyme about it snowing. Hobbes looks at the sky. He walks away and says he'll come out in January to see how he's doing. Calvin tells him to let Mom know he'll need his meals out there and that he won't be going to school tomorrow."
"Sighhhh... HEY! WHOA! WHOA! WAHHH BAM CALVIN, QUIT BANGING AROUND! Calvin is reading his homework. Suddenly, he flies up into the ceiling. BAM! Mom yells in from the other room for him to quit banging around."
"Ow! What am I doing on the ceiling? Hmm... nothing else fell up. Just me. This is very strange. Even if I try to jump to the floor, I land back on the ceiling! My personal gravity must have reversed polarity! You'd thing this is the type of thing we'd learn about in science class, but no, we learn about cirrus clouds. Calvin is sitting on the ceiling. Nothing else fell up, just him. If he tries to jump to the floor, he lands back on the ceiling. His personal gravity must have reversed polarity. As he walks along the ceiling, he says you'd think this would be the type of thing they'd learn about in science class. But instead, they learn about cirrus clouds."
Having my personal gravity polarity reversed is a nuisance. How am I going to get up to the floor? There's not anything on the ceiling that I could even climb up. How am I supposed to do my homework when I'm trapped on the ceiling? It's impossible. Calvin can't figure out how to get to the floor with his personal gravity polarity reversed. There's nothing on the ceiling he can climb to get there. He wonders how he'll do his homework if he's trapped on the ceiling. Calvin smiles.
"Mom and Dad won't be too happy about THIS. No sir. Dad will have to bolt my bed to the ceiling tonight, and Mom will have to stand on a stepladder to hand me dinner. Then I'll have to hold my plate upside-"
"All this wide open ceiling space! I wish I could get my roller skates. Heyh, maybe I can climb up this bookcase and when I get to the bottom shelf, leap to a chair. Then I can pull myself across other pieces of furniture and work my way to the chest. I can hear Mom now: How on earth did you get sneaker prints on the underside of each shelf?!' With all the open ceiling space, Calvin wishes he could get his roller skates. He decides to try climbing down the bookcase and jumping to a chair. Then he can pull himself across other pieces of furniture to get to his toy chest. As he walks down the bookcase, he says he can hear Mom wondering how he got sneaker prints on the underside of each shelf."
"There! I think I can jump to that chair and hang on to the back. GEERONIMOOO! WHOAAA! WHAM! Great. Just great. Calvin, QUIT BANGING AROUND! Calvin is ready to jump to the chair. He leaps. The chair pushes over and lands on its back. WHAM! Mom yells in from the other room for him to quit banging around."
"While lying on my back to make an angel in the snow, I saw a greenish craft appear! A giant UFO! A strange, unearthly hum it made! It hovered overhead! And aliens were moving 'round in view ports glowing red! I tried to run for cover, but a hook that they had low'r'd Snagged me by my overcoat and hoisted me aboard! Even then, I tried to fight, though they numbered many, I poked them in their compound eyes and pulled on their antennae! It was no use! They dragged me to a platform, tied me up, and wired to my cranium a fiendish suction cup! They turned it on and current coursed across my cerebellum, coaxing from my brain tissue the things I wouldn't tell 'em! All the math I ever learned, the numbers and equations, were mechanically removed in this brain-draining operation! My escape was an adventure. (I won't tell you what I did.) Suffice to say I cannot add, so ask some other kid. Calvin gets dressed and walks out the door. He trips on a rock and falls through the sky. He wakes up. He gets out of bed, gets dressed, goes out the door, and falls through the sky. He wakes up. He hears Mom call to him, asking if he's getting up."
"RRG! MMF! Getting any HOMEWORK done, or are you just ruining furniture? Maybe I'm hanging here for dear LIFE! Ever think of THAT? Calvin tries to pull the chair upright. Mom comes over and asks if he's getting any homework done, or if he's just ruining furniture. Calvin replies that maybe he's hanging on the chair for dear life."
"I'm TELLING you, my personal gravity reversed its polarity! I fall UP now! I've been trapped on the ceiling! I couldn't do my homework up THERE! My desk is on the FLOOR! You should be glad I wasn't OUTSIDE when it happened, or I'd be sailing through the ionosphere! Right. Now I don't want to hear any more nonsense until you're through with your homework, understand? DON'T LET GO! DON'T LET GO! As Mom picks Calvin up, he tells her his personal gravity reversed its polarity. As Mom carries him up the stairs, he tells her he's been stuck on the ceiling. He couldn't do his homework there. He tells Mom she should be glad it didn't happen outside or he would be sailing through the ionosphere. As Mom puts him in his chair, she tells him she doesn't want to hear any more of his nonsense until he's through with his homework. Calvin tells her not to let him go."
"It's... it's a miracle! My personal gravity is back to normal! Glad to hear it. Now do your math. You bet, Mom. Boy, what a relief to be pulled down instead of up! I'll check your progress in a little bit. Uh oh. Calvin declares a miracle. His personal gravity is back to normal. Mom's glad to hear it. Calvin says it's a relief to be pulled down instead of up. Mom says she'll check on his progress in a little bit. Calvin sits grumpily looking at his homework. He starts to get larger. He says 'uh oh'."
"I've got to get outside before I grow bigger! I suppose I should get my pituitary gland checked. Calvin has to get outside before he grows bigger. He barely gets his foot out the door. Once outside, he walks off saying he should get his pituitary gland checked."
"I know! I'll run downtown and find Dad at work! Maybe he can help! Hm... now which building does Dad work in? They all look the same. ... well, maybe Dad can find ME. Calvin runs toward downtown to find Dad at work. He figures he can help. As Calvin walks among the skyscrapers, he can't tell which one Dad works in. He decides maybe Dad can find him."
"Mom never lets me stay up to watch the TV shows I really want to see. Why not? She says they're too educational. I watched a nature program on TV last night. Afterward, I asked Dad if life was really nothing more than surviving long enough to reproduce before you became food for something else. Well, he looked at me a minute, and said he didn't know about the rest of it, but he thought that the importance of reproducing was greatly overrated. I've noticed in those programs how the young males often leave the herd at an early age. I think it's GOOD that everyone becomes food. The muck monsters of Mordo are closing in on Spaceman Spiff. They fire at them, but just miss. He tries to fly through the rings of the planet below. The monsters veer off, afraid to follow Spiff. Swerving left, right, up, and down, Spiff pilots around each hurling missile. POW! Our hero's going down. Moe has hit Calvin with a ball. Calvin, lying against a wall, says he hates playing 'dodge ball' in gym class."