"Rosalyn? What are you doing out of bed? I thought I heard something outside. I didn't hear anything. It was kind of a thump. Will you go look, and make sure it's not anything scary? I'll check, but I didn't hear any thump. Yes... yes! Go out the door! Two more steps! Oh please, oh please! Yes, yes, yes! See? There's nothing out here. Calvin comes down the stairs. Rosalyn asks why he's out of bed. Calvin tells her he heard a thump outside. He wants her to check to make sure it's nothing scary. Rosalyn didn't hear a thump, but she offers to check. Calvin waits behind her, thinking her to go another two steps. Rosalyn looks out the door."
"See, Calvin? There's nothing out here. But I KNOW I heard something! Go look, OK? Please? OK, if it will make you feel... HEY! SLAM THIS WAS A TRICK?! WHY YOU SNEAKY LITTLE DROP, I'LL GET YOU!! Hobbes! I locked her out! Now we can watch TV and eat cookies till we're SICK! Oh boy! This is the best we've EVER been baby sat! Rosalyn shows Calvin there is nothing outside. Calvin closes the door behind her. He locks the door. He and Hobbes can watch TV and eat cookies until they're sick. Hobbes says this is the best they've ever been baby sat."
"CALVIN, WILL YOU LET ME BACK IN THE HOUSE THIS INSTANT! Don't worry, Rosalyn! There's only a 50% chance of rain tonight! Ha ha! She's trying to open the downstairs windows. It's OK. I already locked them up. YOU OPEN UP THAT DOOR! Hey Roz! What's in your purse? Mind if we look?? Rosalyn yells in for Calvin to let her inside. From the top window, Calvin taunts her by saying there's only a 50% chance of rain. Hobbes notices her trying to open the downstairs windows. Calvin already has locked them. Rosalyn looks in the window and tells Calvin to open the door. Calvin asks what's in Rosalyn's purse and says he's going to look."
"Hmm... For THIS patient, I'm going to need more tongue depressors.All right, what's wrong with you? ... like I care. My foot hurts, Doctor. Your FOOT hurts? What kind of a stupid problem is THAT?! You're the doctor! You're supposed to find out what's wrong with it. It's psychosomatic. You need a lobotomy. I'll get a doctor. A LOBOTOMY?! That's not what a REAL doctor would say! Yeah? Who's wearing the stethescope, you or me? Here's a mallet. Do you want anesthesia? Wh... that's to test REFLEXES! Y-you don't know ANYTHING! How about a SHOT then? Like a shot in the mouth? That does it! I know more about medicine than you! I'll be the doctor now! Ow! Ow! Quit kicking! See, that's why your dumb foot hurts! Stop it! Say it! Sai I'm the doctor! OK, you're the doctor! But I'm not going to be any patient of YOURS! I'm leaving! Fine! Good riddance! You ruin everything! The surgeon general should issue a warning about playing with girls. I'D be Susie's patient! It's recess and there's a tyrannosaurus on the playground. The kids at the top of the slide go first. They had pushed and fought each other to be there. Teachers line the kids up to go inside. That's a sad mistake. The kids are gobbled up like Children McNuggets. The playground is empty. The tyrannosaur lets out a triumphant roar. Miss Wormwood sees Calvin's empty desk and wonders where he is. One of the kids in the class sees him by the swings yelling or something."
"CALVIN, I'M, TELLING YOUR PARENTS ABOUT THIS! NOW LET ME IN! Pipe down, will ya Roz? Hobbes and I can hardly hear the TV! You're not supposed to BE watching television! Hey, if you go rent us a VCR and a mobie, we'll put the TV near a window so you can watch too! LET ME IN! Are you 18? You could get us 'Venusian Vampire Vixens'! Rosalyn yells in that she's going to tell Calvin's parents about this. Calvin yells down for Rosalyn to pipe down. He and Hobbes can hardly hear the TV. Rosalyn says that he isn't supposed to be watching TV. Calvin offers that if she'll go get a VCR and a movie, they'll put the TV near a window so she can watch. Rosalyn shakes the door knob. Calvin asks if she's 18. He wants her to get 'Venusian Vampire Vixens'."
"CALVIN! Hang on, Roz. The phone is ringing! I hope it's your parents! I hope they ask to talk to me! Boy, you'll be in trouble THEN! It's your boyfriend, Charlie! Should I tell him that you're indisposed? Ha ha! No! LET ME TALK TO HIM! Say chas, don't you think you're settling for too little in the girlfriend department? The phone rings inside the house. Rosalyn hopes it's Calvin's parents. She yells in that she hopes they ask to speak with her. Calvin says it's her boyfriend, Charlie. He offers to say she's indisposed. She wants to talk with Charlie. Calvin asks Chas if he isn't settling for too little in the girlfriend department."
"Isn't it great to get out of the house alone together for a change? It's so nice and quiet. We should do this more often. CALVIN, YOU'VE GOT FIVE SECONDS TO OPEN THE DOOR BEFORE I BREAK A WINDOW! I'm telling you Chuck, your girlfriend is a psycho! I hope you're not makingany long-range plans around her. At the restaurant, Mom and Dad are holding hands with wine glasses on the table. Mom says it's nice for them to get out of the house alone together for a change. Dad says it's so nice and quiet, they should do it more often. At home, Rosalyn yells in that she's going to break a window to get in. Calvin, on the phone, tells Chuck that his girlfriend is a psycho. He hopes Charlie isn't making any long-range plans around her."
"Wow, this is fun! All the TV shows we're not allowed to watch, and a bag of cookies each! SLAM! Hey, what was that? AAUGH!! ROSALYN! H-how did YOU g-get in?? *gulp* whoops, I think it's past my bedtime. Calvin and Hobbes are sitting on the floor watching TV. Calvin says this is fun. All the TV shows they aren't allowed to watch and a bag of cookies each. They hear a slam. Calvin wonders what it is. It's Rosalyn! Calvin is horrified and wonders how she got in. Mom and Dad come up behind Rosalyn. Calvin gulps and decides it's past his bedtime."
"It was all a misunderstanding! An innocent mistake! Let me explain! Calvin, listen closely. Locking Rosalyn out of the house wasn't just MEAN, it was DANGEROUS. If you'd hurt yourself or if there was a fire, she wouldn't have been able to help you. You go apologize to Rosalyn right now. I-I'm sorry, Rosalyn. And we're sorry too. I PROMISE you Calvin will behave himself next time. An extra five would help there BE a next time. Mom drags Calvin while he protests that is was a misunderstanding, an innocent mistake. Mom explains that locking Rosalyn out of the house wasn't just mean, it was dangerous. She explains that if he had gotten hurt or there was a fire, Rosalyn wouldn't have been able to help him. She tells Calvin to go apologize. Calvin does. Dad adds that he and Mom are sorry too and assures her Calvin will behave himself next time. Rosalyn says an extra five would help there be a next time."
"Boy, did I get in trouble. Stealing Mom's shoes and making Mom and Dad late... then locking the baby sitter out of the house... whoof. That's a lot to live down for just one evening. I feel pretty bad. And having eaten a whole package of Oreos doesn't help. You said it. In bed, Calvin tells Hobbes he got in trouble. Stealing Mom's shoes, making Mom and Dad late, locking Rosalyn out of the house. Calvin says that's a lot to live down for just one evening. He feels pretty bad. Hobbes adds that having eaten a whole package of Oreos doesn't help."
"Why do animals always walk in circles before they lie down? Sorry. Privileged information. Z Psst! Hey kid! MONSTERS! What do you want? There's a big, shiny toy for you under the bed. Come get it! Oh sure! You just want me to come there so you can grab me with some oozing appendage, slowly paralyze me with some vile secretion, and devour me alive! Nice try! Forget it! Stupid monsters. All fangs and no brains. Psst! Tiger! We'll give you some salmon if you push the kid over the bed! Is the salmon fresh? Hold on, I'll check. Yeah, it's fresh. HOBBES, DON'T LISTEN TO THEM!!"
"Man, this is boring! How am I ever going to read three whole pages of this by tomorrow? It's impossible! ... Impossible?? Why, NOTHING'S impossible! Not for ... STUPENDOUS MAN! Bum ba ba daa dum bum ba ba daa dum Calvin is reading his homework. He says it's boring. He asks how he's ever going to read three whole pages by tomorrow. It's impossible. He hits his book and says nothing's impossible...for Stupendous Man. He runs out of the room."
"YES! It's ... STUPENDOUS MAN! Friend of freedom! Opponent of oppression! Lover of liberty! Great moons of Jupiter! Calvin (STUPENDOUS MAN's 6-year-old alter ego) has three pages of boring homework to read! It's TYRANNY! Although STUPENDOUS MAN could easily read the assignment with stupendous high-speed vision, the masked man of might has a bolder plan! With stupendous powers of reasoning, the caped combatant conclused thatere's no need for homework, if there's no school tomorrow! It's Stupendous Man, lover of liberty. He notices Calvin (his 6-yr-old alter ego) has three pages of boring homework to read. It's tyranny! Stupendous Man could easily read the assignment with his high-speed vision, he has a bolder plan. The caped combatant concludes there's no need for homework if there is no school tomorrow."
"A blinding bolt of blazing crimson careens across the sky! It's STUPENDOUS MAN! Seconds later, the amazing marvel alights upon an observatory telescope at Mount Palomar! With stupendous strength, STUPENDOUS MAN carefully unscrews the giant lens... ... and blasts into space with it! Stupendous Man flies to the observatory telescope at Mount Palomar. With his stupendous strength, he carefully unscrews the giant lens and blasts into space with it."
"STUPENDOUS MAN circles the earth with a 200-inch telescope lens! Aligned perfectly with the sun, the magnifying lens focuses the terrible solar energy... ... and fries a certain elementary school clean off the map! Now mild mannered Calvin has no need to do his homework ever again! Liberty prevails! How's your homework coming along, Calvin? Stupendous Man circles the earth with a 200 inch telescope lens. Aligning perfectly to the sun, the magnifying lens focuses the terrible solar energy....and fries a certain elementary school clean off the map. Stupendous Man flies into the bedroom window saying Calvin has no need of ever doing homework again. Liberty prevails!"
"Uh oh, it's my arch-nemesis, MOM-LADY! She can't discover my secret identity! Calvin? Are you doing your homework in there? Quickly, STUPENDOUS MAN leaps into the closet to change back into his 6year-old alter ego, mild-mannered Calvin! Calvin? Are you in here? Unfortunately, STUPENDOUS MAN's cape is caught in mild-mannered Calvin's zipper! Curses! This is going to be a good one, I can tell. Geez, Mom! Can't a guy have a little privacy?! Mom calls into the bedroom asking if Calvin is doing his homework. Stupendous Man recognizes his archnemesis, Mom-lady. He doesn't want her to discover his secret identity. He goes into the closet to change back into his alter ego, Calvin. Mom enters the bedroom looking for Calvin. Calvin, in the closet, notices that Stupendous Man's cape has gotten caught in Calvin's zipper. Mom opens the closet to see Calvin standing in his underwear. She says she can tell this is going to be a good one."
"And why, may I ask, are you standing in your underwear in the closet? Oh, no reason. Um.. I was hot. You're SUPPOSED to be doing your homework! I don't need to do it now, thanks to STUPENDOUS MAN! Oh yeah? It was great! He fried the school with a big magnifying lens in space! I'm sure it will be in all the papers tomorrow. Boy, she'll be in trouble when she gives me my costume back. BIG trouble. Mom asks why he's standing in his closet in his underwear. Calvin says because it was hot. Mom reminds him he's supposed to be doing his homework. Calvin tells her he doesn't have to do it, thanks to Stupendous Man. He explains how Stupendous Man fried the school with a big magnifying glass in space. He's sure it will be in all the papers tomorrow. Calvin, sitting at his desk reading his homework, grumbles that she'll be in trouble when she gives him his costume back."
"Thank you, Claire. That was very good. ... all right, who'd like to go next? Anyone at all besides Calvin? HEY! For show-and-tell, I brought these amazing fossilized bone fragments that I painstakingly unearthed from sedimentary deposits in my front yard! Though they look like ordinary driveway gravel to the untotured eyes of the ignorant layman, I immediately recognized these as pieces of jawbone from a new species of carnosaur! In this dramatic illustration, I've re-created the complete Calvinosaurus as it would have appeared in the late Jurassic! It's coloration here is somewhat conjectural. I'll be publishing my full findings shortly! Undoubtedly, I'll be the recipient of many lucrative paleontology prizes, and in a matter of weeks, prestige, fame and fortune will be mine! When this happens, you can be darn sure that those of you who were mean to me in school will suffer appropriately! I'll employ my resources to make your puny lives miserable! I'll crush your pitiful dreams and ambitions like bugs in the dust! ... but there IS an alternative! I'm now accepting a limited number of applications to be my pal. The cost is just $20 per person, and you can revel in the association for a lifetyme! Any takers? Oh yeah? Just you wait! Calvin comes home and is pounced on by Hobbes. They're fighting as Susie asks what he's doing. She says he didn't even change out of his school clothes. Calvin explains that this maniac is so glad to see him that he blasts out like a big orange torpedo. A dog will wag its tail, but a tiger has to pounce on you. Susie asks if Hobbes pounces on him. Calvin says Hobbes enjoys the treachery and cunning of it all. He says it's their evil nature. Susie points out that Hobbes is just sitting there. Calvin says it's a big disguise. No one can fathom the savage mind of a jungle cat. He's a killer to the core. Susie walks off wishing her parents would move. Her diary gets weirder every day. Calvin looks at Hobbes and cocks his fist. He says to wipe off that grin or he'll do it for him."
"Uh oh, Calvin the reptile is in trouble! As an ectotherm, his body relies on the environment to warm or cool its temperature. Now that it's colder outside, Calvin's body temperature falls and he becomes sluggish! He'll go into torpor if he can't find a warm place to lie! Leave the thermostat alone, and put on a sweater if you're cold. I ... I don't have the en.. energy! Calvin the reptile is in trouble. As an ectotherm, his body relies on the environment to warm or cool its temperature. Since it's colder outside, Calvin's body temperature falls and he becomes sluggish. He'll go into torpor if he can't find a warm place to lie. Mom tells Calvin to leave the thermostat alone and put a sweater on if he's cold. Calvin, slumped on a chair, says he doesn't have the energy."
"I heard that big cats don't purr. That's true. We're too fierce and ferocious, we don't ever purr. Well, what do you call the noice you make when you get your tummy rubbed? Growling friendly-like. Hobbes is lying on the floor with Calvin leaning against him. Calvin heard that big cats don't purr. Hobbes says that's true. They're too fierce and ferocious. Calvin asks what he calls the noise he makes when his tummy gets rubbed. Hobbes replies it's growling friendly-like."
"Calvin, your Mom and I looked over your report card, and we think you could be doing better. But I don't like school. Why not? You like to read and you like to learn. I know you do. I mean, you've read every dinosaur book ever written, and you've learned a lot, right? Reading and learning are fun. Yeah... So why don't you like school? We don't read about dinosaurs. Dad tells Calvin that he and Mom looked over his report card and think he could do better. Calvin says he doesn't like school. Dad explains that Calvin likes to read and likes to learn. He knows Calvin has read every dinosaur book ever written, and he learned a lot. He says reading and learning are fun. Dad asks why he doesn't like school. Calvin tells him they don't read about dinosaurs."
"I've got an idea, Dad. Maybe I'd get better grades if you offered me $1 for ever 'D', $5 for every 'C', $10 for every 'B', and $50 for every 'A'! I'm not going to BRIBE you, Calvin. You should apply yourself for your own good. Rats. I thought I could make an easy four bucks. Calvin has an idea for Dad. He suggests Dad pay him $1 for every 'D', $5 for every 'C', $10 for every 'B', and $50 for every 'A'. Dad says he's not going to bribe Calvin. He should apply himself for his own good. Calvin says rats, he thought he could make a quick four bucks."
"Hello? Valley hardware? Yes, I'm calling to see if you sell blasting caps, detonators, timers and wire. Just the wire? OK, forget it. Do you rent bulldozers or backhoes? No, no, a rototiller won't do at all. I need something more like a wrecking ball. Do you know where I could get anything like that? No? OK, goodbye. Looks like another boring day, Hobbes."
"I can't sleep, Hobbes. I've been thinking. What about? Well, suppose there's no afterlife. That would mean THIS life is all you get. And THAT would mean I'm sitting here in a bed as precious moments of my alltoo-short life disappear forever. Honey, wake up. Did you hear the television on? Calvin can't sleep, he's been thinking. Hobbes asks about what. Calvin wonders what happens if there is no afterlife. That would mean this life is all you get. That would mean he's sitting in bed as precious moments of his all-too-short life disappear forever. Mom wakes Dad asking if he hears the television on."
"Hey Hobbes! ... Hobbes! It's bedtime. Ooh, I wouldn't have wanted to sleep through THAT. I wonder why we dream when we sleep. Do our brains get bored? I wonder why we don't just plain sleep. I think we dream so we don't have to be apart so long. If we're in each other's dreams, we can plan together all night. Hey, yeah! Well, I'll see you in a few minutes, ol' buddy! I'll be there! Z Z Calvin can't get to sleep. He tries lying still thinking about how good it feels in bed, how soft the pillow is, how tired he is. That isn't working. He hears someone calling his name. Calvin asks if Mom is awake too. It's time to get up. Calvin says it can't be. It's the middle of the night and he hasn't slept a wink yet. Mom gently shakes Calvin awake. He had been dreaming. Calvin blinks his eyes. As he eats his cereal, he says this is going to be a bad day."
"The strangest thing happened to me a few minutes ago. Oh? What? I was minding my own business, when suddenly I was zapped into some sort of space void vortex! There I watched helplessly as an evil duplicate of myself from a parallel univere too my place on earth, and... what have you done NOW? No, no, see, it wasn't ME... Calvin tells Mom the strangest thing happened to him a few minutes ago. He was suddenly zapped into some sort of space void vortex. He watched helplessly as an evil duplicate of himself from a parallel universe took his place and... Mom asks what he did now. Calvin quickly says it wasn't him."
"Heh heh heh! AHA! I see you! Sneaking up to pounce on me, eh? Phooey. You see why MOST tigers don't chuckle to themselves. Calvin is reading in the chair. He hears something say 'heh, heh, heh'. He looks behind the chair. He tells Hobbes he sees him sneaking up to pounce on him. Hobbes says 'phooey'. Calvin tells him he sees why most tigers don't chuckle to themselves."
"Want to play a great game I invented? OK. It's called 'Gross Out'. You say the grossest think you can imagine, and then I try to think of something even grosser. Whoever comes up with the grossest thing gets a point, and we play until someone gets 50 points, OK? I think I already know who's going to win. It's weidt, nobody ever played a whole game with me. Calvin asks Hobbes if he wants to play a game he invented. It's called 'gross out'. Hobbes should say the grossest thing he can think of, then Calvin tries to come up with something grosser. Whoever has the grossest thing gets a point. They play until someone gets 50 points. Hobbes says he thinks he already know who will win. Calvin says nobody has ever played a whole game with him."
"Pay attention to me. Dad is sitting on his chair, reading. Calvin blows up a paper bag and pops it. Dad jumps. Calvin tells him to pay attention to him."
"I've got to write a report for school. What's your topic? Bats. Can you imagine anything more stupid? Heck, I don't know anything about bats! How am I supposed to write a report on a subject I know nothing about?! It's impossible. I suppose research is out of the question. Oh, like I'm going to learn about bats and THEN write a report?! Give me a break! Calvin tells Hobbes he has to write a report for school. It's on bats. Calvin can't think of anything more stupid. He says he doesn't know anything about bats. How's he supposed to write a report on something he knows nothing about? Hobbes says he supposes research is out of the question. Calvin says he's going to learn about bats, then write a report? Give him a break!"