"Why does the sky turn red as the sun sets? That's all the oxygen in the atmosphere catching fire. Where does the sun go when it sets? The sun sets in the west. In Arizona actually, near flagstaff. Oh. That's why the rocks there are so red. Don't the people get burned up? No, the sun goes out as it sets. That's why it's dark at night. Doesn't the sun crush the whole state when it lands? Ha ha, of course not. Hold a quarter up. See, the sun's just about the same size. I thought I read that the sun was really big. You can't believe everything you read, I'm afraid. So how does the sun rise in the east if it lands in Arizona each night? Well, time for bed. I hope someday I'm as smart as Dad is. Why, what did he tell you now? Sitting on the step of their home, Calvin asks Dad where the sun goes when it sets. Dad says Flagstaff, Arizona. He says that's why the rocks there are so red. Calvin asks if the sun doesn't crush the state when it lands. Dad says no. He holds a quarter in front of the sun and tells Calvin the sun is about the same size. Calvin mentions he thought the sun was really big. Dad tells him he can't believe everything he reads. Calvin asks how the sun can rise in the east if it lands in Arizona each night. Dad says it's time for Calvin to go to bed. As Mom tucks Calvin in, he tells her that he hopes someday to be as smart as Dad. Mom asks what Dad told him now."
"Off to work, eh, Dad? Yep. It sure is a nice day. The kind of day just made for sitting under a tree and reading a good novel cover to cover, don't you think? Too bad that's a luxury at your age. Well, maybe you can do it when you're 65. I'm sure you'll be that old before you know it. Enjoy your day at work. Dad sure is surly in the mornings. Dad's going off to work. Calvin says it's a nice day to sit under a tree and read a good book. Calvin says it's too bad that's a luxury at Dad's age. He says maybe Dad can do it when he's 65. Calvin is sure Dad will be there before he knows it. He wishes Dad a good day at work. Calvin walks up to Mom and tells her Dad sure is surly in the mornings."
"You know what's weird? I don't remember much of anything until I was three years old. Half of my life is a complete blank! I must've been brainwashed! Good heavens, what kind of sicko would brainwash an infant?! And what did I know that someone wanted me to forget?? Boy, am I mysterious. I seem to recall you spent most of the time burping up. Calvin tells Hobbes he doesn't remember much before he was three years old. He says half his life is a blank. He must have been brainwashed. He wonders what kind of sicko would brainwash an infant. What did he know that someone wanted him to forget? He says he's mysterious. Hobbes says he seems to recall Calvin spent most of the time burping up."
"MOM! There's a big horsefly on the back of your head! Don't move! I'll get it! I'll get it! Is it still there? You didn't move, did you? Get away from me! Calvin tells Mom there is a big horsefly on her head. He tells her not to move. He runs off, goes upstairs, and returns with his plastic dart pistol. He asks if the fly is still there."
"Arr! We're bloodthirsty pirates! Avast, ye scurvy dogs! Hoist the jolly roger and ready the plank! Here. What's this? Our booty! Calvin and Hobbes are in their tree fort. Calvin says they're bloodthirsty pirates. Calvin calls avast, ye scurvy dogs. He tells Hobbes to hoist the Jolly Roger and ready the plank. Hobbes hands Calvin a small knit sock. Calvin asks what that is. Hobbes tells him 'our booty' and starts laughing."
"Hey, Mom, did you know that gravity in outer space works as if space was a soft, flat surface? It's tru. Heavy matter, like planets, sinks into the surface and anything passing by, like light, will 'roll' toward the dip in space made by the planet. Light is actually deflected by gravity! Amazing, huh? And speaking of gravity, I dropped a pitcher of lemonade on the kitchen floor when my roller skates slipped. How can kids know so much and still be so dumb? Calvin asks Mom if she knew gravity in outer space works as if space was a soft, flat surface. He explains that heavy matter, like planets sink into the surface, and anything passing by, like light, will 'roll' toward the dip in space made by the planet. Light is deflected by gravity. Then he adds that he dropped a pitcher of lemonade on the kitchen floor when his roller skates slipped. As Mom mops up the mess, she wonders how kids can know so much, yet be so dumb."
"You know. The world should've been designed so everyone didn't have to eat each other to survive. There should just be fewer people and animals to begin with. And the world certainly could've used a more even distribution of its resources, that's for sure. I wonder why nobody consulted you. Incredible, isn't it? Calvin and Hobbes are riding their wagon down the hill. Calvin thinks the world should have been designed so everyone didn't have to eat each other to survive. There would just be fewer people and animals to begin with. Calvin adds the world could have used a more even distribution of resources. Hobbes wonders why no one consulted Calvin."
"No text Hobbes pitches the baseball to Calvin. It sails over his head, but Hobbes calls him out. Calvin protests. They get in each other's face and kick dirt on each other. They fight until they're exhausted. Calvin decides to try something else. He gets a step ladder, stands on it with his bat, and gets ready for the pitch."
"I performed a scientific experiment today. You know how maps always show north as up and south as down? I wanted to see if that was true or no. What did you find out? Not much. Your compass didn't survive the trip south from the top of the tree. MY compass?! Let me know when you get a new one. My junior scientist book says not to get discouraged by temporary setbacks. Calvin tells Dad he performed a scientific experiment today. He wanted to see if it's true that north is up and south is down, like what maps show. Dad asks what he found out. Calvin tells him not much. Dad's compass didn't survive the trip south from the top of the tree. Calvin walks away telling Dad to let him know when he's replaced it. His junior scientist book told him not to be discouraged by temporary setbacks."
"I've been thinking. You know how boring Dad is? Maybe it's a big phony act! Maybe after he puts us to bed, Dad dons some weird costume and goes out fighting crime! Maybe this whole 'Dad' stuff is his secret identity! Maybe the Mayor calls Dad on a secret hot line whenever the ciy's in trouble! Maybe Dad's a masked superhero! If that's true, he should drive a cooler car. I know. Ours doesn't even have a cassette deck. Calvin tells Hobbes he thinks Dad being boring might be phony. He thinks that after Dad puts them to bed, he puts on a costume and fights crime. Maybe this 'Dad' stuff is a secret identity. Calvin wonders if the mayor calls Dad on a secret phone and that Dad's a superhero. Hobbes says if that's true, Dad should drive a cooler car. Calvin agrees, since their car doesn't even have a cassette deck."
"There's the stegosaurus out front! There's the National History museum. Hooray! I can't wait to see all the dinosaurs! C'mon. Let's hurry! It's certainly been a while since we've been here, hasn't it? At the museum's request, yes. Oh, that's right. Calvin, no biting people this time, remember? RROWRR"
"What kind of dinosaur did you say this was? It's a stegosaurus! He looks pretty ferocious. No, he was a plant eater. The tail spikes were for self-defense. Oh. Did tyrannosaurs fight these? Of course not, Mom! Turannosaurs came millions of years later! Look, try not to embarrass me when we go inside, OK? Why are we going here if he already knows everything? Mom asks Calvin what kind of dinosaur they're in front of. Calvin tells her it's a stegosaurus. Mom says it looks ferocious, but Calvin tells her it was a plant eater. He tells her the tail spikes were for self-defense. Mom then asks if tyrannosaurs fought them. Calvin tells her of course not. Tyrannosaurs came millions of years later. Calvin walks to the building telling her not to embarrass him when they go inside. Dad wonders why they're going in if he knows everything already."
"Look, Hobbes, here's an ancestor of YOURS! A saber-toothed tiger! Ha ha, I'll bet HE was popular! If anyone needed to open a can of juice, they'd just put him over it and hit him on the head! Ha ha! Hee hee, I'll bet they died out because they couldn't understand each other! They pwobabbyy dokked wike diff! Ha ha ha! ... all in all, though, they were undoubtedly the pinnacle of prehistoric evolution. Calvin shows Hobbes a saber-toothed tiger. Calvin makes fun of it by saying anyone needing a can of juice opened would just put him over it and hit his head. Calvin continues by saying they probably died out because they couldn't understand each other. He makes a face and shows his teeth. Hobbes grabs Calvin by the shirt and frowns at him. Calvin quickly points out that all in all, they were the pinnacle of prehistoric evolution."
"Look, Mom. The museum has a gift shop! Can I buy something? They've got dinosaur models, dinosaur T-shirts, dinosaur posters... I don't think you need any more dinosaur stuff, Calvin. But Mom, it's all EDUCATIONAL! You want me to LEARN, don't you?? Boy, she fell for THAT one. I'll say! I wonder if we could get any Batman junk this way. Calvin points out the museum gift shop to Mom. He wants to buy something, a poster, a book, t-shirts, models. Mom says she doesn't think he needs any more dinosaur stuff. Calvin says it's all educational. Doesn't she want him to learn? Calvin, walks with his dinosaur hat, poster, and book. Hobbes says she sure fell for that one. Calvin wonders if he can get any Batman junk that way."
"WUMP! WONNKK... I sh... shouldn't have wa... watched. Hobbes stretches, yawns, arches his back, scratches his ear, curls around, and plops on the floor. He falls asleep. Calvin, reading a book on the sofa near Hobbes starts yawning and says he shouldn't have watched."
"Oh no, you don't! There's only room for one in this pool and I was here first! If YOU want to cool off, you'll just have to jump in the sprinkler. Fine! I'll DO that. ! Doggone it, I didn't mean for you to have FUN! Hobbes comes over to join Calvin in the kiddie pool. Calvin tells him there isn't enough room. He tells Hobbes if he wants to cool off, he'll have to jump in the sprinkler. Hobbes marches off and says he'll do that. Calvin watches him. Calvin darts out of the pool, running toward Hobbes. He yells that he didn't mean for Hobbes to have fun."
"Z Z CRAACKK BOOM What do you think? A thunderstorm, or a space alien ray gun invasion? Whichever, tell me when it's over. Calvin and Hobbes are soundly sleeping. Suddenly, there is a big CRACK! Light fills the room. Then there is a big BOOM! Calvin and Hobbes fly up into the air. They get under the bed. Calvin asks if it's a thunderstorm or a space alien ray gun invasion. Hobbes doesn't care and just wants to know when it's over."
"How's it coming? Slow. This dirt is real hard. Well, that's a pretty good start. But I've been digging all morning! This is going to take forever! Maybe you'll have to settle for a smaller swimming pool. Yeah. This would kill you if you went off the high dive. It's too bad. Mom would've really been surprised to have an olympic pool where her garden used to be. Maybe she'll be surprised anyway. Calvin is digging a hole. Hobbes asks how it's going. Calvin tells him the dirt is pretty hard. Hobbes thinks he's made a good start. Calvin says he's been digging all morning. It's going to take forever. Hobbes suggests Calvin will have to settle for a smaller swimming pool. Calvin agrees, saying you'd be killed diving off the high dive into"
"There! A gull pitcher of 'Calvin's curative elixir'! We'll charge people a buck a glass and get rich! But that's just dirty water from the drainage ditch! There are leaves in it! 'Fortified with chlorophyll', we'll say. Nobody's going to pay to drink that! Anyone can see it's filthy! It's sludge! Hmm... maybe you're right. PiTCHER of PLaGUE. Calvin's DeBiLitatiNG DiSEaSE DRiNK! $1.00 Not TO HaVE aNY Calvin tells Hobbes about 'Calvin's Curative Elixir'. He figures he'll charge people a buck a glass and get rich. Hobbes tells him it's just dirty water from the drainage ditch. There are leaves in it. Calvin thinks they'll say 'Fortified with Chlorophyll'. Hobbes tells him no one will pay to drink that water. Anyone can see it's filthy. He calls it sludge. Calvin says maybe he's right. Calvin sits at a stand with the dirty water in a pitcher on the stand. The sign on the stand reads 'Pitcher of Plague. Calvin's Debilitating Drink! $1.00 not to have any'."
I've decided not to go to school this fall. I don't need an education. I don't need to learn things. I don't need to develop skills. It's too much trouble. How are you going to make it in the world if you don't know anything and you don't have any skills?! I'll go on talk shows and hype myself. Calvin has decided not to go to school in the fall. He figures he doesn't need an education or learn to develop skills. He says it's too much trouble. Hobbes asks how he'll make it in the world without knowledge or skills. Calvin replies that he'll go on talk shows and hype himself.
"Ughh, there are times when I hate owning a house. All the maintenance! The walls need painting, the roof needs to be fixed, the tree out back needs to be sprayed... It seems like the whole place is falling apart. ... and what isn't falling apart is being actively destroyed! Mom is on her knees, newspaper on the floor, getting ready to paint the wall. She complains that there are times she hates owning a house because of the maintenance. Painting walls, fixing roofs, spraying trees, it seems like the place is falling apart. She sees Calvin drilling holes in the other wall, and she gives chase. She adds that what isn't falling apart is being actively destroyed."
"A 30-ton brontosaurus ... is about to face a premature extinction! The allosaurus, fearsome predator of the jurassic, stalks his prey! The herd of brontosaurs is unaware of his presence! Spotting a straggler, the allosaurus lunges! The brontosaurus rears to its full gigantic height! What induces an allosaurus to attack a monster more than twice his own size?! I'm HUNGRY! The hamburgers are cooking, Now get off me! The allosaurus stalks his prey. A herd of brontosaurs is unaware of his presence. The allosaurus lunges at a straggler. The brontosaurus rises to its full height. What induces an allosaurus to attack a monster more than twice his own size? Calvin jumps on Dad's back and yells that he's hungry. Dad is standing at the grill. He says he's cooking the hamburgers and tells Calvin to get off him."
"Calvin the hummingbird zips by with a loud whir! Although small, he puts out tremendous energy. To hover, his wings beat hundreds of times each second! What fuels this incredible metabolism? Concentrated sugar water! He drinks half his weight a day! ... preferably loaded with caffeine. Are you drinking more soda pop?! Calvin the hummingbird, zips by with a whir. Though small, he puts out tremendous energy. Concentrated sugar water fuels his incredible metabolism. He drinks half his weight each day. Calvin says 'Preferably loaded with caffeine' as he gets a soda from the refrigerator."
'"Once upon a time there was...' Hold it. What's the matter? Has this book been a best seller? Has the author won a Pulitzer? Did the New York Times like it? I only want stories that come highly recommended. Are there any laudatory quotes on the dust jacked? Ahem... 'Once upon a time there was a noisy kid who started going to go to bed without a story.' Has this book been made into a movie? Could we be watching this on video? Dad starts reading a bedtime story to Calvin, who stops him. Calvin asks if the book was a best-seller, if the author won a Pulitzer, and if the New York Times liked it. Calvin wants stories that come highly recommended. He asks if there are laudatory comments on the book's dust jacket. Dad starts again. 'Once upon a time, there was a noisy kid who started going to bed without a story'. Calvin asks if that book has been made into a movie and whether they could be watching it on video."
"What are you doing? I'm practicing my sneers. There's nothing like a good sneer to dry up conversation. How's mine look? Awful! Thanks. With this sneer, I hope to be an unbearable burden at any social occasion. That will give you a real head start on beeing a teen-ager. I know! It's like getting seven extra years! Calvin is practicing his sneers. He shows Hobbes and tells him there's nothing like a good sneer to dry up conversation. He asks Hobbes how he looks. Hobbes replies awful. Calvin thanks him and hopes, with the sneer, to be an unbearable burden at any social occasion. Hobbes thinks that will give him a head start on being a teenager. Calvin thinks it's like getting seven extra years."
"WHAP! Too late! I made another home run. (pant pant) I'm quitting if we don't stop using this tennis ball. Calvin hits the ball and leisurely walks the bases. He walks with his hands in his pocket and strolls along. He's on home plate before Hobbes can tag him. He tells Hobbes he's too late. He's gotten another home run. Hobbes, panting, says he's going to quit if they don't stop using a tennis ball."
"AAAGH!! You should be more alert! You wouldn't last two seconds in the jungle. THAT'S WHY I LIVE HERE, YOU DOLT! Calvin is walking along under a tree. Suddenly, Hobbes pounces from the tree onto Calvin. They fight. Hobbes pins him down and tells him he should be more alert. He tells Calvin he wouldn't last two seconds in the jungle. Calvin replies that's why he lives here and calls Hobbes a dolt."
"What are you doing down there, Calvin? Shh, Mom! Go away! Susie's coming down the walk and I'm going to throw some crab apples at her. Oh, no, you're not! Put those down! AWWW, MOM! Don't throw crab apples at ANYone. They're hard and you could really hurt someone. OK, OK. What are you doing there, Calvin? Shh, Susie! Go away! I'm going to throw this squishy old tomato at my Mom. Mom sees Calvin hiding behind a bush and asks what he's doing. He tells her to go away. He's going to throw some crab apples at Susie. Mom tells him no and makes him get rid of the crab apples. She says crab apples are hard and could hurt someone. Susie walks by and sees Calvin behind a bush and asks what he's doing. Calvin tells her to go away. He's going to throw a squishy old tomato at Mom."
"HEADS UP! GISHHH You rotten fleabag! I'll get you! You hear me?! Say your prayers! Ahh, you're all wet! Wee wee! By golly, I'll soak him with the hose! He won't dry out for a month! I've got you now, Hobbes, Ol' Buddy! Heh heh heh! Trying to get another balloon ready, eh? Well, you're too late! Hope you're thirsty, sucker! Hey, what's wrong?! This hose isn't working! Why won't it squirt?! Oh, I had to take this end off the faucet so I could fill my balloon. Uh-oh. Actually, I'm kind of looking forward to going to school next week. Hobbes hides behind a tree and hits Calvin in the head with a water balloon. Calvin threatens to get even, while Hobbes tells Calvin he's all wet. Calvin grabs the hose and runs after Hobbes to give him a soaking. Calvin catches Hobbes filling another water balloon. He tells Hobbes he's too late and hopes Hobbes is thirsty. Calvin squeezes the handle, but nothing happens. He asks why it won't squirt. Hobbes tells him he had to take the other end of the hose off the faucet so he could fill his balloon. He pulls his arm back, and Calvin knows what's coming. Lying soaked on the ground, Calvin says he's kind of looking forward to school next week."
"Mom wants me to make my bed. Come help me, OK? OK. You get some pencils, and I'll get some big paper! I thought we were making the bed. And do all that work?!? No, we're going to invent a robot to make the bed FOR us! Won't inventing a robot be more work than making the bed? It's only work if somebody makes you do it. Calvin tells Hobbes Mom asked him to make his bed. Calvin asks Hobbes to help him. Calvin tells him to get some pencils while he gets paper. Hobbes thought they were going to make his bed. Calvin doesn't want to do all that work. They're going to invent a robot to make the bed for them. Hobbes wonders if that won't be more work than making the bed. Calvin replies it's only work if somebody makes you do it."