"It's too darn hot out here. You could go wading in the creek. This water is too darn cold. You could go sit in the shade then. This shade is too darn dark. You could go sit in your room with the windows shut and the fan and lights on. That's what I was doing when Mom threw me out here. I was kidding. Calvin complains that it's too hot. Hobbes says he could go wading in the creek. Calvin tries that and says the water is too cold. Hobbes says he could go sit in the shade. Calvin tries that and complains that the shade is too dark. Hobbes, frustrated, tells him he could go sit in his room with the windows shut and the fan and lights on. Calvin grumbles that's what he was doing when Mom threw him outside."
"Give me some cookies, or I soak you with this water balloon! Why, you little thug! Don't you threaten your mother! And don't even THINK about throwing that in the house! Out! Out! I'll bet I'd have gotten some cookies if I had filled this with PAINT. Mom is reading on the sofa. Calvin comes in and tells her to give him some cookies or he'll soak her with a water balloon. Mom calls him a little thug and warns him not to threaten his mother. She tells him not to even think about throwing that in the house. She tosses him outside. Dejectedly, Calvin says to Hobbes that he bets he would have gotten some cookies if he had filled the balloon with paint."
"CLICK Uh oh... The sky is a deep orange! Calvin's skin is a pale green! Yellow flowers are now blue! Every color is the opposite of what it should be! Calvin has been transferred to a color film negative! His only hope is to be processed by a 1-hour photo finisher! Dveeloper! I need a developer! Doggone it, Calvin! That's ANOTHER picture ruined! Can't you look pleasant for 1/500th of a second?!"
IT'S JULY ALREADY! OH NO! OH NO! What happened to June?! Summer vacation is slipping through our fingers like grains of sand! It's going too fast! We've got to hoard our freedom and have more fun! Time rushes on! Help! Help! I don't think I want to be here at the end of August. AAUGH! It's a half-hour later than it was half an hour ago! Run! Run! Calvin runs along yelling it's July already. He wonders what happened to June. Summer vacation is slipping through his fingers like grains of sand. He wants to hoard his freedom. Calvin's eyes bulge with worry that time rushes on. Hobbes says he doesn't want to be there at the end of August. Calvin keeps running around yelling it's a half-hour later than it was a half hour ago. Run!
"Mom took me to the library today, Dad. That's nice. Did you get out a book? Yep. It's great! I had no idea books could be so much fun. And you'll learn things, too. I'll say! My book says that this one wasp lays its eggs on a spider, so when the egg hatches, the larva ieats the spider, savings the vital organs for the last, so the spider stays alive while it's being devoured! Gross, huh? Isn't there a street corner where he can hang out instead? And color pictures, too! Want to see 'em? At the dinner table, Calvin tells Dad that Mom took him to the library. He didn't know it was such fun. Dad tells him that he'll learn things, too. Calvin explains that he learned one type wasp lays its egg in a spider so that when the egg hatches, the larva eats the spider, saving the vital organs for last, so the spider stays alive while its being devoured. Mom and Dad get odd look on their faces. Dad wonders if there isn't a street corner he could hang out on instead."
"I'm destined for greatness. I just know it. 'Calvin the Great,' they'll call me. And think how lucky YOU'LL be! You'll get to tell everyone how you knew me as a kid! What a privilege! In fact, all the papers and magazines will probably want to interview you to find out what I'm really like. And boy, will you have to cough up to keep me quiet. And what's THAT supposed to mean?! Calvin tells Hobbes he knows he's destined for greatness. Calvin the Great, they'll call him. He tells Hobbes that he'll get to tell everyone he knew Calvin as a kid. He figures all the papers will want to interview Hobbes to find out what Calvin is really like. Hobbes says Calvin will really have to cough up to keep him quiet. Calvin asks what that's supposed to mean."
"Dad, how does a light bulb work? Magic. Didn't you say that's how the vacuum cleaner works? Right. They're both magic. You just don't KNOW how they work. I'll bet. Fine. Don't believe your own father, who's been around a lot longer than you. Look Mom, magic! That's not magic! Calvin asks Dad how a light bulb works. Dad says magic. Calvin reminds Dad that's how he told Calvin a vacuum cleaner works. Dad says both are magic. Calvin is skeptical. He says he thinks Dad just doesn't know how they work. Dad tells him not to believe him, who's been around a lot longer than Calvin. Calvin turns on the light for Mom and tells her it's magic. She tells Calvin that's not magic."
"When you wish upon a star your dreams come true. I WISH I HAD A COOL MILLION DOLLARS RIGHT NOW! If Jiminy cricket was here, I'd skoosh him. Calvin and Hobbes are outside at night. There is a star in the sky. Calvin tells Hobbes that when you wish upon a star, your dreams come true. Calvin says he wishes he had a cool million dollars right now. Calvin looks around. Unhappily, he walks off saying that if Jiminy Cricket was there, he'd skoosh him."
"WHAP I DID IT! I CAUGHT IT! I'm out. Calvin tosses a ball into the air. He hits it, drops the bat, picks up a glove, and races to catch the ball. He does. Calvin realizes that means he's out."
"Darlinggg, I'm home! And I brought a surprise! Let's hope it's a divorce! Darling, I stopped at the hospital on the way home from work. Don't call me 'Darling,'OK? I brought home our new baby! A BABY?! I don't want a baby! What shall we name him? Our baby is a RABBIT?!? How come we have a rabbit?! He's NOT a rabbit, he's a little boy! We'll call him 'Jeffrey,' OK? He looks like a rabbit to ME. Well, just PRETEND he's a"
"WUM WUM WUM How's it going? Fine. Close the lid. Everything stops when you open it. I wish MY bathtub had an agitator. Calvin is sitting on the washing machine. He opens the lid and asks Hobbes how it's going. Hobbes tells him it's fine. He tells him to close the lid, since everything stops when you lift it. Calvin laments that his bathtub doesn't have an agitator."
"Calvin, will you gather the trash, please? Gather the TRASH?!? What am I, your personal SLAVE?! Why can't YOU do it? Fine, I will. And YOU can start washing your OWN clothes, and fixing your OWN meals, and picking up your OWN toys, and making your OWN bed, and cleaning up your OWN messes, day after day after DAY! Some women just weren't meant to be mothers. Mom asks Calvin to gather the trash. Calvin asks if he's her personal slave. He asks why she can't do it. Mom replies that he can start washing his own clothes, fix his own meals, pick up his own toys, make his own bed, and clean his own messes, day after day after day. Carrying the laundry basket, Calvin says some women just weren't meant to be mothers."
"Whenever I cook an egg, I like to see how high I can crack above the skillet. Then I aim with just one eye open, so I don't have any depth perception. It's pretty hard that way. See, the secret to having fun in life is to make little challenges for yourself. CRIKK Like the challenge of explaining the stove and the floor to your Mom? Rats. Let's see if there's another carton in the fridge, will ya? Calvin tells Hobbes that when he cooks eggs, he likes to see how high he can crack it above the skillet. He aims with one eye, so he has no depth perception. That makes it harder. Calvin says the secret to having fun in life is making little challenges for yourself. Hobbes wonders if he means the challenge of explaining the stove and floor to Mom. Calvin asks Hobbes to see if there's another carton in the fridge."
"What are you writing? I'm telling these companies I intend to boycott from all their products if they don't pull their ads from a TV show I find offensive. By golly, if these companies are going to support objectionable TV programs, I'll take my business elsewhere. Maybe I can scare away the advertising dollars and get the show cancelled. Why don't you just not watch the show? This clean, wholesome television! Ughh, it makes me sick. Hobbes asks Calvin what he's writing. He's writing to companies warning them he'll boycott their products if they don't pull their ads from a TV show he finds offensive. He says if these companies are going to support objectionable TV shows, he'll take his business elsewhere. He tells Hobbes maybe he can scare away the advertising dollars and get the show cancelled. Hobbes asks why he doesn't just not watch the show. Calvin says this clean, wholesome television makes him sick."
"I never liked ice cream cones too much until I discovered a new way to eat them. I bite off the bottom of the cone and suck out the ice cream as it gets soft. You wouldn't believe some of the awful noices you can make, and it gets pretty sloppy when the cone gets soggy and both ends start dripping. In MY book, food should be nutrition AND entertainment. That's why we tigers like our food surprised and running. Calvin tells Hobbes he never liked ice cream cones very much until he discovered a new way to eat them. He bites off the bottom and sucks out the ice cream as it melts. He says you wouldn't believe the awful noises you can make, and it gets sloppy when the cone gets soggy and both ends start dripping. In Calvin's book, food should be nutrition and entertainment. Hobbes says that's why tigers like their food surprised and running."
I'm so smart it's almost scary. I guess I'm a child progeny. Most children are. Huh? Nothing. People think it must be fun to be a super genius. But they don't realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world. Isn't your pants zipper supposed to be in the front?
"FWOOSH Heh heh heh... You're in trouble NOW, Hobbes! Heh heh heh! While you have just ONE water balloon, I have THREE! I'm a walking arsenal of hydro-weaponry! Ha ha! I can see the fear in your eyes! You realize that I can get you three times wetter than you can get me! Throw your balloon, and your utter sogginess is assured! I, on the other hand, can act with impunity! With three balloons, I fear nothing! Catch! HEY! DON'T! MY ARMS ARE FULL! OH NO! SPLOOSH GISSHH SPLASH FWOOSH We super powers have it tough. Maybe you should stock up on brains instead! Calvin is carrying three water balloons, Hobbes has one. Calvin says he's a walking arsenal of hydro-weaponry. Calvin says he sees the fear in Hobbes' eyes. Calvin brags that he can make Hobbes three times wetter than Hobbes can make him. He chides Hobbes to throw his balloon, and his utter sogginess is assured. Calvin can act with impunity, he fears nothing. Hobbes flips his water balloon up into the air and tells Calvin to catch. Calvin tries juggling his balloons and Hobbes'. SPLASH! SPLOOSH! GISSHH! FWOOSH! Calvin, soaking wet, says superpowers have it tough. Hobbes suggests Calvin try stocking up on brains instead."
"Well, there's no delaying the inevitable. Let's get in the car. Where are we going? The same place we go EVERY summer: camping on some desolate rock at the end of the earth. AGAIN? Yep. This is how Dad likes to unwind. With everyone complaining? Right. He likes to watch us suffer. In his bedroom, Calvin tells Hobbes there's no delaying the inevitable. He tells him to get in the car. Hobbes asks where they're going. Calvin tells him the same place they go every summer, camping on some desolate rock at the end of the earth. Calvin says that's how Dad likes to unwind. Hobbes asks 'With everyone complaining'. Calvin says Dad likes to watch them all suffer."
"Look, Dad. There's a town coming up. See the sign? Why don't we pull off, find a nice motel, and just stay THERE for our vacation? We could swim in the pool and have air conditioning and color cable TV and room service! No one would have to know we didn't camp! I wouldn't tell anyone! We could even go to the store, buy a big fish, take your picture with it, and say you caught it! Can't we, Dad? Can't we turn off here? Yes, let's! Now don't YOU start! Driving along the road, Calvin tells Dad there is a town coming up. He suggests they just pull off, find a nice motel, and stay there for their vacation. They could swim in the pool, have air conditioning, cable TV, and room service. No one would have to know they didn't camp. Calvin won't tell. He suggests they can go to the store, buy a big fish, take his picture with it, and say they caught it. He asks Dad if they can. Mom thinks that's a good idea. Dad looks at her and tells her not to start."
"Ta da! We're here! Good ol' itchy island'. Home of the nuclear mosquitoes. Bug bites build character. Yeah, and last year you said diarrhea builds character. So think what a fine young man you're growing up to be. ... if all this character doesn't kill me first. That reminds me, open the duffel bag and get out the spam. If the canoe isn't here in the morning, it means Hobbes and I struck out for home. Dad pulls up the canoe and says they're here. Calvin says it's good ol' 'Itchy Island', home of the nuclear mosquitos. Dad says bug bites build character. Calvin reminds him that last year Dad said diarrhea builds character. Dad wants Calvin to think of what a fine young man he's growing up to be. Calvin agrees, if building all this character doesn't kill him first. Dad asks Calvin to open the duffel bag and get out the Spam. Calvin tells him that if the canoe is gone in the morning, it means Hobbes and he struck out for home."
"Boy, it's great to be here! This is the life! I think I'll jump in for a swim. Want to join me? No, thanks. Aw, c'mon. It'll feel great. Right. That lake couldn't have melted before yesterday. Hey, let's go for a swim. Sure, Dad. I'd love to start the week with a little hypothermia. I think what I like best about vacations is the family togetherness. Dad says it's great to be there. He thinks he'll jump in for a swim. He asks Mom to join him. Mom thinks the lake couldn't have melted before yesterday. Dad asks Calvin to join him. Calvin doesn't want to start the week with a little hypothermia. Dad goes in alone. Swimming on the lake, he comments on the best thing about vacations being the family togetherness."
"Wake up, Calvin. It's 5:30 and you can see the fish jumping. Mmf goway. It's a beautiful morning. The sun's barely up and there's a mist over the water. It's perfectly still. Not a soul anywhere! Don't you want to see this? Leemeelone. I thought you said you wanted to go fishing. You've got to get up early if you want to catch anything. C'mon, the canoe's all ready and I've got your fishing rod. MOM, make Dad go away! Another thing I like about vacations is the sharing of special moments. Dad is outside Calvin's tent telling him to wake up and watch the fish jumping. He says it's a beautiful morning. The sun is barely up, and there is a mist on the water. There isn't a soul anywhere. He tells Calvin he thought Calvin wanted to go fishing. He tells him he has to get up early if he wants to catch anything. The canoe's ready, and the fishing pole is loaded. Calvin yells for Mom to make Dad go away. Fishing alone on the lake, Dad comments that another thing he likes about vacations is the sharing of special moments."
"Well, I guess that's enough gishing for now. Mmm, I can't wait to get back and have breakfast! I can almost smell the coffee from here! What a life! Hey, where IS every... THERE'S GOING TO BE A SMALL MOUTH BASS FLOPPING IN SOME SLEEPING BAGS IN A MINUTE OR TWO! You know, I really like it when you go off to work in the mornings. It's 6:30 already! Are you people going to waste the whole day? Dad decides that's enough fishing for now. He paddles back to camp. He can't wait for breakfast. He can almost smell the coffee from the canoe. He pulls the canoe up and wonders where everyone is. He yells that there will be some smallmouth bass flopping around in some sleeping bags in a minute or two. Mom looks out her tent and says she likes it when Dad goes off to work in the mornings. Dad says it's 6:30 already. He asks if they're going to waste the whole day."
"Ahh... a day at the late! This will be great! I still don't see why we can't just sit in the car with the air conditioner on. I'M GETTING SAND IN MY SUIT! I DON'T WANT TO SIT ON THE BEACH! THIS WATER'S TOO COLD! I'M FREEZING TO DEATH! OUT HERE THERE'S TOO MUCH SUN! I'LL GET SUNBURNED! THIS LOTION MAKES ME GREAY AND MY SHIRT MAKES ME TOO HOT! I DON'T WANT TO SIT IN THE SHADE! THIS IS BORING! I HATE WALKING! MY LEGS ARE TIRED AND THE SAND IS TOO HOT AND THE WATER IS TOO COLD AND THERE'S NO SHADE HERE AND I'VE STILL GOT SAND IN MY SUIT! What? Are we going already? Calvin plays on the beach. He complains that he's getting sand in his suit, and he doesn't want to sit on the beach. In the water, he complains the water is too cold. On the beach again, he complains that there's too much sun, and he'll get sunburned. Dad tries to put tanning lotion on Calvin, but he complains the lotion makes him greasy and the shirt makes him too hot. Under the umbrella, he complains it's boring in the shade. Walking along the beach with Dad, he complains that he hates walking. His legs are tired, the sand is hot, the water's cold, there's no shade, and he still has sand in his suit. Mom and Dad pick up the beach towels and umbrella. Calvin asks if they're going already."
"I'll bet I'm missing some great TV shows. Calvin is sitting on a rock with Hobbes looking at the sun set. There are birds flying, a few clouds in the sky, rock outcroppings and woods all around. Calvin says he bets he's missing some great TV shows."
"Watcha doin', Dad? Painting a picture? Yep. You're giving your harmonica skills a real run for the money. Who asked you? Calvin asks Dad if he's painting a picture. Dad says yes. Calvin looks at the picture, then looks at the scene Dad is painting. Calvin says Dad is giving his harmonica playing skills a real run for the money."
"SNIFF SNIFF Z Hey, what are you doing? Are you awake? Sniff sniff smack smack You're dreaming, stupid. Wake up. Mm! Why yes, thank you, some good fresh fish would hit the spot! Ooh, there's a nice big 'one! AAUGH! I don't care WHAT all your clothes smell like! I'm not washing anything now! Go to bed! Late at night, Hobbes sniffs the air in his and Calvin's tent. He's asleep. Calvin tells him he's dreaming and to wake up. Hobbes licks his lips and says some fresh fish would hit the spot. He says there's a nice big one. Calvin is frightened! He holds the flashlight at Mom's tent while she tells him she doesn't care what his clothes smell like. She's not washing anything now."
"Ooh, these bugs are awful! I itch all over! Don't scratch the bites or you'll just make the itching worse. What am I supposed to do then? It's driving me crazy! Think about something else. Something else?! Like what?? Like maybe stepping out of all that poison ivy. I HATE THIS PLACE!"
"OK, gang, smile! Ack! Don't take a picture of ME! I haven't washed my hair in three days and I'm covered with bug bite! But don't you want something to remember our trip by? I don't want to remember this trip! I've been trying to forget it ever since we got here! When are we leaving this dump? The next time I see one of those smarmy Kodak commercials I'm going to put an ax through the TV. Dad tries to take a picture of Mom and Calvin eating. Mom says no, because she hasn't washed her hair for three days, and she's covered with bug bites. Dad asks if she doesn't want something to remember the trip by. Calvin doesn't want to remember it. He says he's been trying to forget it ever since they got there. He asks when they're leaving this dump. Dad walks away saying the next time he sees one of those smarmy Kodak commercials, he's going to put an ax through the TV."
"This vacation sure went quickly. I can't believe it's time to go home so soon. After being out here, it will sure be a culture shock to go back to civilization, won't it? Man, I can't wait to get in the car and crack up the A/C and some tunes. Shake a leg, huh? Someday I'm going to get my DNA tested and see if he's really my kid. Take my word for it. As they're packing up to leave, Dad comments on how quickly the vacation went. He thinks after being out there, it will be a shock to go back to civilization. Calvin walks by with his sleeping bag and says he can't wait to get into the car, and crank up the A/C and some tunes. He tells Dad to shake a leg. Dad suggests that some day he'll get his DNA tested to see if Calvin really is his kid."