"Oh my gosh!! Somebody broke into our house!! I'll call the police! WHERE'S HOBBES? I can't believe this is happening! Look at this room! HOBBES! Oh, I KNEW we shouldn't have left him here! Mom, I can't find Hobbes! Help me find him! What if... what if they... It's OK, Calvin. Calm down. I'm sure Hobbes is here somewhere. I don't think anyone would steal a suffed tiger. C'mon, let's go look. But Hobbes is so TRUSTING... sniff Dad goes to call the police. Calvin runs for Hobbes. Mom can't believe it's happening. Calvin runs to Mom asking her to help him find Hobbes. Mom calms him down by saying Hobbes is around there somewhere. She doesn't think anyone would steal a stuffed tiger. Calvin sniffs that Hobbes is so trusting."
"The police say they'll send someone over. Have you figured out what all is missing? No, we're looking for Hobbes. Calvin's almost hysterical. I feel a little hysterical myself. Ooh... I hope the police get here quick. I'm scared. This is one of those things you always figure will happen to someone else. ... Unfortunately, we're ALL 'someone else' to someone else. Dad says the police are sending someone over. He asks Mom if she's figured out what's missing. Mom says she's been looking for Hobbes since Calvin's almost hysterical. Dad says he feels hysterical himself. Mom hopes the police arrive soon. She's scared. Dad says that this is one of those things you always figure will happen to someone else. Unfortunately, he says, we're all 'someone else' to someone else."
"Hobbes? Hobbes? Where are you?? I TOLD Mom and Dad we left Hobbes behind... I TRIED to get them to turn around and come back... and NOW look, Hobbes was all alone when our house was broken into! Mom says Hobbes wouldn't have been stolen because he's not valuable. ...(sniff) Well, I think he's valuable. Calvin looks in the closet for Hobbes. As he races through the house, he's saying he told Mom and Dad they left Hobbes behind. He tried to get them to turn around to get him, and now Hobbes was alone when the house was"
"Hobbes? Are you down there? You've got to be SOMEwhere! HERE HE IS, CALVIN! I FOUND HOBBES! You FOUND him! Is he OK?? He's not hurt, is he? He's fine. He was under the bed covers. Hobbes, I'm so glad to see you!! You're safe and sound! (sniff) And now, I am too! It looks like we're a whole family again. Such as it is, yes. Calvin calls into the basement for Hobbes. Mom finds Hobbes in Calvin's bed. Calvin runs upstairs and asks if Hobbes is alright. He hugs Hobbes and says he's so glad to see him. Hobbes is safe and sound, and now Calvin is, too. Mom says that it looks like they're a whole family again."
"... and the television's gone, too. Do you happen to have the serial number? I'll bet the burglars got scared off when they saw there was a tiger in the house! Hobbes was here the whole time! Calvin, not now, OK? I'm busy. Nobody sticks around long when he sees a tiger, that's for sure! Mandibles of death, that's what Hobbes has! Roght. Why don't you go tell your Mom? Maybe Hobbes should look at some mug shots. Can we go to the station and identify suspects? Huh, can we? DEAR! I sure meet some weirdos in this job. Dad tells the police officer the TV was stolen. Calvin comes over and tells the officer he bets the burglars ran off when they saw there was a tiger in the house. Dad tells him he's busy, and not to bother them now. Calvin continues by saying no one sticks around when he sees a tiger. He says Hobbes has mandibles of death. Dad tries to push Calvin to Mom. Calvin keeps talking about Hobbes looking at mug shots and going to the station to look at suspects. The officer thinks that he sure meets the weirdos in this job."
"I've swept up most of the glass from the window. OK, I'll get something to cover up the hole. Do you think it's safe to stay here tonight? Suppose the burglars come back! The police said they'd drive by, and we'll leave lots of lights on. Ugh, its so creepy knowing these goons have been in our house. I don't feel safe at all. I known. And this must REALLY be scary for a little kid like Calvin. Gosh, I can't wait to tell everyone at school how our house got robbed. Be sure to say who scared the burglars away after they took the TV and jewelry. Mom has swept up the glass from the window, Dad goes to get something to cover the hole. Mom asks if it's safe to stay there overnight. What if the burglars come back? Dad says the police said they'd drive by, and they can leave lots of lights on. Mom feels creepy knowing burglars were in the house. She doesn't feel safe. Dad says it must be really scary for a little kid like Calvin. In bed, Calvin tells Hobbes he can't wait to tell everyone at school that their house was robbed. Hobbes tells him to be sure to say who scared the burglars away after they took the TV and jewelry."
"Mild-mannered Calvin is stuck inside doing math problems on a beautiful Sunday. No one is watching! He dashes into his closet! THIS is a job for .... STUPENDOUS MAN! Defender of freedom! Advocate of liberty! A bright crimson streak blasts up through the atmosphere and then turns back toward Earth! Gaining stupendous momentum, STUPENDOUS MAN strikes the ground at an acute angle with stupendous force! The Earth slowly stops rotating... and begins to turn in the opposite direction! Pushing with all his might, STUPENDOUS MAN turns the planet all the way around backwards! The sun sets in the east and rises in the west! Soon it's 10A.M. the previous day! What are you doing outside? Did you finish your homework already? It's Saturday! I don't need to do it until tomorrow... thanks to STUPENDOUS MAN! Mild-mannered Calvin is stuck doing homework on a beautiful Sunday. No one is watching. He dashes into the closet. This is a job for Stupendous Man, defender of freedom, advocate of liberty! A crimson streak blasts through the atmosphere, then heads back toward earth. Stupendous Man strikes the earth at an acute angle, using stupendous force. The earth slowly stops rotating and begins turning in the other direction. Stupendous Man turns the planet all the way around backward. The sun sets in the east and comes up in the west. It's soon 10:00 AM the previous day. Mom asks what Calvin is doing outside. She asks if he finished his schoolwork. Calvin marches along in his Stupendous Man costume, saying it's Saturday. He doesn't need to do it until tomorrow, thanks to Stupendous Man."
"Is Calvin asleep? Yes, he's snuggled up with Hobbes. Boy, I don't know how I'M ever going to sleep. Me neither. I can't get over what's happened. The idea of some crazy stranger going through our house... BRRRR!! I wish I had a big stuffed animal to feel safe with. I guess you'll have to do. So what do I get to snuggle? How come I'M the grown-up??"
"This is going to be a long night. My heart jumps at the slightest sound. It's almost 2, and I'm wide awake. When someone breaks into your home, it shatters your last illusion of security. If you're not safe in your own home, you're not safe anywhere. A man's home is his castle, but it shouldn't have to be a fortress. Dad is sitting up in bed. He thinks it's going to be a long night. His heart jumps at the slightest sound. It's almost 2:00, and he's wide awake. When someone breaks into your home, it shatters your last illusion of security. If you're not safe in your home, you're not safe anywhere. He lays back down and thinks a man's home is his castle, but it shouldn't have to be a fortress."
"Are you still awake too? Mm-hmm. I was thinking. It's funny... when I was a kid, I thought grown-ups never worried about anything. I trusted my parents to take care of everything, and it never occurred to me that they might not know how. I figured that once you grew up, you automatically knew what to do in any given scenario. I don't think I'd have been in such a hurry to reach adulthood if I'd known the whole thing was going to be ad-libbed. Mom asks Dad if he's still awake. Dad is. When he was little, he never thought about grown-ups worrying about anything. He trusted his parents to take care of everything, and it never occurred to him they might not know how. He thought when you were an adult, you automatically knew what to do in a given scenario. He says he wouldn't have been in such a hurry to reach adulthood if he knew the whole thing was going to be ad-libbed."
"Well, at least we weren't in our home when our house was broken into. No one was hurt. We're all together and OK. We lost a few of our nice things, but things don't matter much really. It's hard to believe how often we forget that. Mom thinks that at least they weren't at home when the house was broken into. No one was hurt, and they're all together and OK. They lost a few nice things, but things don't matter much really. As she cuddles up with Dad, she thinks it's hard to believe how often they forget that."
"Can I be excused now? You didn't finish your dinner. Well, I didn't like it very much, and there's this TV show I want to watch, so... Our TV was stolen, remember? Gosh, I guess I'll eat my asparagus, do my homework, and go straight to bed, then. And we're so proud of how you handle adversity. At the dinner table, Calvin asks to be excused. Mom says he didn't finish his dinner. Calvin says he didn't like it very much, and there's a TV show he wants to watch. Mom reminds him the TV was stolen. Calvin is disappointed. He says he'll eat his asparagus, do his homework, then go straight to bed. Mom says they're proud of how he handles adversity."
"This is where our television used to be. But we don't have a TV any more. Now we have a blank wall to watch. So here I am, not being entertained. A pointless existence, huh? I mean, the wall is even plain old WHITE! Calvin shows Hobbes where their TV used to be. Calvin says they don't have a TV to watch, only a blank wall. He complains about not being entertained. Hobbes asks if it's a pointless existence. Calvin says that the wall is even plain old white."
"Dear Mom, How do I love you? Let me count the ways. One... number one... hmm... nummmber one... mm... Hey Mom, wake up! I made you a Mother's Day card! Why, how sweet of you! I did it all by myself. Go ahead and read it! I was going to buy a card with hearts of pink and red, But then I thought I'd rather spend the money on me, instead. It's awfully hard to buy things when one's allowance is so small... Ahem... ... so I guess you're pretty lucky I got you anything at all.' 'Happy Mother's Day to you. There, I said it. Now I'm done. So how 'bout getting out of bed, and cooking breakfast for your son?' I'm deeply moved. Did you notice the part about my allowance? Calvin wakes Mom up to give her a Mother's Day card he made. She sits up and reads it. It reads he could have bought a card with hearts of pink and red, but he thought he'd spend the money on him, instead. It's hard to buy things with such a small allowance, so she's lucky he got her anything at all. Happy Mother's Day, he's said it, now he's done. So how about getting out of bed and cooking breakfast for her son? Mom's deeply moved."
"Good news, Hobbes! I'm starting a secret club, and you can be in it! Oh, boy! It'll be great! We'll think of secret names for ourselves, secret codes for our secret correspondence, a secret handshake,... We'll have a secret club-house with a secret known to get in, and we'll do big secretive things! Why all the secrecy? People pay more attention to you when they think you're up to something. Calvin tells Hobbes he's going to start a new club, and he can be in it. Calvin explains they'll have secret names, secret codes and secret handshake. They'll have a secret clubhouse with a secret knock. Hobbes asks why all the secrecy? Calvin tells him people pay more attention to you when they think you're up to something."
"OK, the first thing we need is a name for our secret club. Let's call it 'The Hobbes Fan Club'! THE HOBBES FAN CLUB?! GIVE ME A BREAK! I'M SURE! This is a top-secret society! The name should be something mysterious! Something vaguely ominous and chilling! Something like 'The Sinister Icy Black Hand of Death Club'! I still like my idea better. Calvin says the first thing they'll need is a name for their secret club. Hobbes suggests 'The Hobbes Fan Club'. Calvin is outraged. He says the name has to be mysterious. Something vaguely ominous and chilling. He suggests 'The Sinister Icy Black Hand of Death Club'. Hobbes likes his idea better."
"I got it! We'll call our club G.R.O.S.S. - Get Rid Of Slimy girlS! That way, Susie Derkins can't join! Is she slimy? ALL girls are slimy. Now the first order of business is to elect officers. I get to be president! I get to be president! Oh, no you don't! This whole club was my idea, so I get to be president. OK, then I get to be king and tyrant. Hey, no! THAT'S what I want to be! You can be President. Calvin decides the club name should be Get Rid Of Slimy girlS, or G.R.O.S.S. The first order of business is to elect officers. Hobbes wants to be president. Calvin says no, because the whole idea of the club was his. So he gets to be president. Hobbes says then he wants to be king and tyrant. Calvin changes his mind and says that's what he wants to be. Hobbes can be president."
"Hi, Calvin! What are you doing, making paper hats? Can I make one, too? Don't be ridiculous. This is the official chapeau of our top-secret club, G.R.O.S.S. - Get Rid Of Slimy girlS! 'Slimy girls'?! I know that's redundant, but otherwise it doesn't spell anything. Now go away. GIRLS AREN'T SLIMY! Don't get gunk on me. I took bath last Saturday and I'm all clean. Calvin and Hobbes are wearing paper hats. Susie Derkins comes along and asks if she can make one, too. Calvin tells her these are the official hats of the G.R.O.S.S. club. Susie asks about the 'slimy girls' part. Calvin says he knows it's redundant, but otherwise it didn't spell anything. Susie yells that girls aren't slimy. Calvin tells her not to get gunk on him. He took a bath last Saturday, and he's all clean."
"I can't believe you started a secret club just to exclude girls! There's nothing wrong with girls! See, Hobbes? Girls are so emotional. You're the meanest, most rotten little kid I know! Well, fine! Play with your stuffed tiger! See what I care! I don't want to play with a stinker like you anyway!! Wow, what a great club! Susie can't believe he started a secret club to exclude girls. She tells Calvin he's the meanest, most rotten little kid she knows. She tells him to play with his stuffed tiger. She doesn't want to play with a stinker like him, anyway. Susie walks away. Calvin tells Hobbes this is a great club."
"OK, we've got a sign for our secret club, so now we need to find a secret meeting place. I know! We can set up a card table in the garage! That would be perfect for drawing up maps and stuff! Hmm, there's not much room with the car here. Let's push it into the drive. Shouldn't you ask your Mom to move it instead? Nahh. She won't care if we push it out. C'mon. In the past, you've been a remarkably poor judge of what your Mom cares about. Calvin and Hobbes finish their club's sign. Now they need to find a secret meeting place. Calvin wants to set up a card table in the garage. He says it would be perfect for drawing maps and stuff. The car is parked in the garage, which leaves little room. Calvin decides to push the car out of the garage. Hobbes asks if he shouldn't ask his Mom first. Calvin says she won't care if they push it out. Hobbes reminds him in the past, he's been a remarkably poor judge of what his Mom cares about."
"BLIPP SPLOPP BLOOP BLIPP Let's face it, we're aesthetes. Here comes Susie. Just ignore her. Hi, Calvin. Can I play with you and your tiger? Hobbes and I are NOT playing. We're doing big important things, and we don't need to mess them up. It doesn't look to ME like you're doing anything important. Well we are, so go"
"Help me push the car out of the garage. I can't budge it myself. I still think you should ask your Mom to move it. Then she'd probably say no, and we won't have the garage for our clubhouse! But if you DON'T ask her, we'll get in trouble. We won't get in trouble! Every time you say that, we go. Mom wouldn't care about these things if she wouldn't keep finding out about them. Calvin asks Hobbes to help him push the car out of the garage. Hobbes still thinks Calvin should ask Mom. Calvin says she'd probably say no, then they wouldn't have the garage for their clubhouse. Hobbes replies if they don't ask her, they'll get in trouble. Calvin says they won't get in trouble. Hobbes says every time he says that, they do. Calvin figures Mom wouldn't care about these things if she didn't keep finding out about them."
"Look, stop being such a baby and help me push the car into the driveway. We'll move it 10 feet. What could possibly go wrong?! Whenever you ask that, my tail gets all bushy. Oh, knock it off. Mom will be glad we did this ourselves and didn't bother her. Well, she DOES hate to be bothered. Right. Now push! Push! Hey, the car's not stopping! STOP! STOP! I think you're Mom's going to be bothered. Calvin tells Hobbes to quit being such a baby. They'll move the car ten feet. What could go wrong? Hobbes says every time he says that, his tail gets bushy. Calvin says Mom will be glad they did it themselves and didn't bother her. They start pushing the car, and it keeps rolling. Calvin says the car isn't stopping. He chases after it. Hobbes says he thinks Mom is going to be bothered."
"STOP THE CAR! IT'S STILL ROLLING! The driveway must be slanted downhill! It's going faster! WHOA! WHOA! Jump in and pull the emergency brake! I can't catch the door! Oh, no! Oh, no! It's going to go into the road! Don't follow it! LOOK OUT! WILD CAR!! Calvin and Hobbes are running after the car. Hobbes says the driveway must be slanted downhill. The car is going faster. Hobbes tells Calvin to jump in and pull the emergency brake. Calvin can't catch the door. Hobbes grabs Calvin as the car goes into the road. Calvin yells for people to watch out for the wild car."
"I haven't seen Calvin for about 15 minutes now. That probably means he's getting in trouble. Mom is sitting reading the paper. She says she hasn't seen Calvin for 15 minutes. She's sitting with her back to the window. The car rolls past the window. Then, Calvin and Hobbes run past the window. Mom says that probably means he's getting into trouble."
"The car is rolling into the road!! What if someone hits it?!? LOOK OUT! LOOK OUT! THERE'S NO ONE DRIVING!! THERE IT GOES!! I can't watch! GRUNTCH Nobody hit it! It just went into the ravine across the street! Hooray, we're dead. Calvin and Hobbes stand shocked. The car rolls out into the road. They cover their eyes and can't watch. GRUNTCH! Hobbes says nobody hit it. It went into the ravine across the street. Calvin says 'Hooray, we're dead'."
"Oh man, oh man, oh man. Oh man. What do you suppose a car like this costs? I'll bet at LEAST $75. Oh MAN. Calvin and Hobbes run across the street to see the car. It's sitting nose up in a ditch with half the car poking up. Hobbes asks what Calvin thinks a car like that costs. He bets at least $75. Calvin can only say 'Oh man'."
"Did you watch any television yesterday? No. Gosh, what was yesterday like? I think life should be more like TV. I think all of life's problems should be solved in 30 minutes with simple homilies, don't you? I think weight and oral hygiene ought to be our biggest concerns. I think we should all have powerful, high-paying jobs, and everyone should drive fancy sports cars. All our desires should be instantly gratified. Women should always wear tight clothes, and men should carry powerful handguns. Life overall should be more glamorous, thrillpacked, and filled with applause, don't you think? I think MY life is too featherbrained already. Of course, if life was really like that, what would we watch on TV? Calvin and Hobbes are racing down the hill in their wagon. Calvin thinks life should be more like TV. All of like's problems should be resolved in 30 minutes with simple homilies. Weight and oral hygiene should be their biggest concerns. We should all have high-paying jobs and drive fancy sports cars. Women should always wear tight clothes, and men should always carry handguns. Life should be more glamorous and thrill-packed. He says this as they fly out of the wagon, which has gone off the edge of the hill. Hobbes says his life is too featherbrained already. Calvin wonders what they would watch on TV if like really was like that."
"My life is flashing becore my eyes. Yeah, I doubt your parents figured you'd wreck their car before you were 16. Calvin and Hobbes are standing by the car, which is sticking up from the shallow ravine. Calvin says his life is flashing before his eyes. Hobbes doubts Calvin's parents figured he'd wreck their car before he was 16."
"What are we going to do?? We'll never get the car out of the raving. Should we act surprised, like the car just rolled here by itself? Maybe Mom and Dad would fall for that. Or maybe they won't even notice if we just don't say anything. You think? I can be packed in five minutes. OK, I'll try to get the maps out of the glove compartment. Calvin wonders what they'll do. They can't get the car out of the ravine. Calvin wonders if they should act like the car rolled by itself. He thinks Mom and Dad might fall for that. Calvin thinks they may not notice, if they don't say anything. Hobbes says he can be packed in five minutes. Calvin says he'll try to get the maps out of the glove compartment."