"Hey Calvin! Are we near a slaughterhouse, or did you forget your deodorant?! Drop dead Susie! You're so ugly, I hear your mom puts a bag over your head before she kisses you goodnight!! It's shameless the way we flirt. What's it like to fall in love? Well ... say the object of your affection walks by ... yeah? First your heart falls into your stomach and splashes your innards. All the moisture makes you sweat profusely. This condensation shorts the circuits to your brain, and you get all woozy. When your brain burns out altogether, your mouth disengages and you bable like a cretin until she leaves. That's love?!? Medically speaking. Heck, that happened to me once, but I figured it was cooties!! Calvin asks Hobbes what it's like to be in love. Hobbes describes your heart falling into your stomach, you sweat and get woozy and that you babble like a cretin until she leaves. Calvin is surprised that is what love is. He felt that way once, but thought it was cooties."
"Hey, Calvin, it's gonna cost you 50 cents to be my friend today. And what if I don't want to be your friend today? Then the janitor scrapes you off the wall with a spatula. Heck. What's a little extortion among friends? Moe informs Calvin it will cost fifty cents to be his friend today. Calvin wonders what happens if he doesn't want to be Moe's friend today. Moe tells Calvin he'll be scraped off the wall with a spatula. Calvin wonders what's a little extortion among friends."
"I got the new album by Scrambled Debutante. All their songs glorify depraved violence, mindless sex, and the deliberate abuse of dangerous drugs. Your Mom's going to go into conniptions when she sees this lying around. Well I sure didn't buy it for the music ... Calvin tells Hobbes he got the new record from Scrambled Debutante. He shows Hobbes the lyric sheet and tells Hobbes the songs glorify violence, mindless sex, and deliberate use of dangerous drugs. Hobbes is sure Mom will have conniptions if she sees the lyrics lying around. Calvin says he sure didn't buy the record for the music, as he throws the album into the trash can."
"Mom, will you drive me into town? Why should I drive you Calvin? It's a perfect day outside! What do you think people have feet for? To work the gas pedal. Calvin asks Mom if she will drive him to town. Mom wonders why she should drive him. She states that it's a perfect day and asks what he thinks feet are for. Calvin replies that feet are for working the gas pedal."
"Calvin, you're not paying attention again! Spaceman Spiff, conqueror of the cosmos, is trapped by a hideous Zondarg! With lightining speed, Spiff bolts for the air lock, making a daring escape! Nice try Calvin. Miss Wormwood tells Calvin he's not paying attention again. Spaceman Spiff is trapped. He dives for the air lock. Miss Wormwood grabs his shirt as he's hanging out the school window. She tells him, 'Nice try, Calvin'."
"I'm home! Did you feed Hobbes today Mom? No dear, it must have slipped my mind. Thanks Mom. You wanna just douse me in steak sauce before I go to my room? Calvin returns from school and tells Mom he's home. He asks Mom if she fed Hobbes today. Mom rolls her eyes and says it must have slipped her mind. Calvin tells her she should just douse him with steak sauce before he goes into his room."
"Mommmm! I'm thirsty! What's this? Just water? In the middle of the night, Mom and Dad awake to Calvin yelling for Mom. He yells that he's thirsty. Mom dutifully stumbles off to take care of things. She gives Calvin a cup, to which he questions if this is just water."
"Hey Mom, can I drive now? No. How about now? Oh no! oh you stupid car! What's wrong with you now?!? That's it Mom! Go ahead and swear! We don't mind! Calvin, be quiet! Want Hobbes and me to go get help? You stay where you are. I'll look under the hood. Kick the car Mom! It works on the TV! Look at all these cars going by. Nobody's stopping to help. Let's blow the horn! Maybe someone will come. Beeeep! Hoorayy!! Someone stopped! We're heroes!! Want me to call a tow truck lady? First call the police and report an infanticide. As Mom is driving Calvin home, the car breaks down. Mom starts yelling at the car, and Calvin encourages her to go ahead and swear. Mom gets out of the car to look under the hood. Calvin suggests she kick the car, because that works on TV. Calvin notices all the cars going by on the road and worries no one will stop. Hobbes suggests they honk the horn. They do, as Mom holds her ears in pain. Calvin and Hobbes cheer as someone stops. The man asks whether Mom wants a tow truck. Mom replies that he should call the police and report an infanticide."
"I need help on my homework. What's a pronoun? A noun that lost its amateur status. Maybe I can get a point for originality. Calvin asks Hobbes for some homework assistance. He asks what a pronoun is. Hobbes states it's a noun that lost its amateur status. Calvin isn't so sure, but figures he might get a point for originality."
"Leave your tiger in the car Calvin. Can't Hobbes come along Dad? He won't eat anybody! No Calvin. Lets go. Well, at least let me open the window and give him some air. See if he'll leave the keys too, so I can listen to the radio. Dad lets Calvin out of the car, but tells Calvin to leave Hobbes inside. Calvin tries to convince Dad to let Hobbes come, but Dad says no. Calvin asks for the window to be left open to give Hobbes some air. As they walk off, Hobbes asks Calvin to see if Dad will leave the keys so Hobbes can listen to the radio."
"Calvin, your mother and I have decided to give you an allowance. It's important that one learns the value of money. Money! Ha ha ha! I'm rich! I'm rich! I can buy off anyone! The world is mine! Power! Friends! Prestige! I blew it again dear! Dad informs Calvin that he and Mom have decided Calvin should have an allowance. With that, he will learn the value of money. Calvin hunches over, rubs his hands together, and rants that he's rich, can buy off anyone, and that the world is his. As Calvin continues to rant about power, prestige, and being free, Dad yells to Mom that he blew it again."
"When I grow up, I want to be a radical terrorist. Mm hmm ... I'm going to inhale this can of pesticide. Mm hmm ... I'm going to watch TV all night. That's what you think buster! You can never tell if they're listening or not. Calvin says he wants to be a radical terrorist when he grows up, Mom just mumbles. Calvin then says he's going to inhale a can of pesticide, Mom just mumbles. Calvin says he's going to watch TV all night, Mom replies 'That's what you think, Buster!' Calvin notes that you can never tell if they're listening or not."
"Here's a good movie! 'Vampire Sorority Babes!' It says you have to be eighteen to get in. Heck, that's no problem! Let's go! This is a new one. Two please ... I mean one. Calvin notices a movie in the paper, 'Vampire Sorority Babes'. Hobbes points out that you need to be eighteen to enter. Calvin indicates that's no problem. The cashier at the theatre notes this is a new one as Calvin, with Hobbes on his head wearing a long coat, orders two....he means one ticket."
"I think it's time we had a new Dad around here. When does your term of office expire? Sorry Calvin, I was appointed Dad for life. For life?! What about a recall vote? What about impeachment? There are no provisions for either. Did you write this constitution yourself or what? Well, your mom helped some too. Calvin thinks it's time to have a new Dad. He asks when Dad's term runs out. Dad informs Calvin that he's been appointed for life. Calvin laments about a recall vote or an impeachment. Dad says there are no provisions for either one. Calvin asks if Dad wrote that constitution himself. Dad adds that Mom helped with it, also."
"Aachoo! Gesundheit! Okay! How many monsters are under my bed tonight? Just one. That's good Hobbes! We outnumber him! Hee hee! Wanna get him? Yeah! See if you can reach the baseball bat! Heh heh! Quit shoving you hogs! Mommmmm! Nice going Maurice. Calvin asks how many monsters there are under his bed. Only one replies. Calvin and Hobbes decide they outnumber the monster and can get him with a baseball bat. As they grab the bat, the voice under the bed tells the others to quit shoving. Calvin and Hobbes yell for Mom as the monster mutters thanks to Maurice, for ruining things."
"You're gonna taste asphalt fifth period Twinky. Just so you know. Great. I'm dead. Fifth period 'Studies in contemporary state-sponsored terrorism.' Also known as gym class. Moe threatens Calvin with tasting asphalt in fifth period. Calvin calls fifth period 'Studies in Contemporary StateSponsored Terrorism'...also known as gym class."
"I can't get a baby sitter anywhere! What should we do? We won't be gone long couldn't Calvin be left for a couple of hours unsupervised? Ha ha ha ha! Ho ho ho hoo hoo har ha ho. Seriously what should we do? Mom hangs up the phone and says she can't find a baby-sitter anywhere. Dad suggests that since they will only be gone a couple hours, they can leave Calvin unsupervised. They both break out laughing. As both of them wipe tears of laughter away, they ask seriously, what they should do."
"Okay Calvin. We'll be back in a couple of hours. You and Hobbes just watch TV and be good okay? Did you hear that? We get to watch TV!! Horray! Videorama? I'd like to rent a VCR and some movies! Ask if they have 'Attach of the Coed Cannibals.' Mom tells Calvin they'll be out a couple hours and to be good and watch TV. Calvin and Hobbes rejoice at the news and head to the telephone to call Videorama to rent a VCR and some movies. Hobbes wants Calvin to ask for 'Attack of the Coed Cannibals'."
"Well, the house is still standing. Calvin must have gone to bed. His light is still on. Calvin? Are you awake? Eep! Did you watch a scary movie?!? No, don't come in. the rug is rigged too. Mom and Dad come home and note the house is still standing. They figure Calvin has gone to bed. Since his light is still on, Mom enters the bedroom. A bucket of water falls down on her head. She wants to know if Calvin watched a scary movie. Huddled under his covers, he says no. But he adds that Mom shouldn't come in because the rug is rigged, also."
"Whap! Smash. Tinkle. Ding. Shatter. Clink. Wow. First try! Calvin, with bat on shoulder, throws a baseball into the air. He takes a big swing at it and hits the ball. SMASH! Glass shatters. Calvin happily notes that it was only his first try."
Downtown tokyo! Aarrghhgh! Godzilla. Calvin is in the sandbox happily making a sand city. He declares it downtown Tokyo. He yells and stomps through the sand city. He declares it Godzilla.
"How can I get some money? Short of earning it I mean. I want a gernade launcher mom. When's Christmas? Not for a long time. When's my birthday? Not for a long time. When's my allowance? You spent it already. Do I have any stocks I can cash? War bonds?? Calvin, I'm trying to work! Can I borrow some soap? Yes, you can borrow some soap. Have all the soap you want. Calvin wants a grenade launcher. He wonders when Christmas is. How about his birthday? Both too far away. He asks about his allowance, which he's already spent. He wonders if he has any stocks or war bonds he could sell. Mom yells that she's trying to work. Calvin asks if he can have some soap. Mom tells him to take all he wants. Calvin then sits at a table set up next to the family car which is marked, with soap on the windshield, '4 Sale Cheep'."
"Boy, is it cold! You should get a good fur coat like mine. Woof! What did you eat for breakfast? Cement? Look, was this my idea? Calvin is complaining that it's cold outside in the snow. Hobbes tells him he should get a good fur coat like he has. Calvin looks at Hobbes, then puts Hobbes over his shoulder. Calvin wonders if Hobbes ate cement for breakfast as Hobbes reminds Calvin that this wasn't his idea."
"Oh no, I lost my quarter! Where did you lose it? It's somewhere in this field. We'll never find it. You'll have to wait till the snow melts. Till the snow melts? It's 25 cents!! Calvin drops a quarter into the snow. He tries to find it, but Hobbes tells him he'll have to wait until the snow melts. Calvin won't have any of that, so he gets hold of a hair dryer and goes to work on the snow."
Wanna see something weird? Watch. You put bread in this slot and push down this lever ... then in a few minutes toast pops up! Wow. Where does the bread go? Beats me. Isn't that weird? Calvin wants to show Hobbes something weird. He puts a slice of bread in the toaster and pushes the lever. The toast pops up. Hobbes wonders what happened to the bread. That's the weird thing Calvin wanted to show.
"Who are you today? Fine. I want the top of my head shaved, and the sides dyed pink and cut in horizontal stripes, ok? Ma'am? Give him the usual Pete. Well I guess this guy knows which side his bread is buttered on! Calvin sits in the barber's chair for a haircut. Calvin orders the top shaved, the sides dyed pink and cut in horizontal stripes. Mom tells the barber to give Calvin the usual. Calvin comments the barber knows which side his bread is buttered on."
"There, how's that look? That's great. Perfect. Without question, this is the finest haircut I have ever received. Never criticize a guy with a razor ... Finished, the barber gives Calvin a mirror and asks what he thinks. Calvin gushes about how great the haircut looks and is probably the best he's ever received. Calvin knows better than to criticize a guy with a razor."
"Too bad the world will be ending soon. Beg your pardon? Halley's comet. Comets are harbingers of doom. No they aren't. that's just superstition. Really?? Guess I'd better write that book report. Calvin comments that it's too bad the world is ending soon. Hobbes asks for clarification. Calvin tells him comets are harbingers of doom, and that Halley's Comet spells the end. Hobbes informs him that is only a superstition. Calvin realizes he better write his book report."
"Ready? Let me check what the deductible is on my insurance policy ... Munch munch. Would you care for a soft drink? Ok. H-H-here y-you a-a-are! Any desert? No, thanks. We'll be landing shortly. The captain has turned off the seat belt sign. Thank you for choosing Calvin's flight 240 non-stop to Stoney Gulch. Next time I won't take the dinner flight. Hobbes is eating as Calvin and he come down the hill in the wagon. Calvin offers a beverage, which then spills out of the can. Hobbes is asked if he wants dessert as items fly out of the wagon. Calvin tells him they'll be landing soon as they fly off the edge of the hill. Crashed below, Calvin declares that the seat belt light is off and thanks Hobbes for taking Flight 240, non-stop to Stoney Gulch. Hobbes reminds himself not to take the dinner flight next time."
"Do you love me dad? Of course I do Calvin. Would you still love me if I did something bad? Well of course I would. I mean something really really ... Calvin, what did you do?! Calvin comes to Dad looking for reassurance that he's loved. Dad tells him yes. Calvin wonders if that would be true if he did something bad, something really, really bad. Suspicious, Dad wants to know what Calvin has done."