Calvin & Hobbes

"Hello? Hi, Dad! It's me, Calvin. Will you tell me a story? Calvin, I'm at work! I don't have time to tell you a story now. I'm very busy! Get off the phone. I'm expecting important calls. OK, Dad. I'll just stay here quietly growing up at an unbelievable rate, never spending much special time with my own Dad who's always working. Right, right. This is the story of the hydraulic pump (Fig. 1), the wheel shaft flange (Fig. 2), and the evil patent infringement. I want a GOOD story. Calvin calls Dad at work to ask him to tell a story. Dad tells Calvin he's busy and doesn't have time to read a story. He says he's expecting several calls and to get off the phone. Calvin tells him he'll stay there growing at an unbelievable rate, never spending much special time with his Dad, who's always working. Dad starts reading a story about a hydraulic pump, the wheel shaft flange, and the evil patent infringement. Calvin says he wants a good story."

"Who is this mysterious masked man?? KAPWINGG! And why has he never been photographed together with handsome, 6-year-old millionaire playboy Calvin? A solitary caped figure runs across the moonlit building top! A crimson bolt blasts across the night sky, striking fear into the hearts of all evildoers! Yes, it's STUPENDOUS MAN, champion of liberty, defender of free will! Some diabolical fiend threatens to establish a"

"Spiff's spacecraft is immobilized! The navigatron has shorted out! A zillion miles from any planet, our hero must climb out and fix it himself in zero gravity! Upside down, Spiff clings tightly to his spaceship! One slip will send him hurling into the horrors of the infinite beyond! GO... TO... SCHOOL! NO! Spaceman Spiff's spacecraft is immobilized. Our hero must climb out and fix it in zero gravity. Upside down, Spiff clings to the spaceship. One slip will send him hurling into the horrors of the infinite beyond. Calvin is hanging upside down, holding onto both sides of the doorway while Mom tries to push him out the door to go to school."

"I don't understand how Santa runs his operation. How can he afford to give toys away? How does he pay for the raw materials he uses to make the toys? How does he pay his elves? There's no income to cover his costs. How does he do it? Deficit spending, I guess. Sure, but sooner or later it's going to catch up to him, and then where will I be?! Calvin can't figure out how Santa runs his operation. He asks how Santa can give toys away. He asks Hobbes how Santa buys raw materials for the toys and how he pays the elves. There's no income to cover the costs. How does he do it? Hobbes suggests deficit spending. Calvin agrees, but wonders where he'll be when it all catches up to Santa."

"Dear Santa, Hi, it's me, Calvin. This year I've been extra good, so PBTBT!! MMF MMF EEP! Perhaps you need a drink of water. I think I do. Calvin is writing to Santa. He writes that this year he's been extra good. Hobbes, looking over Calvin's shoulder, starts laughing and holds his paws over his mouth. He turns away, continuing to fight the laughter. Calvin looks at him with squinted eyes and a frown. He suggests perhaps Hobbes needs a drink of water. Laughing, Hobbes agrees and leaves."

"Want to read my letter to Santa? All THAT?! I hope I didn't forget to ask for something I want. This is alphabetized. Yeah, and I cross-indexed the accessory items he'll need to get. I try to help him out. This says 'Volume One'. 'Atom Bomb' through 'Grenade Launcher'. You're going to be one sad little kid on Christmas morning. Calvin brings a bunch of paper to Mom and asks if she wants to read his letter to Santa. He hopes he didn't forget to ask for something he wants. Mom notices the list is alphabetized. Calvin says he cross-indexed the accessory items Santa will need to get. Mom says the papers say 'Volume One'. Calvin tells her it's 'atom bomb' through 'grenade launcher'. Mom says he's going to be one sad little kid on Christmas morning."

"It snowed last night! Turn on the radio! Maybe they closed school! Maybe the school buses all froze up! Maybe the principal can't get out of his driveway! Get dressed, Calvin. It only snowed an inch. Getting an inch of snow is like winning 10 cents in the lottery. Calvin looks out the window and sees it snowed. He asks Mom to turn on the radio to see if they closed school. He hopes the buses froze up and the principal can't get out of his driveway. Mom tells him to get dressed. It only snowed an inch. As Calvin walks to the bus, he says getting an inch of snow is like winning ten cents in the lottery."

"A lone knight charges up the hill towards the giant cave at the top. Immediately the monstrous dragon lunges out and spews a raging fireball! The knight is fried to a crunchy crips... his armor fused into a solid piece! The dragon cricles overhead, daring other fools to come after him! Did you brush your teeth? Come here and see!" "A lone knight charges up the hill toward the giant cave at the top. The monstrous dragon lunges out and spews a fireball. The knight is fried to a crisp. The dragon circles overhead, daring other fools to come after him. Calvin is in bed with a nasty grin. Mom asks if he brushed his teeth. Calvin tells he to come and see."

"Here we are at the top of 'Dismemberment Gorge'. Ready to go down? How about if I steer this time? Get on, you big sissy. I've been good all day so far. Christmas is getting near, huh? You got it. I've been wondering, though. Is it truly being good if the only reason I behave well is so I can get more loot at Christmas? I mean, really, all I'm doing is saying I can be bribed. Is that good enough, or do I have to be good in my heart and spirit? In other words, do I really have to BE good or do I have to ACT good? I suppose in YOUR case, Santa will have to take what he can get. OK... so exactly how good do you think I have to act? REALLY good, or just PRETTY good? Calvin and Hobbes are sledding down the hill. Calvin says he's been good all day so far. Hobbes asks if Christmas is getting near. Calvin wonders if it's truly being good if the only reason he behaves is to get more loot at Christmas. All he's doing is saying he can be bribed. He wonders if that's good enough, or does he need to be good in heart and spirit. As they crash into a tree and go flying, Calvin asks if he really has to be good or does he just have to act good. Hobbes, covered in snow, says in Calvin's case, Santa will have to take what he can get."

"I'm gonna pound you in gym class, shrimp. Get your kicks now, you glandular freak, because once you grow up you can't go beating people up for no reason. Yeah, I guess you're right. That really wasn't what I meant at all. Moe tells Calvin he's going to pound him in gym class. As Moe walks away, Calvin tells him to get his kicks now. He calls him a glandular freak. He says once Moe grows up, he won't be able to beat people up for no reason. Moe comes back, rolling up his sleeve, saying Calvin is right. Calvin, stuffed halfway through his locker door, says that wasn't what he meant at all."

"What grade did you get? I got an 'A'. Really? Boy, I'd hate to be you. I got a 'C'. Why on earth would you rather get a 'C' than an 'A'?! I find my life is a lot easier the lower I keep everyone's expectations. Calvin asks Susie what grade she got. She happily replies an 'A'. Calvin says he'd hate to be her. He got a 'C'. Susie asks why on earth would he rather get a 'C' than an 'A'. Calvin tells her he finds his life is a lot easier the lower he keeps everyone's expectations."

Why do I have to wear these dorky clothes and get my hair combed?! Your Dad's going to take your picture. Hold still. I don't WANT to get my picture taken! It will just a few minutes. We're going to put the pictur eof you in our Christmas cards so everyone can see what you look like now. What a dumb idea. Why are we doing that? So we won't have relatives dropping by to visit. DEAR... Calvin is getting dressed. He asks if he has to wear the dorky clothes and get his hair combed. Mom tells him that Dad is going to take his picture. They're going to put a picture of Calvin in their Christmas cards so everyone can see what he looks like now. Calvin replies that's a dumb idea. He wonders why they're doing that. Dad says it's so they won't have relatives dropping by to visit.

"Ready? OK, give me a nice smile. That's good. One... two... three! CLICK My hair's getting messed up, Dad! Dad aims the camera. He asks Calvin for a nice smile. Dad starts the count. Calvin is sitting nicely with a pleasant smile on his face. When the count reaches three, Calvin makes a weird face. CLICK! Dad chases Calvin. Calvin tells Dad that his hair is getting messed up."

"I don't have much film left, so stop making faces when I take the picture, or your name's mud. You could've been done 20 minutes ago if you'd just cooperated. Now give me a smile and hold it for two seconds. CLICK CALVIN! THAT WAS A SMILE! I SMILED! Calvin is sitting on the stool again. Dad tells him he doesn't have much film left. He tells him to quit making faces. He says he would have been done 20 minutes ago if Calvin had cooperated. He tells Calvin to give him a smile and hold it. Calvin partly closes his eyes and opens his mouth strangely. CLICK! Dad yells. Calvin claims that was a smile."

"We can't send these in our Christmas cards. People will think it's sacrilegeous. Well, these DO look like Calvin... except for the combed hair."

"Ahh... the perfect slushball! Hard enough to sting, yet sloppy enough to dribble down the collar and soak the undergarments. Here comes Susie. Now's my chance to hit her with the slushball! I see you! You'd better not throw that! Santa Claus is watching you right now! ZINGG FWISSHHH! WHAP! Oh yes! YES! It was worth it! What a shot! I'm not sorry! Oh, it was beautiful! I'd do it again in a minute! Ha ha! Santa's gonna skip this block for years. Calvin has a slushball. He sees Susie coming and says this is his chance. Susie sees him cocking his arm. She tells him he'd better not throw the slushball. Santa Claus is watching him right now. Calvin stops, and he thinks. Finally, he lets loose the slushball. WHAP! Calvin rejoices. He says it was worth it. He's not sorry. It was beautiful, and he'd do it again in a minute. He laughs. Suddenly, he sees Susie coming after him. He runs. Calvin, now buried in snow, says Santa's going to skip this block for years."

Do you think monsters are under the bed tonight? I don't know. How can you tell without looking? One way is to tell a story about a little kid getting mauled and eaten alive. How does THAT tell you of you have monsters? Sometimes they laugh. Calvin asks Hobbes if he thinks there are any monsters under the bed tonight. Hobbes doesn't know. He wonders how you can tell without looking. Calvin says one way is to tell a story about a little kid getting mauled and eaten alive. Hobbes asks how that tells you if you have monsters. Calvin replies that sometimes they laugh.

"I'm freezing! Why do we keep this house so darn cold?! Crank up the thermostat and build a fire, will ya? I have a better idea. C'mere. OK, step outside. Why? What's outside? In a few minutes, you can come in, and then the house will seem nice and warm. I'm telling the newspapers about you, Dad! Calvin is cold. He asks why they keep the house so cold. He tells Dad to crank up the thermostat and start a fire. Dad has a better idea. He has Calvin follow him. He opens the door and asks Calvin to step outside. Dad closes the door. He tells Calvin in a few minutes he can come back inside, and the house will seem nice and warm. Calvin yells back that he's telling the newspapers about him."

"Read me 'Hamster Huey and the Gooey Kablooie.' Oh, I don't want to read that again. Let's read something different tonight. No I want to hear 'Hamster Huey and the Gooey Kablooie.' C'mon Calvin, I've read this a thousand times. Read it again. Please? PLEASE? All right, all right. You'll do the squeky voices, the gooshy sound effects, and the happy hamster hop, won't you? Look, can't we read something else? Calvin asks Dad to read 'Hamster Huey and the Gooey Kablooie'. Dad doesn't want to read that again. He asks to read something different tonight. Calvin wants 'Hamster Huey'. Dad says he's read it a thousand times. Calvin puts his hands together and begs Dad to please read it. Dad agrees. Calvin asks for him to do the squeaky voices, the gooshy sound effects, and the happy hamster hop, also. Dad asks if he can't read something else."

"MOMM! MOM! What is it? What's the matter? Do people grow from spores? SPORES?!? You wake me up at 2 am to ask if people grow from spores? Are you out of your mind?? Why are you even awake?! Go to sleep!! She didn't answer. She must not know. I'm telling you, it's true. Mom wakes up to hear Calvin calling loudly for her. She goes to his room and asks what's the matter. Calvin asks if people grow from spores. Mom yells that it's 2 AM and he is asking her if people grow from spores. She asks if he's out of his mind. She wonders why he's even awake. She tells him to go to sleep. After she leaves, Calvin tells Hobbes she didn't answer, so she must not know. Hobbes says it's true."

I say it's a fallacy that kids need 12 years of school! Three months is plenty! Look at me. I'm smart! I don't need 11 1/2 more years of school! It's a complete waste of my time! How on earth did you get all the way to the bust stop with both feet through one pant leg? I fell down a lot. ...Why? What's your point? Nothing. I was just curious. Calvin says it's a fallacy that kids need 12 years of school. He says three months are plenty. He offers himself as an exhibit. He's smart. He doesn't need 11 1/2 more years of school. It's a waste of time. Hobbes asks him how he got all the way to the bus stop with both his feet through one pant leg. Calvin says he fell down a lot. He asks Hobbes what his point is. Hobbes rolls his eyes and says he was just curious.

"How's my peanut butter sandwich coming? You're using chunky peanut butter, right? I won't eat smooth! Make it an open face sandwich too! Don't put any jelly on it or anything! And use some normal bread! I don't like those weird grain breads! Did you cut it diagonally? I like triangles better than rectangles, so be sure to cut it right! Your majesty's sandwich. HEY, this is a closed-face, horizontally cut, smooth peanut butter sandwich on weird bread with jelly! Weren't you LISTENING?! Calvin asks Mom how his peanut butter sandwich is coming. He reminds her to use chunky, because he won't eat smooth. He wants it open face. He tells her not to put jelly on it and use normal bread. He doesn't like those weird grain breads. He asks her if she cut it diagonally. He likes triangles more than rectangles, so he tells her to cut it right. Mom sets the sandwich down and says 'Your majesty's sandwich'. Calvin looks at the sandwich. He complains he got a closed-face, horizontally cut, smooth peanut butter sandwich on weird bread with jelly. He asks if Mom wasn't listening."

"I'm leaving out a sandwich for Santa. That's nice. What do you think he'd like with that? Some milk? I think 'Santa'would rather have a cold beer. DEAR! Psst! Wake up! It's Christmas! Are you sure? It's still dark out. It's four in the morning! Let's see if santa left our loot yet! Oh boy! We'll let Mom and Dad sleep another hour, but we can at least count all our packages. I get to plug in the tree lights! Ha ha! Look at all this booty! Let's see which ones are for me! Here's one for you. Strange that Santa would go to the trouble to wrap a box of coal. Har har. Here's one for Mom. Here's one for me...This one is for Dad... Hey, were are YOUR presents? Santa goofed up! Good thing tigers are naturally gifted to begin with. MOMM! DAAD! SANTA DIDN'T BRING HOBBES ANYTHING! Uh oh. think quick, Dear. It had better be a lot later than it feels like. Well, here's a present from ME anyway. Hope it fits. The best presents don't come in boxes. I'll treasure this one forever. Calvin wakes Hobbes up and tells him it's Christmas. Hobbes asks if he's sure, since it's still dark outside. Calvin says it's four in the morning. He hops out of bed. He asks Hobbes to see if Santa left their loot yet. He says he'll let Mom and Dad sleep another hour, but they can at least count their packages. Calvin sees all the presents. Hobbes hands him one and says it's strange Santa would go to the bother to wrap a box of coal. Calvin starts dividing up the presents by who's getting them. He thinks Santa goofed up. Hobbes hasn't gotten any gifts. Calvin yells to Mom and Dad that Santa didn't get Hobbes anything. Calvin hugs Hobbes and tells him it's a present from him. He hopes it fits. Hobbes tells him the best presents don't come in boxes. He'll treasure it forever."

"There's nothing prettier than new fallen snow on a clear freezing moonlit night. ...through a window, that is. Calvin and Hobbes look out the window to the evening. The moon is shining in the sky, snow is on the ground. Calvin says there's nothing prettier than new fallen snow on a clear, freezing, moonlit night. Then he adds, 'through a window, that is'."

"I can't take bath in this! The water's BOILING! I'll scald myself! What are you trying to do, cook me alive?? Well, forget it! I'm not getting in! By the time you quit fussing, complaining, yelling and screaming and actually take off your clothes and get it, the water will be perfect. Boy, does she know me. Calvin points to the full bathtub and says he can't take a bath in that. The water's boiling, and he'll scald himself. He asks Mom if she's trying to cook him alive. Mom opens the bathroom door and says by the time he quits fussing, complaining, yelling and screaming, takes off his clothes and gets in, the water will be fine. Calvin does and says his Mom really knows him."

"Every day I have to get up and go to school. Nothing ever changes. It's just school, school, school. But not today. Today, I go for the gusto. I think you should ask your Mom if it's OK. Calvin is getting dressed. He complains every day he has to get up and go to school. He says nothing ever changes. It's just school, school, school. But today, he goes for the gusto. He dresses in a space helmet and cape. Hobbes suggests Calvin should ask Mom if it's okay."

"Boy, did I get into trouble at school today. Wow. What happened? I don't even want to talk about it. Did it have anything to do with all those sirens about noon? I SAID I didn't want to talk about it. Calvin tells Hobbes that he really got in trouble in school today. Hobbes asks what he did, but Calvin doesn't want to talk about it. They walk on a bit more. Hobbes asks if it has anything to do with all those sirens about noon. Calvin tells him he said he didn't want to talk about it."

"Did you bring something for show and tell? You bet! I brought these charred rocks and ashes from my backyard. See? Dramatic proof that UFOs landed not a hundred feet from my house. Their retro rockets burned solid rock into this fragile grey dust cube! This is an old charcoal briquette. Even as we speak, aliens are undoubtedly infiltrating the highest levels of our government. Susie asks if Calvin brought something for show and tell. Calvin says yes. He brought some charred rocks and ashes from his back yard. He says it's dramatic proof UFO's landed near his house. Their retro rockets burned solid rock into a fragile gray dust cube. Susie looks at it. She says it's an old charcoal briquette. Calvin says as they speak, aliens are infiltrating the highest levels of our government."