"I think rituals are important. MY favorite ritual is eating three bowls of 'chocolate frosted sugar bombs' and watching TV cartoons all Saturday morning. After a few hourse, I'm so overstimulated I can't sit still or even think straight. Sort of a transcendental experience, huh? Yeah. I achieve a lower consciousness. Calvin tells Hobbes that rituals are important. He says his favorite ritual is eating three bowls of 'Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs' and watching TV cartoons all Saturday morning. He says after a few hours, he's so overstimulated he can't sit still or think straight. Hobbes says it's like a transcendental experience. Calvin says he achieves a lower consciousness."
"Can I have a different plate, Mom? Why? Somebody puked on mine. Just eat your dinner and keep quiet, OK, Calvin? EWWWW MMF! HOOPA ARGH! FLIP FLOP BLAHHHHHHH TWITCH TWITCH Oh, knock it off, Calvin, it's hamburger casserole. There's not a thing in there you don't like. This is HAMBURGER? Chew Chew Hmm... This bit wasn't so bad, for some reason. I was able to choke it down, anyway. My stomach is still cramping up, but the pains aren't as sharp any more. The secret is to suppress the gag reflex. After I swallow it, I can stand it. Good I'm glad this is such a hit. Calvin gives his dinner a funny look. He plugs his nose and takes a bite. He turns green, purple, blue, orange and yellow as he flops around on the ground, acting as if he's choking. Mom sits him back in his chair and tells him it's hamburger casserole. She tells him there isn't anything in it he doesn't like. He takes another bite. He says that bite wasn't so bad. He was able to choke it down. He says his stomach pains aren't as bad. He says the secret is suppressing the gag reflex. Once he swallows it, he can stand it. Mom sits at the table saying she's glad the meal is such a hit."
"All right, all right! I'm GOING! Hey! Leggo! I can walk myself! I just have to... OK! Look, I'm going! I'm going! Sure, you think school's great NOW. But in a couple of hourse you'll MISS me! You'll see! From inside the house, we hear 'All right, I'm going'. Then, 'I can walk myself. OK, I'm going'. Calvin is tossed out the door. Calvin yells back to the house that you think school's great now, but in a couple of hours you'll miss him."
"There goes Calvin off to school. He sure put up a fuss. Well, he'll have fun once he gets there. See, he's even running now. He's all excited about... HEY! CALVIN. THE BUS STOP IS THAT WAY! COME BACK HERE! Mom looks out the window. She's in her robe, holding a cup of coffee. She is thinking that Calvin put up a fuss. She thinks he'll have fun as soon as he gets there. She sees Calvin running and thinks he's getting excited. Then she realizes, and she opens the door and yells. Calvin is running away from the bus stop. She yells for him to get back there."
"I can't believe I'm here waiting to go to school. What happened to summer? Gosh, I couldn't WAIT for today! Soon we'll be making new friends, learning all sorts of important things, and... What's the matter with YOU?? Your bangs do a good job of covering up the lobotomy stitches. Calvin is waiting for the bus with Susie. He wonders what happened to summer. He can't believe it's time for school again. Susie says she couldn't wait for this day. They'll meet new friends, learn all sorts of important things. Calvin looks at her. When she asks what he's looking at, he tells her that her bangs do a good job of covering up the lobotomy stitches."
"I pledge allegiance... to Queen Fragg... and her mighty state of hysteria... It's going to be a long year. Calvin has his hand over his heart reciting the Pledge of Allegiance. He pledges allegiance to 'Queen Fragg...and her mighty state of Hysteria'. Miss Wormwood drags him down the hall to the principal's office. Calvin says it's going to be a long year."
"Hey, Calvin, you're on my swing. Get lost. I'm not scared of you, Moe. Oh no? Nope. You're so dumb you probably never thought about how a sparrow's smaller size and maneuverability is an advantage in fighting off big crows. Yeah? Those TV nature programs will be the death of me yet. Calvin is sitting on a swing when Moe comes up to him. Moe tells Calvin to get off his swing. Calvin replies he's not afraid of Moe. He explains to Moe that he's so dumb that he's never thought about how a sparrow's smaller"
"Yes, Calvin? May I be excused, please? Again? I have to go. Bad. All right. Thank you. What are YOU doing home?! I had to go. Calvin asks Miss Wormwood if he could be excused. He says he has to go, bad. Miss Wormwood lets him go. Mom opens the door and asks Calvin what he's doing home. Calvin tells her he had to go."
"So THERE you are! Get out right now! Into the tub! Let's go!! She'd never have found me if I hadn't sneezed. I'll give you a quarter to take my bath for me. Let's see the quarter first. Here. Just splash around while I make sounds as if it's me in the tub. OK, it's a deal. In fact, for another 25 cents, I'll take your Wednesday batch, too. Wow! Really? I could never take a bath again! La de da da dum dum I'm washing my arms now! Whoops! Dropped the soap! Now I'm washing my face! OK, you can come out now. That's long enough. Boy, that was easy. A few weeks of this and I'll be rich! Not so long with the drier. Mom will get suspicious. I'm not all dry yet. There! We made it. Now keep a straight face. Good night. Give me a kiss. BLECHH! You're filty. Didn't you hear me take a batch?? See? My towel is wet! See? See? I want my quarter back. Forget it. It's as good as spent. Calvin stops at his front door worried about Hobbes pouncing on him. He pushes the door open with a stick. He says he's home. Nothing happens. He peeks in, and Hobbes crashes into him. Calvin asks if he waits until he sees the whites of his eyes. Hobbes, laughing, says he should have seen them. They were as big as dinner plates."
"Have you been reading the papers? Grown-ups really have the world fouled up. Acid rain, toxic wastes, holes in the ozone, sewage in the oceans, and on and on! The only bright side to all this is that eventually there may not be a piece of the planet worth fighting over. Calvin asks Hobbes if he's read the papers lately. He says grown-ups really have fouled the world up. Acid rain, toxic waste, holes in the ozone, sewage in the ocean, on and on. They walk a little further, and Calvin says the only bright side is that eventually there may not be a piece of the planet worth fighting for."
"You're packing? Yep. Get your toothbrush, Hobbes, we're outta here. It's an outrage how grown-ups have polluted the earth! I refuse to inherit a spoiled plant! I'm LEAVING! Really? Where to?? You know, sometimes you're a real load to have around. I was just ASKING! Calvin packs his suitcase. He says it's outrageous how grown-ups have polluted the earth. He refuses to inherit a spoiled planet. He's leaving. Hobbes asks him 'Where to'. Calvin stops, puzzled. He tells Hobbes sometimes he's a real load to have around."
"How about Mars? We could go there to avoid Earth's pollution. Yeah! If we go NOW, we can claim it and keep everyone else off it. OK, it's settled. Mars it is. You finish packing. I'll go get the wagon. We're going in the wagon? Of course! What did YOU want to do? Flap your arms? I guess I hadn't thought about that part. Obviously. Hobbes suggests they could go to Mars to avoid Earth's pollution. Calvin figures if they go now, they can claim it and keep everyone else off it. Calvin goes off to get their wagon. Hobbes asks if they're going in the wagon. Calvin says of course, unless he wanted to flap his arms. Hobbes scratches his head and says he hadn't thought about that part. Calvin walks off saying 'Obviously'."
"So long, Mom. Hobbes and I are going to Mars to live. Earth is too polluted. Have a good time. Say goodbye to Dad for us. If I can find an interplanetary post offce, I'll write to you once in a while and ... Calvin, don't stand there with the door open. You're letting in the bugs. Either stay in or go outside. She didn't seem to choked up about us going, did she? We should've left a long time ago. Calvin says goodbye to Mom. He's going to live on Mars, since Earth is too polluted. She tells him goodbye. Calvin stands by the open back door and tells her to say goodbye to Dad. If he can find an interplanetary post office, he'll write once in a while. Mom tells him he's letting in bugs. Either stay in or go outside. Hobbes tells Calvin she didn't see too choked up about them going. Calvin adds they should have left a long time ago."
on this trip. As the wagon flies off the ramp they built, Calvin tells Hobbes it was his job to pack food. Hobbes says he packed food for him. " BLAST OFF! Do you really think we'll get enough lift to break Earth's gravity? Of course! You think I didn't plan this out?! I thought of everything. Did you think of what you'll eat on our trip? Packing was YOUR job! Didn't you pack us any FOOD?? I packed food for ME...
"We did it! We cleared Earth's orbit! Mars, here we come! Are you sure this is the way? What? You didn't bring the map?! Calvin and Hobbes are in the wagon in space. Calvin says they cleared Earth's orbit. Calvin yells 'Mars, here we come'. Hobbes asks if he's sure this is the way. Calvin asks if he didn't bring the map."
"Call it. Tails. OK, best two out of three. OOOMPH Let's change this to TOUCH football, OK? Calvin kicks the football to Hobbes. Calvin goes for the tackle. He hits Hobbes, but nothing happens. Calvin tries picking up Hobbes' foot, but nothing happens. Calvin pulls Hobbes' tail, but nothing happens. He tries climbing on Hobbes to reach the football, but Hobbes simply holds it at arm's length. Calvin suggests they change to touch football."
"Space travel makes you realize just how small we really are. When you see Earth as a tiny blue speck in the infinite reaches of space, you have to wonder about the mysteries of creation. Surely we're all part of some great design, no more or less important than anything else in the Universe. Surely everything fits together and has a purpose, a reason for being. Doesn't it make you wonder? I wonder what happens if you throw up in zero gravity. Maybe you should wonder what it's like to walk home. Calvin says space travel makes you realize how small we are. The earth is a tiny blue speck in the infinite reaches of space. Calvin wonders about the mysteries of creation. He thinks they're part of some great design, no more or less important than any other thing in the universe. Everything fits together and has a reason for being. He asks Hobbes if it makes him wonder. Hobbes wonders what happens when you throw up in zero gravity. Calvin tells him maybe he should wonder what it's like to walk home."
Hang on! We're coming in through Mars' atmosphere. BONK BONK We've landed! We're the first ones to ever set foot on another planet! What a historic moment! I still can't believe you forgot the camera. I remembered it. YOU just didn't want to turn around. They are coming in through Mars' atmosphere. The wagon comes to a landing on the surface. Calvin says they're the first ones to land on another planet. What a historic moment! Calvin tells Hobbes he still can't believe Hobbes forgot the camera. Hobbes crosses his arms and says he did remember the camera. Calvin just didn't want to turn around.
"See any signs of Martian life? Not yet... Hey, look! It's the old 'Viking' spacecraft that landed here in the '70s. Gosh, I wonder if it's still working. BLAHHHH HOOP HOOP BOOLA BOOLA ACKACKACK That ought to blow some circuits at NASA! Hee Hee Hee! I've always wanted to do something like that. Calvin and Hobbes are walking on Mars looking for signs of life. Calvin notices the old 'Viking' spacecraft that landed in the 70's. Hobbes wonders if it's still working. They walk up to the craft, make funny faces at it, and make odd noises. As they walk away laughing, Calvin says that ought to blow some circuits at NASA."
"Well, this is our new home. I guess we should unpack and set up camp. Comic books... comic books... tuna... some candy bars... more tuna... toothbrushes... a can opener... looks like we're all set. What's this? A night light. I thought it might be scary sleeping on a new planet. Boy, you thought of everything. Now we have to find an outlet. Calvin decides to unpack and set up camp. They have comic books, candy bars, tuna, a can opener, and toothbrushes. They're all set. Hobbes brought along a night light. He thought it might be scary sleeping on a new planet. He goes off looking for an outlet."
"Yep, Mars may be a little dull, but it's better than earth. CRUNCH CRUCH We've got a whole planet to ourselves. Brand new and unspoiled. No people. No pollution. Nothing but rugget, natural beauty as far as the eye can see. That's not your candy bar wrapper over there, is it? It was just there a minute! I wasn't going to leave it. As they're eating a candy bar, Calvin comments that Mars is dull, but it's better than Earth. They have the whole planet to themselves. No people, no pollution. Nothing but natural beauty as far as the eye can see. Hobbes asks if"
"I don't know about you, but I LIKE it here on Mars. I do too. It's very peaceful. Not only that, but we don't have MOM here to boss us around! No early bedtime, no baths, no disgusting dinners, no... Did that rock just move?? MOMMMMM!! Calvin and Hobbes both like it on Mars. It's very peaceful. Calvin also adds that Mom isn't there to boss them around. No early bedtime, no baths, no disgusting dinners. Hobbes looks quickly at the ground. He asks Calvin if that rock just moved. They hold onto each other and yell for Mom."
"You know what would make this house a lot better? No, what? You should take out the stairs and put me in an elevator. Good. I'll file that with your idea for a moving sidewalk. Oh no! WHOAAA OWW ... WWCH! WHOAAA OWW ... WWCH! WHOAAA OWW ... WWCH! Did you fall down the stairs AGAIN?! That's me. (Oof), the human slinky. Calvin stands on the top stair of the case. He bends forward and hits his head on the next step. Then, he tumbles over and hits his feet on the next step. Again and again it happens. Mom runs over to the bottom of the staircase and asks if he fell down the stairs again. Calvin, stuck head first between the floor and the bottom step, says that's him, the human slinky."
"Oh my gosh, that rock moved! There's something under it! It must be a Martian! Oh no! Oh no! It's probably some creepy, tentacled, bug-eyed monster! You're right! There's a tentacle now! It's coming out! What will we do?! AAUGHHHHH Calvin and Hobbes look at a rock. It's moving. Hobbes says there's something under it. Calvin says it must be a Martian. He says it's probably some creepy, tentacled, bug-eyed monster. They see a tentacle come from under the rock. Calvin says it's coming out. He wonders what they'll do. When they see the Martian, and the Martian sees them, everyone jumps into the air and shrieks."
"Is the Martian still out there? I'll take a peek. I don't see him. He must have hidden. Hidden?? Do you think he's scared of us? Why not? WE'RE scared of HIM. Yeah, but WE'RE just ordinary earthlings, not weirdos from another planet, like HE is. Calvin and Hobbes are hiding behind a rock. Calvin wonders if the Martian is still out there. Hobbes takes a look. He doesn't see him, so he tells Calvin he must be hiding. Calvin whispers to Hobbes asking if he thinks the Martian is scared of them. Hobbes tells him why not, they're afraid of him. Calvin says they're just ordinary Earthlings, not weirdos from another planet like he is."
"Why do you think the Martian hid from us? Maybe Martians don't like Earthlings. Don't like us?! What's not to like?? There's nothing wrong with humans! Hey, you Martian! Come on out! We're not bad! We just came here because our people polluted our own planet so much that ... uh... what I mean, is... um... So what are you saying? That our reputation has preceded us? Would you welcome in a dog that wasn't house-trained? Calvin asks why the Martian hid from them. Hobbes supposes Martians may not like Earthlings. Calvin wonders what there is not to like. Calvin yells to the Martian to come out, they're not bad. They just came to Mars because people polluted their own planet. He stops. Then, Calvin asks Hobbes if their reputation preceded them. Hobbes asks if Calvin would welcome in a dog that wasn't house-trained."
"I guess we should go home to Earth. Yeah, we may not be welcome here. We ought to fix up our own planet before we go messing around with other people's planets. After all, there's only one Earth, and it's got to last us a while. We also should go home because we're clean out of tuna. I hope Mom and Dad didn't rent out my room. Hobbes thinks they should go home to earth. Calvin agrees, thinking they may not be welcome there. He thinks they should fix up their own planet before messing around with other people's planets. As they start down a hill, Calvin says there's only one earth, and it has to last them a while. Hobbes adds they should also go home because they're out of tuna. Calvin hopes Mom and Dad haven't rented out his room."
"There's Earth. We're almost home. Look, you can see the continents. Hmm... if I remember my atlas, we live in a big, purple country. And our house is by the giant letter 'E' in the word 'States'."
"Hi, Dad! Guess what Hobbes and I did! We went to Mars! Well, well. Yep. We were going to live there because Earth is so polluted, but we discovered that Mars is inhabited, so we came back home. You didn't like the Martians? No, they didn't like US. I think they were afraid we'd junk up Mars the way we've junked up Earth. What's my good briefcase doing out, and why does it smell like tuna fish?! And can you believe it, Dad? We go clear to Mars, and dumb ol' Hobbes forgets the camera! Dad comes home from work, and Calvin tells him he and Hobbes went to Mars. Calvin explains they went there because Earth is polluted, but they came home when they found Mars inhabited. Dad asks if he didn't like the Martians. Calvin tells him the Martians didn't like them. He thinks the Martians were worried they'd junk up their planet like they had junked up Earth. Dad asks why his good briefcase is out and why does it smell like tuna. Calvin says they go all the way to Mars, and Hobbes forgets the camera."
"Uh-oh. Something is very wrong here. Calvin has mysteriously shrunk to a quarter of an inch tall! How can he make his plight known to his parents when he is smaller than a penny? Calvin gets an idea! He grabs the leg of a passing housefly and flies to his Dad's camera! Once there, he climbs up and sets the self-timer. Jumping on the shutter, Calvin has 15 short seconds to get in front of the lens. With luck, Calvin's Dad will have the film developed soon, and discover what has happened. What happened?! Look at all these terrible pictures! I don't remember taking these. Who's that little speck in the distance all the time? You haven't been fooling with my camera, have you? ME? Heck, no. Maybe you should get the camera fixed. Calvin has shrunk to a quarter of an inch tall. How will he tell his parents when he's smaller than a penny? He grabs the leg of a passing housefly and flies to Dad's camera. He climbs up and sets the self-timer. He jumps up in front of the lens. Calvin hopes Dad gets the film developed soon to discover what has happened. Dad's looking at what are terrible pictures. He doesn't remember taking them. He wonders who the little speck in the distance is. He asks if Calvin has been fooling around with the camera. Calvin says heck no. He suggests Dad get the camera fixed."