"Hey Mom, can we go out for hamburgers tonight? Not tonight, dear. Aw, Mom! Why not? Because I'm already fixing something for dinner. Yeah ... I know. Calvin asks Mom if they can go out for hamburgers tonight. Mom says no. Calvin asks why not. Mom replies that she's already fixing something for dinner. Calvin replies that he knows."
"Why does the sun set? It's because hot air rises. The sun's hot in the middle of the day, so it rises high in the sky. In the evening then, it cools down and sets. Why does it go from east to west? Solar wind. Dear! Calvin asks Dad why the sun sets. Dad explains that hot air rises, so the sun rises in the middle of the day. In the evening, it cools down and sets. Calvin asks why it goes from east to west. Dad replies 'solar wind'. Mom yells at Dad."
"I'm thinking of a number between one and seven hundred billion. Try to guess it. Eleven? Nope. guess again. Six million and four. Nope. Guess again. What's the matter, don't you like games??" "Calvin asks Hobbes to guess the number he's thinking of. It's between one and seven hundred billion. Hobbes guesses eleven. Calvin tells him to guess again. This time he tries six million and four. Wrong again. When Calvin tells him to guess again, Hobbes leaves. Calvin yells after him, 'Don't you like games'."
"Do you believe our destinies are determined by the stars? Nah. Oh, I do. Really? How come? Life's a lot more fun when you're not responsible for your actions. Calvin asks Hobbes if he believes destinies are determined by the stars. Hobbes doesn't, but Calvin does. When asked why, Calvin replies that life is more fun when you're not responsible for your actions."
"Despite that amazing display of cunning, reflex and physical prowess, your tail still has a death grip on your butt. Could you stop the room, please? I'd like to get off. Hobbes is sleeping. As he awakens, he notices his tail twitching. He gets ready to pounce on it. He leaps. Around and around Hobbes goes trying to catch his tail. Exhausted, Hobbes lies on his back. Calvin tells him that despite his display of cunning, reflex and physical prowess, his tail still has a death grip on his butt. Head spinning, Hobbes asks Calvin to stop the room, he'd like to get off."
"Your polls, dad. You dropped another five points. It seems that although your recognition factor is high, the scandals of your administration continue to haunt you. Scandals? What scandals? Bedtimegate and homeworkgate come readily to mind. Instances of true leadership. History will vindicate me. I wonder what my new dad will look like. Calvin tells Dad his poll results are down again. Calvin explains that though his recognition factor is high, scandals continue to haunt him. Dad wonders what scandals Calvin is talking about. Bedtimegate and Homeworkgate are mentioned. Dad isn't worried. He calls them instances of true leadership. History will vindicate him. Calvin isn't so sure and wonders what his new Dad will look like."
"You'll be glad to know I've analyzed your poor showing in the polls. I'll bet. See, your record in office is miserable and the character issue is killing you. Your basic approval rating among six-year-olds hardly registers. If anyone ever needed a slick ad campaign, it's you. Let me guess what you have in mind. The new Dad, I call it. Calvin has analyzed Dad's poor poll showing. Calvin says Dad's record in office is terrible, and the character issue is killing him. Dad's approval rating among six-year-olds barely registers. Calvin says Dad needs a slick ad campaign. Calvin calls it 'The New Dad'."
"I think the image we need to create for you is repentant, but learning. You know, show some humility, and present yourself as a regular guy trying to learn the ropes of a difficult job. Difficult doesn't begin to describe it. I worked up some slogans. See what you think. Dad-gradually he catches on. Vote Dad! This time, he'll do better. To forgive is divine - vote Dad in '88. I get the idea, Calvin. Calvin wants to create a 'repentant, but learning' image. Calvin tells him to present himself as a regular guy learning the ropes of a difficult job. Dad thinks difficult doesn't begin to describe it. Calvin offers some slogans. 'Dad - Gradually, he catches on' and 'Vote Dad! This time he'll do better' are offered. Dad gets the idea."
"If you want to stay Dad, you've got to polish your image. My image. Right, see, now everyone think your insensitive to the legitimate needs of minors. A few magnanimous gestures while in office now might be in order. If your mind's gone blank, I have some suggestions. Oh, the suspense. For example, you might repeal mandatory school attendance. That alone could rocket you to victory. Calvin tells Dad he has to polish his image. Calvin suggests a few magnanimous gestures might be in order. He has some suggestions. Dad can't wait to hear them. Calvin poses repeal of mandatory school attendance. He says that alone could rocket Dad to victory."
"Much as I appreciate your offer, I don't need an image consultant. I prefer to let the wisdom of my words and deeds speak for themselves. In that case, you'll have a lot of time to write your memoirs. We'll see. Now it's past your bedtime. Dad buried in landslide! Jubliant throngs fill streets! Stunned father inconsolabledemands recount! Good night. Dad doesn't think he needs an image consultant. Dad prefers to let the wisdom of his words and deeds speak for themselves. Calvin thinks that means Dad will have plenty of time to write his memoirs. Dad tells Calvin to go to"
"Eight, nine, ten! Here I come, ready or not! All right, give 'em back! Calvin and Hobbes are playing hide-and-seek. Hobbes counts to ten, while Calvin hides behind a barrel. After some time, Calvin realizes. He goes back into the house to catch Hobbes sitting on the floor reading comic books."
"I call this 'lookout' hill. Yes, you can certainly see far from up here. I call it 'lookout' hill because that's what you yell whenever we go down it. You know, sometimes it seems things go by too quickly. We're so busy watching out for what's just ahead of us that we don't take the time to enjoy where we are. Days go by and we hardly notice them. Life becomes a blur. Often it takes some calamity to make us live in the present. Then suddenly we wake up and see all the mistakes we've made. But it's too late to change anything. It's like ... it's like ... It's like what? It's like SOMEthing ... I just can't think of it. Calvin and Hobbes are riding their wagon down the hill. Calvin says sometimes things go by too quickly as they roll down the hill. They're so busy watching where they're going to enjoy where they are as they watch the path of the wagon. They don't notice days going by. It's all a blur as they gain speed down the hill. It often takes a calamity to make them live in the present as they sail off the hill. Then Calvin says they see their mistakes, but it's too late to change anything as the wagon falls off below them. Calvin says 'it's like...' as they fall from the sky. Hobbes asks what it's like. Calvin says 'it's like something, but he can't think of it'."
"Here I am, waiting for the bus. Eleven more years of school to go. Then college, then maybe graduate school, and then I work until I die. What kind of world is this?! You only get five years to be a kid?? What about exploring and discovering and playing? Those things are important too! Well, you still have afternoons and weekends. That's when I watch TV. Calvin is waiting for the school bus. He says he has eleven more years to go, then college, then maybe graduate school. He'll then work until he dies. He complains that he only gets five years to be a kid. When he bemoans not being able to explore, discover, and play, Hobbes points out that he still has afternoons and weekends. Calvin tells him that's when he watches TV."
"Look, Hobbes, I got a model airplane. Want to help me build it? Sure. Wow, a Phantom jet. Look at all the little pieces. Here, you put those pieces together, and I'll do these. Then we'll stick yours on mine, OK? Shouldn't we read the instructions? Do I LOOK like a sissy? Calvin got a model airplane and asks Hobbes to help him make it. It's a model of a Phantom jet. Hobbes notices all the small pieces. Calvin gives Hobbes half the pieces. He tells him to put those together, and he'll do the same with his half. Then, they'll stick the two parts together. Hobbes asks if they shouldn't read the instructions. Calvin asks him if he looks like a sissy."
"Hey, these instructions are in three different languages. Uh oh, I got glue on my hands. It starts in English, but then it goes into French and Spanish. This stuff is worse than Mozzarella cheese. It's hard to believe this model is for ages six and up. Yecchh. What a mess. You have to be tri-lingual just to read the directions. I hope Mom likes this newspaper here on the floor, because it's sure not going anywhere. Calvin has the model kit on the floor with newspaper under it. Hobbes notices the instructions are in three languages. Calvin gets some glue on his hands. Hobbes says the instructions start in English, but then go into French and Spanish. Calvin is getting glue all over and says it's worse than mozzarella cheese. Hobbes can't believe the model is for kids six and up. Calvin now has glue on his shoes and both hands. Hobbes says you have to be tri-lingual just to read the instructions. Calvin hopes Mom likes the newspaper on the floor, because it's sure not going anywhere."
"Nuts! This wheel strut snapped. Why do they make 'em so darn small? I guess that was an optional piece. My wheel won't fit in the wheel well. Here, let me try. Sometimes you just have to ... SNAP Darn it! This plane is in for some rough landings. Calvin breaks one of the wheel struts. He complains the parts are made so small. He figures that piece is optional. Hobbes can't get his wheel in the wheel well of the plane. Calvin tries but breaks that, as well. Hobbes says the plane is in for some rough landings."
Look at this stupid model. It looks awful! Our plane doesn't look anything like the picture in the box. Maybe we can fix it when we paint it. I can't paint it like this. Look how good they did this. How'd they paint eyebrows on a pilot that's less than an inch tall?? I think that's a real jet superimposed on a plastic stand. Calvin looks at the completed model. It's a mess. He says their plane looks nothing like the picture on the box. Hobbes suggests they can fix it when they paint the model. Calvin says he can't paint that good. He wonders how they painted eyebrows on the pilot less than an inch tall. Hobbes thinks they superimposed a real jet onto a plastic stand.
"I hate this model. Nothing fit right, the instructures were incomprehensible, the decals ripped, the paint slopped, and the glue got everywhere. What a disaster. Six bucks completely down the drain. I can't think of an afternoon I've enjoyed less. What a waste. What a dumb hobby. Of course, with this for practice, I'll bet we could do great on ANOTHER model! Let's get one of those clipper ships with all the riggings. Calvin hates the model. The parts didn't fit right, the instructions were incomprehensible, the decals ripped, the paint slopped, and glue got everywhere. He says it was six bucks down the drain. He can't think of an afternoon he's enjoyed less. Then, he figures with all the practice they got on that model, they'll do great on another one. Hobbes suggests a clipper ship with all the riggings."
"A voice cackles in Calvin's radio. 'Enemy fighters at two o'clock!' Roger. What should I do until then? Calvin's F-4 phantom screams across the sky! But what's this? The canopy glass is all smeared! He can hardly see through it! Oh, no! THe throttle snaps off his hand! Calvin's only hope is to land, but the wheels refuse to open! They're stuck! Frantically Calvin tries to eject, but the cockpit is fused together! His jet is a hopeless mess! Everything is going wrong! Stupid model. Calvin's Phantom screams across the sky. He can't see out the canopy, it's all smeared. The throttle snaps off in his hand. Calvin can't land, because the wheels are stuck. He frantically tries to eject, but the cockpit is fused together. His jet is a hopeless mess. He shows his model to Hobbes and says 'stupid model'."
"I'm not going to bed! I don't have to do what you say! I can do anything I want! ... uh ... heh heh Enjoy this while you can! I'll be a hulking, surly teen-ager before you know it!! Calvin yells that he won't go to bed. He doesn't have to do what his parents say. He can do anything he wants. Mom comes over to him, picks him up, and takes him to bed. From the bed, Calvin yells they should enjoy it while they can. He'll be a hulking, surly teenager before they know it."
"Did you ever wonder if the person in the puddle is real, and you're just a reflection of HIM? If that was true, you'd disappear as soon as the person in the puddle moved away from the puddle, right? Gee, I guess so. I hadn't thought of that. Calvin and Hobbes are standing by a puddle. Calvin asks Hobbes if he ever wonders if he's a reflection of the person in the puddle. Hobbes notes that he'd disappear as soon as the person in the puddle moved away from the puddle. Calvin agrees, and he says he hadn't thought of it that way before. Late at night, Calvin still stands next to the puddle with a worried look on his face."
"BANG! BANG! BANG! Ha! That's six shots! You're out of bullets! I've got you now, you rustles! ZAP! 'ZAP'? My cattle prod. Calvin and Hobbes are wearing cowboy hats shooting at each other. Hobbes tells Calvin he's shot six bullets. Hobbes has him now. Calvin says 'zap'. Hobbes wonders what that is. Calvin tells him it was his cattle prod."
"Hey Susie, guess what I have in my hands! Is it disgusting? Um ... well ... Is it some creepy, gooey thing that no one in his right mind would ever, ever want to look at? Uh ... I suppose that depends on your point of view ... Forget it. I'm not guessing. You might as well. You're nine-tenths there. Calvin has his hands clasped and asks Susie to guess what's in his hands. She wonders if it's disgusting. Calvin mulls that over. She asks if it's some creepy, gooey thing no one in his right mind would want to look at. Calvin offers that it depends on your point of view. Susie walks off, saying she isn't going to guess. Calvin tells her she might as well. She's nine-tenths there."
"Mom, was I ever a grub? A what? You know. A larva. Did I really pupate at age two? Don't be disgusting! Of course not! Where did you ever get that awful idea? You should get your stories straight with Mom, Mr. Britannica!"
"How can you stand these cartoons? They're just half-hour commercials for toys. And when they're not boring, they're preachy. And these characters don't even MOVE. They just stand around blinking! What kind of cartoon is THAT? Meet my Dad, the Gene Siskel of Saturday morning TV. Calvin is watching TV. Dad asks how he can stand cartoons. He says they're half-hour commercials for toys. When they're not boring, they're preachy. He complains the characters don't even move, they just stand there blinking. As Dad walks away, Calvin rolls his eyes and calls Dad 'the Gene Siskel of Saturday Morning TV'."
"Good night, Calvin. ... all right where are you?! Calvin, I thought I said to get ready for bed! Now hurry up! I can't! I'm trapped in slow motion! Well you'd better get in normal speed ... now! Ahh! Time snap! Hobbes is in the tree fort. Calvin tells Hobbes to let him up. Hobbes says he might be some other kid in disguise. Calvin calls Hobbes a hairball barfer. Hobbes says he can stay down on the ground forever. Calvin sees Susie coming and wants to be let up so they can throw things at her. Calvin apologizes for insulting Hobbes. He wants the rope dropped down. Hobbes tells him he has to say the password. Susie comes up behind him as he's on the seventh verse of the poem password. Susie says she was going to ask him to come over and play house, but she thinks he'd be a weird example for their children. Calvin yells up to Hobbes saying one of these days he'll make Hobbes into a rug."
"Can I use the garden shovel? What do you want it for? Hobbes and I are going on an archealogical expedition. If you're looking for fossilized remains, you should dig through your room. Ha ha. Someday I'll name an Australopithecus woman after you. Calvin asks Mom if he can use a garden shovel. She asks why. He and Hobbes are going on an archeological expedition. Mom suggests that if he's looking for fossilized remains, he could dig through his room. Calvin doesn't think that's too funny. He says he'll name an Australopithicus woman after her."
"I've been reading up on paleontology. It's amazing stuff. Scientists can tell how old something is just by analyzing the layers of dirt it's in. Hey! Why, you must be six years old. Oh, you're a scream. Calvin, wearing a pith helmet and carrying a shovel, is telling Hobbes about paleontology. He says scientists can tell how old something is by analyzing the layers of dirt it's in. Hobbes touches Calvin's head. He looks at his finger and says Calvin must be six years old. Calvin says Hobbes is a scream."
"Archeologists dig slowly and carefully, using small, delicate tools. Each rock has to be painstakingly brushed and scraped so nothing is broken or missed. DIG DIG SCRAPE SCRAPE BRUSH BRUSH Archeologists have the most mind-numbing job on the planet. I don't think your Dad will want to shave with this tomorrow. Calvin says archeologists dig slowly and carefully, using small, delicate tools. Each rock has to be painstakingly brushed and scraped so nothing is broken or missed. He digs and scrapes for a while. Calvin looks up and says they have the most mind-numbing job on the planet. Hobbes holds up the brush they've been using. He says he doesn't think Dad will want to shave with that in the morning."
"Hey, look! I hit something! Don't break it! Dig carefully! Gosh, what do you suppose it is? Dust it off so we can see. It's some bizarre skull. Look at its mouth. Maybe it's a prehistoric anteater. Calvin hits something. Hobbes tells him to carefully dig it up. Calvin pulls out something covered in dirt. He wonders what it is. Hobbes tells him to dust it off. Calvin does, and he holds a Coke bottle. Calvin surmises it's some bizarre skull. Hobbes says to look at its mouth. Maybe it's a prehistoric anteater."