"Calvin and Susie, would you come in my office please? It was all his fault Mr. Spittle! That's a lie! She started it! Are you going to spank us?? I'll never pass notes again! Don't spank us!! Waaahhhh!! I wish we were dead!! I hate this job. The principal calls Susie and Calvin into his office. Susie yells that it's all Calvin's fault. Calvin yells that Susie's started it. Calvin wants to know if they're getting spanked. Susie promises to never pass notes again. They both cry and wish they were dead. The principal looks up and thinks that he hates his job."
"Now I want you both to pay better attention in class. Understood? Yes sir. Okay, you may return to your room now. Thank you Mr. Spittle. Calvin? You may return to your room. Calvin? The Zorg draws nearer Spiff sets his blaster on 'medium well' ... The principal tells Susie and Calvin he wants them to pay more attention in class. Susie agrees. The principal tells them to return to their class. Susie heads off. Calvin just stands in front of the principal's desk as he repeats himself about going back to class. Spiff sets his blaster on 'medium well' as the Zorg draws near."
"It says here that 'Religion is the opiate of the masses.' ... what do you suppose that means? ... it means Karl Marx hadn't seen anything yet. What are you watching? Garbage. This show would insult a 6-year-old! And I should know. So why watch it? All the other shows are even worse! Why watch TV at all then? There's nothing to do. Nothing to do?! You could read a book! Or write a letter! Or take a walk! When you're old you'll wish you had more than memories of this tripe to look back on. Undoubtedly. Hobbes asks Calvin what he's watching on TV. Calvin replies that the show is garbage that would insult a sixyear-old. Hobbes asks why he doesn't watch something else. Calvin tells him the other shows are worse. Hobbes asks why he watches TV at all. Calvin tells him that there's nothing else to do. Hobbes indignantly tells Calvin that he could read a book, write a letter, or take a walk. He says Calvin will wish he had more memories when he's old and looks back on these years. Calvin agrees, but stays in front of the TV. Hobbes decides to join him."
"... and with that report, we ... click beeeoooop click rats. Calvin points the remote control at the TV set, clicks it, and the TV goes off. Smiling, Calvin walks to the living room where Dad is sitting. Calvin points the remote control at Dad, clicks it, and says 'rats' when nothing happens."
"Mom, can I take up the floorboards in my room and make a secret passageway? Of course not, Calvin. Don't be ridiculous. Why can't I? Because you'd come right through the kitchen ceiling. I said don't do it. Okay, okay ... how quietly do you think we can nail these back in? Calvin asks Mom if he can remove his floorboards and build a secret passageway. Mom says not to be ridiculous, and that he'd come through the kitchen ceiling if he tried it. Calvin walks up to his room and asks Hobbes how quietly he thinks they can nail the boards back in."
"What's this disgusting slimy blob? Try it. You'll love it. Oh yeah? Well what if I don't love it?!? Then it will build character. That's my dad. Always looking out for me. Calvin asks Dad what this disgusting slimy blob on his plate is. Dad replies that he should try it. Calvin wants to know what if he does try it and doesn't like it. Dad replies that if that happens he will build character. As Calvin peeks over his dinner plate, he comments on how Dad is always looking out for him."
"Calvin! You're going to be late for school! Get up! Calvin, it's almost 7:30! Are you up?? I'm coming. See? I told you it wouldn't work! Of course not, dummy! You didn't put on any pants! Mom yells up the stairs for Calvin to get up. She goes to his bedroom door, tells Calvin it's nearly 7:30 and asks if he's ready. Calvin replies he's coming. There sits Hobbes with Calvin's shirt and cap on. Hobbes tells Calvin that he knew it wouldn't work. Calvin believes it didn't work because Hobbes didn't put on Calvin's pants."
"Do you know where babies come from? Nope. Well, I wonder how one finds out! ... here, let me see the back of your shirt. You came from Taiwan. Calvin asks Hobbes if he knows where babies come from. Hobbes says no. Calvin then wonders how a person would find out. Hobbes asks to see the back of Calvin's shirt. He then informs Calvin that he came from Taiwan."
"Hey Mom, when's lunch? Later Calvin. I'm busy. But I'm hungry now! I wanna eat! A map to the refrigerator. Hilarious. Calvin comes in the door and yells a question about when lunch is to his Mom. She's busy in the kitchen. Calvin yells that he's hungry and wants to eat now. Calvin receives a map to the refrigerator."
"McZargald's ... next exit ... 50 Megazorks. Over 7Million earthlingburgers served.' Spaceman Spiff is going down!!! We join our hero as he struggles to land his damaged spacecraft! The altitude flaps refuse to respond, but fearless Spiff is unfazed! Spiff careens through the alien canyon! Is this the end?? No! moments before impact, Spiff ejects! Now are you through charging around the house or are you going to fall down the stairs again? Our hero regains consciousness at the feet of a sarcastic alien ... Spaceman Spiff is going down. He fights to control his damaged spacecraft. Spiff careens through the alien canyon but ejects right before impact. Mom asks whether he's done running through the house or if he is going to fall down the steps again. Calvin thinks Spiff has regained consciousness at the feet of a sarcastic alien."
"Hi, Dad. It's me Calvin! How's work going? ... uh huh ... pretty day out, isn't it? ... yep ... are you bringing me home any presents tonight? ... no? Well, just thought I'd ask ... listen, I suppose you're wondering why I called ... Calvin calls Dad at work. He asks how Dad's day is going and comments on the pretty day. Calvin wonders if Dad will be bringing any presents home tonight. He just thought he'd ask. Then, Calvin tells Dad that he supposes he wonders why Calvin called. Calvin is standing on a ladder, wrench in hand, with water all over the floor."
"Dad, your polls took a big dive this week. Your 'Overall Dad performance' rating was especially low. See? Right about yesterday your popularity went down the tubes. Calvin, you didn't get dessert yesterday because you flooded the house!! I'd suggest a new line of work 'Dad' ... Calvin informs Dad that his poll results took a dive. In particular, the 'Overall Dad Performance' rating is especially low. The polls show Dad's drop started the day before. Dad yells that Calvin didn't get dessert the day before because he flooded the house. Calvin walks off, suggesting a new line of work for 'Dad'."
"The giant slimy octopus oozes across the beach. His hideous presence terrorizes the sleepy waterfront community. With a sucker-covered tentacle, he grabs an unsuspecting tourist. A muffled scream lingers in the salty air! Did you want something Calvin? The giant slimy octopus oozes across the beach. His presence terrorizes the community. His tentacle grabs an unsuspecting tourist. A muffled scream lingers in the air. Mom looks down at Calvin on the floor and asks if he wants something."
"Uh-oh. Here comes Moe. The class bully! Okay twinky, let's have that ball. Sure, Moe. All yours. Never argue with a six-year-old who shaves. Calvin sees Moe coming. Moe demands the ball, calling Calvin a twinky. Calvin gives Moe the ball and says you should never argue with a six-year-old who shaves."
Hey! You took my favorite swing! That's true Moe. How about that? ... uh ... His train of thought is still boarding at the station. Calvin is in a swing as Moe comes up indicating Calvin took his favorite swing. Calvin agrees and asks Moe about that. Moe ponders that while Calvin tells us Moe's train of thought is still boarding at the station.
"Moe, I was wondering something. Are you maladjusted antisocial tendencies the product of your berserk pituitary gland! What? Isn't he great folks? Let's give him a big hand. Calvin tells Moe he was wondering something. Calvin wonders if Moe's maladjusted antisocial tendencies were the product of his berserk pituitary gland. Moe stands there confused. Calvin says Moe is great, and that we should give him a hand."
"What should we have Dad read us tonight? ... so in the next panel, Supertoad goes 'Plooie' and ... 'My what big teeth you have! Said little Red Riding Hood. The better to eat you with! Said the wolf ... tiger ... said the tiger, and he pounced on Little Red Riding Hood. Just then a hunter came by, and when he saw the wolf ... tiger ... when he saw the tiger he picked up his gun and ... and? ...and it was too late. The tiger ate them both and he lived happily ever after. The end.' Good story Dad! Thanks! Sniff. I always cry at happy endings. Dad is trying to read Calvin the story of 'Little Red Riding Hood'. Calvin keeps changing the wolf to a tiger. As Dad gets to the part about the hunter shooting the wolf (or tiger in this story), he changes his mind. He says the tiger pounces on the hunter and Little Red Riding Hood, eating them and living happily ever after. Calvin thanks Dad for the good story as Hobbes tries to hold back tears."
"A bushel is a unit of weight equal to four pecks. What's a peck? A quick smooch. You know, I don't understand math at all. Calvin is doing some math conversions dealing with bushels and pecks. He asks Hobbes what a peck is. Hobbes, of course, replies that it's a quick smooch. Calvin laments that he just doesn't math at all."
"Mom, can I have some money so Hobbes and I can go to a movie? What movie? The cuisinart murder of central high. I really think there are more constructive ways you could spend your afternoon Calvin. What did she say? Oh, she went off on one of her irrelevant tangents again. Calvin asks Mom if he can have some money to go to the movies with Hobbes. The movie title is 'The Cuisinart Murderer of Central High'. Not surprisingly, Mom declines and informs Calvin there are much better ways he can spend his afternoon. As he goes back to his bedroom, Hobbes asks what Mom had said. Calvin states that she went off on one of her irrelevant tangents again."
"Do you believe our destinies are controlled by the stars? No, I think we can do whatever we want with our lives. Not to hear Mom and Dad tell it. As they gaze into the evening sky, Calvin asks Hobbes whether he believes their destinies are controlled by the stars. Hobbes believes they can do whatever they want with their lives. Calvin answers 'Not to hear Mom and Dad tell it'."
"Ready? No. Hurry up! Okay, I'm ready! Standing behind a snow berm, Calvin asks whether Hobbes is ready. Hobbes replies no. Calvin continues to make snowballs and yells to Hobbes to hurry up. Hobbes, standing on a lever and fulcrum with a huge snowball at the end says he's now ready."
"I have a question. Do you believe in life after death? You know, reincarnation? You just steer, okay? Sledding down the hill, Calvin asks Hobbes whether he believes in life after death, reincarnation. As they go zinging through the trees, Hobbes covers his eyes and tells Calvin to just steer."
"Meed and mild-mannered Calvin ducks into a nearby closet and transforms himself into ... Captain Napalm protector of the American way! Endowed with superhuman powers, he quickly ... Mommmmmmm! Mild-mannered Calvin dashes into the hall closet, where he transforms into Captain Napalm, protector of the American Way. Although Captain Napalm has superhuman powers, he cannot open the closet door and has to yell for Mom."
"Man the harpoons! Thar she blows!! Can Hobbes take a bath too? No, Hobbes doesn't need one. Hold still. By golly, what if I drown because nobody was here to rescue me?? Hobbes! C'mere! Mom can't know you're in here, okay? I'll disguise myself with bubbles. Hmm ... you need a hat. Hang on, and I'll get one of Dad's. I like his gray one the best. Maybe you should wear a tie, too. I'll be right back. Better hurry! I think I hear your mom coming! Dear! Why are you taking a bath?!? ... and wearing your best hat!! Calvin is taking a bath. He worries he might drown with no one there to rescue him, so he brings Hobbes into the tub. Hobbes disguises himself with bubbles, then Calvin gets one of Dad's hats for Hobbes to wear. As Calvin goes off to get a tie to add to the disguise, Hobbes tells him to hurry because Mom is coming. As Calvin walks naked behind Dad, who's reading a book, we hear Mom yelling at Dad for taking a bath in his best hat."
"Wake up Calvin. It's time for school. I'm not going to school anymore. You have to. It's the law. What about Hobbes? Why doesn't he have to go to school? He's a tiger. Get up. What's being a tiger got to do with it? Tigers wreck the grade curve. Mom wakes Calvin for school. Calvin says he's not going to school anymore. Mom replies that he has to, because it's the law. Calvin asks why Hobbes doesn't have to go to school. Mom tells him it's because he's a tiger. Calvin asks Hobbes what being a tiger has to do with it, and Hobbes replies that tigers wreck the grade curve."
"Do you think it's better to live in stupefying security ... or take risks and live life on the edge? I think it's better to accept danger and live to the fullest! I take it by your silence that you agree ... As Calvin and Hobbes pull the sled up the hill, Calvin asks Hobbes whether it's better to live in security or to take risks and live on the edge. As the sled is ready for the trip down the hill, Calvin and Hobbes sit on the sled. Calvin states that he believes it's best to accept danger and live to the fullest. As the sled goes down the hill, Calvin says that by Hobbes' silence, he must agree with Calvin. However, Hobbes isn't on the back of the sled after all."
"I'm making Susie Derkins a valentine. She's a cutie, all right. See, I made a big red heart. Now I'm putting lace around it. That's very sweet. I'm sure she'll like it. Susie, I hate you. Drop dead. Calvin. Calvin sits at a desk at home making Susie Derkins a valentine. Hobbes comments on how cute Susie is. Calvin is putting lace around the heart-shaped valentine. Hobbes is sure Susie will like it. Calvin writes that he hates her, and that she should drop dead."
"I'd like to get a valentine bouquet for a girl I know. What a sweet little boy you are! Come see what we have. Is this all? Did you have something special in mind? Sort of. Do you have a dumpster out back I could root through? Calvin goes to a florist to get a valentine bouquet. The worker comments on what a sweet little boy he is. Calvin doesn't see what he's looking for. When the worker asks if he had something special in mind, Calvin replies he was hoping for a dumpster he could root through."
"Calvin, you baloney brain! You sent me a hate-mail valentine and a crummy bunch of dead flowers! So here's a valentine for you, you insensitive clod!! A valentine and flowers! He likes me! She noticed! She likes me! Susie calls Calvin a baloney brain. She yells at him for giving her a hate-mail valentine and dead flowers. She smacks him with a snowball. As she walks off, she smiles and thinks Calvin likes her because of the valentine and flowers. Calvin, buried in the snow, thinks Susie likes him because she noticed the gifts he sent."
"No text Mom is sitting at the table when Calvin walks by dressed in his coat and hat. Puzzled, Mom goes upstairs and opens the bedroom door. There, she finds Calvin has opened the window letting snow into the room. Calvin is working on a snowman. Mom just covers her face."