"Here we are, overlooking suicide gulch, about to hurl ourselves down at breakneck speed in a sled that hardly steers! Risking life and limb! Looking at death straight in the eye! Why? You ask! Why do we do it?? Because we get paid, I hope. Because it's there! Calvin and Hobbes are on their toboggan, overlooking Suicide Gulch, ready to hurl themselves at breakneck speed on a sled that hardly steers. They're looking death in the eye. Calvin asks why they do it. Hobbes offers 'because we get paid, I hope'. Calvin says 'because it's there'."
"I'm going outside! I'll be out back if anyone wants me! I'll probably be gone a couple hours! I'm leaving now! I'm going! So long! Se you later! Bye! Stomp stomp stomp. Hey Susie, look! I found dinosaur tracks! Pretty scary, huh? I'll be you didn't know there were dinosaurs in this neighborhood! Especially not dinosaurs with size 5, treaded toes. Calvin jumps into the snow, stomping out patterns. When he's finished, he tells Susie he found dinosaur tracks. Calvin says it's pretty scary with dinosaurs in the neighborhood. Susie walks off saying the dinosaur tracks are made with size five, treaded toes. Calvin imagines being the dinosaur throwing a snowball at Susie."
"Look, Hobbes, the latest perfection in technology. A water pistol? Heck, no! this is the new improved version of the transmogrifier. Now you can transmogrify things just by pointing at them! Say you don't like the color of your bedspread. Well, you just zap it, and presto, it's an iguana! One can certainly imagine the myriad of uses for a hand-held iguana maker. It doesn't have to be an iguna. It can be anything. Suppose mom's getting on our nerves, for instance. Calvin shows Hobbes the latest perfection in technology. Hobbes looks at it and asks 'A water pistol'. Calvin tells him it's the new, improved version of the transmogrifier. Now you just point at whatever you want to transmogrify. Calvin gives an example of not liking the color of your bedspread and presto, it's an iguana. Hobbes can imagine the myriad of uses of a hand-held iguana maker."
"How does the transmogrifier gun know what to transmogrify something into? Telepathy. The gun automatically reads the brain waves you emit, and turns the object into whatever you want. That's amazing. Well, it took me all morning to invent. So say I'm thinking about a big slab of grilled tuna now. Watch where you're pointing that! Watch where you're pointing that! Hobbes asks how the gun knows what to transmogrify things into. Calvin replies 'telepathy'. The gun reads brain waves and turns the object into whatever you want. Calvin says it took him all morning to invent. Hobbes points the gun at Calvin. He says he's thinking about a big slab or grilled tuna. Calvin yells for him to watch where he's pointing the gun."
"Ok, let's test this transmogrifier gun. I want to be a pterodactyl, so you think of one and point the transmogrifier at me. This will be great. I'll terrorize the neighborhood awhile and then you can transmogrify me back to a boy when the national guard comes. What's a pterodactyl? Some kind of bug? No, no! it's a big flying dinosaur! Don't shoot me if you don't know what it is!! Calvin wants to test the transmogrifier gun. He wants Hobbes to think of a pterodactyl. Calvin says he'll terrorize the neighborhood for awhile. Then, Hobbes can change him back into a boy when the National Guard comes."
"A chicken?? You transmogrified me into a chicken! You were supposed to turn me into a pterodactyl, you nincompoop! All you had to do was think of a pterodactyl! Why did you think of a chicken? It's almost lunchtime. Oh, I see well I'm glad you weren't hungry for a hotdog! Hobbes changes Calvin into a chicken. Calvin yells at Hobbes. He was supposed to change him into a pterodactyl. Calvin, the chicken, asks why he thought of a chicken instead of a pterodactyl. Hobbes says it was because it was almost lunchtime. Calvin continues to badger Hobbes by saying that he's glad Hobbes wasn't hungry for a hot dog."
"Here's the transmogrifier gun. Now try again, and do it right. I want to be pterodactyl. Ok, here you go. Well, now that's more like it. Say when did you turn yourself into a 200-foot-tall colossus? I didn't why? Calvin, the chicken, gives the gun back to Hobbes and tells him to try again. He says he wants to be a pterodactyl. ZAP! Calvin proudly looks at himself. He says that's more like it. We see Calvin as a minuscule pterodactyl next to Hobbes. Calvin asks when Hobbes turned himself into a 200-foot-tall colossus. Hobbes says he didn't, why?"
"You transmogrified me into a tiny pterodactyl?? Big dinosaurs give me the willies. You numbskull! How am I goinig to terrorize the neighborhood like this?? My, aren't you the cranky one today? By golly, I'll show you! Ha ha! serves you right! You, my friend just made a big mistake. Now Calvin complains that he's a tiny pterodactyl. Hobbes says big dinosaurs give him the willies. Calvin asks how he's going to terrorize the neighborhood like that. Hobbes accuses him of being cranky today. Calvin grabs the gun and says he'll show Hobbes. ZAP! Hobbes, the duck, says Calvin just made a big mistake."
"There! Now we're both transmogrified. We're even! Even?? We would be even only if turning a tiger into a duck was an improvement. This wasn't at all what I had in mind when I asked you to transmogrify me into a pterodactyl. Pterodactyls are big! So you turned me into a duck. Is that it? Fair's fair. Ok, I'll take the transmogrifier and fix you up right. Zap! Why you gimmie that gun! Thbbt! Zap! An insult! This is worse than before!! Zap! Zap! Zap! Great, just great. Which one of us is Calvin and which is Hobbes, huh? Well I hope Calvin is you, because his mom's going to have a fit when she sees this. They bicker with each other. Hobbes grabs the transmogrifier gun and says he'll fix Calvin up right. ZAP! He turns Calvin into a big pig. Outraged, Calvin turns Hobbes into a monkey. Insulted, Hobbes zaps Calvin into a flower. Hobbes gets zapped into being an alligator. ZAP! Calvin is now an aardvark. Much later, they rest. Calvin is an owl, and Hobbes is a purple monster. The owl can't remember who is who. The purple monster tells him he hopes Calvin is the owl, because his Mom is going to have a fit when she sees this."
"Look, I'll transmogrify you back to a tiger if you transmogrify me back to a kid, ok? Ok. Zap! Ahh, that's much better. Now do me. Click ... click ... click. What's wrong?? I'm not transmogrifying! Boy, I'm glad we did me first. They agree to change each other back to their original selves. Calvin, the owl, zaps the purple monster back into Hobbes. Hobbes points the gun at Calvin and....click...click...click. Calvin says he's not changing. Hobbes is glad they did him first."
"What's wrong with the transmogrifier? Why won't it work?? You invented it. You tell me. Don't tell me I'm stuck as an owl for the rest of my life! I think owls mostly eat mice. I suppose we could catch some in the yard. This is awful! What am I going to do?! Uggh, I could never eat a mouse raw. Their little feet are probably real cold going down. Will you forget the stupid mice and help me think? I wonder if pet stores will sell you a mouse if you know you're going to eat it? Calvin wonders why it won't work. Hobbes says that since Calvin invented it, he should tell Hobbes. Calvin worries about being stuck as an owl. Hobbes figures they can catch mice in the back yard for Calvin to eat. Calvin wonders what he'll do. Hobbes goes on to say he couldn't eat a mouse raw. He thinks their little feet are real cold going down. Calvin yells for Hobbes to forget about the mice and help him think. Hobbes scratches his head and wonders if a pet store will sell you a mouse if they know you're going to eat it."
"Hi, mom, I'm an owl. You don't look like a very happy owl. Nope. I'm not. Maybe some lunch would help. I doubt it. I don't like mice. This is soup. Is it mouse soup? I don't like mice. I heard you. It's tomato."
"What am I going to do Hobbes? I can't be an own forever! How am I going to transmogrify back into a kid when the transmogrifier is broken? Maybe you should just learn to accept this predicament. It's not so bad being an owl instead of a kid. Actually it's probably better. Better?? How? Well I never quite knew how to say this before, but little boys don't smell so good. Calvin is complaining that he can't be an owl forever. He asks Hobbes how he'll change back with the transmogrifier gun broken. Hobbes suggests he should just accept the predicament. He says it's probably better Calvin is an owl instead of a kid. Calvin shouts and wonders how it could be better. Hobbes tells him he didn't know how to bring it up before, but little boys don't smell so good."
"I've got to go to school tomorrow morning! What will the kids say if I'm an owl?! Oh, no. I'm doomed! I'm doomed! Since when do owls go to school? Zip-a-dee-doo-dah. My oh my, what a wonderful day! Calvin is worried about going to school as an owl. He covers his head with his wings and says he's doomed. Hobbes asks since when do owls go to school. Calvin thinks and breaks out into a chorus of 'Zip-a-dee-doo-dah, zip-a-dee-ay, my oh my, what a wonderful day'."
"Time to get up, Calvin. You don't want to miss the school bus. I'm not going to school, Mom. I'm an owl. No, you're not. Now get up and get dressed. I'm not an owl? I'm not! I'm me again! The transmogrification must only be temporary! It wore off overnight! I'm a kid! I can ... go to school. Yawwwnnn ... keep the shade down when you go, ok? Mom tells Calvin to get up from bed. He's going to be late for school. Calvin says he's not going to school, since he's an owl. Mom disagrees and tells Calvin to get dressed. Calvin sees he's not an owl. He says the transmogrification must be temporary. He's back to being a kid. Hooray! Except that means, he can go to school. Hobbes tells him to keep the shade down when he goes."
"No text Calvin is getting dressed to go outside. He puts his scarf on, his jacket, hat and boots. Out the door he goes. He stops, comes back in. He takes off his hat, scarf, jacket and boots. Into the bathroom he goes."
"Ding dong. I'll get it. Hobbes quick, close the curtains and help me prop furniture against the door! It's Rosalyn! The doorbell rings, and Calvin comes down the stairs to get it. He peeks out the window, then turns in horror. He calls for Hobbes to help him close the curtains and prop furniture against the door....it's Rosalyn."
Dad! Dad! Where do you keep your guns? Get out the magnum! I don't have any guns. What's the problem? Rosalyn's here and she won't go away! Why on earth don't you have any guns? Your mom and I are going out. Rosalyn is here to baby-sit. Don't you remember? I told you that this morning? You just don't pay attention. That's why you never know what's going on. How about a wooden stake and a mallet? Do we have that?! Calvin asks Dad where he keeps his guns. Dad doesn't have any and wonders what the problem is. Calvin tells him Rosalyn is there and won't leave. Dad tells Calvin that he and Mom are going out. Mom reminds Calvin she told him that morning. Calvin asks if they have a wooden stake and a mallet.
"Can you believe it, Hobbes? Mom and Dad asked Rosalyn to baby-sit us? There's just one thing to do. We'll mail ourselves to Australia. Climb in. just put us out by the mailbox, Mom. Stop being silly, Calvin. Where's Rosalyn? I thought you said she was here. As far as I know she's still on the front porch why? You didn't let her in?! ding dong. Calvin grabs a box. He and Hobbes crawl in and address the box to Australia. They tell Mom to put them outside by the mailbox. Mom tells him not to be so silly. Mom asks where Rosalyn is, since Calvin was saying she was there. Calvin tells Mom that as far as he knows, she's still on the front porch. Mom yells at Calvin for not even letting her in, as the doorbell rings several times."
"Come in, Rosalyn! I'm sorry! We didn't realize Calvin hadn't let you in. That's ok. It wasn't too cold and wet out. We're late, help yourself to anything in the fridge. We'll see you at ten. The door was jammed. Really. I couldn't get it open. Bed. Mom opens the door and apologizes to Rosalyn. Rosalyn says it wasn't too wet and cold outside. Mom and Dad are running late, so they tell Rosalyn to help herself to anything in the fridge. Dripping wet, Rosalyn looks down at Calvin. Calvin says the door was jammed, and he couldn't get it open. Rosalyn tells him to go to bed."
"Hey, don't fix that for dinner! Didn't Mom tell you Hobbes and I are on a strict Big Mac diet? It's doctor's orders! Oh, I'd better call your doctor then! Oh, no she called my bluff! The doctor's gonna be furious! Boy, are we going to get ti! We? I'm dialing! Hello, doctor? I'm calling about Calvin's dietary needs. ... at the tone, the time will be 6:27 and 10 seconds. Beep. Bad news, Calvin. Your doctor says you should have a spoonful of castor oil and lie down all evening. He did? Really? No, he didn't. did he? What's castor oil? Calvin tells Rosalyn that he's on a strict Big Mac diet, doctor's orders. Rosalyn says she better call the doctor. Calvin is worried that Rosalyn will call the doctor and find he's lying. Rosalyn pretends to call the doctor's office and asks about Calvin's dietary needs. Rosalyn tells Calvin the doctor says he should have a spoonful of castor oil and lie down all evening. Calvin is glad the doctor wasn't angry, but he doesn't know what castor oil is."
"Mom doesn't set the table this way. Mom does it a lot better. This food smells funny. This isn't the way Mom fixes it. I like the way Mom does it better. I'm not your mom, all right?!? No kidding! My mom loves me more than life itself, and she lets me do anything I want. Not like you, you nasty ol' barracuda. I can't believe I postponed a date for this. Calvin complains about the way Rosalyn set the table for dinner. The food smells funny, and it isn't fixed the way Mom does it. He likes the way Mom does it better. Rosalyn yells to Calvin that she's not his Mom. Calvin says Mom loves him more than life itself. She lets him do whatever he wants. Calvin calls Rosalyn a nasty ol' barracuda. Rosalyn can't believe she postponed a date for this."
"My dad is a big ... hey! I think we'd better get that kid to a psychologist. Calvin is busily making snowmen in the yard. Calvin finishes them and leaves. Mom and Dad go out to the car, only to find three snowmen looking at the broken body of a fourth. Calvin built them in front on the car, to make it look like the car hit the snowman."
"I'll get it. I think it's for me. Hello? Hi Charlie, thanks for calling. Yeah, this little freaks driving me up the wall ... what? No. Charlie, this is Calvin on the other phone! Listen to me! Your girlfriend's a sadistic kidhater! Don't ever marry her! She'd be a terrible mother! She, uh oh. Gotta go! After Charlie dumps you, he'll thank me! The phone rings, and Rosalyn answers it. It's her boyfriend, Charlie. She starts telling him Calvin is driving her up the wall. Calvin gets on the upstairs extension and tells Charlie that Rosalyn is a sadistic kid-hater. He warns Charlie not to marry her, she'd be a terrible mother. Calvin, after being sent to bed, yells that after Charlie dumps her, he'll thank Calvin."
"Rosalyn sent us to bed and it's not even our bedtime yet! We've got to escape. Here's the plan: you start moaning, and when Rosalyn comes in. I'll throw this blanket over her. We'll tie her up and make our getaway, got it? Got it. Mrowryowowwrrr. Rosalyn, come quick! There's something wrong with Hobbes! Right, Calvin. What should I do, call a vet? No, just come up here and close your eyes. Calvin wants to escape. He's been sent to bed before Calvin's normal bedtime. Calvin hatches a plan to have Hobbes moan. When Rosalyn comes in, he'll throw a blanket over her. They'll tie her up and make their escape. Hobbes starts howling. Calvin yells down to Rosalyn that something is wrong with Hobbes. She asks if she should call the vet. Calvin says no, but she should come upstairs and close her eyes."
"We're home! Hi, Rosalyn. How was Calvin tonight? Oh, that bad, eh? And a five dollar advance on the next time. Here you are. Good night, thanks again. She's got a real racket going, doesn't she? What do you want to do, stay home ever night until Calvin's eighteen? Mom and Dad return home. Mom asks how Calvin was that evening. Rosalyn is standing with arms crossed and a scowl on her face. Mom pays Rosalyn and thanks her. She gives a five dollar advance on the next time. Dad comments that Rosalyn has a nice racket going. Mom asks if he'd rather stay home every night until Calvin's eighteen."
"Hey, Calvin, guess what we're doing in gym today. We're wrestling! Next period you'll be so covered with mat burns you'll need skin grafts! Ha ha ha! See ya then, twinky. Sighhhh. Physical education is what you learn from having your face in someone's armpit right before lunch. Moe tells Calvin they're wrestling in gym class. Moe tells him he'll be so covered in mat burns that he'll need skin grafts. Calvin sighs and walks away. He says physical education is what you learn from having your face in someone's armpit right before lunch."
"Kapwinggg! It's Calvin, the human light particle! In the blink of an eye, he's 165,000 miles away! Nothing in the universe is faster than Calvin! I hope! It's Calvin, the human light particle. Nothing in the universe is faster than Calvin, he hopes. Mom chases Calvin, with an angry look on her face."
"Much as I love my Chocolate Frosted Crunchy Sugar Bombs. The best part is after the cereal is gone. That's when you eat all the leftover milk that's all sludgy from the extra sugar you added. Sometimes I eat two or three bows of this. I can hear your heart racing from here. They make this cereal with marshmallow bits, too, but Mom won't buy it for me. Calvin is eating his 'Chocolate Frosted Crunchy Sugar Bombs'. He tells Hobbes that as much as he likes the cereal, he enjoys the sludgy milk from adding sugar more. He says he sometimes eats two or three bowls of it. Hobbes tells Calvin he can hear his heart racing from where he stands. Calvin adds that they make that cereal with marshmallow bits, but Mom won't buy it."
"It's freezing upstairs! Can I take some logs up to my room? Hey, you're on my side of the bed. These sheets are freezing! Yeah, well aaughh! Your feet are like ice! Get away from me! But my side's all cold! Well, don't get me cold! Move over. Sure, you've got a fur coat! I'm just wearing pajamas. Quit pulling the blankets, willya? I hardly have any, you hot! Gimmie those! You're letting in cold air! Quit it! Quit it! Serves you right, Mr. Mosty-Toasty! See what it's like being cold! Yaaaah!! Eat feathers, fuzz ball! Move over. You're getting my side all hot. Open the window, I'm roasting. Calvin can't get to sleep because the sheets are cold. Calvin bumps into Hobbes, who yells that his feet are like ice. Calvin says his side of the bed is cold, but Hobbes doesn't want his side cold, too. Calvin complains that Hobbes has a fur coat. They fight over the blankets. Hobbes complains that Calvin is letting cold air in. Calvin thinks that serves him right. They fight with each other. Finally, they both lie on top the sheets panting. Hobbes tells Calvin he's getting his side hot and to move over. Calvin tells Hobbes to open the window since he's roasting."