"It's freezing in this house! Somebody crank up the thermostat! Why doesn't someone make a fire?! If we can't afford to heat this place, maybe dad should get a better job! Why can't we move to Florida?! Calvin, pipe down and put on a sweater if you're cold. And go to all that trouble?! Calvin yells that it's freezing in the house, and that someone should turn up the thermostat. He keeps ranting that Dad should get a better job if they can't afford to heat the house. Maybe they should move to Florida. Someone tells him to pipe down. He should put on a sweater if he's cold. Calvin complains that he shouldn't have to go to all that trouble."
"I read that the average household watches 7.5 hours of TV every day. Mom says she doesn't watch TV at all while I'm at school. So if we get home at 3:00, I should be able to watch it straight 'till 10:30, right? Wrong. Do you want us to be sub-average?! Calvin mentions to Dad that the average family watches 7 1/2 hours of TV a day. He mentions that Mom said she doesn't watch TV while he's at school. So, Calvin figures if he gets home at 3:00, he can watch TV straight through until 10:30. Dad says 'wrong'. Calvin asks if Dad wants them to be sub-average."
"Mom, the washer is done. Ok. Aren't you going to put the wash in the dryer? In a minute. You mean you are just going to let it sit in the washing machine?!? Calvin, can't you see I'm busy right now?? She says she's busy. I hope the next time she takes a bath there aren't any towels. Calvin tells Mom the wash machine is done. He asks if she is going to put the wash in the dryer. She says she will. Calvin continues to ask if she's going to let it sit in the wash machine. Mom yells that she's busy right now. Calvin goes over to Hobbes, who is in the wash machine. Calvin tells him that Mom is busy. Hobbes hopes the next time she takes a bath, there aren't any towels."
"Two parts slush, one part solid ice, one part hard-packed snow a dash of assorted debris. Sculpt into a sphere, and serve at high velocity without warning. Oh, boy, here comes Susie! Hey, Susie! Whap! Ha ha! I gotcha, you dumb girl!! Aughh! My eyeball! Where's my eyeball! What are you talking about? I hit you in the back. It knocked my eyeball out! Find it and pack it in snow so they can save it. Ooh. Ooh. Gosh, did you really lose your eyeball? I didn't know they came out! Wow. I'm really sorry. I didn't mean to knock it out. Can I see the socket? Boy, where do you suppose it rolled. Somewhere over there, poop head!! Boot! What are you doing? My eyeball fell out. Help me look for it. Calvin hides behind a tree and throws a snowball at Susie. It hits her in the back of the head. Calvin gloats over having hit her. Susie complains that it knocked her eyeball out. She tells Calvin to find it, so they can pack it in snow and save it. Calvin apologizes. He didn't know eyeballs could come out. He wants to see her eye socket. He's looking in the snow and asks if she knows where it rolled. Susie kicks Calvin into the snow. She had been faking all along. Hobbes comes by to see Calvin face down in the snow. He asks Calvin what he's doing. Calvin tells him his eyeball fell out and wants Hobbes to help him look for it."
"Who's coming to visit? Your Uncle Max. I thought I told you. Uncle Max?? I don't remember any Uncle Max. Are you sure he's related? Maybe he's a con man trying to swindle us! Of course he's related. He's your dad's brother. He just hasn't been here for a few years. Why not? Was he in jail? No! good heavens, Calvin. Now, now ... with Max, that's not a bad guess. Calvin asks Mom who's coming to visit. Mom tells him Uncle Max. Calvin doesn't remember him and wonders if he's a con man trying to swindle them. Mom says he's Dad's brother and hasn't been to visit for a few years. Calvin wonders if he was in jail. Mom tells him no, but Dad says that with Max, that's not a bad guess."
"We're getting near the airport, Calvin. See the jets? How come you're so quiet back there? Aren't you excited to see Uncle Max? Yeah. I just hope nobody thinks I'm giving up my room while he's here. The family is going to the airport to pick up Uncle Max. Dad asks whether Calvin sees the jets. There's no answer. Dad asks why Calvin is being so quiet. Isn't he excited to see Uncle Max. Calvin says he is, but after sitting for a second adds that he hopes nobody thinks he's giving up his room while Uncle Max is visiting."
"It's great to see you, Max! It seems like ages since you've been here. I'll say. I didn't think it had been so long, until I saw Calvin. This guy has really grown. So kid, what do you say? I say you'd better watch your step, 'cause I've got a live, man-eating tiger at home, and if I so much as wink, he'll rip your lungs out. cute kid, bro. The family picks Max up at the airport. Max comments that he didn't think it had been so long, but seeing Calvin showed him. Calvin has grown so much. Max asks Calvin 'what do you say'. Calvin replies that he has a live man-eating tiger at home and will rip Max's lungs out if Calvin so much as winks."
"And this is my room, Uncle Max. I don't know where you're sleeping, but it sure isn't here. Gotcha, nice room. This is Hobbes. I wouldn't get too close if I was you. Don't worry he looks like a fierce one. Yep. Mandibles of death, that's what he's got. And a killer's yee. You can tell. I think I'll go downstairs. Ol' Uncle Max seems pretty sharp. Hard to believe he's related to dad. A killer's eye, he said. Wow! I wonder which one! Calvin shows Uncle Max his room. Calvin mentions he doesn't know where Max is sleeping, but it isn't here. Max understands. Calvin shows Hobbes to Max and warns him not to get too close. Max agrees and says he can tell Hobbes is a fierce one. Calvin tells him Hobbes has mandibles of death. Max adds that Hobbes has a killer's eye, you can tell. He goes downstairs. Calvin thinks Uncle Max is pretty sharp. He finds it hard to believe Max is related to Dad."
"Hey! Hey, kid, what are you doing?! I'm going through your luggage. What's it look like I'm doing? Did mommy and daddy raise you themselves, or did they just untie you for my visit? Didn't you bring me a present? I can't find one anywhere. Max comes into his room to see Calvin doing something. Max asks what he's doing. Calvin looks at all the stuff from the luggage lying on the floor. He tells Max he's looking through his luggage. He asks what it looks like he's doing. Max wants to know if Mom and Dad raised him themselves or if they untied Calvin for the visit. Calvin asks if Max brought him a present, since he can't find one anywhere."
"Is this my place? Can't I sit over there? I want to sit next to Uncle Max. Can I? Please? Please? Ok, go ahead. Move your chair over. You should be flattered, Max. Calvin asked to sit by you tonight. Hey, that's sweet. Calvin asks if he can sit by Max at the dinner table. Mom agrees. She tells Max he should be flattered that Calvin asked to sit by him. Max says that's sweet. When Max sits down, a noise comes out. Calvin apparently put a whoopee cushion on Max's chair. Calvin laughs hysterically while Mom covers her face with her hands."
"I've got to go in. Another five minutes out here, and I'll be frozen solid. Ooh, I hope that was no one I knew. You looked pretty cold coming up the hill, so I fixed you some hot chocolate and crackers with peanut butter. Go wrap up in a blanket and take these in front of the fire. Here's Hobbes and a comic book. Getting toasty? Uh huh. Thanks. She even put marshmallows in the chocolate. Nobody knows how to pamper like a mom. So are you going to eat all those peanut butter crackers yourself, or what? Calvin comes in from the snow. Mom fixed him some hot chocolate and crackers with peanut butter. She tells him to wrap up with a blanket and to take the food in front of the fireplace. She brings Hobbes and some comic books. After Mom leaves, Calvin notices she even put marshmallows in the hot chocolate. He says 'nobody knows how to pamper like a Mom'. Hobbes wants to know if Calvin is going to eat all those peanut butter crackers himself, or what."
"Do you have any kids Uncle Max? Me? Nope, I'm not even married. Oh. What difference does that make? Kid watches a lot of TV does he? Calvin asks if Uncle Max has any kids. Max tells him no, he isn't even married. Calvin asks what difference that makes. Max suggests Calvin watches a lot of TV."
"Boy, Calvin takes that stuffed tiger everywhere he goes. Yeah, they're inseparable. Do you worry about that? I mean, shouldn't he be playing with real friends? Oh, I think he will when he's ready. Didn't you ever have an imaginary friend? Sometimes I think all my friends have been imaginary. Max is talking to Mom as they do the dishes. Max notices that Calvin takes Hobbes everywhere. Mom agrees that they're inseparable. Max asks if she worries that Calvin isn't playing with real friends. Mom says she figures he will when he's ready. She asks if Max ever had an imaginary friend. Max laments that sometimes he thinks all his friends have been imaginary."
"Uncle max, look! I'll show you a magic disappearing trick! Ok, first I'll need an ordinary twenty dollar bill. How about if I lend you a nickel instead? No, it works much better with a twenty, or a fifty, if you have one. I take it you think your ol' Uncle Max is a low-watt bulb. Why, did Dad tell you how this works? Calvin offers to show Max a magic disappearing trick. Calvin explains that he'll need a twenty-dollar bill. Max offers a nickel instead. Calvin says it works better with a twenty or a fifty, if he has one. Max crouches down by Calvin and tells him he must think ol' Uncle Max is a low-watt bulb. Calvin asks if Dad told him how this works."
"When are you going back home, Uncle Max? Tomorrow. Is that soon enough? Gee, I wish you could stay forever. What a nice thing to say! You're all right, Calvin. Mom's a lot more patient with me in front of guests. Calvin asks Uncle Max when he's going home. Max tells him tomorrow. Calvin says he wishes Max could stay forever. Max says that's a nice thing to say and says Calvin is alright. Calvin says Mom is a lot more patient with him in front of guests."
"Well, so long, Max. It was great to see you again. You too. Have a safe trip home. Come visit me sometime ok, fella? Heck, I'll come right now! So long, Mom! Bye, Dad! Calvin, get back here! I never get to do anything fun. Missed your chance dear. We could've bought him a ticket. Well."
"Are you just going to stay inside all day? You should go play outside and get some fresh air! Calvin and Hobbes are sitting on the floor playing checkers. Dad asks if he's just going to sit inside all day. Dad tells Calvin he should go outside to play and to get some fresh air. Calvin and Hobbes get bundled up, go outside, and sit on the ground playing checkers."
"Seven, eight, nine, net! That's my square! Ha ha! you owe me money! Uh eleven! Just a minute! What are you doing? You can't just take money from the bank! You've got hotels on every piece of property you own. I can't afford to pay you, so I'm sticking up the bank, it's a robbery! You can't do that! I'm the banker, right? Am I going my life over a few thousands dollars? The rules don't say you can rob the bank. That's cheating. Do the rules say you can't rob the bank? Huh? Do they? Just roll the dice and accept this is a tragic turn of events, ok? Ok, if that's how we're playing, then I'm robbing you! Ha! I'll steal your deeds to Park Place and Boardwalk! Yeah? Well, I'm taking all the houses and hotels, and putting them on Baltic. Where you just landed! You owe me $250,000! That's what you think you, you. Isn't it cute how Calvin plays both sides of Monopoly with his stuffed tiger? I dunno, I overheard him using words he didn't learn in this household. Hobbes is playing Monopoly with Calvin. Hobbes tells Calvin he can't just take money from the bank. Calvin explains that Hobbes has hotels on all his properties, so Calvin can't afford to pay him. Calvin is robbing a bank. Hobbes tells him he can't do that. Calvin replies he's the banker, and he's not going to risk his life for a couple thousand dollars. Hobbes shows the rules don't say you can rob the bank. Calvin retorts the rules don't show that you can't. He tells Hobbes to just roll the dice and accept this tragic turn of events. Hobbes says if that's how Calvin's going to play, Hobbes will rob Calvin. Calvin steals the deeds to Boardwalk and Park Place. Hobbes angrily takes all the houses and hotels and puts them on Baltic Avenue, where Calvin landed. Calvin owes Hobbes $250,000. In the other room, Mom comments how cute it is that Calvin plays both sides of the Monopoly board. Dad isn't so sure. He's heard Calvin using words he didn't learn in their household."
"Aaghh, I can't believe we were assigned to do a report together. All I can say is you'd better do a great job! I don't want to flunk just because I was assigned a doofus for a partner. A doofus?? Who takes her sandwiches apart and eats each ingredient separately? What's wrong with that? It certifies you as a grade a nimrod. It does not! Calvin can't believe he has to do an assignment with Susie. Susie warns him about doing a great job. She doesn't want to flunk because she got a doofus for a partner. Calvin reminds her that she picks her sandwiches apart and eats the ingredients separately. Susie wants to know what's wrong with that. Calvin says that makes her a grade 'A' nimrod. Susie yells that it does not."
"Ok, look. We've got to do this dumb project together, so we might as well get it over with. What are we supposed to be doing? Weren't you even paying attention. What would you do if I wasn't here to ask? You'd flunk and be sent back to kindergarten, that's what! Says you! I heard that sometimes kids don't pay attention because the class goes at too slow a pace for them. Some of us are too smart for the class. Oh, right. You're too smart. Believe it, lady. You know how Einstein got bad grades as a kid? Well, mine are even worse! Calvin suggests that since they have to work together, they might as well get it done. He asks what they're supposed to be doing. Susie yells at him for not paying attention. She tells him that if she wasn't there to ask, he'd flunk and be sent back to kindergarten. Calvin replies that some kids do poorly because the class is too slow, that the kid is too smart for the class. Susie rolls her eyes and says 'Oh, right. You're too smart'. Calvin goes on to point out that Einstein got bad grades in school, and Calvin's are even worse than his."
"So what are we supposed to be doing? We're supposed to be researching the planet Mercury. So what have we found out? nothing! I'm not going to do this whole thing myself! You'd probably goof it all up if you did. Let's get started. Yes! Let's! I'll be the management, and you can be the labor. First, get some books. Does anyone want to trade partners? Calvin and Susie are in the library. Susie tells him they're supposed to be researching the planet Mercury. Calvin wants to know what they've found out. Susie replies 'nothing'. She has no intention of doing all the work. Calvin figures she'd probably goof it all up if she did everything. Calvin wants to be management, with Susie being labor. He tells her to get some books. Susie shouts out to see if anyone wants to trade partners."
"What are you doing?! You're doodling! You're sitting here drawing martians when we're supposed to be researching! You haven't done anything yet! Don't you care?? What's the matter with you?! It's no use! We're going to flunk! I'll have to go to a second-rate college because my idiot partner spent the study period drawing martians! Why me? Why me? Why me? Here, this will cheer you up. The martian moves when you flip the pages! Watch, you can see him eat an astronaut! Susie catches Calvin drawing pictures of Martians instead of doing their paper. Susie can't believe that Calvin doesn't care. He's done nothing on the paper. Susie laments that she'll flunk and have to attend a second-rate college because her idiot partner was drawing Martians. Susie cries out 'Why me'. Calvin tries to make her feel better by showing her that the Martian moves when you flip the pages."
"Look, bird brain, you wasted the entire week in the library. We have to give our report on Monday. You'd better bust your butt over the weekend, or I'm telling the teacher you didn't do any work. Got it? ... well, what do you say?! Am I getting through to you?! This is important! Gronk! Gribble gok! Gak gork! Goonk!! Our hero regards the strange alien. ... it seems to be trying to communicate. Susie warns Calvin their paper is due on Monday. He's goofed around all week. Susie tells him she'll let the teacher know she did all the work if he doesn't do his part over the weekend. Susie asks if she's getting through to him. Spaceman Spiff says the alien seems to be trying to communicate."
"Calvin, telephone! Why aren't you at the library?!? Calvin is out sledding. He's called to the telephone. He runs in, takes off his boots, and picks up the phone. Susie yells at him 'Why aren't you at the library'."
"Planet Bog - pools of toxic chemicals buble under a choking atmosphere of poisonous gases. ... but aside from that it's not much like Earth. We find Spaceman Spiff struggling across the terrain of distant planet! Suddenly the ground begins to shake! A cloud of dust appears on the horizon! It's a Zorg!! Our hero runs for cover, but the Zorg is instantly upon him! Spiff fires his blaster, but the weapon is useless agains the monster! The fearless space explorer is taken to the Zorg's cave, where he discovers a vat of boiling water! Oh no! our hero is about to be cooked alive! Spiff's mind races furiously. Well? Get in. Don't you want to lean way, way over, and test how hot the water is? Spaceman Spiff walks along the planet's terrain. The ground begins to shake. It's a Zorg. Spiff runs for cover, but the Zorg is upon him. The blaster has no effect. Spiff is taken to the Zorg's cave, where there is a vat of boiling water. He's about to be cooked alive. Mom tells Calvin to get into the bathtub. Calvin asks if she doesn't want to lean way, way over and test how hot the water is."
"We have to give our report on planet Mercury today. Did you do your half? Of course I did. And I'll bet my half makes your half look pathetic. It had better be good ... or else! The planet Mercruy. An exhaustively researched report by Calvin. Susie reminds Calvin they do their report today. She asks if he did his half. Calvin indignantly replies that he did. He's sure his half will make Susie's half look pathetic. She warns him 'It had better be good...or else'. Calvin sits down and starts to write his report. He titles it 'The Planet Mercury - an exhaustively researched report by Calvin'."
"... and so, the planet Mercury is a hot and barren world, the closest to our sun. And to tell us about the mythology of mercury, here's my partner Calvin. Thank you, thank you! Hey, what a crowd! You look great this morning ... really, I mean that! Go on, give yourselves a hand! You know, a funny thing happened on the way to the library yesterday ... This isn't my fault, Miss Wormwood! Susie finishes her part of the report and tells the class Calvin will talk about the mythology of Mercury. Calvin thanks the crowd, says they look good, tells them to give themselves a hand. He then tells the class a funny thing happened to him on the way to the library. Susie yells to Miss Wormwood that this isn't her fault."
"The planet Mercury was named after a roman god with winged feet. Mercury was the god of flowers and bouquets, which is why today he is a registered trademark of FTD florists. Why they named a planet after this guy. I can't imagine. ... um back to you, Susie. Calvin tells the class the planet Mercury was named after a Roman god with winged feet. He says Mercury was the god of flowers and bouquets. That's why he's the registered trademark of FTD florists. Calvin offers that he"
"Boy, you should've seen the sparks fly when I gave my half of the report. I've never seen Susie so mad. She accused me of not doing my research and claimed I made up the whole thing. Did you? Heck, no. I just took a few creative liberties. And they called your mom over a few creative liberties? Geez, you think Susie was mad. Calvin tells Hobbes sparks flew when he did his presentation. Calvin has never seen Susie that mad. He tells Hobbes she accused him of not doing research and making up the whole thing. Hobbes asks if that's what he did. Calvin says he only took a few creative liberties. Hobbes wonders why Mom was called for a few creative liberties."
"Don't you hate it when your boogers freeze? Calvin goes outside into the cold. He gets a funny look on his face. He grabs his nose. He asks 'Don't you hate it when your boogers freeze'."