"Did you see we have a substitute teacher today? Oh, no! that can only mean our real teacher rocketed back to Saturn to report to her superiors! They're trying to subvert us little kids with subliminal messages in our text books, telling us to turn in our parents when the Saturnians attack! Earth will be rendered helpless! I think one of us has been eating too much paste in art class. I'm to smart for them though! I don't read my assignments! Susie tells Calvin they have a substitute teacher today. Horrified, Calvin says that must mean their real teacher rocketed back to Saturn to report to her superiors. Calvin warns that they are trying to subvert little kids with subliminal messages in the textbooks that tell them to turn in their parents when the Saturnians attack. The earth will be rendered helpless. Susie thinks one of them has been eating too much paste in art class. Calvin proudly says he's too smart for them. He doesn't read his assignments."
"Behold the terrible thunder lizard, Tyrannosaurus Rex! The fiercest dinosaur of all, he is twenty tons of bone crushing muscle and razor sharp teeth! Always the victor, he lets out a triumphant roar!"
"I juth hade it whed thith happedth. Calvin gets ready for a big sneeze. Just before it happens, it stops. Calvin gets an odd look on his face. He says 'I juth hade it whed thith happedth'."
"Calvin the criminal is about to face justice! Angry throngs turn out to watch his execution! As he is led up the gallows, he reflects upon his many heinous crimes. He is not repentant! The noose is put around his neck and tightened! This is the end! Gackk! Urrgh! Oh, nock it off. Some of us have to wear a tie every day. Calvin, the criminal, is about to face justice. Angry throngs turn out to watch his execution. He's led up the gallows, and he reflects on his heinous crimes. He is unrepentent. The noose is placed around his neck. This is the end. Calvin acts like he's choking as Dad tightens his necktie. Dad tells him to knock it off. Some people have to wear a tie every day."
"How was the kiddy matinee movie? Movie? Oh, yeah, the movie. Yeah, there was a movie, it was ok I guess. How was the matinee? We are buying a video player. Dad asks Calvin how the kiddie matinee was. Calvin vaguely remembers the movie. He thinks it was okay. Mom comes walking in with her hair messed up and eyes looking weary. Dad asks Mom how the matinee was. She grabs Dad by the collar, grits her teeth, and tells him they are going to buy a video player."
"That sigh ought to get me out of a few years purgatory. Hobbes is curled up, sleeping contentedly. Calvin comes up to him. He scratches Hobbes' back, rubs his tummy, then scratches his back some more. Hobbes lets out a contented sound and gets a big smile on his face. Calvin figures that ought to get him out of a few years in purgatory."
"Open your moth and close your eyes, and you'll get a big surprise. Ready? Here it ... hey! You're peeking! What's the matter? Don't you trust your own kid?! C'mon, close your eyes! Uh oh, hang on, he got away. Calvin goes up to Dad with his hands clasped. He tells Dad to open his mouth, and close his eyes. He's going to get a big surprise. Dad opens his mouth, but peeks. Calvin notices and accuses Dad of not trusting his own kid. Calvin looks in his hands and tells Dad to hang on. Whatever he had in his hand got away."
Anything yet? Not one snowflake. Calvin dances back and forth. He asks Hobbes whether there is anything yet. Hobbes looks out the window and tells him there isn't one snowflake.
"Dear Santa. Attached is my Christmas list for this year. Last year I did not receive several items from my list. For your convenience, I have grouped those items together on page 12. Please check them carefully, and include them with the rest of my loot this year. That's the problem with this guy. He's gotten sloppy without any competition. Calvin is writing to Santa Claus. He tells Santa he didn't get several things from his list last year. For Santa's convenience, Calvin has grouped those items together on page 12. Calvin asks Santa to please check them carefully and include them with the rest of this year's loot. While Hobbes reads the note, Calvin tells him that Santa's gotten sloppy without competition."
"He sees when you're sleeping, he knows when you're awake. He knows if you've been bad or good, so be good for goodness sake! Click. Santa Claus: kindly old elf, or CIA spook? Calvin listens to the radio as it plays 'Santa Claus is Coming to Town'. Calvin turns the radio and offers the thought that Santa is either a kindly, old elf or a CIA spook."
"This Santa Claus stuff bothers me ... especially the judge and jury bit. Who appointed Santa? How do we know he is impartial? What criteria does he use for determining good and bad? And what about extenuating circumstances? Kids should have the benefit of legal counsel, don't you think? You're worried about the salamander incident, aren't you? Temporary insanity! That's all it was! Calvin tells Hobbes the Santa thing bothers him, especially the judge and jury bit. Calvin wants assurances Santa is impartial. He wonders what criteria Santa uses to determine good and bad. He asks about extenuating"
"They say Santa knows if you've been good or bad, but what if someone had been sort of both? I mean, suppose some kid tried to be good ... at least, well most of the time. But bad things inexplicably kept happening? Suppose some kid just had terrible luck, and he got blamed for lots of things he did only sort of on purpose. Who exactly might we be talking about? This is a purely hypothetical case, Mr. Smartypants. Calvin questions what Santa does when you've been both good and bad. He wonders what if a kid tried to do good, but bad things kept happening. What if a kid just had terrible luck and got blamed for things he only sort of did on purpose. Hobbes wants to know who they're talking about. Calvin says this is just a hypothetical case."
"Can we get this tree, Mom? Can we? I don't know Calvin. It's awfully expensive. Yeah, but just think how much loot would fit under it! Dad! Come bring in the Christmas tree Mom and I picked! It's a great one! This year I thought we'd just keep the tree in the garage. In the garage?! Sure. You can go out and look at it any time you like. And it saves all the trouble of decorating it. We're not going to decorate it?! Why bother? We just take it all down in two weeks, on Christmas day. If you get a present. If I get a present? You can take it out to the garage to open, and pretend the tree has lots of lights and ... Mommmmm! I know somebody who's going to get a lot of coal in his stocking buster. This season gets less jolly every year. Calvin excitedly tells Dad that he and Mom have picked a Christmas tree. He tells Dad to help bring it in. Dad tells him he thought they'd keep the tree in the garage this year. Dad continues that you can go out and look at it, and that saves the trouble of decorating it. Calvin can't believe they're not decorating the tree. Dad says they take it down in two weeks, so it's not worth the bother. He mentions that if Calvin gets a present......and Calvin is shocked to hear IF he gets A present. Dad continues ....you can take it to the garage and pretend the tree has lots of lights. Calvin runs off yelling for Mom. Mom points her finger into Dad's nose and tells him she knows somebody who's going to get a lump of coal in his stocking this year. Dad comments on the season getting less jolly every year."
"This whole Santa Claus thing just doesn't make sense. Why all the secrecy? Why all the mystery? If the guy exists, why doesn't he ever show himself and prove it? And if he doesn't exist, what's the meaning of all this? I dunno ... isn't this a religious holiday? Yeah, but actually, I've got the same questions about God. Calvin tells Hobbes the Santa Claus thing makes no sense. Calvin doesn't get the mystery, the secrecy. If Santa exists, why doesn't he show himself and prove it. If Santa doesn't exist, what's the meaning of all this. Hobbes doesn't know, but asks if this isn't a religious holiday. Calvin admits it is, but he says he has the same questions about God."
"Gosh, Hobbes, what if I don't get any presents this year because I doubted the existence of Santa? Suppose he's putting my name on the bad list right now! That would be awful! Personally, I'd think that if you weren't on the bad list all along, this wouldn't push you over. Thanks for the comfort, eggnog brain. See? See why you're on the bad list? Insults! Calvin questions whether he'll get any presents since he doubted the existence of Santa Claus. Calvin is concerned Santa might be putting his name on a 'bad' list right now. Hobbes offers that if Calvin wasn't on the 'bad' list all along, doubting Santa's existence wouldn't push him over. Calvin sarcastically thanks Hobbes for the comfort. Hobbes pleads that this is why he's on the 'bad' list...insults."
"Well, I've decided I do believe in Santa Claus, no matter how preposterous he sounds. What convinced you? A simple risk analysis. I want presents. Lots of presents. Why risk not getting them over a matter of believe? Heck, I'll believe anything they want. How cynically enterprising of you. It's the spirit of Christmas. Calvin decides to believe in Santa Claus, no matter how preposterous he sounds. Hobbes asks what convinced him. Calvin replies that it was a simple risk analysis. Calvin wants lots of presents. Calvin thinks it he shouldn't risk getting them over a matter of belief. He'll believe whatever they want. Hobbes comments on how cynically enterprising that is of Calvin. Calvin says 'It's the spirit of Christmas'."
"Psst! Are you awake? Of course. I haven't heard Santa yet, have you? Do you think he's coming? It's only 11:00. We maybe later on the route. Thump? Gasp, did you hear that? It's him! It's Santa! Shh! He's saying something! Slippin' rippin' dang fang rotten zarg barg-a-ding dong! Quiet dear! Calvin will hear you!"
"We got presents! Santa came! He came! He came! Oh, no it's not morning already? Well, technically yes ... Calvin and Hobbes tiptoe down the stairs. They look into the living room. They start cheering that they got presents, that Santa came. Dad grumbles about it not being morning already. Mom sleepily looks at the alarm clock and says that, technically, it was."
"Bath time, Calvin! Come on, let's just get it over with this time all right? Where are you? Let's go! She'll never look here. Calvin hears Mom yell that it's bath time. She yells for them to just get it over with. She looks for Calvin. Calvin lies on the bottom of the bathtub, saying she'll never look there."
"Here's a box of crayons. I need some illustrations for a story I'm writing. You can draw something besides tigers, can't you? Sure. Leopards, pumas, ocelots ... you name it. Here dad, read this story tonight. I wrote it and Hobbes illustrated it. Um, ok. The dad who lived to regret being mean to his kid. What are you pausing for? Keep reading. Barney's dad was really bad, so Barney hatched a plan. When his dad said 'Eat your peas!' Barney shouted 'No!' and ran. Barney tricked his mean ol' dad. And locked him in the cellar. His mom never found out where he'd gone. 'Cause Barney didn't tell her. There his dad spent his life. Eating mice and gruel. With every bite for fifty years he was sorry he'd been cruel. The end. You know how a lot of stories have morals to them? I get it, I get it! Calvin wants Dad to read a bedtime story he wrote. The title is 'The Dad Who Lived To Regret Being Mean To His Kid'. It's written in poem form. Barney's Dad was bad, and Barney hatched a plan. Dad said 'Eat your peas'. Barney said 'No' and ran. Barney tricked his Dad into the cellar. He wasn't found by Barney's Mom, because Barney didn't tell her. Dad had to spend his life eating mice and gruel. With every bite for fifty years, he was sorry he'd been cruel. Calvin suggests to Dad that many stories have morals. Dad angrily tells Calvin he gets it."
"What do you think is the meaning of true happiness? Is it money, cars and women? Or is it just money and cars? Well? Calvin asks Hobbes what he thinks is the true meaning of happiness. Calvin asks if it's money, cars, and women. Or is it just money and cars? Hobbes walks away."
"Look at this! You call this snow?! It's not even an inch high! What good is less than an inch of snow?! Well, it's pretty. Nobody ever closed a school on account of prettiness. Calvin looks at the small amount of snow on the ground. He complains it isn't an inch of snow. He asks what good less than an inch of snow is. Hobbes says that it's pretty. Calvin laments 'Nobody ever closed a school on account of prettiness'."
"This will be the strongest snow fort ever made! Keep packing on snow. This will be indestructible. We'll pour water on it, so it freezes overnight. That way our fort will be here until July! Where's that kid?! Calvin is building a snow fortress. He says it will be the strongest ever. He tells Hobbes to keep packing in on. The fort will be indestructible. He suggests pouring water over it so it freezes overnight. Their fort will be there until July. The next morning, Dad opens the garage door to back the car out and notices a wall of frozen snow running all across the yard, running right across the driveway. He yells 'Where's that kid?!'."
"Whap! I'm glad to see you're inside. It's handy not to have to boots and a coat to take off. Calvin is smacked on the back of his head with a snowball. He falls into the snow. He looks around for who the attacker was, but sees no one. He goes into the house. Hobbes is lying on the sofa, reading a comic book. Calvin walks by, snowball on head, and says he's glad Hobbes is inside. Hobbes sheepishly looks up and thinks it's handy to not have boots and a coat to take off."
"My snow fort makes me invulnerable! From behind it's thick wall, I can launch a brutal snowball barrage and remain safe from retaliation! Whap! You're supposed to attack from that side of the fort, dummy!! Calvin yells out that his snow fort makes him invulnerable. He boasts how he can launch a barrage and remain safe from retaliation. Suddenly, a snowball smacks into the back of his head. Hobbes is making another snowball as Calvin complains that he was supposed to attack from the other side of the fort."
"Did you make any resolutions for the new year? Heck no. I'm just fine the way I am! Why should I change? In fact, I think it's high time the world started changing to suit me! I don't see why I should do all the changing around here! If the new year requires resolutions, I say it's up to everyone else, not me! I don't need to improve! Everyone else does! How about you did you make any resolutions? Well, I had resolved to be less offended by human nature, but I think I blew it already. Hobbes asks Calvin if he made any resolutions for the new year. Calvin replies no. Calvin thinks he's fine as he is. In fact, he wants the world should change to suit him. He goes on to say he doesn't need to make changes, everyone else does. When he asks Hobbes if he made any resolutions, Hobbes replies that he was going to be less offended by human nature, but he thinks he's blown it already."
"I hate waiting for the school bus on days like these. Blustery cold days should be spent propped up in bed with a mug of hot chocolate and a pile of comic books. That's what I'd like to be doing right now. As soon as I graduate, I'm going to spend every winter that way. I wish you bus would come my hot chocolate will get cold. Calvin and Hobbes are huddled in the wind. Calvin says he hates waiting for the school bus on days like this. Calvin believes blustery days should be spent with a mug of hot chocolate and a pile of comic books. That's what he'd like to be doing right now. Calvin says that as soon as he graduates, he'll spend every winter that way. Hobbes hopes the bus will come soon. His hot chocolate will get cold."
"Help me figure out this homework problem, Hobbes. What's 3 + 8. Ok, assign the answer a value of x. x always means multiply, so take the numerator (that's latin for number eighter) and put that on the other side of the equation. That leaves you with three on this side, so what times three equals eight? The answer of course, is six. Gosh, I must have done all the others wrong. These problems seem awfully advanced for first grade if you ask me. Calvin asks Hobbes for help on a math problem. Hobbes assigns the answer 'x', which means multiply. So Hobbes then takes the numerator and puts it on the other side of the equation. Hobbes comes up with the answer. 3 + 8 = 6. Calvin thinks he must have done all the other problems wrong."
"Here's another math problem I can't figure out. What's 9 + 4? Ooh, that's a tricky one. You have to use calculus and imaginary numbers for this. Imaginary numbers?! You know, eleventeen, thirty-twelve, and all those ... it's a little confusing at first. How did you learn all this? You've never gone to school! Instinct, tigers are born with it. Calvin asks for help on another problem. Hobbes thinks 9 + 4 is tricky and requires calculus and imaginary numbers to solve. Eleventeen and thirty-twelve are a couple examples Hobbes gives. Calvin wonders how he knows this since he never went to school. Hobbes claims that it's instinct. Tigers are born with it."