"Kiss Hobbes good night too, Mom. If you don't get a good night kiss, you get Kafka dreams. Sleep tight. Don't let the bedbugs bite. What's that supposed to mean? Do we have vermin in this house?? The mattress is moving! Mom! It must be a bedbug! Gaah! Legs!! It must be huge! How disgusting! Ugghh! I'll run for some bug spray! Don't let him out! I need more weight! Put your foot locker up here! What's going on up there?! It sounds like he's moving furniture! I got some raid! Lift up the mattress! Let him have it! Gosh, all that spray didn't kill him! What are we going to do?! I hear your dad coming! Maybe he can kill it! About time, Dad! He crawled back into the bed! Get a fly swatter! I'll (cough) tell you who's going to get swatted! (choke) what have you done to this room?!! Mom tells Calvin to sleep tight and not let the bedbugs bite. After she leaves, Calvin wonders if that means they have vermin in the house. Hobbes says the mattress is moving. It must be a bedbug. Calvin sees giant bug legs. He runs for some bug spray and tells Hobbes to keep the monster bug trapped in the bed. Hobbes is on top of the folded over mattress. He tells Calvin to get his foot locker for more weight. Mom and Dad are wondering what's going on upstairs. Mom suggests it sounds like Calvin's moving furniture. Calvin starts using the bug spray. The spray doesn't kill it. Hobbes hears Dad coming and suggests Dad can kill the bug. As Dad enters the messed room with bug spray wafting everywhere, Calvin tells him it went under the bed. He tells Dad to get a fly swatter. Dad replies that he'll tell Calvin who's going to be swatted."
"Bad news on your campaign to stay dad, Dad. Oh? Yep. The latest poll of six-year-olds in this household shows that they don't care about issues this year. It's character that counts. So why the bad news? Who's the bimbo with you in this old picture? That bimbo is your mother! Who's a bimbo?! Pretty funky hairdo, Mom! Calvin has bad news about Dad's poll results. The latest poll shows six-year-old kids in the house don't care about issues, they care about character. Dad wonders why that is bad news. Calvin pulls out a photograph and asks Dad who the bimbo is with him in his prom picture. Dad yells that the 'bimbo' is Mom. Mom yells in from the other room wondering who is a bimbo. Calvin tells her 'pretty funky hairdo, Mom'."
"It's the sad truth, Dad. Nobody cares about your positions on fatherhood. We just want to know about your character. If you're going to be dad here, we have to know you've never done or said anything that would reflect poorly on your judgement. I have your college yearbook here. Let's flip through it, shall we? Is this you with the keg and the 'party naked' t-shirt. Give me that! Calvin tells Dad it's true. Nobody cares about his positions on fatherhood. They just want to know about his character. They have to know he's never said or done anything that would reflect poorly on his judgment. Calvin has Dad's college yearbook. He flips through it. Calvin shows Dad a picture. He asks if that is Dad with the keg and the 'Party Naked' T-shirt. Dad grabs the yearbook away from Calvin, saying 'Give me that'."
"Grandpa says the comics were a lot better years ago when newspapers printed them bigger. He says comics now are just a bunch of Xeroxed talking heads because there's no space to tell a decent story or to show any action. He thinks people should write to their newspapers and complain. Your grandpa takes the funnies pretty seriously. Yeah, mom's looking into nursing homes. Calvin is telling Hobbes that Grandpa says comics were a lot funnier years ago when they used to print them bigger. He says comics now are just Xeroxed talking heads because there's no space to tell a decent story or show action. He says people should write to their newspapers and complain. Hobbes says Grandpa takes his funnies pretty seriously. Calvin says Mom is looking into nursing homes."
Did you read this? This TV star made over twenty million dollars last year! What would you do with twenty million bucks? Beats me. I think its ridiculous that anyone makes that kind of money. Ok. Say you only made fifteen million. Let's say eighteen. Calvin tells Hobbes that a TV star made over twenty million dollars last year. He asks Hobbes what he'd do with that much money. Hobbes says he doesn't know. He thinks it's ridiculous anyone makes that kind of money. Calvin says let's say you only made fifteen million. Hobbes goes for eighteen.
"Hi, Mom. Bum ba da bum bum. What's cooking. Ha ha ha ha. What's with you? I thought my life would be seem more interesting with a musical score and laugh track. Calvin walks up to Mom who's washing dishes. He makes a drum sound, asks Mom what's cooking, then starts laughing. Mom asks him what's with him. Calvin tells her he thinks his life would seem more interesting with a musical score and a laugh track."
"I made up a joke. A man's going for a walk, so he gets his dog and says 'heel.' ... and the dog looks up and says 'it takes one to know one, buster!' ha ha ha. What's the matter with you? Don't you get it? Ahhh, what do tigers know about sophisticated humor, anyway? How did the dog learn to talk? Calvin tells Hobbes a joke he made up. A man is going for a walk. He gets his dog, and the guy says 'Heel'. The dog looks up and says 'It takes one to know one, Buster'. Calvin laughs, Hobbes doesn't. Calvin asks if Hobbes gets it. Calvin wonders what tigers know about sophisticated humor, anyway. Hobbes wants to know how the dog learned to talk."
"Go way back. I'm really gonna belt this. Keep going. Keep going. I said way back! Keep going! That dummy, he can't kick it this far. What're you doing? I'm ten yards from the goal line! Aren't you going to try and catch me?!? I could crawl on my hands and knees to make a touchdown before you'd ever get me from back there! What's the matter with you?? Oops. Do you want to keep trying for the last two yards, or just give me the ball now. I call a ten year time out to grow up some more. Hobbes kicks the football to Calvin. He stands there while Calvin races past him toward a touchdown. Calvin stops and yells to Hobbes. He is ten yards from the goal line. He wonders if Hobbes is going to try to catch him. He taunts that he could crawl on his hands and knees to make a touchdown, and Hobbes couldn't catch him from where he's standing. Suddenly, Calvin looks horrified. He turns to run for a touchdown. Hobbes crashes into Calvin and tackles him. Hobbes asks if Calvin wants to keep trying for the last two yards, or if he just wants to give Hobbes the ball now. Calvin, smashed into the ground, calls a ten year time out to grow some more."
"Hi, Susie. What do you have for lunch today? Don't even talk to me. I don't want to hear how disgusting you think my lunch is. My lunch is fine. Relax, I wasn't going to say a word about your lunch. Pass me some salt, will you please? Here. Thanks, slugs are so chewy before you shrivel them up. Calvin asks Susie what she has for lunch. Susie tells him not to even talk to her. She doesn't want to hear how disgusting he thinks her lunch is. Calvin tells her to relax. He wasn't going to say anything about her lunch. He asks her to pass the salt. He opens his sandwich and sprinkles the salt on it. He tells her slugs are so chewy before you shrivel them up."
"I'm home. I read that tigers' spinal columns are like big coiled springs! I read that their brains are like big bows of tapioca. Hobbes is poised, ready to pounce. Calvin comes in the door saying he's home. Hobbes crashes into him. Hobbes says that he heard tigers' spinal columns are like big coiled springs. Calvin says he heard their brains are like big bowls of tapioca."
"Blecchh! How long are those two gonna keep kissing? This program only lasts for an hour! Geez, look at them slobbering over each other's faces! Why would anybody do that? Do they like it? Bed time. There's a connection here, I just know it. Mom and Calvin are watching a TV show. Calvin complains that the two people are kissing for so long. He makes a face as he talks about them slobbering over each others' faces. He wonders why anyone would do that. Do they like it? Mom carries him up to bed. Calvin says there is a connection there, he just knows it."
"Quit hogging the bed. You're way over on my side. Tough beans fuzz face. Ever thinka bout the geysers and waterfalls? Hundreds of thousands of gallons of water! Flowing, spilling, rushing, gushing, splashing. He really fights mean. Hobbes tells Calvin to quit hogging the bed. Calvin is way over on Hobbes' side. Calvin says tough beans. Hobbes looks angry. He tells Calvin to think about geysers, waterfalls, water flowing, splashing, rushing. Calvin has to head off to the bathroom. He complains that Hobbes really fights mean."
"Spaceman Spiff flees the despicable scum beings of planet Q-13! In a surprise maneuver, our hero turns to face the adversary! His hand tightens around the death ray trigger! It doesn't respond. Spiff reaches for the mertilizer beam, but it doesn't work either! Neither do the phospho bombs or the mordo blasters! Nothing is working!! 1812! Gettysburg! 16 fluid ounces! I before E! Thomas Edison! Perhaps someone who has been paying attention can help out Calvin! Spaceman Spiff flees the scum beings of planet Q-13. He turns his spaceship around to face the adversary. He tightens his grip on his death ray trigger. It doesn't work. He tries his mertilizer beam. It doesn't work. Neither does his phospho bombs nor his mordo blasters. Nothing is working. At his desk, Calvin is saying '1812! Gettysburg! 16 fluid ounces! I before E! Thomas Edison!' The teacher asks if someone who has been paying attention can help Calvin."
"I keep forgetting that five of his six ends are pointy when he lies like that. Hobbes is lying on his back sleeping. Calvin leaps into the air to pounce on Hobbes. Hobbes wakes up, bears his fangs and claws as Calvin descends. Calvin tries to pull back. He walks off all torn up and says he keeps forgetting that five of Hobbes' six ends are pointy when he lies like that."
"If you don't hurry up, you'll miss the school bus. That's the best news I've heard today. Let's see what should I wear today? Aaugh! Now, boys! Get 'im. Help help help. Hold his arms! Grab his feet! Ok, boys, just like we planned! Striped pants polka dot shirt! Plaid jacket! Everybody on! Hey! I'm not going out like this! Get off me! Lift his legs! Make him walk! Look at you! Have you gone colorblind?? I don't want to hear about it. Calvin opens his drawer wondering what to wear that day. Suddenly, the clothes fly out of the drawer and attack him. They hold his arms and grab his feet. Striped shirt, plaid jacket, polka dot shirt. Calvin says he won't go out with those clothes on. The clothes lift his legs and make him walk. As Calvin walks past, Mom asks if Calvin has gone color-blind. Calvin says he doesn't want to hear about it."
"Since September, it's just gotten colder and colder. There's less daylight now, I've noticed too. Oh no! This can mean only one thing! The sun is going out! In a few more months earth will be a dark and lifeless ball of ice! Well, gee, now I don't feel so bad about not setting up an IRA last year. Calvin tells Hobbes that since September, it's gotten colder and colder. He's also noticed there is less daylight. He says that can only mean one thing. The sun is going out! In a few more months, the earth will be a dark and lifeless ball of ice. Hobbes doesn't feel so bad about not setting up an IRA last year."
Dad says the sun isn't going out. He says it's colder because the earth's orbit is taking us farther from the Sun. He says winter will be here soon. Isn't it sad how some peoples grip on their lives is so precarious that they'll embrace any preposterous delusion rather than face an occasional bleak truth. Calvin tells Hobbes that Dad said the sun wasn't going out. He said it's colder because the earth's orbit is taking them further from the sun. He says winter will be here soon. Calvin laments that some people's grip on their lives is so precarious that they embrace any preposterous delusion rather than face an occasional bleak truth.
"Are you going to live the last few months of your life differently, now that the Sun is going out and we're all doomed? No, I've always believed in living each day as if it was my last so I never have any regrets. Kind of inspiring huh? If you were someone else it might be. Pass me that issue of Captain Napalm will you? Hobbes asks if Calvin is going to live his last few months any differently since the sun is going out. Calvin tells him he's always believed in living each day as if it were his last, so he has no regrets. Calvin thinks that is inspiring. Hobbes says it would be if he were someone else. As Calvin sits reading comic books and eating cookies, he asks Hobbes to pass the issue of Captain Napalm."
My teacher said the same thing Dad did. The Sun isn't going out after all! It's just getting colder because winter's coming. Dad was right all along. Imagine ol' Dad knowing something like that!
"What's the story you're going to read me, Dad? It doesn't have any romance in it, does it? Uh ... Edit it out if it does. I hate romance. Does it have any boring description in it? Well ... Skip it if you see any. I like my stories fast and gripping. It doesn't have a moral, does it I hate being told how to live my life. Skip the moral, too. Ok? Does his majesty prefer color pictures or black and white? Dad is getting set to read Calvin a bedtime story. Calvin asks if it has romance in it. He tells Dad to edit any romance out. He asks if there is any boring description. He tells Dad to skip it if he sees any. He likes his stories fast and gripping. He asks about a moral. He doesn't like to be told how to live his life. He tells Dad to skip the moral, too. Dad asks if his majesty prefers color pictures, or black and white."
"The mighty destroyer patrols the seas! Suddenly the ship spins out of control! It's caught in a whirlpool! Within moments the giant vessel dips it's hull into the swirling vortex and is never seen again! Oh no! Here goes the rest of the navy! Are you letting the water out already? The mighty destroyer patrols the seas. Suddenly, the ship spins out of control. It's caught in a whirlpool. The vessel dips its hull into the vortex and isn't seen again. Calvin grabs another toy ship on the bathtub and says 'Here goes the rest of the Navy'. Mom yells in asking if he's letting the water out already."
"Calvin, it's time to wake up. Calvin, it's time to wake up. C'mon you'll be late for school. My dreams are getting way to literal. Mom shakes Calvin and tells him it's time to wake up. Calvin gets dressed, eats his cereal, brushes his teeth, puts on his jacket and heads out the door. He hears Mom tell him it's time to wake up. It was all a dream. She tells him he'll be late for school. As Calvin sits up in bed, he says his dreams are getting way too literal."
"I'm going to be the next Houdini! Tie me to this chair and I'll escape! Tie the knots tighter, don't make it so easy for me. Tie my feet, too. All right, let's see y ou get out of that. Ha! The great Calvini can escape from anything! Calvin, dinner time! Should I tell her you're tied up at the moment, ha ha? I'll be (mmf) out of here (rrg) in no time, gosh. I can't even move. Calvin is going to be the next Houdini. He asks Hobbes to tie him to the chair. Calvin tells him to tie the knots tighter and to tie his feet. Hobbes asks to see him get out of that. The great Calvini can escape from anything. Mom calls Calvin for dinner. Hobbes asks if he should tell Mom he's tied up at the moment. Calvin grunts that he'll be out in no time. He can't even move."
"Your dinner's getting cold, Calvin! I'll be down in a second. You want me to help untie you? No! don't touch those ropes! I want to escape! It's easy. I just rock a little to loosen the knots, no ropes can hold me! Whoop! Ow!! Good thing you're doing this here before you tried it under water. Mom yells that Calvin's dinner is getting cold. He says he'll be there in a minute. Hobbes asks if Calvin wants him to untie him. No, Calvin wants to escape. He's going to rock a little to loosen the ropes. He says no ropes can hold him. He falls over in the chair. Hobbes says it's a good thing he's doing that here before trying it under water."
"Mmf! Gggk! It's no use. You'd better untie me I can't escape. Let's see, this end goes in here, and around over there. You know knots are pretty tricky. Hurry up. If I pull on this it should ... ahh! That's tighter! Pull the other way! The other way! Calvin, this is the last chance for dinner! Get down here! Sit tight. Ha ha! I'll get your cub scout manual. I don't believe this. Calvin gives up. He tells Hobbes to untie him since he can't escape. Hobbes is trying to figure out the knots. Calvin tells him to hurry up. Hobbes pulls the rope. Calvin hollers that Hobbes tightened it. Mom gives Calvin a last call for dinner. Hobbes goes to look for Calvin's Cub Scout manual."
"I always wanted to be a cub scout and get merit badges and stuff, but I hate going to meetings. Ok ok. Just read about knots, all right? Hey, look, here's a motto! I didn't know you had a motto! Wow, what fun! Live for revenge is going to be my motto if you don't get me out of this. I'll quiz you. What do you for a second degree burn? Don't flip through the book, you idiot! Untie me! Hmph, if I was in your predicament, I'd treat me with a lot more respect. Do you say you're sorry? Mff! Rrggh! Ooh! You dirty rotten stinking. Hobbes is reading the manual. He says he always wanted to be a Scout, but hated the meetings. Calvin tells him to read the knots section. Hobbes notices the motto. Calvin tells him 'Live for revenge' is going to be his motto if"
"Hobbes, I'm not kidding. If you don't get me loose in ten seconds ... You got yourself into this, Mr Houdini, not me. But I'm supposed to be at dinner! Mom's gonna kill me! Escape artists have a risky trade. Hey, here's morse code! Ok, I'm sorry I called you names. I said I'm sorry, right? Now untie me. Here's how you say 'banana' in morse. Dash dot dot dot, dot dash ... What is that kid doing?! It sounds like a chair thumping around the room. Well, his dinner is stone cold. I hope he's happy. Calvin threatens Hobbes some more. Hobbes reminds 'Mr. Houdini' he got himself into that mess. Calvin says Mom will kill him for not being at dinner. Hobbes sees the section on Morse code. Calvin says he's sorry and asks Hobbes to untie him. Hobbes tells Calvin how to say 'banana' in Morse code. Mom and Dad hear noises upstairs. Dad says it sound like a chair thumping around the room. Mom says his dinner is stone cold. She hopes he's happy."
"All right, young man! You've wasted the nice meal your mom fixed. Get out here. You tied yourself up?? What on earth were you doing?! Hobbes tied me up, Dad! It's his fault. Don't make up lies, Calvin. How did you get yourself like this?! Hobbes did it Dad! He was going to hold me for ransom! Honest! Ransom?? Who'd pay for you, you big fibber?! I'm certainly glad your dad saw through that filthy lie! Oh, hush. You always get me in trouble. Dad comes up the stairs, angry at Calvin for missing dinner. Calvin is tied up on the chair. Calvin tells Dad that Hobbes tied him up. Dad tells him not to tell lies and asks how he tied himself up. Calvin repeats that Hobbes did it and was going to hold him for ransom. After Dad leaves, Calvin rubs his sore rear end. Hobbes tells him he's glad Dad saw through his lie. And who would pay ransom for Calvin, anyway?"
"First there was nothing ... then there was Calvin! Calvin, the mighty god, creates the universe with pure will! Form utter nothingness comes swirling form! Life begins where once was void! But Calvin is no kind and loving god! He's one of the old gods! He demands sacrifice. Yes, Calvin is a god of the underworld! And the puny inhabitants of earth displease him! The great Calvin ignores their please for mercy and the doomed writhe in agony! Have you seen how absorbed Calvin is with those tinkertoys? He's creating whole worlds over there! I'll be he grows up to be an architect. Calvin, the mighty god, creates the universe with pure will. Life begins where there once was void. Calvin is no loving god, he demands sacrifice. Calvin is a god of the underworld. The puny inhabitants of earth displease him. Calvin ignores their pleas for mercy, and the doomed writhe in agony. Dad happily tells Mom that Calvin is playing with his Tinkertoys and is creating whole worlds. Mom bets Calvin will grow up to be an architect."
"What's for dinner, Mom? Tortellini. Oh, no, not tortellini! I hate tortellini!! Oh, gross! Yecch! Tortellini!! Nothing is more disgusting than tortellini!! Can't we have something else? No. tortellini ... tortellini ... t - o - r ... Calvin asks Mom what's for dinner. She tells him tortellini. Calvin acts like he's gagging. He grabs his throat and says he hates tortellini. He calls it gross. He asks Mom if they can have something else for dinner. She says no. Calvin goes to the dictionary to look up what tortellini is."