"Let's go! Back in the house! No more monkey business. All right? Phooey. It's my job to watch you and that's what I'm going to do, even if I have to strap you to a chair. Got it? Jawohl, mein fuhrer! Care to repeat that little comment? I said I'm not going anywhere. Leggo. Rosalyn catches Calvin and herds him back to the house. She tells him no more monkey business. She tells him it's her job to watch him, and she's going to do it even if she has to tie him to a chair. She asks if he gets it. Calvin clicks his heels, sticks his arm out in salute, and says 'Jawohl, mein Fuehrer'. She grabs him by the collar and asks if he'd care to repeat that last comment. He tells her he said he wasn't going anywhere."
"We're home, Rosalyn. Was Calvin any trouble? Not too much. I sent him to bed a little while ago. That's good. Knock knock. Now who could that be at this hour? Police, sir. We received a call about two hostages being held here. Calvin! Get down here! Mom and Dad get home and ask if Calvin was any trouble. Rosalyn says she sent him to bed a little while ago, but he wasn't much trouble. There's a knock on the door. Dad wonders who it could be at that time. He opens the door to a policeman. He tells them they received a call about two hostages being held at the house. Both Mom and Dad yell up the stairs for Calvin to get downstairs."
"Well, if you didn't get in a fight at school, what on earth happened to you?! Let's just say sometimes I wish I had a gerbil. Calvin comes home and is attacked by Hobbes. They fight for some time. Finally, they're both exhausted. As Calvin walks by Mom, she asks what happened to him if he didn't get in a fight at school. Calvin replies that sometimes, he wishes he had a gerbil."
"Hi, Dad. I'm repeating everything anyone says. Oh, you are, are you? Oh, you are, are you? Knock it off, Calvin. That's very annoying. Knock it off, Calvin. That's very annoying. I forfeit all my desserts for a week. Ok, give them to me. Ha ha. Why don't you go bother your mother for a while? Calvin tells Dad that he's repeating everything anyone says. Dad asks if he is. Calvin mimics Dad. Dad tells him to quit it, that's very annoying. Calvin mimics him. Dad says he forfeits all desserts for the week. Calvin says give them to him. Dad tells Calvin to go bother Mom for a while."
"Psst ... Susie! What's the answer to question four? Imadoofus. Thanks! The tooth fairy's gonna make you rich tonight Susie. During a test at school, Calvin asks Susie the answer to question four is. She replies 'Imadoofus'. Calvin writes it down. He then thinks about it. He makes a fist and tells Susie the tooth fairy is going to make her rich tonight."
"Let's see what you drew for art class, Susie. Well, a tidy little domestic scene. A house in a yard with flowers. How typically female. Girls think small and are preoccupied with pretty details. But boys think big! Boys think about action and accomplishment! No wonder it's men who change the world! Yeah? What did you draw? A squadron of B-1's nuking New York. Calvin asks to see what Susie drew for art class. Calvin sees a tidy, domestic scene. A house in a yard with flowers. How typically female. Calvin accuses girls of thinking small and being preoccupied with petty details. Boys, on the other hand, think about action and accomplishment. Calvin says it's no wonder it's men who change the world. Susie asks what he drew. Calvin proudly shows a squadron of B-1s nuking New York."
"Mom, can Hobbes and I rent a VCR and a tape tonight? I don't think so, Calvin. It's a school night. What if we got an educational tape? Like what? Cannibal stewardess vixens unchained. Now she won't even let us go into the store. I think we'd learn a lot by watching that. Calvin asks if he and Hobbes can rent a VCR and a tape. Mom doesn't think so, it's a school night. Calvin asks if he could if the tape was educational. When Mom asks what tape that would be, Calvin replies 'Cannibal Stewardess Vixens Unchained'. Up in his bed, Calvin complains that now Mom won't even let them into the store. Hobbes thinks they would learn a lot by watching that movie."
Snip. Snap. Crack. Sometimes it's good to hush up a while and let autumn stick in a few words. Calvin and Hobbes are walking along in the woods. The twigs snap and crack under their feet. A breeze blows up and churns some leaves. They shuffle and crunch their way through the leaves. Calvin says it's sometimes good to hush up a while and let autumn stick in a few words.
"A dazed Spaceman Spiff crawls from the smoking wreckage of his ship! Our hero now regrets not buying a towing rider on his insurance policy. The courageous Spaceman Spiff has been captured by the hideous Zorgs of Planet X-13! Led through the dank corridors of the dungeon, Spiff looks in vain for an opportunity to escape! Our hero is brought before the Zorg despot! So this is the famed space explorer Spiff! I've waited a long time for this moment earthling scum! You have knowledge we need. Cooperate and we'll kill you rather painlessly. Let's dispense with the pleasantries, you twisted space crustacean. What is it you want from me? A summary of Lewis and Clarks expedition to the Pacific! Ha! Wild Zontars couldn't drag that information out of me! Do your worst! You didn't read the assignment, did you, Calvin? Spaceman Spiff has been captured by the hideous Zorgs of planet X-13. He looks for an avenue of escape as he's led through the dungeon. He's brought before the Zorg despot. The leader has been waiting for this moment. He tells Spiff he has information they want. If Spiff cooperates, they'll kill him painlessly. Calvin asks the twisted space crustacean what he wants. The reply is 'a summary of Lewis and Clark's expedition to the Pacific'. Calvin tells Miss Wormwood that wild Zontars couldn't drag that information out of him. Miss Wormwood asks if he didn't read his assignment."
"Hey, Calvin, c'mere. Shove. Ha ha ha! What a weenie! Ha ha ha! People who get nostalgic about childhood were obviously never children. Calvin is playing with a ball on the playground. Moe comes over and pushes Calvin to the ground. Moe walks off laughing. Calvin says that people who are nostalgic about childhood were obviously never children."
"You look down in the dumps. I am. Moe keeps knocking me down at school for no reason. He's mean just for kicks. I sure am glad you're an animal. Animals sometimes make a lot more sense than people do. ... and we're cuter too. Right, Hobbes, good point. Hobbes tells Calvin he looks down in the dumps. Calvin explains that Moe keeps knocking him down for no reason. Calvin tells Hobbes he's glad he's an animal. Animals sometimes make more sense than people do. Hobbes adds that they're cuter, too."
"Look, Hobbes, I need you to come to school with me and show Moe a little fang ok? You don't need to kill him or anything. Just give him something to think about on the way to surgery. He usually comes after me at recess, so we'll get him then. Hey, you don't have rabies, do you? Certainly not. Rats. Well, I suppose he'd at least have to get a tetanus shot. Calvin asks Hobbes to come to school with him and show Moe a little fang. Calvin doesn't want Hobbes to kill him, just give him something to think about on the way to surgery. Calvin decides they should do it at recess. He asks Hobbes if he has rabies. Hobbes indignantly says no. Calvin is disappointed, but he figures Moe would have to at least get a tetanus shot."
"Hey, Calvin. Why'd you bring your stuffed tiger to school? It's not a show and tell day. I know. Hobbes is going to give Moe a little 'treat' today: a ride in an ambulance helicopter. Yeah? How's he going to do that? If you have an aversion to descriptions of carnage, you probably don't want to know. Talking with you is sort of the conversational equivalent of an out of the body experience. Don't get to close now. I want Hobbes to stay fresh for this afternoon. Susie asks Calvin why he brought his stuffed tiger to school. Calvin tells her Hobbes is going to give Moe a 'treat' today: a ride in an ambulance helicopter. Susie asks how that will happen. Calvin says she probably doesn't want to know if she has an aversion to descriptions of carnage. Susie tells him that talking with him is the conversational equivalent of an out-of-body experience."
"Look Calvin's got a teddy bear that's real sweet Calvin. It's a tiger you brainless invertebrate. Hey, maybe I'd like to play with your teddy! Good idea, moe. Hobbes plays kinda rough, but he's lots of fun. C'mere and take him. Why? Is the teacher watching? This is a trick, right? I'm not touching your stupid teddy, see? C'mon, I dare you! What's the matter? Are you chicken? Ha ha! Boy! You sure scared him off! You were great! Come back and call me a bear again! Yeah, you, bub! Moe comes up to Calvin in the playground and notices the 'teddy bear'. Calvin corrects him about it being a tiger and calls Moe a brainless invertebrate. Moe says maybe he'd like to play with the 'teddy'. Calvin says that's a good idea. He tells him Hobbes plays rough, but he's lots of fun. He invites Moe to take Hobbes. Moe, suspecting something, looks around for a teacher. He asks if this is a trick. He says he's not touching his 'teddy'. Calvin dares him. He calls Moe a chicken. Moe leaves. Calvin tells Hobbes that he scared him away. He hugs Hobbes. Hobbes angrily yells to Moe to come call him a 'bear' again."
"I called your teacher about Moe's bullying and she said she'd put a stop to it. I'm afraid you wasted your time Mom. Moe took one look at Hobbes and just about lost his lunch! I don't think Moe will be bothering me for a while. It's not every kid who has a tiger for a best friend. ... and what lucky mom's those kids have. C'mon Hobbes, if you'll lend me a buck, I'll buy you a comic book. As Calvin enters his house, Mom tells him she called his teacher to put a stop to Moe's bullying. Calvin tells her she wasted her time. He tells her that when Moe saw Hobbes, he almost lost his lunch. Calvin figures Moe will leave him alone now. It's not every kid who has a tiger for a best friend. Mom says 'and what lucky moms those other kids have'. Calvin tells Hobbes that if he'll loan Calvin a buck, he'll buy him a comic book."
"I wish it was Saturday instead of Sunday. Any day you have to take a bath and to go to bed early isn't a day off in my book. Autumn Sundays are the worst. You can ever really enjoy Sunday's because in the back of your mind you know you have to go to school the next day. And when the leaves change color it just reminds you even more that summers over and school's just begun. Gee, I like this season best of all! The trees are like natures own fireworks display! I love the brisk air, the early evenings, the ... uh ... the ... yes, well ... hmm. Kapow! Fwoosh! Zingg! You didn't mention fresh applesauce, fuzzhead. Do you like applesauce. Calvin and Hobbes are walking in the woods. Calvin is complaining that you can't enjoy autumn Sundays because you have to go to school the next day. The leaves changing color remind him that summer is over and school has begun. Hobbes likes this season best of all. He says the leaves are like nature's fireworks. As he continues saying how he likes the brisk air and the early evenings, he notices Calvin is fuming. He stops talking, and they walk along silently. Finally, Hobbes looks at the trees and describes the fireworks sounds. Calvin angrily reaches for some apples on the ground and tells Hobbes he didn't mention fresh applesauce. Does he like it?"
"Processed lunch meat is pretty scary. What are those little specks anyway? Lizard parts? Who knows? And this 'skin.' I heard it used to be made of intestine, but I think nowadays it's plastic. Of course, they dye and wax fruit so it looks better. It's like eating a candle. And Mom wonders why I'm so hungry after school. Yep, we'd probably be dead now if it wasn't for Twinkies. In the school cafeteria, Calvin tells Susie processed lunch meat is scary. He asks what the little specks are, lizard parts? Who knows? He peels the 'skin' off the meat and tells Susie he heard it used to be intestine, but he thinks it nowadays is plastic. He tells her they dye and wax fruit so it looks better. It's like eating a candle. Calvin eats a Twinkie and says if it wasn't for those, he'd probably be dead now. Susie puts her head down and says her mom wonders why she's so hungry after school."
"Hey, Dad, your latest poll just came in. let's see what it says. Be still, my heart. Well, I'll be! Your popularity is improving! You went up 30 points! Really? Heck, no wonder! I'm reading the graph upside down. What a klutz I am! ... hope you are all packed, Dad. Don't you have some homework to do? Calvin has just receive Dad's poll results. Calvin says his popularity is up 30 points. Dad is shocked. Oh, Calvin was reading the graph upside down. He hopes Dad is all packed."
"I like to mess with his dreams. Zz ... cookies? For me? Why sure, back up the truck. Calvin sees Hobbes sleeping on the floor. He brings over some cookies and waves them under Hobbes' nose. Hobbes starts mumbling in his sleep about having a truck full of cookies backed up for him. Calvin says he likes to mess with Hobbes' dreams."
"Buurrp! Good heavens, Calvin! What do we say after that? Must be a barge coming through! What do you say?! That sure tasted better going down than coming up! Three strikes and you're history, kiddo. Excuse me. Calvin launches a huge belch at the dinner table. Mom asks what he says after that. Calvin replies 'Must be a barge coming through'. Mom asks again what he says. Calvin replies 'That sure tasted better going down than coming up'. Mom warns him about three strikes and being out. Calvin quietly says 'Excuse me'."
"With ultra-sonic hearing, Stupendous Man notices a cry of distress from a distant alleyway! He leaps to the edge of the building and prepares to swoop to the rescue! Stupendous Man had not quite realized just how high up he was, however. At this altitude the winds were a little tricky, and ... Are you going, or do you need a push? Don't rush me, all right?! Stupendous Man hears a cry of distress. He leaps to the edge of the building he's on and prepares to swoop down to the rescue. Stupendous Man didn't realize how high the building was, or that the winds at that altitude were tricky. Calvin sits at the top of the slide. Susie is behind him asking if he's going or needs a push. Calvin yells for her not to push him."
"Lurch your way to the car, kid. You need a haircut. Calvin bulges an eye and hunches his shoulder. He's changing into a hairy beast, making snarling noises. He gets larger, with fangs and huge paws. Mom tells Calvin to lurch his way to the car, he needs a haircut."
"Your dad's working, so try not to bother him, ok? Dad, I have a question. Yes? Do people ever spontaneously combust? Uh ... not that I know of, no. That's a relief. Thanks, Dad. You're welcome. Pow! Did I fool you? If you're having trouble thinking of ways to make yourself useful. I'll give you some suggestions. Calvin asks Dad if people ever spontaneously combust. Dad doesn't think so. Calvin is relieved and walks off. Dad rolls his eyes. He keeps working, then POW! Papers fly off his desk as he jumps out of his chair. He angrily looks around. Calvin has a popped balloon in his hands. He asks Dad if he fooled him. Dad angrily suggests he has some ideas of how Calvin could make himself useful."
"Think it's getting any colder out? Not really. I don't think it's gonna change. Me either. Nuts. Well, let's go in. Calvin and Hobbes are out in the rain. Calvin asks Hobbes if he thinks it's getting colder. Hobbes says not really. They sit a while longer. Calvin doesn't think it's going to change. Hobbes agrees. The rain continues to pour down. Calvin says they should go in. They were sitting on the sled and toboggan at the top of the hill."
"Whatcha doing? Counterfeiting money. It's really hard. Look at all the little lines on this bill. Think anyone will fall for your forgery? Sure. Everyone will. Ol' George has the gout I see. I said this was hard. Calvin is counterfeiting money. He says it's really hard because of all the little lines on the bill. Hobbes asks if he thinks anyone will fall for the forgery. Calvin thinks everyone will. Hobbes looks over Calvin's shoulder. He says ol' George has the gout, he sees. Calvin angrily yells that he said it was hard."
"The giant whale swims toward the surface! It's massive tail pumping furiously, he gains terrifying momentum! The 35-ton behemoth breaches! He crashes into the surf with deafening impact! Calvin, you'd better not be splashing the floor, you hear me?! The giant whale swims toward the surface. Pumping his tail, he gains momentum. The giant breaches and crashes back into the surf. Mom yells into the bathroom to Calvin, who's leaping from the full bathtub. She warns him he better not be splashing the floor."
I won't eat any cereal that doesn't turn the milk purple. Calvin stirs his cereal. He looks a the bowl. He stirs it some more. He tells Hobbes he won't eat any cereal that doesn't turn the milk purple.
"The deadly tornado makes it's way across the community. The circling updraft clocks at over 200 mph! The twister searches for a trailer park! Finding one, it touches down! Debris is thrown for miles in the ensuing explosion of rushing air! When are you going to clean up this room?! It looks like a ... tornado hit it, I know. The deadly tornado crosses the community. The updraft is 200 mph. It searches for a trailer park. It finds one and touches down. Debris is blown for miles in the explosion of rushing air. Mom sticks her head into Calvin's"
"Oh boy, it's Saturday!! What's going on? Why aren't there any cartoons on TV? It's just a test pattern. The TV guide says they don't start until 6:30. Heck, that's 45 minutes form now! Well, c'mon. I'll race you up and down the stairs! Why can't he ever get up like this on school days? Go break his little legs, will you honey? Calvin and Hobbes are bouncing around on the bed. Calvin is cheering that it's Saturday. He turns on the TV for cartoons, only to find a test pattern. Hobbes looks at the TV Guide, which says cartoons don't start until 6:30. Calvin says that's 45 minutes away, so he decides to race Hobbes up and down the stairs. Mom and Dad are awake in bed. Mom wonders why he can't get up like that on school days. Dad suggests she go break his little legs."